It’s all up to me

The van shopping was very educational; basically we learned that we can’t buy one right now.  Not so much b/c of the money, although I’m glad to not have a car payment for a bit longer, but because of our driveway.  We live in a town on the banks of the Mississippi River so to say that our town is hilly is a bit understated.  Since our town is hilly some driveways (including ours) go up a hill.  It’s not an exaggeration to say that our driveway goes up at a 30-45 degree angle.  And  since  wheelchair vans are lowered at least 10 inches we would not be able to get up our driveway w/o scraping the heck out of the bottom and probably ruining it.  Not exactly what you want to do when you have to spend $50K on a freakin’ minivan.

So we may have to move up our plan to build a house if we can afford it.  It all hinges on my hubby getting a teaching job after graduation.  Our district is going to be making cuts (again) so it’s not as easy as it sounds.  There are some possibilities in neighboring districts and even if he doesn’t get an actual job he can substitute nearly every day so at least we’ll be in much better financial shape than we are right now.  So at this point our next step is to meet with our builder and figure out how much it will actually cost to build the house we need.  If we can afford it we’ll start building this summer but if not we’ll go back to the original plan of waiting another year or two.  No matter what happens I know things will work out but I hate it that money is such an important part of all of our lives.

I am very pleased to say that dinner went well last night.  We weren’t able to find a seafood restaurant so we just found a place that we don’t have in our town.  I was totally wanting a steak but chose a mediterranean chicken dish instead and it was really good.  It came with wild rice and broccoli so it was much healthier than the butter garlic steak, that’s for sure.  My hubby promised to grill me a steak on Sunday and in all honesty his steak will definitely be better than anything I could find in a restaurant.

My legs are sore from weights yesterday but it’s a good sore.  I’m starting to get back into the swing of things.  And I think I may have figured out why I was so hungry the other night…it was a day when I did over an hour of cardio and no weights.  I have read that cardio can actually make you hungry if you don’t do some weight training, has anyone else experienced this?

This morning I did my regular Saturday morning pilates workout.  If time permits I’m going to do TJ later today.

Days on plan this month:  5

Progress toward workout goal:  183/250

We’re going to Madison tonight to look at wheelchair-accessible vans so I got up early this  morning to workout.  I have been on track w/my food today and I need to make sure that I make good choices tonight.  We’re planning to stop at a seafood place b/c we both love fish and that’s healthy but I just need to remind myself not to give in to temptation once we get there.  I’m not sure exactly where we’re going so I can’t look up a menu ahead of time but I am a smart woman so I will prevail!

Last night I wasn’t as smart but I stopped myself before I went nuts.  It all started when my hubby and older son got home from the store.  The Valentine’s candy was on clearance and he bought a couple of those Russel Stover hearts filled w/candy.  I love those so much b/c of the chewy texture.  Now before you all try to crucify my hubby for bringing food like that into the house he had no intention of me knowing it was there; our son showed me.  It was supposed to stay in the secret hiding place in the garage and I would have been none the wiser.  But once the thought of that candy was in my head it wasn’t going away.  I at an extra 1/2 pork chop at supper.  Then I ate a handful of sour cherry balls that were “hidden”.  I consider it a victory, though, that I didn’t eat the candy.  I saw where he hid it and asked him to move the location b/c I didn’t trust myself.

Days on plan this month:  4

Progress toward workout goal:  182/250

Today was a wonderful, relaxing day.  The last few days at school have been chaotic yet fun but keeping track of middle school kids in several locations throughout a school is exhausting.  Today we did some more mundane things but it was nice to just let the kids work and chat a bit with them.  Plus, we’re having a thunderstorm move through and I just love spring storms.  Yes, I know it’s still winter but let a girl dream, will you?

After school I decided to do only cardio at the gym b/c I have to workout before school (ugh, 4 am) and it’s easier to do weights at home.  I put in 10 minutes on the bike before the treadclimber became available and then did my 30 minutes on that.  Afterward I had 15 minutes left before I had to go home so I tackled the elliptical again.  I’m really starting to like that machine.

