It’s all up to me

I’m really struggling right now and not winning the battle.  I just slammed a yummy burger from Culver’s and a ton of fries.  Lately I have just really been struggling with food.  It has been a very rough week at school.  It’s a long story but a student made a specific death threat against me and another student last week out of anger and today she brought a knife to school.  I still truly don’t feel that I was ever in any danger but it’s something I never expected to be facing.  It’s just sad that kids who are 14 years old are that angry and that emotionally messed up.  Anyway, I think it’s finally hitting me and adding to it the fact that we have just a few days of school left (translation…kids and teachers are freakin’ nuts) I’m ready to be done.

We also have another graduation party this weekend and we just had my son fitted for a wheelchair today.  I know we need to do it but it’s one more step toward acknowledging that he’s sick and not going to get better.  I guess I have just been pretending he’s just a baby these past years because it’s like having a permanent 3 month old. 

So even though I know that it’s legit if I’m not focused on my diet right now I’m worried that I’m using this stuff as an excuse.  Starting next Thursday I’m off and plan to honestly spend 1 1/2-2 hours every day working out.  I know I will make a lot of progress at that point but I don’t want to put on 5-8 pounds this week (that’s not out of the question) if I take a break.  I would love to say that I could just eat things in moderation but if I could do that I wouldn’t be trying to lose over 100 pounds.

So I don’t know what I’m going to do.  Luckily I like fruits/veggies so I’ll try to eat those as well as turkey sandwiches, cottage cheese, yogurt, etc.  I’ll try that for a day or 2 and see how that goes.

I feel like such a dumbass sometimes but I’m trying to not let it do any more damage.  Yesterday, things went well at school as they generally do.  I got home and changed into workout clothes right away and got in my 3 miles.  Then supper came.  I’m getting sick of my frozen meals (I need to hit the store and see the variety for myself, as it is my hubby has to pick them up for me) and we had bbq leftover.  I can be flexible with what I eat as long as I watch calories so I decided to have a bbq pork sandwich instead of a frozen meal.  I assumed that the sandwich probably had about 300 calories, like the meals I eat, so no big deal.  Well, it wasn’t a big deal until I had 2 sandwiches…oh yeah, and some of the mac and cheese my hubby made.  And then later I ate about 6-7 of the candy orange slices.  I don’t even really like those candies, I just wanted them.

I know in the big picture I didn’t do too much damage but I still can’t figure out why a reasonably intelligent person like myself can’t figure this out.  So to overcome this I’m going to work on new goals.  I still have my 250 goal by the end of the school year (next Tuesday) but I know I’m going to miss that one.  I would like to start the school year out at 225 and with all of the workout time I’m going to have I think that’s doable.  I’m going to throw a middle goal in there for our family reunion in July, I just haven’t decided on a number yet.  When I figure it out I’ll post it on here, that seems to hold me more accountable.

OK, I have finally found one bad thing about losing weight…I can’t wear my favorite pants.  Actually, I am wearing them today but they are obviously too big.  Great news, I know, but you can’t comprehend how much I love them.  They are the best material and they hang perfectly.  I know that I need to pack them away but I had to wear them one more time.  There are only 6 days of school left (HOORAY) so today will be the ceremonial send-off.  I’ll have to check the brand and be on the lookout for another pair.

On a different note I am so sore today.  I got back into lifting yesterday and learned firsthand what happens when you take time away from lifting weights.  I only used 10 pounders b/c I couldn’t find my 12 and my legs/butt are killing me today.  But it’s a good reminder of what I’m doing for my body.

Had a blast yesterday.  My hubby watched the baby so my older son and I could go to the pool.  My son kept asking me if we could go so I told him that if Dad would watch Kyle that we could.  I knew by the “yippee” from the basement that we were set.  We spent 2 hours in the sunshine and it was nice because not too many people were at the pool.  I know we’ll be able to go a couple of times a week during the summer and I can’t wait.

I didn’t do too badly yesterday at the graduation party.  I had some bbq pork without the bun, a slide of veggie pizza, a small scoop of cheezy potatoes, a strawberry/whipped topping salad and a piece of cake (of course).  Obviously more calories than a typical meal, possibly even a typical day, but I enjoyed every bite without guilt and even without feeling like I was going to go out of control and eat everything in sight.  You know, the way we’re supposed to eat all of the time??  I still don’t feel strong enough to do that on a daily basis but it’s nice to know that when I need to that I can enjoy myself without going crazy.

