It’s all up to me

I feel blessed to have so many wonderful and supportive friends on this site.  Even though we have a lot of friends and family to talk with about our son, sometimes it’s hard b/c they’re going through it, too, and I don’t want to make them feel bad just b/c I’m sad.  Thank you for allowing me to use this site to be completely honest about my feelings and not having to worry about how anyone else feels.  And I think we have somewhat shot ourselves in the foot (feet??) b/c we have handled this situation so well that people tend to think that everything is ok.  Granted, life is more stable now than it was a year or two ago but each day is still a challenge.  I still cry every day and I know it’s never far from my hubby’s thoughts.  By the way, if anyone is curious about his exact disease it’s called Canavan’s DIsease, you can google it if you’re interested.  And he has a website, www.kyleseay.com if you want to see pics. 

As far as dieting/eating, today has been much better.  I knew I wasn’t going to get in a workout after school so I got up at 4:15 to do the cardio/abs tape in Power 90.  I’m really starting to like this program.  I was hungrier than normal today but I have been able to control it, I’m sure b/c we were back at school and the day was a bit more predictable and scheduled than yesterday.

I also did some math and if I workout tomorrow and Friday I will be at the halfway point for my workout goal.  I had considered skipping my workout tomorrow b/c I’ll have to get up at 4:15 again but knowing that I can be halfway to my goal in only 5 1/2 months is motivating.  It also might do me some good to turn the 2 year anniversary of his diagnosis into something more positive.  So if anyone is bored I’ll be up kicking some butt at 4:15 am, give me a call

Progress toward workout goal:  123/250

I just read all of the wonderfully supportive and encouraging comments that my friends left on my last post and I feel like a total schmuck.  The day has taken a total nosedive since this afternoon.  It’s not even that I’m out of control, I’m just making bad choices and I don’t honestly care all that much.  What is going on w/me?  I have truly been thinking and I can’t decide if it’s that I’m worried that I’ll fail for the next few weeks so if I just give up or sabotage myself that it will be better or something else.  As I was forcefeeding candy corn (leftover from Halloween for pete’s sake) mixed w/almonds I tried to think what could be bringing this on and I realized that Friday is the 2 year anniversary of the day we learned about my son’s illness.  I don’t know if this could truly be the reason b/c I didn’t realize the date was coming until I thought hard about it but it must be something b/c as I started typing this sentence I have started to cry.  Even if this is the reason I can’t just sit here and use it as an excuse to eat everything that isn’t nailed down.  So as a new start TONIGHT I’m throwing away the rest of the almonds and candy.  Small gesture, but it’s a start.

Last night didn’t go well.  I caved and ordered the pizza w/o risking the life of our delivery driver b/c the ice didn’t come until nearly bedtime.  And even though I went over calories by a TON, I really think it was the right thing to do b/c today is going very well.  We did have a snow day, thankfully they announced it last night so we were able to sleep in.  Since I got the pizza out of my system I have been able to stay on plan today.  I’m not going to get cocky b/c late afternoon/evening is my tough time but I’m pleased that I avoided the waffles for breakfast and ate my normal meal.  I also did the first weight workout in the Power 90 series, old school but effective.  It was only 30 minutes long so I did the 20 minute TJ workout and the ab workout from Power 90. 

To get through December w/o throwing in the towel I have decided to up the exercise.  I know it won’t erase the extra calories that are bound to be consumed but it’s better than nothing.  I’m still not going to plan to maintain, I want to see a loss.  But I’m realizing that unless I lock myself in my house and don’t partake in any holiday celebrations that I’m not going to be able to stay on-plan like I would like.  This week, for instance, I have a party on Thursday evening, we’re going out Friday night and Saturday during the day and hosting a cookie decorating party on Sunday.  That means that I have to make cookies and frosting sometime this week which will add a few calories for sure.

Progress toward workout goal:  122/250

I’m really struggling w/food today.  As usual, if my schedule gets thrown off it’s harder and we got out of school early (yay) due to ice (boo).  My hubby was going to have to stay at school late to finish some work so I wasn’t sure if I was going to get a workout but I decided that I was going to MAKE time.  Score one for me.  Then it turned out that his school sent him home b/c he’s about 40 minutes away from home and they didn’t want him messing w/ice.  So after 40 minutes on the treadclimber I hit Target and then picked up my son from school.

So what’s the problem?  I’m dying for taco pizza from this one place in town.  They have specials on Monday nights and I could honestly taste it.  It’s also my hubby’s favorite pizza and I know he’d be all for eating it.  But after the weekend we had (let’s just say I didn’t make good food choices from Saturday night on) I don’t want to allow even a little bit of wiggle room.  Plus, it’s quite likely that we’re going to have a snow day tomorrow which puts me at risk for more poor eating.  But the even bigger problem is that even though I know the choice I should make, I don’t really want to make the right choice.  I want the pizza and then the waffles tomorrow morning when we’re snowed in. 

