It’s all up to me

I hope I’m doing the right thing by slowing things down but I know it’s the right thing for right now.  Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone for all of the fantastic comments.  And yes, tiny2b, I need to remember that I’m tired of being fat on top of everything else.

So a strange thing happened today, I didn’t feel like working out at the gym.  I still wanted to do something, but the idea of lifting weights or putting one foot in front of the other on the treadclimber was awful.  Normally, I would have made myself do it anyway, which might have been the best thing to do.  But instead, I went home and cut the grass.  It was a gorgeous day and the grass needed to be cut.  Then, I cleaned out our van and hung out w/my son.  Didn’t burn as many calories as if I would have at the gym but I had fun and got some exercise to boot.  I’m hoping, too, that by mixing it up I might be shaking up my body and make it burn more calories the next time I’m at the gym.

Food was ok today; my regular breakfast, snack, lunch and snack.  Supper was a pork chop, cottage cheese and broccoli/cauliflower/carrots.  Still healthy, so I’m pleased.

Progress toward workout goal:  72/250

I’m tired.  Physically, mentally, emotionally and any other way you can be tired.  Mostly, I’m tired of always making the right choice.  I know, I was the one flying high just a few days ago but I have crashed and burned.  I’m not giving up, I’m just pressing pause.

Every once in a while I get like this.  I try to fight it for a while but that is part of what has contributed to the exhaustion.  It’s a CONSTANT battle within myself to be perfect w/my diet, even though I realize that I don’t have to be perfect.  This week is laden w/obstacles and I have decided to not fight them.  Instead, I am going to focus on making the best choice available.  I am still going to workout b/c if I don’t I could easily put on 5 pounds in 1 week.  Plus, I like to workout and it keeps me somewhat on track.  I’m even going to stay on plan while at school; I like what I eat and I’m not hungry during the day.  But I need a break at suppertime.  The frozen meals (WW, Healthy Choice, etc.) work well but I have hit a wall.  Instead, we’re going to bake pork chops tomorrow night and I’m going to make a batch of WW Taco Soup for Thursday night.  Nothing awful, just more calories than I would normally eat.  If I want dessert I’m going to eat it.  And since I know we’ll be eating out a lot this weekend and probably Thurs/Fri at school (I have meetings all day Thurs and guest speakers that I have to entertain on Friday) I’m not even going to pretend that I can be 100% on plan. 

Tonight I was on the treadclimber for 55 minutes and burned almost 1100 calories.  More of the same tomorrow.

Progress toward workout goal:  71/250

Today was an exhausting day.  The kids at school were goofy in all of my classes and even kids who normally do a great job were getting on my nerves.  I think a lot of it was worrying about MY son at school.  I get frustrated b/c his teacher doesn’t communicate w/me as much as I think she should but I’m trying to back off and let him solve his own problems.

Turns out school was fantastic for my son and then we had our after school “date”.  It was fun, we played at the playground and rode bikes but once it was time to go home he got upset.  It wasn’t a shock to see this b/c going home meant having to share us w/his brother but it made it so frustrating.  I tried to keep in mind that it’s totally normal kid behavior, but I just wanted to shout at him “What more do you want??”

So food hasn’t been great tonight but it could have been worse.  My son and I ran to the store after my hubby went home to watch the baby and we shared a pretzel w/cheese.  I was just about ready to tell him I didn’t want any but it was easy to see that this pretzel was more than just a snack, it was something to do together.  And as much as I do not want food to represent love it wasn’t a battle that I was prepared to fight at that moment.  I was just about ready to throw in the towel and order pizza for supper (”after all,” my inner voice said, “you’ve already blown your diet w/the pretzel.”) but held myself back.  Instead, I ate my normal supper and then added 2 pieces of my hubby’s pizza.  Hey, I never claimed to be a rocket scientist.

If I had to guess I would say I went over today by about 500 calories but life will go on.  I will go to the gym tomorrow and beat those calories into submission.  I will be less tempted tomorrow b/c I will be in my regular routine.  I just have to keep myself focused all week b/c this weekend I have all but accepted the fact that I’m going to have to take a break from my strict diet and it’s so tempting just to take the whole week off.  But I have decided that my goal for this week is just to hold my ground and maintain.  I guess I can look at is as practice for the time that I hit my goal weight.

And as usual, thanks for all of the fantastic comments.  I don’t think I ever realized how hard it is to be a parent.  And I also think this is making me a better teacher b/c I know I will be more tolerant of the parents of my students now that my son is in school.

5:00 am Tuesday

I should change the title to “Slipped a lot”.  I gave into my feelings last night and ate anything that wasn’t tied down.  I could have resisted if I wanted to, I just didn’t want to.  Not the healthiest of admissions but it’s better than not being in control of what was going in my mouth. 