Last night was kind of crazy.  I watched “Ghost Hunters International” before bed which is never a good idea.  I don’t watch it often but they found a ton of ghosts in a French chalet.  Then I was having a dream that I was interviewing a man in prison who would rob people in their homes and then murder them while they slept.  During this dream I woke up b/c I heard the crinkle of a grocery bag.  My immediate thought was that I had a ghost or the murderer had come from my dream to pay me a visit.  Turns out that a pile of stuff fell down (long story, we’re remodeling so we have piles EVERYWHERE) but good luck falling back to sleep after that.  I considered getting up and doing pilates but I was too warm in my bed.  Hopefully tonight will be more restful

Days on plan this month:  4

Progress toward workout goal:  181/250

What a long day.  I got up and worked out at the crack of dawn this morning but I’m so glad I did.  I can definitely tell that I lost strength over my illness b/c I couldn’t do parts of the workout that I could easily do a month ago.  Oh well, the beauty of strength training is that it comes back pretty quickly.  It will be motivating to notice the progress.

The kids had an early out but we had meetings and actually had an extra hour of school.  Then a few of us headed to the wake which was about 45 minutes from school.  Quick stop at the store, eat some supper and here I am.  I’m proud to say, though, that with all of this chaos I have stayed on plan w/food.  I was worried b/c one person wanted to stop for supper on our way home but when we hit the town w/the restaurant we were all talking so much we passed right by w/o realizing it.  Thank heavens b/c it was a bar/grill and you know there would be nothing healthy there.

My son did a funny thing last night.  He had a pudding cup after supper last night (you all know how small those are) and halfway through he was full.  He asked if he could wrap it up and save it for tonight.  I almost told him just to eat it b/c it’s silly to wrap up three bites of food but then I realized how I want to make sure he keeps listening to his body and stop when he’s full.  Kids can definitely teach us things if we’re willing to learn.

Days on plan this month:  3

Progress toward workout goal:  180/250

I have a feeling this post today is going to be full of a lot of random thoughts, so bear with me.

First of all, the fashion show in my class was a blast.  It’s kind of weird how 13 year old boys like to parade around in my skirts and high heels.  Of course none of the principals could come down and see, they always seem to pop in when they’re working on a worksheet.  Oh well, I know I did a good job and that’s what matters.  It was kind of cool, though, to see some of the kids in my clothes.  Some skirts that I have bought for the spring are still a tiny bit too small but pretty close to fitting so I threw them in the pile.  They weren’t as huge on the kids as I thought they might be.  Maybe I’m closer to normal size than I think I am.

At the gym I had to put in 15 minutes on the bike before the treadclimber was available.  After my alloted 30 minutes on that machine I only had about 5 minutes before I had to go home so I thought I would try the elliptical.  I actually liked it and it wasn’t as hard as I remembered.  I will definitely incorporate this into my program.

Tomorrow I’m going to have to get up early to workout b/c I have a wake to attend after school.  I was considering skipping the morning workout b/c I’m still more tired than usual from the pneumonia but I’m finally back in the right frame of mind w/eating and exercise and I don’t want to disrupt the flow.  I’m going to do a pilates DVD that adds weights for upper body so it won’t tire me out for the day.  Actually, I’m sure it will give me energy.  I will do this!

I have added another short-term goal to my plan.  In addition to being 222 or smaller by my younger son’s birthday (my lowest weight before getting pregnant was 223) I want to be in the 220’s by my older son’s birthday in mid-March.  It might seem like a lot to lose in 3 1/2 weeks but I know I’ll probably drop 5 pounds this week since it’s my first week on plan in weeks.  Then I only have to lose 2-3 pounds a week which is challenging but doable.  Aah, to see the 220’s again, it makes one-derland seem like it’s nearby