But today we’re back at home and I’m going to get back on track.  My hubby just got up so I’m going to eat a little breakfast and then workout later. 

I didn’t stick to my plan 100% (did get in a workout but ended the night with cake/ice cream) but I keep reminding myself that in the big picture the extra calories will only add an extra 1/2 pound, if that.  Anyway, at my weigh in this morning I was at 259.5!!  I love being in a new decade. Granted, I was at 257 about 2 weeks ago but that was after strep throat and the stomach flu so I didn’t really earn that.

So far today has been good.  I have had my typical breakfast and it’s just about lunch time.  We’ll be heading to the grad. party later and I’m going to eat what I want, but I have to REALLY want it.    I’ll write tomorrow what I ended up eating.

I know myself too well so if I don’t make a plan for the weekend, especially since it’s a 3 day weekend, I can only imagine the damage that I’ll do. 

So here’s the plan.  Today I will follow my general goals.  I have already eaten my breakfast of approx. 400 calories (cereal, 2 hb eggs and yogurt).  I will eat every 3 hours and I will be cutting the grass.  If possible I want to fit in a workout but that will be a bonus, not something that I will feel like I failed if I don’t accomplish.

Tomorrow I’m going to exercise when I get up and follow my food plan for the morning.  In the afternoon/evening we have a graduation party and I’m going to make my food choices based on what my body wants.  I know I will have cake, especially if it’s white cake with the good frosting.  If it’s anything else I’ll have to decide if it’s worth it.  There’s generally fruit and veggies available at these things so I’ll eat as healthy as I can.

Part of my feeling relaxed about food right now has to do with the fact that I realized I am not going to make my 250 goal by the end of the school year.  I have basically 2 more weighins until then and last Sunday I was 264.  But I was reading my sister’s blog on sparkpeople and someone commented to her (when she missed her 40th birthday goal by 3 pounds) that it’s not like the 37 pounds that she has lost are going to instantly be applied to her butt just because she didn’t meet some arbitrary goal.  I’m trying to remember that.  I definitely need goals to keep me motivated but even if I don’t meet them I need to focus on what I have accomplished.  The other day I was at the doctor and my blood pressure was 118/72.  I have never had fully blown high bp but it used to hover around the 135/85 range.  So even thought I’m still morbidly obese my health has improved.  As the summer goes on and I am exercising all of the time I know this will only improve.  I need to remember that even though it’s great to be thinner, ultimately what’s important is that I’m healthier.

This will probably be a short post because I have a meeting in about 3 minutes but I wanted to write this before the day got too busy.

Last night my hubby had a class so it was just me and the 2 boys. The boys had haircuts later in the evening so we had a lot to do in the 2 hours or so between the time we got home and the time we had to leave again.  I was feeding Kyle and my older son, who is all of 5 years old, told me to relax and that he would take care of getting supper ready.  Whenever it’s just me and the boys I tell Justin that it’s our date night so he said since it’s our date that he would take care of everything and that I could enjoy a night away from the kitchen.  This put everything into perspective.  It has been a hellish week at school dealing with other peoples’ children but his sweetness made me realize that I need to let go of the few yahoos that I have to deal with at school because they go home and call someone else “Mom”.  Most of the kids are good, anyway, and the ones that aren’t are no longer my problem in 7 days.

Anyway, after his sweetness I almost literally felt the rush of stress and anger that has been pent up inside of me for the last few days leave my body.  I don’t know how long this feeling will last, but I’m going to try to remember it throughout today so that if one of the kids here at school is an idiot that I can get through it without letting it bother me.

Once again I am overwhelmed with all of the support this forum provides.  I do know that I’m too hard on myself but I haven’t figured out yet how to strike the balance between going easy and giving up.  Yesterday was pretty good so now I need to focus on today.  Life is still crazy busy so I won’t get to exercise today, either, but I’ll focus on making good food choices.

<> Men are funny.  My hubby is taking a 2 day class called “Relaxation”.   It’s for his PE credit and I’m guessing it’s going to incorporate yoga, breathing, progressive muscle tension, etc.  I would KILL to take this class and he’s grouching about it.  He’s just as tired as I am and needs to relax as much but I think men are more self-conscious about that type of stuff.  Plus,  he’s 39 and most of the other kids are around 20.  I’ll be interested to see what he actually does.

