It’s all up to me

I stayed home sick today.  It was one of those days where you don’t feel well but could muddle through if necessary, but then I remembered that the kids are doing research in the computer lab so it would be an easy day for a substitute.  So needless to say I didn’t exercise.  I know, me, taking a day off from exercise.  But what’s even more incredible is that I have stuck to my diet.  This is the first time in I don’t know how long that I have done that.  It’s an empowering feeling.

It’s a feeling that I need to remember b/c I’m not going to exercise tomorrow, either.  It’s our anniversary and since it’s next to impossible to get a sitter due to our son’s medical needs, we’re going out to dinner at 3:00 tomorrow afternoon.  We have nursing until 4:30 and our older son can stay at the day care at his school for an hour or so.  We are going to the place that we went to on our 1st date, I’ll be able to choose a healthy entree.  But I already know that we’re going to split a decadent piece of chocolatey-fudge cake.  I don’t normally like chocolate cake but this stuff is worth every freakin’ bite.

For all of you who are caught up in my hubby-drama, we talked last night.  I won’t say it went well, but at least we talked about it.  He’s hurt that I even considered the fact that he could be cheating; I tried explaining that I really didn’t think that he was but that ON PAPER it could be a viable explanation.  Turns out he’s much more stressed this semester than I realized.  So I am going to try to put my frequent need for reassurance and affection on hold until 2009; if things don’t improve at that point then we’ll revisit the topic.  But I know it took a lot for him to admit that he’s completely overwhelmed and not sure if he can do it all so I’m willing to wait a while longer to get my regular hubby back.  I promise that I’m not settling or putting myself last, it’s just that right now is my time to give and his to take.  If things don’t get more balanced next semester than I’ll voice my opinion, I promise.

I love it when I actually look forward to weighing in on Sunday.  It’s amazing what a little healthy eating and exercise can do, I’m down 2 more pounds to 245.5.  And, this is PMS week so I’m hoping it’s actually a little bit more, I guess we’ll see next week.

Thank you so much for all of the supportive words about what I wrote yesterday.  I was on the verge of bringing things up last night but I just didn’t feel like getting into a big talk.  The time will come b/c like you said Shana, when it’s good it’s really good, we’re just in a rough patch right now.

Today is going to be a casual day.  We have our benefit breakfast this morning and if it doesn’t rain I’m going to cut the grass.  My muscles are screaming from my weights workout yesterday so it should be fun pushing the mower up the many hills in our yard.  Actually, my muscles aren’t screaming, they’re just whimpering a bit.  I honestly love that feeling b/c it reminds me that I did something good for my body.  Then I’m going to attempt to get this house in order; I have a pile of laundry that could give Mt. Everest a run for its money.

8:20

I wish I could have spent every minute outside today.  The weather wasn’t even all that great, honestly pretty cloudy.  But it was just warm enough to wear shorts and a long-sleeved t-shirt.  I string trimmed and cut the grass and the yard looks great.  I know there will only be a few more times to cut the grass before the snow flies and I’m trying to cherish being outside as much as possible.  Word is we’re supposed to have an equally bad winter this year and I can’t even begin to think about that.

My muscles are beginning to whimper a bit more loudly, I think I’ll be in pretty bad shape tomorrow.  But it’s back on track so I will lift if I’m not too sore and hit the treadclimber.

Progress toward workout goal:  65/250

I read an article yesterday that made me happy and sad all at the same time.  It was a research study that was all about marriage.  Some positive things were than many, many couples (something around 80%) were staying together b/c they were happy and truly loved each other.  But the stat that struck me was that about 40% or so of the couples have sex less than once a month.  Sadly, that’s where we are.  For those of you who have been w/me for a while you know that this is a regular issue w/i my marriage and I’m sad to say it’s back.

Like I say, the study made me feel better b/c here I was, thinking that everyone else but us was having sex all of the time.  But it makes me sad to know that so many people are living w/o this part of their lives.  After the last time that this problem reared it’s ugly head I spoke w/my hubby about the lack of our sex life.  I told him that I realized that we face challenges that ordinary couples don’t have to face but that we either have to decide to accept our reality and find ways to incorporate affection or let it win.  I told him that even more important than actual sex to me was to have him just touch me more often; a hug here, a squeeze there.  Something that lets me know that he’s still attracted to me.

