It’s all up to me

I think I’m getting motion sickness from this emotional rollercoaster that I’m on.  I’ll do my best to summarize the last 18 hours.

After I logged off last night, proud of how I chose a healthy dinner, I became hungry about 90 minutes later.  Not just that feeling of “hmm, a little bite of something would be nice” but a ravenous hunger.  I remembered a comment that Round made a while back, saying that hunger is something to be listened to, not to master, so I decided to have a snack.  I was hungry for a cookie and although we generally keep our house clear of junk food, we do have some cookie dough in the freezer.  This hasn’t been a problem for me b/c they aren’t baked yet so in order to eat them I have to preheat the oven, cook them and wait for them to cool.  A run-of-the-mill craving won’t cause me to dig into them b/c it’s about a 20 minute process.  Last night wasn’t any different.  But since what I REALLY wanted were those damn cookies, the other snacks I ate didn’t cut it and I ended up eating the cookies.  Then, b/c I was mentally tired of fighting the temptation I decided that I was going to throw in the towel for the weekend, eat the frisco burger that I have been wanting for 2 weeks and the fried chicken today, not to mention the Superbowl food on Sunday.

I woke up feeling more in control and did my pilates DVD.  Although I definitely overindulged last night I know at most I packed in an extra 1500 calories so it’s not the end of the world.  This morning I ate my regular, healthy breakfast and then while I was feeding my son I started watching the movie “Run Fatboy, Run.”  So funny.  The gist of the movie is that the main character was a guy who never finished anything.  He left his pregnant girlfriend at the altar 5 years ago and has finally realized the error of his ways.  Her new boyfriend is a fitness nut and is running in a marathon so he decides to run the marathon, too, to show the ex-girlfriend that he can finish something.  As I’m sure all of us have experienced, he hit the “wall” and had to decide if he was going to tough his way through it or give in.  I’ll let you watch the movie to see how it ends but that scene really spoke to me.  It’s like I’m at my wall right now.  Like him I have already come so far (I think he was at mile 17, I have lost 50+ pounds) but I still have a ways to go.  Nobody is going to do this for me, I just have to decide if I have the cojones to go all of the way, or at least make it one more step.  For now, I’m going to keep moving.  I honestly can’t say what I’ll be doing an hour from now b/c I’m also emotionally angry right now (hubby and I are having the lack-of-sex issues that pop up every 6 months or so) and I’m not ready to explain to him why I’m angry.  Since this is essentially the only problem in our marriage you would think that he would realize when I’m pissed it’s b/c I’m feeling neglected but I guess 10 years of the same thing isn’t enough time to figure it out.  Sorry, I’m being snarky and childish; at least I admit that.

Today is my wall.  I have written and deleted the same sentence over and over b/c I’m not sure if I’ll succeed.  What I keep deleting is anything that includes the words “try” or “hope”.  I have banished those words from my vocabulary b/c it implies that this is out of my control.  I either will or I won’t and I will be responsible for either decision.  I just decided, I WILL go to bed tonight pleased w/my food choices.  I will tell you all about my successful day when I write again tomorrow

Days on plan this month:  22 (no change)

Progress toward workout goal:  171/250

2:15 pm

Awwww, now I remember why I married my hubby.  He ran errands this morning and brought flowers home with him.  He still doesn’t know why I was/am upset but at least he noticed and tried to do something about it.  Like I said, this is truly the only problem in our marriage and with all of the serious issues we have to face due to our son’s illness I know that I am so lucky to have him.  I don’t know what I did to deserve him but he is as close to perfect as they come.

Somehow I injured my foot so I’m having to take a break from my traditional workouts and I don’t like it.  Not only do I love my cardio/weights I get grouchy when I don’t get them.  I don’t really know how I hurt it; here’s what happened, see if any of you can figure it out.

Yesterday I was fine all day and then I went to the gym.  I grabbed the wrong kind of socks, more of a fashion sock than sweat socks.  As I was walking on the treadclimber the top of my left foot started to hurt, kind of like it does if you tie your shoes too tightly.  I paused for a second, loosened the strings, straightened the tongue and kept walking.  I had to stop one or two more times to repeat the process.  All last night it bothered me if I had shoes on.

This morning I was getting dressed and since I was wearing a Pittsburgh sweatshirt (GO STEELERS!!!!) I threw on jeans and tennies.  I knew I wouldn’t be able to walk if I wore them b/c my feet still hurt so I switched to a pair of slip-on shoes.  They felt fine so I packed clothes for the gym, hoping that my foot would magically heal itself by 2:30.  I tried on the shoe at the end of the day and realized that I wouldn’t be able to walk.  My foot felt better and I could have probably used the recumbent bike but I thought another day or 2 of rest would be better.

