It’s all up to me

I feel like such a dork but my legs are still killing me from my personal training session on Thursday.  I’m fine when I walk or go up stairs, but if I have to go down stairs I think I could easily be beaten by an 85 year-old woman.  I’m really worried that I might have to cancel my session on Monday.  I was able to get in 30 minutes on the treadmill yesterday and I’ll walk again tomorrow but definitely no lunges.

This is the first weekend in a while that we have been home and it’s nice to just do normal stuff.  I didn’t get in a workout today because we spent our morning at the doctor but I’m being really careful about my food.  My son has had 4 seizures since Wednesday, 3 of them being yesterday.  The pediatrician upped his seizure medication until we can talk with our neurologist on Monday so hopefully that will take care of things for a while.  Regardless, I’m taking it as a huge personal victory that I’m not using this as an excuse to eat.  I’m not going to break my arm patting myself on the back quite yet but so far I’m feeling strong.

I have my official weigh-in tomorrow and I’m a little worried.  Last week I was 264.0 so to be able to tan this week I have to be at least 263.5.  I checked this morning and I was at 266 which was kind of a surprise but I’m PMSing right now so I’m retaining water.  So even if I don’t meet my goal this week (which will totally suck) I assume I’ll have a big loss next week.  I have 7 weeks to go until the end of the school year, which the date I set to be under 250.  I will do it.

I met with my personal trainer yesterday and realized that in some ways I’m in better shape than I thought I was and that I’m way worse in other ways.  She started out teaching me how to do lunges and I thought “Duh, I do lunges all the time.”  Actually, I do lunges holding 2-12 pound weights and often wearing a 15 pound weighted vest.  We did them with just body weight and I can barely walk today.    My form had been a tiny bit off (I wasn’t keeping my posture upright) and I guess that was enough to make a difference.

I also was able to play on a treadclimber.  I have always seen the infomercials but had heard conflicting reports about them but now I want one.  And I’m so bummed because there was one in our paper a couple of weeks ago for $400, I think they’re around $1500 new.  I was on it for 7 minutes and burned about 80 calories.  And although it wasn’t a challenge I would definitely be able to go 20 or 30 minutes.  I’m going to start saving my pennies to buy one of these babies.  Maybe I’ll start buying lottery tickets.

Today I have the first appointment with my personal trainer and I’m really looking forward to it. I was always a good student in school and I think that if she prescribes a workout routine that I will look at it as an “assignment” and want my teacher’s approval. I’m not sure yet how often the appointments are scheduled (I have 4 of them) but I know I will want to be able to show progress so it will be great motivation.

I also was finally able to control my eating last night. I went back to brushing my teeth right after supper which allowed me to resist snacking after the boys went to bed. Plus, I was so exhausted that I don’t think I had the energy to chew anything.

I think my older son is cured of his desire to stay home from school. He was very surprised to find out yesterday that when we got home he still didn’t get to watch cartoons or play outside, which totally sucked because it was 75 degrees and sunny. They said on the news this morning that it was literally the warmest day we have had in six months! But I just explained that since he said he was SO sick on Tuesday that we had better make sure he’s all better before he plays outside again. He stared out the window almost crying for quite some time. I know I shouldn’t delight in this but I couldn’t help but laugh a little. I think it’s a memory that will stick with him for quite some time. Small victories, right?

<> OK, sometimes God just likes to play with us.  Our school has a faculty social once a month and this morning you know what was there…cheesecake!  At 7:30 in the morning I’m supposed to resist cheesecake?  As much as it killed me I turned around and walked out, I know my limitations.

It’s 3:30 and I’m up, I’m guessing for the rest of the day.  Starting at 10:30 I was up about every 30 minutes.  Once I got Kyle sleeping well my older son was coughing.  He has a sinus infection and the meds haven’t fully kicked in.  Then Kyle woke up for real at 2:30.  Oh well, what can you do?

The biggest thing I’m freaking out about is the behavior of my older son.  Do all parents wonder at some point if their child is going to be in the behavior disorder program at school??  Seriously, I’m starting to get worried.  He always has been such a good boy and everyone says that if they are well-behaved everywhere else but naughty at home that it’s normal.  Actually, it’s good.  But yesterday he refused to go to daycare.  He’s only 5!  We kept him home on Monday from preschool because he was sick (he goes to preschool MWF).  He goes to daycare on Tues/Thurs and loves every minute of it other than the fact that he has to rest for an hour in the afternoon.  So yesterday my hubby was trying to get him to clean the gunk out of his nose because we knew they would take one look at it and send him home.  The only option would have been to hold him down and rip the boogers out of his nose.  I talked to him on the phone and discovered that he really wasn’t sick but that he wanted to stay home and watch a new cartoon that we had picked up at the library the day before.  He also didn’t want to take a nap.  I explained to him that if he insisted that he was sick that he would have to lay in bed all day and wouldn’t watch cartoons.  He agreed.