Well, that worked for about a day.  I am tired of being rejected so I have quit asking.  I’m kind of doing a little experiment to see how long we go if I don’t initiate things.  I know this is childish and unhealthy, but my ego can’t handle having my hubby turn me down for sex.  When the next big conversation happens about this, I will ask him if he’s having an affair or if he’s gay, although I would bet my life that the answers to both questions will be “no”.  I think the main culprit is that he is tired for legitimate reasons, but also the fact that he eats like crap and doesn’t exercise so he doesn’t have enough energy at the end of the day.  He’d rather sit on the couch and watch baseball or the news.

Another issue that I am finally willing to admit is that I worry if that continue this lifestyle that I won’t remain faithful.  There, I said it.  I love him more than anyone and I know that he loves me, but he doesn’t make me FEEL loved.  Even at my heaviest I never had problem getting male attention and as I lose more weight I’m getting it more often.  I truly am afraid that as I get further in this process that I will make a bad choice.  I’m also afraid that admitting this fear will make me more likely to sabotage myself.  And although I have considered sharing this info w/him, I don’t think it’s the right way to go and may make him more likely to sabotage me.

AAARGH, too much for 4:30 on a Saturday morning.  Sorry for the recap of the sad state of my lovelife, I’ll post more later after I have worked out.

12:30

I love how I feel after a great workout and I have to say that I kicked my own ass today.  I only was able to lift 2x at the gym this week so I did Hi-Def Sculpt from my FIRM series and used 12 pound weights.  I know I’m going to feel it tomorrow.  Then, just to add a bit of cardio, I did the 20 minute TJ workout.

I also decided to continue my quest for perfect today.  Last night I was really wavering and felt like throwing in the towel.  I was almost ready to suggest that I needed to run errands just so I could go to the store and buy this gourmet chocolate chip cookie that I LOVE.  I decided against it but promised myself that if I still wanted it today that I could have it.  Now that I’m this close to my Sunday weigh-in I don’t want it.  I don’t want to get too cocky, though, b/c this was about the time last week when my resolve crumbled and I pounded snack after snack.

Progress toward workout goal:  64/250

I hate it when I write a great posting and then get an error message when I try to post.  Oh well, I’ll do the condensed version the 2nd time around.

I’m wiped today and I fear that I’m overdoing it.  But the compulsive freak in me is afraid to scale things back.  A month or so ago I would have been thrilled to burn 600 calories during a workout but now that I’m using the treadclimber and regularly buring more than 1000 calories a day it’s hard to “settle” for anything less.  The reason I think I’m overdoing it is b/c I was honestly afraid I was going to pass out during my workout tonight.  Since my intensity was so high yesterday I decided to lower the intensity and increase the duration, so I set the machine for a steady 3.5 mph for 70 minutes.  About halfway through I had to drop it to 3.3.  And luckily, I had a little bag of almonds in my bag so I munched on those on the way home.

I wonder, though, how much of it was mental.  I was playing on a website today that calculated my daily caloric needs and in order to maintain my weight I need to eat over 3100 calories.  Considering the fact that I eat about 1500 and burn about 1000 during workouts my body might be revolting.  But being the control freak that I am, I’m afraid to loosen the strings even a little bit b/c I’m afraid that I can’t simply add an extra 250 calories to fuel my body.  HELP!!!  I also know that taking a day off from exercise might be good for me but I tend to spiral out of control when that happens. 

Progress toward workout goal:  63/250

My normal routine is that I’m on plan Mon-Sat and then allow myself some freedom on Sunday.  As the weeks have gone on, the damage I do to myself on Sunday seems to be increasing.  This week I decided to weigh myself on Monday to see the results and I gained 2 pounds overnight.  Granted, I realize that I didn’t really add 7000 calories, a lot of it was based on PMS and eating lots of salty food, but it took me until today to get below the 247.5 from Sunday.  So it got me wondering, how much more progress could I be making if I cut back on what I allowed myself to eat?  I know myself well enough to know that I can’t take away Sunday completely, but I also know that I can’t turn it into a 24-hour binge-fest.

So here’s what I’m considering.  I truly love the breakfast I eat on a daily basis so I will stick w/that as well as my lunch.  I will let myself have a free snack, supper and dessert.  I figure at most I’ll add 1000 extra calories and I burn that off in one workout.  Of course, I’m going to start the plan the 1st Sunday in October b/c on Sunday we are going to a benefit breakfast and I’m not willing to walk away from the pancakes.

Today I also realized that I’m on track for a perfect week.  Kind of like a major league pitcher who’s close to a perfect game, I didn’t want to do anything to jinx myself and say it outloud, but I figured since I’m this close that I can hang in there for 2 more days.  I also kicked the workout up a notch today, alternating intervals from 3.5 to 4.0 mph and when the machine went to 4.0 the treadles increased to max.  For the first time I thought the machine was going to beat me.  But I hung in there and in 52 minutes I burned over 1100 calories.  Plus, I lifted weights beforehand so I’m pleased w/my workout.