243.0

I’m overjoyed.  I didn’t check back but I think my weight last week was 245.5 so that’s a loss of 2.5 lbs!!  And this was during a week of taking a day off from eating right, 2 days off from exercise and having TOM!  In all fairness, I would guess that some of it is lost water weight from PMS but I still earned this.

Later I plan to workout b/c I think tomorrow will be the day that hubby and I pick up our older son from school to have some special time.  I’m not too worried about staying on track w/food tomorrow since I won’t be working out b/c Mondays are always easier since I’m back in the routine of school and I had my treat the day before.  Plus, I did it last week and that shows me that I can do it again.

Hope you all have a great day, I’ll post more after my workout.

1:20

I did the 4 Mile WATP DVD and added a 20 pound weighted vest to make it harder.  I didn’t really feel like working out but it was funny, my hubby just expects it now.  He got all of his stuff done this morning and then said “If you want to workout now go ahead, I’ll take care of the kids.”  He didn’t even consider that I wouldn’t workout.  That’s definitely progress.

It’s also weird that it’s my “free” day and I’m not eating everything in sight.  I used to almost feel compelled to binge on junk food, almost until the moment I go to bed.  But so far today I have had my normal breakfast and then some peanut butter on toast.  Normally I wouldn’t let myself eat pb so it was a treat, but a much healthier treat than I would normally have.  In a while I’m going to heat up some leftover hamburger for a taco and tonight I am having french fries, but compared to Sundays in the past I am making huge progress.  I honestly think I could let the french fries pass me by, but I’m almost afraid that if I do I won’t be able to make it until next Sunday.  I will be strong enough in the future to not feel obligated to eat treats even when I don’t necessarily want them on Sundays, I’m just not there yet.

Progress toward workout goal:  70/250

I finally figured out the solution to my problems…I need to find a sugar daddy.  Or my hubby can find a sugar momma, I don’t care.   Just someone who will take care of all of the financial stuff so that I don’t need to work anymore.  It would eliminate stress from school as well as give me enough time to take care of everything.  Whew, problem solved.

Wouldn’t it be nice if it were that easy?  I know that as a teacher I’m lucky to have a few months a year to not have to work but sometimes it almost makes it worse b/c I know how great life could be if I didn’t have to worry about paying bills.

Where is all of this coming from, you ask?  This morning my 5 year-old finally opened up about what has been bothering him.  Basically, he resents his little brother b/c his disease takes a lot of care and it takes my attention away from him.  Then, he feels guilty b/c he’s angry at his little brother who is dying and even at 5 he knows that you “shouldn’t” be angry w/someone who is dying.  Then he remembers how much fun we had over the summer when we did have time to hang out and he knows what he’s missing.  The next crazy emotion is being sad that his brother is dying and then you can add all the regular crap that kids go through and you have an emotional cocktail that would be a lot for most adults to handle, let alone a kindergartener.  I basically told him that I get mad at Kyle, too, even though I feel like I shouldn’t.  We were both crying and it was so sweet b/c he told me he had to go get something and he came back w/tissues, climbed on my lap and wiped away my tears.  I’m crying right now just thinking about it.

So we talked about how important it is to share your feelings no matter what they are.  I explained that his teacher, counselor and principal know about our situation so if he has these feelings at school he can talk to any of them.  We also are going to have him start talking w/his psychologist again and one day a week I am going to skip my workout so that hubby and I can pick him up after school together and do something before our nurse has to leave.  My MIL has agreed to watch Kyle for a couple of hours every weekend so that we can do something w/Justin and my mom and dad are taking Kyle all next weekend so we can have several days of individual attention.  I’m hoping that my parents can do this every month or two so that we can have a fun weekend.  If you’re so inclined, say a prayer or two for us that this plan will make a difference.  I hate to think that he thinks we don’t love him as much as we love his brother and I don’t want him to have any more problems at school.

Diet-wise the day is going well b/c per my usual, when I’m all emotional I don’t feel like eating.  I have eaten a healthy breakfast and lunch and also got in a tough FIRM workout.  I haven’t done it for a few months and was happy to see that I was able to jump up to 12 pound weights and complete all of the reps.  I used to use 10 pound weights and not make it all of the way through so I have definitely increased my fitness level.

I also sneaked a peak at the scale this morning and it read 244 but I’m still going to hold-off on my official weigh-in until tomorrow so that I stay on track today.  I also checked after my workout and I was down to 242 but I’m sure that’s sweat leaving my body, not fat.  But I’m excited to see what Mr. Scale says tomorrow, I’ll let you know what he told me.

Progress toward workout goal:  69/250

I’m so glad it’s the weekend but as many of you know, weekends bring danger in the world of dieting.  The reason I’m afraid for this weekend is that our regular routine is being switched.  My hubby is going out w/his buddy Saturday night so we’re switching the days we sleep in.  Normally, I rest up on Sundays which gets me ready for the week but instead I’m going to sleep in tomorrow.  Really, not a big deal, but I am a creature of habit so it’s throwing me off.

