It’s all up to me

The situation w/my boss is back on the downhill slide.  We had a meeting after school and I barely spoke but the one comment I did make was not understood by him, mostly b/c he interrupted me as I was making it and said that I was on the wrong track.  I don’t normally make comments like this but I truly believe that if someone else had made the point that I made it would have been more well-received.  Several of us believe that he has a plan he wants to enact, which is fine, he’s the boss.  But he doesn’t want to say, “Here’s my plan, do it, b/c I’m the boss.”  He wants it to look like a group effort and that it’s a concensus.  It actually got quite uncomfortable a few times b/c at one point he and the AP (who I respect 100%) got into a little argument and several times there was dead silence b/c nobody wanted to make a comment.  On a good note, though, I met my new students today and they seem to be really eager to learn.  When I’m in my own classroom or hanging out w/my friends at school I love my job, it’s just these meetings that drive me crazy.

I got up this morning at 4:15 to do TJ Cardio Party since I knew I wouldn’t get a workout tonight.  I still laugh at how uncoordinated I am that early in the morning.  But at least I’m shaking my boo-tay and burning a few hundred calories.

Tomorrow is another day and it’s almost Friday!!!

Progress toward workout goal:  104/250

Thank you to everyone for all of the positive comments about my work situation.  It’s almost as if your good vibes came though the air to me b/c I had to meet w/my boss about something and he paid me a compliment on my teaching.  On top of that, today is the last day of the trimester so it was the last day w/this group of kiddos and all day I was hearing kids say that they’re sad that our class is ending and that they wished they could stay.  Truly, the kids’ opinion matters more to me than my principal’s but I’ll take compliments from both any day.

For some reason, though, I was feeling a bit discouraged when I got home.  Instead of focusing on how much I have accomplished I was looking at my thick legs and thinking of how far I have to go.  Even though I’m still significantly overweight I have never had too many struggles w/body image so it was a strange feeling for me.  But instead of letting the self-pity kicked in a did my weight workout and bumped up to 12 pound weights from 10.  I’m going to be sore tomorrow but I feel so much better now.  Yes, my legs are thick, but they are strong.  Someday the fat will be gone and all you will see are muscles.  I just need to remind myself to be patient.  I’m not good at being patient

For tonight my goal is going to be not to let The Biggest Loser get me angry.  I’m sure Vicky will be nasty and I need to remember that it’s a tv show and that it doesn’t affect my life.  A funny thing, though; during last week’s episode I got so upset that I logged onto the Biggest Loser website and started reading the postings about the current show.  When I logged on there were 3 pages of comments and I couldn’t keep up with them, people were posting so quickly.  When I checked late last week there were 85 pages!!!!  I didn’t read them all but every single comment was about how this season has been so nasty, focusing on bad behavior instead of being inspirational.  I’m curious to see how tonight goes.

Progress toward workout goal:  103/250

I am involved in a committe at school and the topic is discipline/student behavior.  I was asked to be on it, which I do take as a compliment, but I also know that I wasn’t my boss’ first choice.  He and I have not always seen eye to eye on things so I’m sure he wasn’t thrilled to ask me.  Anyway, we met after school today and the task was defining what calls for sending a kid to the office, how to handle various disciplinary situations, etc.  I planned to go to the meeting and kind of keep my mouth shut but that plan fell by the wayside within a few minutes.  And even though the majority of the group agreed with my comments I have no clue how my principal felt.  I may or may not have mentioned it but he is a big picture person (he has fantastic vision) but I am a detail person.  My questions frustrate him and his lack of clairty frustrates me.  In all honesty, I don’t even care all that much what he thinks of me, I just want to know.  And the reason that this is causing me such distress is that I go into these meetings, open my mouth thinking that I’m going to make a difference, and then feel like I’m getting shot down time after time.  Oh well, I’m home now, so I don’t want to waste any more time letting this influence my evening.

After our meeting I hit the gym for a shortened workout.  Since it was short I upped the intensity and was still able to burn almost 700 calories in 35 minutes.  If they ever remove the treadclimbers from the gym I’m going to cry.

