It’s all up to me

I think this week is going to be one where I’m constantly on the go.  Last night was busy with trying to clean up from the weekend and then tonight I have open house at school.  My hubby was already not thrilled with having to take care of Kyle by himself since we can predict it’s going to be a couple of hours of crying, but then Kyle was up for about 3 hours last night so everyone’s tired.  Nothing I can do but I feel bad.  Tomorrow I have a meeting after school that lasts until 4:30 so I won’t be able to workout and then Thursday I think might be normal.  Friday we’re leaving for my parents’  and then we get to go away for the weekend!!!  Today I need to find us a hotel so lots to do.  I don’t know how many of your posts I’ll be able to read but I promise I’ll fit some in when I can.  Hope everyone is having a good week and making healthy choices.

<>I won’t be able to write much because I’m still trying to catch my breath from the weekend but I just wanted to let everyone know that I’m still here.  Overdid it yesterday at Kyle’s b-day party but that’s over so I’m focused and energized again.  I am going to have to weigh in on Friday this week because we’re going out of town again this weekend so I’m really going to need to step it up a notch to lose weight this week since I’m sure I gained a pound or so over the weekend.  But it’s a challenge I’m ready to face.   Write more later.

Another busy weekend.  Kyle needed blood work done this morning (it had to be repeated because some of his results from earlier this week were strange).  Then my older son had a cooking class and then I had a million errands to run.  One thing I did was pick up a new dress for the shawl ceremony tomorrow at church.  I do have to say I look fabulous. 

I weighed in this morning since we’re leaving tonight for my parent’s and I won’t have my scale.  I was down to 266.5, another 2 pounds.  Considering I was only able to workout 2 days I’m pretty happy with that.

I decided to wear my smaller jeans today.  I had been holding off because of a muffin-top issue.  But to my surprise, when I pulled up the zipper (easily, I might add) the muffin top is nearly gone.  The shirt I’m wearing camouflages any roll so I have to say that I’m looking pretty good today.  Other people have to be noticing, I’m just a little frustrated that nobody has said anything.

I finally had the talk last night with my hubby.  We were on edge with each other last night and I purposefully didn’t say “I love you” when he tucked me in last night.  I know, we’re lame, but if I don’t get to bed before he does I can’t fall asleep because of his snoring.  Anyway, I had also not said anything the night before to see if he would initiate and it was silent.  So I went back out to the living room and asked him if he knew why we were feeling so disconnected.  Again, the deer in the headlights look but it was obvious that he felt it, too.  So I laid everything on the line…my feelings of rejection, being frustrated because I have to initiate everything, feeling like we’re roommates instead of husband/wife.  He acknowledged that things haven’t been good lately but said it was due to all of the stress we’re under.  I agreed that our situation obviously makes our life more difficult but that we had been dealing with some of these issues even before the boys were born.  I told him that I just want to make sure that we don’t become ships that pass in the night and that we don’t grow apart because it would be very easy to do with all that we have to deal with and he agreed.  He asked me how we could fix it and I told him that I need him to show me more affection more often.  Just little things like a squeeze when he walks by or pulling my hair up and kissing the back of my neck.  Tell me “I love you” other times than when I’m leaving for school or going to bed.  Those little things are way more important than sex, although that’s important, too.  We also decided that if it’s possible, when we have this waiver thing figured out that we’re going to go away once a month even if it’s just to a hotel in town.  Just something to focus on us.

I also asked him to be more vocal if he feels that something isn’t right.  We both have a tendency to avoid conflict so feelings can be bottled up for months without expressing them which leads to problems.  I feel much better today.

I think my 5 year-old son just broke my heart.  On Wednesday nights my hubby has class so it’s just me and the boys.  I have really started to look forward to them because they usually tend to be fun, easy nights.  My hubby is a great dad but he has problems with picking his battles so he and our son generally end up in a battle of wills sometime during the evening.  Tonight we were able to have our “date” and play police officer, all that stuff.  Anyway, we were talking about when it’s important to call the police and Justin mentioned something about when someone is dying.  Then he went on to say that the police might want to say good-bye to Kyle when he’s dying and he started to tear up.  Then he said that Kyle could die tomorrow.  How do you answer that???  I told him that yes, he could die tomorrow but that hopefully we will have Kyle for a very long time.  I asked him if he thought about his brother dying a lot and he said “Every time I look at him.”  I honestly think I felt my heart break.  So I explained that it’s ok to be sad about it because I get sad, too.  Then I asked him if he ever smiles when he thinks of his brother and just as quickly he got a huge smile on his face and started telling me about all of the fun times he has had with his brother. 

This is nothing a 5 year-old child should have to worry about.  Life just sucks sometimes.

Crazy afternoon yesterday and crazy morning today.  But hopefully life should settle back into “normal” today.  So I haven’t worked out since Sunday but I have stayed on my eating plan.  I will do my 40 minute FIRM DVD today to get me back on track.

<> For those of you who watch the Biggest Loser I want to comment on last night’s episode.  It was so nice to see a group of people who were supporting each other and working together.  I was amazed that Mark waited for Ali at the top of the stairs.  He has really grown as a person, it’s nice to see that people can change.  And when the 2 brothers were up for nomination together I was bawling right along with them.  They have been so selfless and devoted to each other.  This is the first season in a long time (honestly, I think ever) where I would be happy if any of the remaining contestants won.  They are all deserving.

I’m starting to feel like I’m getting skinnier but I’m getting frustrated because nobody has said anything.  I know I need to do it for me and because it’s healthy for my body but it’s nice to hear compliments from others.  To keep myself motivated I think I’m going to hire a personal trainer to come to our home and devise a workout schedule for me.  A friend of mine did this and the woman will work with the existing equipment that you have and create a plan and then you check back every 2 weeks or month.  It will keep me accountable and this way I know I’m being the most efficient and effective in my workouts.  I plan to give her a call by the end of the week.

I don’t think I’m going to be able to do Turbo Jam anymore, at least for a while.  My right shoulder is injured (amazingly from taking care of my son) and there are so many punches and jabs that I’m in agony.  I did the workout last Friday and Sunday and it’s now Tuesday morning and I’m still in total agony.  When I lift weights, though, it makes my shoulder feel better.  So I’m going to have to go back to the FIRM, Total Gym, etc.  I still like those other workouts, I just loved using Turbo Jam.  If my shoulder is still causing me problems this summer I’m going to go to the doctor to see if there is more damage than I realize.

We found out last night that very soon we will be able to receive respite to help us out when taking care of our son.  I would guess in the next few weeks this will go into effect.  I can’t wait!!  Then, when he’s not sleeping we can have someone come to our house overnight to stay up with him.  Or if we want to take our older son out or even go on a date ourselves!!!  Hooray, we have been waiting for 17 months for this and it is almost here!!!!