Since I couldn’t workout I got a pedicure instead.  I had considered going home and doing pilates but since I know I’ll be doing pilates tomorrow I figured I would take a day off.  Within 20 minutes of arriving home I wanted to chuck the entire plan and eat fried chicken.  Fortunately we didn’t have any and I was too lazy and tired to go to the store and buy some b/c it would have turned into a 3-day gluttonous feast.  I am now full and am so happy that I made the healthy choice.

This is really hard.  I’m allowing myself to get overwhelmed at how far I still have to go instead of just focusing on the next 5 pounds.  For now I have my head back in the right place and I’m confident that I’ll stay on track until my weigh-in on Sunday.  Oh, BTW, I was down to 237 this morning for my contest weigh-in.  I turned down the pizza last night and was rewarded on the scale this morning.

Days on plan this month:  22

Progress toward workout goal:  170/250

Sorry for those of you who read my posts regularly but this is going to be a rehashing of the same issue I had last week.  I hate the damn scale!  It shouldn’t matter but it does, plain and simple.  Last Sunday I was 237 and this morning I was back up to 240.  I have honestly been 100% perfect and it won’t cooperate.  I have my weigh-in tomorrow for my contest and I don’t even want to see what it says.  Since I somehow always seem to drop a few pounds between Friday and Sunday (don’t ask my why, my body is weird) I might record my weight on Friday from the previous Sunday.  I just feel like I’m treading water and that I’ll never get smaller than a size 18 or lower than 240 pounds.  Sorry for the pity party, I’m just in a mood.

Tonight could be challenging but I’m going to get through b/c otherwise I think it could be the beginning of a binge through the Superbowl.  We’re meeting at the AP’s house tonight to call parents about the vote next week.  They’re ordering pizza for everyone but I’m going to eat before I go and chew gum while I’m there.  Even though I’m going to start recording my Sunday weigh-in for my Friday contest I’m still going to weigh myself tomorrow to hold myself accountable.  I had considered skipping supper and allowing myself 2 pieces of pizza but w/the mood I’m in right now I know that would spell disaster.  I’m also going to go in my sweaty workout clothes to remind myself that I logged an hour on the treadclimber tonight and that I don’t want to let all of that work go to waste.

Speaking of time on the treadclimber, I was watching “Oprah” while I was there and I’m scared to death about menopause.  They keep saying how this stuff can start when you’re 35 and I turn 35 next Sunday!  Yikes.  I thought I had 15 or more years to go until I had to worry about this stuff.  Geez, I just had a baby a few years ago and now I have to worry about menopause already??????  Oh well, since I’m always cold maybe the hot flashes will be a welcome change

Days on plan this month:  21

Progress toward workout goal:  170/250

As of yesterday I have had 20 days this month where my eating was on plan.  This is a fairly significant achievement for me considering the fact that I didn’t start being back on-track until January 5th.  Exercise has always come easily to me but making healthy food choices for a consistent period of time has been my major struggle.  For some reason, though, it has been much easier this time.  Of course, not having holiday challenges makes it much easier but there have been a few dinners out and parties this month and I stuck to my plan.  For now I’m not going to question why it’s easier, I’m just going to be thankful.  Besides, I’m too much a believer in karma that if I start talking too much about how much easier it has been this time around I know I’ll be speed-eating french fries and cookies before you can say “told you so.”

This morning I had to get up at 4:00 again b/c of meetings after school.  I did my Karen Voight arms/abs DVD and the 20 minute TJ.  That makes early workouts every day this week.  Tomorrow I get to “sleep in” until 5:15, I hope that my internal clock doesn’t go off at 4:00 like was happening before Christmas.

That’s all for now, time to catch up on what you all are doing.

Days on plan this month:  20 (yay, I met my goal)

Progress toward workout goal:  169/250

Thanks so much to all of you who send good vibes our way for surgery.  Everything went just as the doctor said it would, we were actually home by about 9:30.  Now he’s taking a little nap and since our nurse was still here today my hubby and I were able to take a nap as well.  I feel like a new woman.  Since your good vibes were so effective, keep sending them until the vote next week so I can keep my job!!!!!!!

While we were filling out all of the paperwork I read a calendar on the wall and it had a quote that I really like.  “A goal w/o a plan is simply a wish.”  How true.  When I think of all of the times I have tried to lose weight in the past, the times when I was successful were when I had a thorough, reasonable plan and conversely, the times I failed was when I strayed from the plan or tried to wing it.  My hubby laughs at me b/c I’m such a control freak but it’s what works for me.  After 34 years I guess it’s not going to change.