So I’d like to say that I’m going to hold firm and only eat healthy food but that would not be honest.  I can say that at this moment I’m going to hold firm, but it’s only 3:30 and there’s a long night ahead.  I’m kind of hoping fate takes the choice away from me b/c if the snow/ice comes soon then we can’t order pizza b/c I wouldn’t risk the life of my hubby or a delivery guy to bring pizza to my door.  I just hate it, though, that I can’t be strong enough myself to make this choice.

So I’m going to try the trick from sterling and ask myself if I want this (being thin, strong, healthy, in control).  I’m going to focus on what I’ll get by eating healthy instead of what I have to give up.  It’s not like the pizza place is going out of business, I can order it any day of the week.  I’m also going to use money as a way to say no, it’s silly to spend $20 on a pizza when it’s Christmastime.

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On a different note, I may have a new approach for weekends, let me know what you think.  Since I’m such a creature of habit, I eat very similar things during the week but weekends cause chaos.  So I’m thinking of journaling what I eat on the weekends.  Possibly the act of writing every bite down could be enough to keep me from eating 4 pieces of red velvet cake (yesterday).  If we do have a snow day tomorrow maybe I’ll try it out.

I also realize that I need to make sure that I get in time on the treadclimber at least 3 times a week.  I like doing other workouts, too, but the act of walking or being on the treadclimber really helps to slim my hips.  When things happen to interfere w/gym time I usually workout at home but I need to make sure that I get to the gym on a more regular basis.

Progress toward workout goal:  121/250

Earlier this morning I was reading some blogs and came upon sterling’s (concentrated) post.  In it she talks about wanting Rice Krispie treats and explains how she has been so successful.  Basically, she asks herself if she wants it.  But instead of “it” being the treat, “it” is being slim, healthy, powerful, etc.  I cannot explain to you how powerful this concept is to me.  Thank you once again for the guidance and support that I find on this website.

So my answer to the question is a loud “YES”.  And I think hearing this message on a weekend in December is perfect timing.  Today my son and I are having a special day, just the 2 of us.  He mentioned wanting to go to Wendy’s and I said ok b/c they have fairly healthy food.  Last night I spent some time online finding out what I’m going to order and I’ll be able to keep it under 400 calories.  Score.  Later we’re going to the YMCA where they’re going to have cookie decorating and visits w/Santa.  Keeping this question in mind will help me get through.  And then tonight we have a birthday party for my FIL.  I may not be going b/c our younger son is now sick, but if I do I know I’ll have the tools to make it through.

I started the Power 90 workout series today and I really like it.  I’m going to think today about how I’m going to incorporate it into my workout regime.  There are 2 cardio and 2 strength workouts; one of each is easier and one is a more advanced level.  I did the easier cardio workout and could honestly progress to the harder level already.  Knowing this, I know there is no way that I can do it every other day for 3 months, I’ll get bored out of my mind.  But my brother has used them and says that they are very effective.  My goal in doing these is to up my fitness level so that I can do P90X (a more advanced set of workouts from the same program) by the summer.

Got to go shower, see you all later.

Progress toward workout goal:  120/250

That’s how I’m going to have to get through this weekend w/o wiping out any progress I made this week.  I thought it would be fun to try on a few of the dresses I bought yesterday and now I realize I’m a complete idiot.  Why would it be fun to try on dresses that are size L when I’m a XXL?  I looked like a stuffed sausage, it was hideous.  I realize that these are dresses that shouldn’t fit right now b/c I want them to fit in about 5 months but I got really discouraged last night and had those feelings like I’m never going to get there.  So for right now I can’t think long term, I just have to focus on the healthy choices that I’m making every day.

Today I got up and did the TJ workout w/the weighted gloves.  I forgot how much I liked that one.  I’m going to get some work done and then hopefully do the yoga/pilates DVD while my sick son is vegging on the couch.  Although I’m sad he’s sick it’s kind of an easy day for me…he’s too sick to go to school but not so sick that he’s wiped out.  We have played a few video games and later we’re going to rent a movie so he can watch a cartoon.  I don’t want to make it too fun so that he fakes being sick so that we can hang out, but it’s so rare that just he and I get to do stuff that I’m savoring it.

I’ll check in w/you all later.