Progress toward workout goal:  62/250

I have finally hit that point where exercise is something that I choose, it’s just something that I do.  Every day when the kids leave I take my gym bag to the bathroom and change into my clothes.  The gym is on my way hope and my van seems to steer itself into the parking lot.  I’m so pleased.  I have always liked to exercise but I know that there were times where I debated on if I would do it.  Now it’s just a part of my life.  I do have to be careful that I don’t become compulsive about it, maybe it’s already too late.  But beyond the worry that not exercising will lead to poor food choices, I get grouchy when I miss a workout.  I know it does good things for my body but I love it the most for what it does for my mind.  It’s the only time in my day where I can not be responsible to anyone.  I just watch tv and put one foot in front of the other.

I keep trying to lay the groundwork to get my hubby moving.  He’s taking a PE class right now and yesterday the college football coach was their teacher and worked them pretty hard.  He’s got sore legs today but you can tell he’s proud to have them b/c he pushed himself.  Have any of you been successful at getting your hubby or another important person in your life to start exercising and eating better?  I worry so much about him b/c he just turned 40, has chewed tobacco since he was 17, is probably 75 pounds overweight and eats like crap.  He drives me crazy sometimes but I couldn’t imagine living my life w/o him.  And sadly, if things don’t change, I know that I’ll be a young widow.

Progress toward workout goal:  61/250

I have set out some long-term goals, and I know I’ll be more successful if I record them here. My main focus will still be my exercise goal but I know that having weight goals will help me stay focused w/my eating.

Current weight: 247.5

12/31/08         225

3/31/09           200

6/30/09           175

9/30/09           150 (this happens to be my anniversary, what a great celebration that would be to hit my goal weight by my anniversary)

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Also, regarding the pretzel from yesterday, I just want to let everyone know that it was a whole-wheat pretzel. Still not the healthiest option, but better than the ones you get at the mall.

Tonight I’m going to skip the gym b/c my son’s open house at school is tonight and I don’t want to have to shower before we go. But I am going to do a pilates/yoga DVD and then play w/my son. I’ll post more after I do the workout. Oh, I’m also proud to say that I resisted the pie!!!!! If my hubby doesn’t eat the rest today I’m throwing it in the garbage

8:00

I did the pilates/yoga DVD and then took my son to a football and volleyball game at our school.  It was fun to spend time w/him, but of course he got mad when we had to leave and hauled off and hit me.  Nice.  Nothing is more fun than being assaulted by your child in front of your students

On a good front we found out our son is well ahead of his grade in reading.  We had open house tonight and his teacher pulled me aside and asked if it was ok to test him for reading.  Even though I know he reads well, I still panicked b/c I was afraid that he was lacking somehow.  But she said that he is not going to learn anything new being w/her for reading and she would like him to stay challenged.  I’m so glad he loves school, it’s one less obstacle to fight.

The pie was gone and I also resisted cookies at the open house.  I know this rock-solid willpower is going to go away sometime, but I’m going to enjoy it while it lasts.

Progress toward workout goal:  60/250

My oldest sister talked to the one in the danger and we have decided to continue to play the good-cop/bad-cop thing.  My mom agreed to let my sister and I kind of handle everything and she will be there for support if/when she is needed.  That was a huge obstacle, now we’ll just have to see if she follows through.

Thanks for all of the support on this issue.  Fortunately, when I’m in the middle of stress I actually lose my appetite so I haven’t been tempted w/eating away the stress, but I know the moment will come.  Actually, I’m having an inner debate w/myself right now over pie.  Yesterday we got a pie (we have dessert on Sundays) and it’s staring at me from the fridge.  I kicked butt at the gym so I know a tiny sliver won’t be a huge deal, but I worry that it will start me down the road to a binge, so I am declaring right here, right now, that I am NOT going to eat the pie.  And this is after I resisted my favorite lunch at school, pretzel w/cheese.  Normally it’s not hard for me to resist this, but I had cafeteria duty today and had to watch pretzel after pretzel zoom by me on the kids’ trays.  Pure torture, I assure you.

I tried a different workout on the treadclimber and I liked it.  It varied the speed and max/min treadles and it was tough.  I’m definitely going to do it again, in 50 minutes I burned 1049 calories and I lifted weights for 20 minutes.