Progress toward workout goal:  102/250

…in sleep.  I was exhausted last night and was in bed by 9 and didn’t get up until 8 this morning.  I can’t remember the last time that I slept that many hours w/o being sick.  The sad thing was, I could have slept a few more hours but I knew my hubby was in the living room taking care of both kids and my guilt got the best of me.  But it was luxurious, that’s for sure.

I’m feeling very overwhelmed right now and the sad part is there is no realistic solution.  My hubby has a load of work to complete before the end of the semester and finding time to work it in is becoming stressful.  Our house is a constant disaster area, mostly b/c my son keeps needing more and more equipment and there isn’t enough room to store it all.  We’re actually going to be getting rid of a couch in the living room to make more space but even when everything is clean it looks cluttered which stresses me out.  Finances are of course a struggle and we should be a wheelchair accessible van but we just can’t afford one right now.  Plus, we need to either move or build a wheelchair accessible house but we can’t afford that, either.  They’re adding extra meeting at school (on our own time of course) and then add in the regular holiday stress and I’m about ready to go beserk.  I have considered taking a “mental illness day” but it’s generally more work to get ready for a substitute and since I have missed so much school the last 2 years b/c of my son I don’t feel right misusing my sick days that way.  Plus, 1 day isn’t really going to do any good, I need a mental illness month.  Thank heavens for exercise, though.  I just got done w/a TJ workout and I feel much better, at least for the moment.

I don’t mean to gripe, I really don’t.  The fact that I have these problems means that I’m lucky enough to have a wonderful husband, kids, home and job.  So many people don’t have what I have and I need to remember to be thankful.  But every now and then I think even the strongest of us show cracks and I think I’m at that point.  I also want to mention how thankful I am for all of you.  I’m still amazed at how supportive messages through a computer can be.  I know that so many of you out there are rooting for me and will help to keep me strong while I am feeling weak, it’s worth more than you know.

This week I’m going for a perfect week.  It’s my PMS week and I am apparently a glutton for punishment, going for perfect the week when I’m the most hungry.  But I can do it and I WILL do it.  This week will be a bit more challenging, though, b/c I have 2 late meetings after school.  I will make plans each day to incorporate exercise in spite of this change in my schedule and stick to my eating plan.

Progress toward workout goal:  101/250

I have completed 100 days of exercise since July 4th.  That was the day I got corny and declared my independence from being fat, so I declared that I would exercise 250 times within the next year.  As of right now I’m ahead of the game to reach my goal but I’m sure there will be some weeks where I don’t average my 5 workouts so these extra days will come in handy.  But for right now I shoot for working out every day b/c I enjoy it.  This morning I got up early and did my yoga/pilates DVD.  I had to do something quiet b/c everyone is still sleeping.  I’m hoping that incorporating pilates will help me to get rid of the mound of fat that’s between my belly button and lady bits.  I have been overweight for so long that I’m worried not all of the skin is going to snap back.  Oh well, I’ll worry about that problem when it’s here.

For today, my issue (as always) is going to be food.  A good friend and I are going out to breakfast while our boys are at a cooking class and then later my older son, hubby and I are going to do a few things including going out to lunch.  I rarely go out to eat and here I’m doing it 2 days in a row.  Like last weekend, I’m sure my calories are going to be higher than usual no matter what I do, but I’m going to focus on making healthy choices.  So for now, I’m going to eat a smaller than normal breakfast since it’s still over 3 hours until we meet.  At breakfast I’ll have a few eggs and some fruit and for lunch we’re going to the place we were going to go to last week so I’ll have the club sandwich w/the mayo on the side and cottage cheese.  I have to make it a good day today b/c I’m so close to the 230’s again.  When I first weighed myself this morning it was 240.0 but after my workout it said 238.0.  I’m going w/the higher number b/c I don’t typically weigh myself after my workout but I needed the motivation.

Progress toward workout goal:  100/250

This school year has really been very good, the weeks have been flying by.  This week, however, my good fortune bit me in the hiney.  I honestly thought it was Friday on Wednesday and each day felt like it was 20 hours long.  I am going to enjoy this weekend like no other.