Progress toward workout goal:  119/250

I tempted fate today by trying on my size 16 jeans that I want to be in by the end of the year.  You would think that I would shy away from trying anything on based on the dress fiasco from last night but apparently I’m a glutton for punishment.  Anyway, they almost fit!  The last time I tried them on (about 1 1/2 weeks ago) there was about an inch or so gap at the button, today I got them fastened and zipped!!!!!!!  Granted, I had to lay down on the bed to do it and I wouldn’t go out in public or sit down w/them on but I have tangible proof of my progress.  There are still 26 days until the end of the year, I can do this.

If any of you are struggling w/the ups and downs of the scale I really recommend this process.  Every time I go down a size I buy a pair of pants a size smaller and then try them on every week or so.  I care more about size than pounds, anyway, so when I can put those pants on it makes me very proud of myself.  I found a pair of size 14 pants on clearance the other day that were really cute so I already have my size 14’s ready to go when I meet the 16 goal.  I won’t say that I still don’t get discouraged by what the scale says from time to time, but now it’s not my only way of measuring my progress.

I had a dream last night that I was kidnapped by Ashton Kutcher.  I saw one of his Cannon commercials before bed, that must have been what did it.  He is from a little town very near where I grew up but it’s not like I know him.  Some very strange things happened in the dream and I won’t go into them here for the risk of a libel suit but let’s just say I was thrilled when it was time to get up at 4:10 and workout.

Speaking of workouts I have a new one and it’s freakin’ fantastic.  It’s by Karen Voight and it’s called “Slim Toning on a Ball”.  It’s only 30 minutes long which is great b/c I don’t have a lot of short workouts and as you can tell from the title it involves an exercise ball.  It’s a great workout for abs/core and arms but that is where I need the majority of my work.  If any of you are familiar w/Karen Voight let’s just say that her physique has…uh…changed (here comes that libel suit again) so it’s kind of hard to focus on the work when I’m staring at her seriously bulging biceps and…uh…pectoral muscles (wink, wink) but it’s an amazing workout.  After I did that I did the 20 minute TJ workout for some cardio.

I’m happy to say that I made it through last night so now I focus on today.  I have an all day meeting at our AEA and they always put candies on the table and we go out for lunch.  My goal for today is to not eat any of the candies.  I’m going to bring almonds and my fig-a-majigs if I’m tempted for chocolate.  For lunch we’re going to Panera so I’m going to see if they have an online menu w/calories listed.  But for now it has been a good day.

Progress toward workout goal:  118/250

6:00

I’m having another Sybil day but so far, so good.  I have stuck to my eating plan, had 1/2 a turkey sandwich and 1/2 a salad, about 500 calories for everything.  For eating out I consider that a victory.

Also, the meeting I was at all day was fantastic!  Usually meetings for school are less fun than the annual OBGYN exam but we got a lot done.  It’s all about making student behavior plans and brimming under the surface has been the fact that the teachers feel that the administration isn’t doing enough and the principals think that the teachers can’t handle the kids.  We finally laid everything out on the table and basically decided that the big problem is communication, the right hand doesn’t know what the left hand is doing.  And I told my principal “I know that I frustrate you sometimes” and he looked at me like I was crazy.  He said that I don’t frustrate him, that he likes the different perspective that I bring.  YAY!!!!!  I know this good feeling won’t last forever but I’m savoring it right now.

After the meeting I had to go to the store to get some shoes for my hubby and I found a TON of bargains.  I love summer dresses and I bought a bunch in size L.  I know I can get there if I keep working at it and it’s hard to pass up dresses that are on sale for $4.  I think I now have about 10 dresses to serve as motivation, as well as a few tops.

So now the challenge is now blowing the weekend.  I’m going to be home w/my son tomorrow (strep throat, did I say that?) and part of me wants to use the time to bake Christmas cookies.  We’re going to decorate them a week from Sunday and I figured I could put them in the freezer.  But I think I’m going to be smart and hold off on making the cookies b/c if they’re there I’ll eat them all next week.  I do have to say that I make awesome sugar cookies so I’m not going to have that temptation sitting around.  So for tomorrow, I’m going to do a fierce workout first thing and then do the yoga/pilates DVD later in the day when he’s watching cartoons.  I’m going to eat the same food that I would eat if I was at school.  I’ll make a plan for Saturday tomorrow night.

I wore a pair of pants today that must have magical powers b/c at least 5 different people commented on how good I looked.  On person even said that I was “wasting away”.  I doubt I can waste away at 240 pounds but it still felt good to hear.  I think part of the reason they make me look thinner is that they actually fit instead of being baggy; I bought them at a garage sale for about $2 several years ago and was never able to fit into them.  I stubbornly hung onto them and now I’m pleased that they fit and that they were so cheap.  It makes me want to run out and replace my entire wardrobe but I’m too cheap and in all honesty we don’t have the money right now.  But it strengthengs my resolve to hang in there.  I have promised myself that next summer I’m going to have a shopping spree before school starts b/c I should be in about a size 10 and I have no clothes that small.  So I’m going to hold off on shopping now so that I can buy more then.