The biggest concern is that I’ll have many hours without another adult to practice my secret eating on my weakest day of the week, Saturday afternoon.  I had considered switching my weigh-in to Saturday morning, but then I acknowledged that doing that would give me permission to binge as well as confirm my fears that I can’t do it.  It will be hard, but I can do it and I will.  I’m just going to have to make a plan and stick w/it. 

Today, I worked out 2 times.  We had meetings at school so we went in an hour late.  Inservice days generally means going out to lunch and I knew that an early morning workout would help me make healthy lunch choices.  So I was kickin’ it to TJ at 5:00 this morning.  Then, I knew that missing a Friday night workout could set me up for a bad night/weekend of eating so I got in a good 30 minutes on the treadclimber.  I pushed up the intensity so I still burned 678 calories.  It was tough, but I did it.

In addition to setting a goal to be under 245 by Sunday, I want to be under 240 in 2 weeks.  I’m going out to breakfast w/a friend of mine and I would love to be able to say that I have dropped 50 pounds. 

Progress toward workout goal:  68/250

I wish I could wake up and have the excitement and enthusiasm that I had yesterday.  The main thing is we found out that our son had a rotten week at kindergarten, getting in trouble 3 of the 4 days this week.  He punched a kid on Tuesday and headbutted someone at recess.  He also had to be moved to a special chair b/c he was kicking kids while they were trying to work.  His teacher is going to monitor things next week and if they don’t improve then we’ll all get together and have a meeting to try to figure things out.

I have no clue how to feel about this.  Part of me (the main part) is telling me that he’s a good boy and never got in trouble at preschool or daycare and really has never gotten in trouble at kindergarten before this year, so he’s just having a bad week.  We laid down the law, took away some privileges over the weekend and told him our expectations for school.  Another part, the teacher who has heard it all before from parents, worries that this is just the beginning.  I know how teachers talk and I don’t want his name to become a 4-letter word.  I never want teachers to groan when they see his name on their roster, I want them to feel lucky to have him in their class.  I know there are a lot of teachers on this forum as well as many mommies who are more experienced than I am; do all kids have rough weeks at school?  Where do we go from here?

It bothered me enough that I had no desire to workout after school, but I went anyway.  I decided to lift which helped a bit, but I wanted to quit the treadclimber after about 30 minutes.  I muddled through till the end and I’m glad that I did but I didn’t enjoy it.  I don’t like this feeling.

Progress toward workout goal:  67/250

The anniversary dinner was great yesterday and the cake was wonderful.  It was kind of weird being out to dinner at 3:00 in the afternoon, we were definitely the youngest people in the place.  But it was very private and nice just to spend time together.  My hubby also sent me flowers at school (yay) and he had gotten over his hurt feelings, I’m guessing realizing that he does need to be a bit more attentive even though this stressful time.

The reason I titled this entry “I’m actually going to do this” is because it wasn’t an effort at all to go back to healthy eating and exercise today.  Even after dinner yesterday afternoon I decided to keep treating myself b/c I was hungry, so I had a 100 calorie bag of popcorn and some chocolate.  But it wasn’t a compulsive kind of thing where I had to stuff my face b/c the diet resumes tomorrow or the feeling of “well, I’m already over my calorie limit for today so I might as well go crazy”; it was just the fact that I was hungry and some popcorn and chocolate sounded good.  I even ate this food while watching The Biggest Loser and didn’t feel the slightest bit guilty about it.  So today I ate my regular breakfast, packed my regular lunch, and hit the treadclimber for 65 minutes after school. 

My goal for the week is just to lose some weight.  Last week I was at 245.5 so I would like to lose a pound and be below 245, if I do that I’ll be happy.  Considering the fact that I took 2 days off from exercise and had my regular splurge day on Sunday as well as dessert last night I’m not going to freak out of the scale doesn’t comply.

Another reason I think know that I’m going to be successful this time is that I gave myself permission to splurge during dinner, too, and what I really decided that I wanted was grilled lemon chicken breasts w/broccoli and mashed potatoes.  Granted, I normally wouldn’t have eaten the potatoes, but a regular splurge would have been a burger/fries or something equally unhealthy.  My preferences are changing.

This is exciting for me.  Last time I got down to 223 and the eventually back up to 293.  In all fairness, the main reason I gained weight is b/c I got pregnant, but I surely didn’t need to gain that much weight.  And after my son was born I was at 255.  But since there will be no legitimate reason to gain weight this time, I know I will be able to stop myself before things go too far.  I can’t promise that I won’t gain a pound, or two or even ten, but I can guarantee that I won’t gain 25 or 50 or 100 ever again.  I have worked too hard and I deserve to be healthy.

Progress toward workout goal:  66/250