Food was good today and so was my workout.  I always have a longer workout on Fridays but generally at a lower intensity.  I have been stuck at 241, though, so I decided to bump up the intensity.  I set the machine for intervals of 2 1/2 minutes at maximum treadles, 3.5 mph and then 1 1/2 minutes of minimum treadles at 3.7 mph.  The machine only lets you go for 15 intervals so I was actually disappointed when it shut off after 62 1/2 minutes.  I know I could have started it again but it requires plugging in your weight and a bunch of other stuff and I didn’t feel like it.  I know, I’m an idiot b/c I want to workout more but I was too lazy to program the machine.  It makes no sense to me, either.  But the good news is I burned over 1300 calories.  That damn scale had better budge tomorrow and I won’t be happy unless the middle number is a 3.  I don’t know why I’m letting the scale run my life like this but it’s just making me mad that it won’t cooperate.

And btw, adding a heartier snack (almonds with my apples) before this intense workout did the trick.  Last Friday I almost passed out but today I felt much sturdier.

Progress toward workout goal:  99/250

8:00

Small victory!  Went to the store and hubby wanted ice cream.  Blue Bunny has single servings of their ice cream and I was going to pick him up a pack or 2 of Bunny Tracks (YUM).  This store didn’t have them.  So I looked at the 1/2 gallon size and debated forever.  In the next section of ice cream there were pints of Ben & Jerry for the same price as the 1/2 gallon Blue Bunny.  My waistline knew that the smaller size was the best option but my wallet and cheapskate nature put up a good fight.  Finally I realized that I would be spending the same amount of money so my wallet could just shut up.  Plus, it would be better for both of us to buy the smaller amt. of ice cream; I won’t eat any and he’ll eat less. 

That damn scale had better be impressed by this in the morning

Well, I got 4th place in both the chili and dessert contest.  I expected to do better w/the chili and worse w/the dessert so I guess it evened out.  But I was the only person to place in both events so that’s something to be proud of.

I did the 1st workout of the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred and the pilates part of my yoga/pilates DVD.  Food was good today although I was very hungry so I ate part of my lunch early.  I also had an awful headache so I had an extra Coke Zero. 

My sister called today, the one who’s boyfriend threatened to kill her and her kids.  Her older son has been suspended and her younger son (kindergarten) has been sent to the principal’s office twice this year.  Her daughter is now acting out for attention.  She calls me for advice since I’m a teacher but I generally hold back b/c she won’t do what I suggest anyway and then it damages our relationship.  And since she quit talking to me for a while after the whole death-threat-thing I’m taking it easy. 

I was kind of selfish, though, when I was talking to her.  She doesn’t have a lot of support and money is really, really, tight so she can’t do a whole lot to de-stress.  I told her about this website in a generic fashion and explained how helpful it has been, definitely like therapy.  But I wouldn’t tell her the name of the website.  I didn’t want to risk that she would figure out who I am.  This is the one place where I can be 100% honest and that is what has been so helpful for me.  If I had to censor what I wrote b/c I thought someone I knew was reading I know I would quit blogging. 

Progress toward workout goal:  98/250

Today has been one of those days.  A crazy schedule at school since we had an early out but then we have meetings an hour later than usual.  We had our chili/dessert contest and I think I have a good chance to win the chili part.  My crock-pot was the only one that was empty so we’ll have to see.  But then we had our faculty meeting and I’m amazed again at how rediculous some of my colleagues are.  Essentially nothing got done but it took 3x longer than it was supposed to.  I couldn’t get to the gym fast enough to work off the frustration.

I worked out twice today.  Got up at 4:10 and did TJ Cardio Party, reminding myself that I’m not coordinated that early in the morning.  Then I only had time for 25 minutes at the gym but I bumped up the intensity so I burned 475 calories.  Man I love that machine!

If I could I would call in sick for the rest of the week and just hide in my house.  I’m truly needing a mental break, but I’m hoping to transfer to a different position w/i our district next year and I don’t want a lot of absences in my file.  Thanksgiving break is coming, I can hold on until then.