Speaking of sizes, though, I’m still confused about how much weight I’m going to need to lose.  When they did the makeovers on TBL last night I was amazed that Heba was in a 14.  Her start weight was about where I was a year ago and I have lost 50 pounds, she has lost 70.  I can’t imagine that in 20 more pounds I’ll be down to a 14 (right now I’m 18/20).  Oh well, I guess I’ll know when I get there, won’t I?

Today I got up at 4:15 and did yoga/pilates.  I had planned to hit the gym for 30 minutes after my meeting tonight but our meeting ran long and we had snow today so I had to take the time to scrape windows.  I forgot how  much I hate the cold.  Anyway, my hubby has a meeting tonight and I knew that if I took time to go to the gym that it would be too frantic tonight before he left.  Instead, I stopped and went tanning.  Ooh, I love to be in that warm little bed.  Bad habit, I know, but I can’t give up all of my vices at once.

B/c of skipping my afternoon workout, though, and him being gone tonight could be a bit more of a challenge.  I’m big on secret eating but I have promised myself that I will confess to all of you AND to him if I eat anything that’s not on plan.  I’m also worried b/c I’m at a meeting all day tomorrow which means going out to lunch so it’s so tempting to just chuck the plan right now and begin the feast.  But tonight I just need to worry about tonight, tomorrow can wait.

Progress toward workout goal:  117/250

…you know, the character w/multiple personalities played by Sally Field?  That’s how I feel lately.  I have been had feelings like I can accomplish anything to feeling like I’ll never succeed within minutes of each other.  Then as soon as I convince myself that I’m strong and have the determination to stay on plan during the holidays the rollercoaster ride begins again and I start to doubt myself.  So I guess for now I just need to hang on b/c it’s going to be a bumpy ride.  At least I like rollercoasters, though

I was getting bored w/my weightlifting workouts so I pulled out an old Crunch Pilates DVD w/weights.  Holy crap, I forgot how hard it was.  My left knee was bothering me so I wasn’t able to go into the plie stance very deeply but my arms are going to kill tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow, it is the beginning of 3 days w/goofy schedules.  I have a meeting after school and my hubby has a meeting in the evening.  I’m hoping I’ll get 30 minutes at the gym before I go home but I can’t guarantee that.  In case I don’t get there I’m going to get up early in the morning and workout.  Thursday, I go in late for a meeting so I’ll workout in the morning b/c after school I need to get some Christmas shopping done.  And then Friday I’m helping chaperone the school dance so I’ll have to workout in the morning.  Whew, this week is going to fly by.

I look forward to reading about what’s going on w/all of you later tonight.  You guys really keep me on track.

Progress toward workout goal:  116/250

I have been doing a lot of thinking these last 48 hours.  I decided to take yesterday off from exercise and it was torture.  I really missed it and noticed that I was much crankier than usual, my hubby even commented.  But I realized that I had worked out every day for nearly 3 weeks and thought that maybe my body needed a rest. 

Since I wasn’t exercising (or does shoveling food into your mouth count as exercise?) I started thinking about the upcoming month.  I toyed w/the idea of just maintaining during December but then realized that having a plan to maintain is telling myself that I can’t do it.  I’m not saying that anyone who is planning to maintain through the holidays isn’t making a good plan, it’s just a plan that doesn’t work for me.  I realize that my losses may be more inconsistent than usual but in all honesty I’m generally inconsistent w/my weight loss so maybe it will be a normal loss.  Who knows?  At this point I still want to be below 230 by the end of the year.  Even more importantly, I want to fit into the size 16 pants that I bought.  If I stay focused I can do it.

I also started worrying (prematurely) over the 2 week break we have at Christmas.  As much as I’m looking forward to it, I’m scared that I’ll pack on a million pounds b/c I’ll be out of my normal routine.  And then I realized, I’m home for 2 months in the summer and I’m more successful losing weight in the summer than during the school year.  So I just need to create a new routine; one for the school week and one for days I’m not at school whether it be a weekend or more extended break.  Either way, I need to realize that weekends and breaks are part of life and shouldn’t be feared.

So today was the first step back on the path toward my goal.  I am on plan for food and had a great workout (70 minutes on the treadclimber, 1400+ calories burned).  I have a few obstacles this week in my regular schedule, tonight or tomorrow I will map out how I will stay on-plan regardless of these changes.  I know there will be some days during December that are going to involve high-calorie food and I’m going to partake but 3 or 4 days throughout the month cannot turn into 31 days of the month!  I started this journey last year about 10 days before Christmas and was able to lose weight during the holiday season, I can do it again.

Progress toward workout goal:  115/250