After my decadent nap I ate a quick lunch and then browsed ebay for treadclimbers.  My plan for a while has been to quit the gym when my year is up and buy a treadclimber for our home.  I’m sad to say that I don’t think this plan is going to work.  Basically, all of the machines meant for individuals to buy cannot adjust the intensity while you’re on them.  So if I want to do the interval training like I always do I would have to walk for 2 minutes at the minimum setting, stop, adjust the treadles, get back on at the max setting for 2 minutes, stop, adjust the treadles, etc.  Not exactly an efficient way to workout.  Then I found a commercial grade machine and they’re about $8000.  I can pay for a lot of months at the gym for that kind of money

After that disappointment I went to workout.  I love how I feel afterward.  Why don’t I remember that feeling when I start acting like a slug????

Days on plan this month:  19

Progress toward workout goal:  168/250

I am a bundle of nerves right now and I don’t like this feeling.  Generally I handle things pretty well, keeping an eye on what I can control and not worrying about what I can’t.  But right now the stuff I can’t control is so overwhelming and hitting all at once.  And they’re major things so it’s not like it’s no big deal if things don’t turn out well.

The most pressing concern is that my son is having surgery tomorrow.  It’s nothing major, tubes in his ears, but he’s being sedated and it’s scary.  I’ll be much happier this time tomorrow when I’m cuddling him at home.

Also, a week from tomorrow is the vote on the levy for our school district.  I had been somewhat confident that it would pass but today I’m not so sure.  Our newspaper did a story yesterday on it and also posted a favorable editorial about the vote.  You can go online and read comments that people post to stories and every single comment was hostile.  One person actually wrote something about how we wouldn’t need the levy if teachers bought their own donuts for a change.  WTF?  Is that what the public thinks we spend money on, freakin’ donuts!  Then I find out that even if it does pass my job still might be in jeopardy b/c the state has reduced the amount of money we will receive and since my job is in an elective department it would be a logical cut.  I know that we should have been saving more but w/my hubby being back in school the last 3 years our savings is nearly kaput.  We have been planning everything based on us going back to a 2-income household this fall; instead we may become a 0-income household.

I do, though, still have some strange feeling that things will be ok.  I just hope that it’s the obvious “ok” scenario instead of something that I’ll look back on in 10 years and be thankful for.  I’ll keep you all posted.

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This morning I got up early and did a weighted pilates DVD, always forgetting how hard it is.  I was considering skipping it b/c I was so tired last night but when the alarm went off at 4:00 I was surprisingly ready to get up.  Tomorrow we have to be at the hospital by 5:00 but I should be able to take a nap in the afternoon.  If I’m still tired on Wednesday I’ll skip my 4:00 workout.

Days on plan this month:  18

Progress toward workout goal:  167/250

It shouldn’t matter so much but the scale finally gave me a number that I was happy with.  I wasn’t sure what today was going to bring b/c we went out for Mexican food last night.  I stuck to the light menu but I figured it was loaded w/sodium.  Today is said 237.2 which is a 13.6 pound loss since January 5th and a 4.4 pound loss for the last 2 weeks.  I also dropped from 44.6% body fat to 42.0%  I’m about 15 pounds away from my lowest adult weight (223), I can’t wait to surpass that number.  I know that obstacles will pop up but right now I’m flying high and feeling like nothing will stop me.  I’m trying not to set weight goals and purely focus on my behavior but I would LOVE it if I was out of the 200’s by the end of the school year.  That’s about 4 1/2 months away, losing 37 pounds in that time frame isn’t unreasonable.  Plus, if we keep accumulating snow days I’ll have even longer to reach that goal!

Have I mentioned what an awesome hubby I have?  Sundays are my day to sleep in and it was heavenly to sleep until 7:30.  And now that working out is just a regular part of my day, he asked me when I wanted him to watch the kids so I could go.  I was able to lift at home while he and my older son ran some errands this morning and then I hit the gym for an hour on the treadclimber.  It might not sound like much but our younger son still doesn’t do well w/him (it’s part of his illness) so me being gone for 1 1/2 hours can be a miserable experience for him.  Fortunately Kyle slept almost the entire time I was gone so everyone was happy

Today is Sunday so it’s my highest calorie day on the calorie cycle.  We’re going to order pizza and I’ll consider it an on-plan day if I eat healthy for everything but supper.  So far, so good.