Progress toward workout goal:  59/250

Who’s the dumbass who does a great job all week and then overeats the day BEFORE she’s going to weight in????  It’s me, it’s me!  What was I thinking?  I was cruising along just fine yesterday and then it was time for my afternoon snack.  I was hungry for cheese and crackers but didn’t think we had the cheese I liked so I settled for apples and peanut butter.  Then I found the cheese in the fridge, after I had downed several Tootsie Rolls dipped in peanut butter.  I don’t even like Tootsie Rolls.  Anyway, I then ate the rest of the cheese and crackers.  To try to counteract things, I decided to cut the grass last night instead of today, hoping to burn a few extra calories.

So this morning I was at 247.5 which is a 1 pound loss from last week.  Based on my behavior yesterday and Thursday night (4-100 calorie size Kudos bars) I’m pretty happy w/any loss.  Plus, I’m getting close to TOM so I’m inching up on the water weight gain. 

So far this morning I have done 35 minutes of Pilates.  I need to do this more often, I forget how much it works your muscles.

Now I’m just waiting to hear from my oldest sister about her conversation w/another sister (see yesterday’s blog if you don’t know what I’m talking about and want to know).  I plead to all of you w/children, please raise your sons so that they don’t think it’s ok to threaten and intimidate others, and raise your daughters so that they have enough confidence in themselves to leave a dangerous situation and never look back.

Progress toward workout goal:  58/250

I have calmed down a bit over night but I’m sure the anger is going to rise up again.  My sister called last night, she’s the member of our family who attracts bad things.  I can’t remember if I wrote about this 2 weeks ago or not, but here’s the quick recap:

She found yet another crappy boyfriend and allowed him to move in w/her and her kids.  He, apparently, had been threatening to kill her for about 6 weeks, but he finally crossed the line and threatened to kill her AND the kids in front of the kids.  We helped her through the process of going to the police and sadly found out that they couldn’t do a whole lot until she evicted him, which would take 30 days.

Fast forward to last night.  She calls about something else and then mentioned his name.  I figured that there was no way she was still w/him (every time I have called and asked how things were going she would say “really good”) but she acknowledged that she’s back w/him.  I was dumbfounded.  For about 20 seconds I didn’t say anything b/c I was truly in disbelief.  Even though my sister is extremely intelligent she’s one of those people who make dumb choices, but it never even occurred to me that she would be this stupid.  She said she couldn’t fill me in on the details b/c there were “ears” around (I assumed she was talking about her kids but the more I think about it I wonder if he was right there) but that she’d call back when we could talk freely.  She said that it would be ok b/c he had gone to church and church can do amazing things.  I replied that prisons are full of men who have found Jesus.  Before we hung up I spoke up and told her that she can’t make these decisions anymore only considering what she wants to do, she has kids to think about.  And that I couldn’t imagine what a guy could say to apologize when he had threatened the lives of my kids AND MY KIDS HEARD HIM DO IT!!!!  What message is she sending her daughter about how guys can treat her?  And what is she teaching her son about how to treat women?

Man, I”m getting pissed again.  Mostly b/c there’s not a whole lot I can do.  Calling my parents won’t be helpful, at least right now, b/c she doesn’t listen to what my parents say.  Plus, the boyfriend is black, and my parents are not the most tolerant people you have ever met.  So I called another sister, who is a bit more levelheaded, and we’re going to think of a plan of attack.  Sadly, I teach w/a guy who’s SIL was murdered by her husband.  Now his wife is very involved in domestic abuse-type situations so she may have some suggestions. 

I can tell, though, that all of this anger is going to lead to a kick-ass TJ session later today.  Every time I punch, kick and jab I’m going to be seeing my sister’s face.  Maybe I can punch the stupidity right out of her.  I’ll post more after my workout.

1:00~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I called my sister b/c I figured out why I was so angry.  Basically what I told her was that she is so lucky to have 3 healthy kids and I have a son who is going to die no matter what I do.  I told her that if there was anything that I could do to save my son’s life that I would do it in a heartbeat, and here she is placing her kids’ lives in jeopardy.  Even if he doesn’t ever do anything, she is showing her kids how men and women should interact; with fear, domination and intimidation.  I asked her to explain to me what he could have said to allow her to risk all of their lives and she wasn’t able to answer.  I then called my other sister, who is going to call this one tomorrow to see if what I said sunk in at all.  Then we’re going to figure out what to do from here.

But as I predicted, my anger helped fuel my workout.  Every kick, punch and jam was loaded w/feeling and I felt much better afterwards.  Wiped, but better.

Progress toward workout goal:  57/250