I’m still working on my summer workout plan.  I still have shinsplints from my outside walk on Monday so I think I’m going to  have to get back to the treadmill.  I’m also thinking about buying a Walk Away the Pounds DVD to break up the monotony.  Has anyone used any of the 4 or 5 mile walks?  I have done the 3 mile one and found it to be boring, plus she drives me crazy.  But I figure I can handle it once a week or so.

When I get my new plan figured out I’ll let you all know.

I’m at one of those low points where even though I know what I should be doing, the pull of the food is greater than my desire to change.  Why don’t I want it bad enough?  Not only do I want to look better, I know that I feel better when I eat right and exercise.  The last few mornings I have woken up with awful headaches and since I have had enough experiences lately with eating crappy food one day and having a headache the next I know that the one is causing the other.  And it’s not like this is unconscious eating, it is fully planned.  I suppose I should take that as a positive, that I’m not mindlessly shoving food into my mouth.  But right now I’m just discouraged b/c I see myself getting further and further away from my goal.

So I think I’m going to have to go back to square one and be completely strict.  Sorry, hubby, but all junk food is going to have to be removed.  I am a freakin’ bloodhound when I’m on the search for chocolate.  Two days ago I came home and he had “hidden” chocolate bars in the freezer (where he ALWAYS puts them).  After I ate half of one he moved them, and did a pretty good job.  But since I know he likes his candy frozen, it only took about 2 minutes of searching and I found them again.  Now the other half is gone and I doubt he even knows it yet.  He’s one of those frustrating people who can have candy in the freezer for weeks and not touch it.  Sadly, I even considered eating the whole other candy bar last night to teach him a lesson (is that stupid or what???) but if he doesn’t notice it’s gone for a month I doubt it would work.

So I guess I need to go back to my title, it’s all up to me.  I have to be the one to make this happen and quit blaming others.  And to do that I have to decide that I really want it.  To be honest, I don’t know if I’m there yet, at least with the food.  So I’m going to focus on the exercise and do the best I can with food.  It’s not where I want to be but it’s better than nothing.  If anyone has any suggestions please let me know.

Why don’t you lose weight as quickly as you gain it?  Although I shouldn’t have been surprised since I have been eating like a linebacker and exercising once all week, I’m back up to 263.5.  But maybe this is good, it reminds me that turtle pie is NOT on my approved foods list.  Especially 2 pieces of turtle pie.

So I did some deep thinking over the weekend.  I really wanted to figure out why I felt so out of control.  Granted, I had PMS but this was bigger than that.  Finally, I had an epiphany.  First of all, my son having 5 seizures in 2 days didn’t help.  Then, we have a checkup with some of his speciality doctors tomorrow and although I look forward to these because it’s comforting to have them look him over and tell us that things are going fairly well I think I realized that I’m scared to go in case they tell us something else.  Last year when we went we thought everything was going really well and they told us that he needed to have the feeding tube put in.  And since things haven’t been going as well lately I think I’m scared of what we’re going to hear.  We are constantly worried that any setbacks are a sign of the disease progressing and I’m not ready to deal with that.

Another reason I think I’m all over the place is that I also have an appt with my gyno in the morning to discuss a tubal ligation.  My hubby had a vasectomy in 2006 but we had a pregnancy scare a couple of months ago and we want to make sure that we don’t get pregnant again.  If we had another child there would be a 1 in 4 chance that the baby would be sick and that’s too big of a chance to take.  Plus, we need so much help as it is raising these 2 boys, I have no idea what another baby would do to us.  But even though I know that LOGICALLY, emotionally I know it’s hard to realize I’m never going to have another baby.  If Kyle was healthy we wouldn’t even consider it b/c I’m 34 and my hubby is 39 with another year of college before graduation.  But, being totally honest, I worry that I’ll have the surgery this summer and then he’ll die a month later.  But I need to remember that this appt. tomorrow is just a consultation and that if we (meaning I) change our minds that I don’t have to have the surgery.

So here’s the plan.  I need to start back on track NOW and not wait for school to get out.  I think that has been another reason I have fallen off track; since I am going to have quite a bit of time to workout over the summer I’m slacking now.  I still don’t have my summer plan fully worked out but I do know that on the days my older son is occupied I’m going to hit a walking trail by our house that’s just under 4 miles.  There’s a good hill so it should get me moving in the right direction.  Also, until school is out, I’m just going to bring workout clothes to school and stop by the trail on the way home.  I had planned on working out at home but our nurse is a talker and by the time I get home, get changed and talk with her for a bit I have used up 30 of my 60 minutes.  So now I just have to hope that it doesn’t rain after school.