Days on plan this month:  17

Progress toward workout goal:  166/250

I don’t know what was up w/my grouchy attitude yesterday.  It continued on into the night but fortunately magically disappeared overnight.  When Kyle decided to get up at 5 am (that should have made me grouchy right there) I was looking forward to doing my regular Saturday am pilates workout while he got his breathing treatment.  Later I was able to lift weights for 30 minutes and do the 20 minute TJ workout.

I’m sure part of my improved attitude was due to the fact that the scale was much friendlier today, 238.5.  Somehow I “lost” 2.5 pounds since yesterday.  Anyway, I was thankful for the good news b/c we’re going out to dinner tonight and this will help me to make good choices.  Last night I was debating on chucking the diet and eating what I wanted for supper since we don’t go out very often but then I realized that there will be dinners out for the rest of my life and that I need to learn how to stay on a healthy track.

I’m going to check the restaurant’s website right now so that I know what I’m going to order.  Hopefully I’ll be able to check in w/you all later today.

Days on plan this month:  16

Progress toward workout goal:  165/250

Today after school we have a post-hospital/pre-operative visit for my son so I had to get up at 4:00 to workout.  For the first time in I don’t know how long I didn’t want to workout.  Then it got worse b/c I weigh-in on Friday for the contest I’m in w/my siblings and I’m back to where I started last Wednesday.  Logically I know that I didn’t truly gain the 3 pounds back and that next week I’ll probably lose 5 pounds but I’m still pissed.  After I weighed in I really didn’t want to workout but since I was already up I figured I might as well.

I popped in one of my favorite workouts, thinking that would get me in the groove.  Our DVD player in the basement has been acting up, so much so that we bought a new one LAST SUMMER!  But where is it?  Still in the box.  In my hubby’s defense it’s a major project to switch them out b/c we have a huge entertainment center and home theater system in the basement so there are about a million wires to mess with and he has been so busy w/school.

After it skipped the 2nd or 3rd time I decided to call it quits.  I did workout for 25 minutes but when I started my workout challenge I said that I had to workout for 30 minutes for it to count.  If I get more exercise later today I’ll change the tally but not for now.

I think another part of the reason I quit was b/c my hands are killing me.  I need to get a pair of the weightlifting gloves b/c I’m getting callouses. 

This is frustrating.  I struggle often w/diet but never w/exercise.  My biggest problem w/exercise is usually finding enough time to do it.  But I am not going to use this as an excuse to eat.  I am going to stick to the program so that when I do my weigh-in on Sunday for me I can honestly evaluate how I’m doing.  I’ll also check my body fat % at that time, but I know that I didn’t gain 3 pounds of muscle in 8 days.  I will focus on my behavior and let the scale catch up when he’s ready.  Stupid scale.

Days on plan this month:  15

Progress toward workout goal:  164/250 (no change)

Last night was full of peaks and valleys.  I ate more than I should have which is why I didn’t count it as a day on plan.  But my hubby decided to go to bed early which set me up for a major issue of mine:  secret eating.  My first thought when he said he was going to bed was “great, now I can eat this, that and the other thing.”  Then I asked myself what I would get from that.  Not only would I be ingesting calories I didn’t need, I would be doing it in a shameful way.  So I made a promise to myself that if I ate anything that I had to tell him about it in the morning.  I didn’t eat another bite.

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A while ago I was complaining that people weren’t noticing that I had lost weight but after 50 pounds gone I’m getting more and more compliments.  The funny thing is, the way I react often depends upon who is paying the compliment.  Today a colleague commented on how good I was looking and all I could think was “So, that must mean that I looked awful before.”  Part of the reason for my apprehension is this woman and I aren’t close and we really don’t have that much in common but I could definitely tell that her compliment was sincere.  Not 2 minutes after I ended that conversation I went to our morning social where they were serving donuts.  I wanted to dive head first into the tray.  Granted, I LOVE donuts but they usually aren’t very tempting to me b/c I always eat breakfast at home.  But I think I was uncomfortable w/what she said and knew that if I ate enough donuts that she’d quit saying it.  I resisted the donuts and now I am so happy that I did.

I’m also proud that I held firm to my plan to exercise instead of attend the meeting after school that was rescheduled from yesterday.  The guy in charge asked me again to see if my plans had changed and I said “Nope, I’m busy after school today.”  I didn’t explain, he didn’t ask.  We workout at the same gym, though, so I was hoping that I wouldn’t run into him there.  I did my hour on the treadclimber and then beat it out of there before he could figure out why I was “busy”.

Days on plan this month:  14 (no change)

Progress toward workout goal:  164/250