Progress toward workout goal:  97/250

Last night I ran to the store to pick up an item for my MIL that was only on sale through last night.  While I was there I scanned the clearance racks for cute dresses for next summer.  My hubby graduates from college in May and one of my goals is to be at or under 200 by then and look really cute in a spring dress.  I’m a tightwad, though, and to be honest the idea of having to replace my entire wardrobe is frightening b/c with him in school there isn’t a lot of extra money.  I started in the plus section, because, well, that’s where I have always shopped.  But then I realized that I basically fit in the smallest plus size right now and by spring they’ll all be way too big.  So I cautiously made my way into the “regular girls” section.  I kept waiting for alarms and buzzers to go off, maybe a metal cage coming down to trap me until an associate could direct me back to where I “belonged”.  But to my surprise nobody bothered me while I shopped

I found 3 super cute dresses and the best part was the most expensive one was $6.40 and I had a 20% off coupon.  I think I got all 3 dresses for under $12.  My favorite one is a coral color and cotton eyelet.  If I ever figure out how to post pictures I’ll take a picture of it.  It’s a size 12 and it is my goal to wear it to his graduation in May.

This morning I got up at 4:15 again to workout b/c we have a meeting after school.  The TJ weight workout kicks your butt but it’s nice b/c it’s only 40 minutes.

Got to go take a shower.

Progress toward workout goal:  96/250 

7:30 pm

Oooh, I’m so mad right now.  I would hate to think what my blood pressure is.  I’m watching The Biggest Loser and Vicky is a total bitch.  I’m still amazed at her behavior a couple of weeks ago when she didn’t try at the challenge b/c she said it was only about the money, especially when she had the chance to see her kids.  But her comments to Phillip tonight were completely childish.  Now I’m smart enough to realize that editors sometimes selectively edit characters for the most drama, but they can’t edit things if you don’t say them.  If she doesn’t get her ass handed to her I’m just about ready to head to California myself.  I’ll be so interested, though, to see how the finale show goes and see if there has been any fallout at her homecoming since she’s such a wench.  GRRRRRRRRRR

I pulled out some old clothes and found that I could easily get into several pairs of pants that would have been “painted on” only a few weeks ago.  Feeling encouraged, I bought a new pair of smaller pants, size 16.  My goal is to get into them by the end of the year.  It’s going to be a challenge; right now I can get them up but there are several inches between the button and the button hole.  But they’re so cute and “What Not to Wear” approved.

So now that I have these cute pants I need to figure out how I’m going to get into them, especially in this holiday season.  Basically, I have to have 2 good weeks in a row and then keep the ball rolling.  It has been a while since I have had that.  So this week I am going for a modified perfect week.  Basically, I’ll be perfect other than Wednesday afternoon.  We have our annual chili-cookoff and dessert contest at school and I don’t want to avoid the food.  I know I could if I wanted to, but I don’t want to.   To keep Wednesday from turning into the beginning of a binge, I’m going to get up early and do a short workout to burn some extra calories and then make sure that I workout after the contest.  I don’t care if I’m loaded down with 5 gallons of chili, cheese and crackers…my butt will be on that treadclimber Wednesday after school.

My biggest concern is getting through Tuesday night.  I’m making the chili and the dessert for our team.  I know, not the wisest choice, but I’m uber-competitive and I lost my dessert crown last year***** and am determined to get it back.  (*****I don’t really acknowledge that I lost b/c the girl who “won” had her mom make her dessert.  This year their team is considering buying a sh%tload of chili from Wendy’s.  I’ll go ape if that happens

Today I am on track and did a good 50 minute workout on the treadclimber.  Tomorrow I have to get up early to workout b/c we have yet another meeting after school, but I’m hoping it will be done early enough that I can get in a short workout before I have to cook the chili and dessert.  I’m counting on that extra workout providing the motivation that I will need to keep hundreds of extra calories out of my mouth while I’m cooking.

Progress toward workout goal:  95/250