It’s all up to me

Why don’t you lose weight as quickly as you gain it?  Although I shouldn’t have been surprised since I have been eating like a linebacker and exercising once all week, I’m back up to 263.5.  But maybe this is good, it reminds me that turtle pie is NOT on my approved foods list.  Especially 2 pieces of turtle pie.

So I did some deep thinking over the weekend.  I really wanted to figure out why I felt so out of control.  Granted, I had PMS but this was bigger than that.  Finally, I had an epiphany.  First of all, my son having 5 seizures in 2 days didn’t help.  Then, we have a checkup with some of his speciality doctors tomorrow and although I look forward to these because it’s comforting to have them look him over and tell us that things are going fairly well I think I realized that I’m scared to go in case they tell us something else.  Last year when we went we thought everything was going really well and they told us that he needed to have the feeding tube put in.  And since things haven’t been going as well lately I think I’m scared of what we’re going to hear.  We are constantly worried that any setbacks are a sign of the disease progressing and I’m not ready to deal with that.

Another reason I think I’m all over the place is that I also have an appt with my gyno in the morning to discuss a tubal ligation.  My hubby had a vasectomy in 2006 but we had a pregnancy scare a couple of months ago and we want to make sure that we don’t get pregnant again.  If we had another child there would be a 1 in 4 chance that the baby would be sick and that’s too big of a chance to take.  Plus, we need so much help as it is raising these 2 boys, I have no idea what another baby would do to us.  But even though I know that LOGICALLY, emotionally I know it’s hard to realize I’m never going to have another baby.  If Kyle was healthy we wouldn’t even consider it b/c I’m 34 and my hubby is 39 with another year of college before graduation.  But, being totally honest, I worry that I’ll have the surgery this summer and then he’ll die a month later.  But I need to remember that this appt. tomorrow is just a consultation and that if we (meaning I) change our minds that I don’t have to have the surgery.

So here’s the plan.  I need to start back on track NOW and not wait for school to get out.  I think that has been another reason I have fallen off track; since I am going to have quite a bit of time to workout over the summer I’m slacking now.  I still don’t have my summer plan fully worked out but I do know that on the days my older son is occupied I’m going to hit a walking trail by our house that’s just under 4 miles.  There’s a good hill so it should get me moving in the right direction.  Also, until school is out, I’m just going to bring workout clothes to school and stop by the trail on the way home.  I had planned on working out at home but our nurse is a talker and by the time I get home, get changed and talk with her for a bit I have used up 30 of my 60 minutes.  So now I just have to hope that it doesn’t rain after school.