It’s all up to me

I spent the weekend doing a lot of thinking.  A lot of eating, too, but that’s another story.  I was trying to figure out why I was having such a hard time dealing with everything all of a sudden.  Yes, I have a lot to deal with but that’s nothing new.  I tried to pinpoint the moment when things became the most unbearable and it basically coincided w/seeing a higher number on the scale.  Now I have seen numbers on the scale before that I haven’t liked but with everything else that is going on it caused me to have a majorly bad attitude.  I am a firm believer that your attitude shapes your life and since I had a crappy attitude I was having a crappy life.

Thankfully I am married to a wonderful man.  Yes, I was the one who was just griping about things but he finally broke through yesterday.  My older son was spending the weekend w/grandma and there was another opportunity to have sex that wasn’t taken.  This added to my bad mood.  He asked what was wrong and I pulled the standard “I’m tired.”  But instead of accepting it he wrapped his arms around me and asked again.  First of all, his arms fit all the way around and it has been years since that has happened.  Secondly, he didn’t let go.  We probably stood like that, in silence, for 3-4 minutes.  It’s actually a long period of time if you think about it.  I don’t remember what I said but I finally had the courage to tell him how unhappy I have been lately w/our marriage, at least romantically.  I said that I was afraid if we continued on this path we would either grow apart and become strangers or end up divorced.  I asked if he felt that way, too, and he said he knew things weren’t great but he didn’t realize they were that bad.  So he asked what he could do and I told him that he needed to make me feel like he wants to be with me.  It was like a huge weight was lifted.  I’m not used to being so needy and he’s not used to me being so needy so we’re learning together but things are 100% better today.

I know, though, that my happiness isn’t his responsiblity so I continued to think.  Looking at my weight loss over the last 1 1/2 years it is very up and down.  I stumble along through the school year and then kick ass in the summer, leading to an average of about a pound a week.  So why am I surprised when I lose weight, gain it back and have to lose it again?  Realizing this I am going to modify my goals, at least weight-wise.  I haven’t figured out exactly what my new goals will be but they are going to be much less ambitious than they were.

Then I set off to school this morning w/a positive attitude and amazing, the day went very well!  A few of the classes where I was having some behavior issues snapped to attention when I put them in a new seating chart and I just assumed that things were going to go well.  I tackled several items on my to-do list so I feel more in control of my life.  I hit the gym and got in a good workout and now it’s time for supper.  Hopefully I’ll have time to catch up w/some of the chickadees here, I feel like I have been neglecting you.  Thank you SO MUCH for all of the support during my pity party, you guys have gotten me though a lot.

Days on plan this month:  15

Progress toward workout goal:  204/250