Days on plan this month:  2

Progress toward workout goal:  179/250

We’re learning clothing vocabulary in Spanish and the kids are going to have a fashion show tomorrow. I swung by Goodwill after school hoping to score a load of plaid pants to make the fashion show more fun and they were nowhere to be found. If you can’t score old-man pants from the 1970’s at Goodwill then where can you get them???? I had to settle for a bunch of funny patterns to mix w/shirts that also have patterns. I hope the boys don’t mind b/c everything I found that looked goofy was in the women’s section. Boys in middle school think it’s funny to dress in drag, though, so it should be ok. One other question, though…when did Goodwill get expensive? Granted, $4 for a pair of pants that you actually want to wear is cheap, but $40 on supplies for 1 day of class is a bit expensive. My hubby told me to hang onto the receipt for taxes and I told him that I was doubtful ugly clothing was a legit educational deduction.

I’m feeling pretty good, at least compared to the last month. I had to use the bike for 5 minutes before a treadclimber opened up and then hit it for 30 minutes. Afterward I lifted w/my legs, tomorrow I’ll do my arms. I considered using the elliptical when the treadclimber wasn’t available but the gym was too crowded and I didn’t want to collapse after 5 minutes. Normally I’m a very confident person but I still have worries about being the tubby person in the gym who can’t handle 5 minutes of cardio on a machine. I will try it, I promise, but it’s going to be pretty empty when I do it.

Days on plan this month: 1

Progress toward workout goal: 178/250

I read about a neat idea that I’m going to adopt.  A woman who lost a lot of weight (80 pounds) wrote out the numbers 1-80 and as she lost each pound she crossed the number off as a countdown.  I’m going to do this, but in smaller chunks.  My first goal is to get below 200 so since I was 241 this morning I’m going to use 1-42.  I’m such a dork that I think this will work for me.

Being as superstitious as I am I don’t want to declare that all of the chaos of the last few weeks is behind me but I do feel like things are starting to get back to normal.  I did a lot of sleeping over the weekend, something I desperately needed.  I know problems from the pneumonia are still with me and probably will be for some time but I at least feel like I’m back in the driver’s seat.  And as everyone who knows me will admit, I have a huge need to be in control.

So I am happy to say that I am ready to get back to my healthy lifestyle.  My energy has improved to where I can workout every day although I’ll probably still limit my cardio to 30 minutes a day and then alternate weights for upper and lower body.  Before you all start thinking how wise I am to ease myself back into things you need to realize that our gym is down to 1 treadclimber so EVERYONE is limited to 30 minutes.  As soon as the 2nd one is fixed I’ll be back to longer periods of time, hopefully the repairs will coincide w/my increased health

Food, as always, is my biggest obstacle but I feel confident that I will make healthy choices.  I have to.  I want to be healthy and a good example for my boys but I also want to be smokin’ hot.  I have been buying smaller clothes on clearance and I want to wear them.  I popped back into the 240’s over the weekend and I feel like a huge blimp.  It’s funny that a month ago I would have been thrilled to be 240 but now it’s a number I never want to see again.  What I need to realize is that if I make the proper choices I won’t ever see it again.  I do realize that the events of the last few weeks have been beyond my control and would throw nearly everyone off course so I’m not going to berate myself for my indulgences but I need to declare that the time for comfort eating is over.  Food is fuel and my body is a machine!  For now I’m going to have to take it one day at a time and go back to being very strict and planning ahead.  Before I go to bed I will determine what I am going to eat tomorrow and pack my gym bag so I can go after school.  I’m back!!!!! 

I have always known that I like predictability and routine but it’s not until that routine is disrupted that I realize HOW MUCH I crave the stability.  I’m finally inching my way back toward normality and I can honestly feel my stress level decreasing.  My normal Saturday routine is to get up when Kyle does and do pilates while he’s having his breathing treatment.  Thankfully he slept until 6:30 this morning and I was considering skipping the workout b/c I’m still getting my butt kicked by this pneumonia.  But I figured I would try it and if it was too much for me then I would stop.  I am SO glad that I did it.  It wasn’t too hard at all and I’m pleased at how quickly my strength is returning.  Plus, it just sets such a healthy tone for the rest of the day.

I’m also proud of myself for yesterday.  To use everyone’s favorite new phrase, I screwed the pooch again on food and I considered skipping my workout after school.  I really, really, didn’t want to go.  My eating had already been off-track for the day and I knew my brother was coming over for supper so it would continue to be unhealthy.  For a variety of reasons, though, I decided to workout anyway.  As soon as I stepped onto the treadclimber I was so happy that I had made the right choice.  As a side note, taking 2 weeks away from the gym has allowed me to see how much emptier it is now.  Before we all got sick the parking lot was packed when I would get there and the last few days it has maybe been 1/4 full.  I’m sorry that people have let go of their resolutions but selfishly I’m thrilled.  I hated having to wait for machines!

So now that things are getting closer to normal I’m going to set a new goal.  Prior to getting pregnant w/Kyle my low weight was 223.  His birthday is April 6th and my goal is to get to or below that weight by his birthday.  I’m at 239 as of now and even though 16 pounds in 6-7 weeks might seem like a lot I know the 1st 5 are going to fall off pretty quickly once I get back to focused eating.

Days on plan this month:  1

Progress toward workout goal:  177/250

I screwed the pooch last night on food.  It’s not like I didn’t know what I was doing, I chose every bite.  I just finally gave into the emotional eating side that I had been doing a good job of silencing.  I’m just going to keep starting over whenever I make an unhealthy choice even if it means I have to start over 100 times.  This weekend is going to be full of challenges and I’m not even going to think about mustering up the mental energy it would take to make healthy choices all of the time.  Man, I miss the way I felt a couple of weeks ago when nothing could pull me off track.  Oh well, I was there once and I’ll be there again soon.

My strength is gradually improving.  I did my 30 minutes on the treadclimber and actually started w/6 minutes on the bike b/c someone had the treadclimber.  Then I did about 5 minutes of weightlifting for upper body.  Not much, I didn’t want to overdo it, but enough to make me feel my muscles.  It felt good.

Days on plan this month:  1

Progress toward workout goal:  175/250

I am finally coming to the realization that what we have gone through the last 1-2 weeks is more than average stress.  To me, I know that we have been dealing w/a lot but when I explain to others what has been going on jaws have literally dropped.  Today I finally listened to my own story and I acknowledged that we’re dealing w/many difficult issues.  Realizing that, I need to readjust my expectations for myself and my weightloss.  Last night, for instance, I was very hungry.  I ate my typical food and wanted more.  There was cheesecake in the fridge (my hubby has until tonight to either eat it or toss it in the garbage) and I resisted it.  Instead I popped a 100 calorie bag of popcorn.  Then I was still hungry so I ate about 20 cherry tomatoes.  I’m proud of the healthy choices I made but I’m not counting it as a day on-plan b/c I went over my calories.  It may sound like I’m being harsh but if I begin to cut myself slack things don’t work.  I would rather not meet my goal honestly than feel like I cheated to get there.

So in my effort to be more realistic I’m going to plan to stay on-plan but not flip out if I’m not 100% perfect.  It may sound like I’m contradicting myself; being strict yet going easy on myself, but in my mind it works.  I think I’m going to keep my workouts to every other day and no longer than 30 minutes until I fully get over this pneumonia.  I was so exhausted this morning and I think it’s b/c of the cardio I did last night. 

All of the other stress I’m trying to leave in the appropriate place.  School is a wreck right now; I don’t want to go into it but the inmates are running the asylum.  Just as a small example, the guy in the room next to mine was absent yesterday and one of the kids threatened physical harm to his sub.  She was held in the office for the remainder of the afternoon but today there was no consequence.  Today, when he talked w/this kid she said she would do it again.  Nice. 

Plus, my older son is getting sicker.  I’m sure he has pneumonia as well.  My hubby is taking him to the doctor right now and I’m guessing he’ll be out of school for the rest of the week.  I wish I could go to bed and wake up in June.

Enough griping, that won’t change anything.  I know it will get better and I will just take each day as it comes.

Days on plan this month: 1

Progress toward workout goal:  174/250