I know this doesn’t make him a BD kid but he has always been so good that I’m not sure if we handled this the right way.  I also want to make sure that we don’t start heading down the slippery slope of having a raging brat.  After all, I don’t think most parents of total brats actually realize how awful their kids are.  And I worry that with all of the other things that we’re dealing with that nobody would feel right about telling us that our previously “good boy” is turning into a snotty kid.  It also doesn’t help that I’m reading a book right now about how to teach Oppositional and Defiant Children and I of course see a bit of my son in every example.  It reminds me of when I was in psych class and diagnosed myself with every mental illness under the sun.  But seriously, if any experiened parents have words of wisdom I would greatly appreciate it.

Diet-wise this week is still getting off to a slow start.  I have been fairly good with food but haven’t worked out yet.  Tonight I won’t be able to, either, because my son has physical therapy after school and my hubby has night class.  But tomorrow I meet with my physical trainer so it will be a new start.  And, I’m going to weigh myself this morning to see how much damage I did over the weekend.  I still have my goal of being under 250 by the end of the school year and I want to know exactly how far I need to push myself to meet my goal.

Sorry for the rambling, thanks for reading.

I’m beginning to wonder if anyone has a “normal” life.  Yesterday I had to take my older son to the doctor after school so I missed my workout.  Today he’s still sick so my hubby is staying home with him but I’m guessing I’ll miss today’s workout, too, because when kids are home sick it’s just too crazy.  Tomorrow my younger son has physical therapy so that’s gone.  Thursday I meet with my personal trainer so I’m just not going to worry about things until I meet with her and have a plan.  That will be my restart date.  I would love to be able to workout in the morning so things don’t interfere but since I can’t guarantee that I’m going to get a good night’s sleep I don’t want to have my workouts in the morning and then feel like I failed if I miss them.  I just need to realize that my life is chaotic right now and that I need to do the best that I can.  When summer comes and things are a little more predictable then I will really kick some butt.  Until then I’m just going to focus on my food (because I CAN control that) and fit in exercise when I can.

What a fabulous weekend.  Kyle was well enough on Saturday that we decided to go to the cabin.  The weather sucked (cold, snow/rain) but we puttered around on the way to the cabin, did a bit of shopping and just spent time together.  The cabin was beautiful and we can’t wait to go back.  If any of you are close to Pella, IA; check out the Horn’s Ferry Hideaway Cabins.

But back to reality.  Now my older son is sick and is refusing to go to the doctor.  He obviously has to go but I can see myself literally having to carry him in kicking and screaming.  He basically only goes to get his yearly physical because he is always so healthy.  And today I’m back on the straight and narrow for eating and exercise.

Hope everyone had a more on-track weekend than I did, but I enjoyed every bite!

Still haven’t heard from my FIL but in all honesty I wasn’t expecting to.  Both my hubby and I agree that if they are going to call they’ll do it this weekend since we told them we’d be out of town.  Oh well, we have bigger fish to fry.

<> The good news is I’m down to 264.0, that’s 25 pounds!!  I was 266.5 on Monday and I was only able to workout 1 day plus my eating wasn’t fantastic.  But it wasn’t awful, either, and that’s what I need to focus on.  Only 14 pounds to go until my 1st mini-goal and actually, only 4 pound to go until I hit the 10% mark.

The bad news is we had another rough night with our son.  He had a major seizure that wasn’t controlled by the meds we give him.  Usually, once he receives the meds it’s only a minute or two until it goes away.  Last night it was 45 minutes and he still had trouble the rest of the night.  Finally he crashed so I took him to daycare today so I could come to school because I’m guessing he’s going to sleep until at least noon.  But I told my sitter that if he doesn’t look right to call me right away.

So we’re trying to decide if we still should go on our trip this weekend.  If he’s just sick I trust my mom to handle him and we definitely need the break.  We’ll have to see how today goes.

I’m home with a sick baby today so I have a bit more time to be on the computer.  I have a few random thoughts/questions to share.

1.  I called my FIL (see last post if you want to know more).  I got their voicemail as I expected but at least I have gotten the ball rolling.  We’ll see if they call back.

2.  This week on The Biggest Loser, Alli said something about weight loss that really hit home with me.  I don’t remember her exact quote but it was something like “Of course losing weight is hard, but it wouldn’t mean as much if it wasn’t.”  This is going to become my mantra.

3.  Has anyone tried that fat reducing drug that the FDA approved?  I think it’s called Alli.  I never considered it before because I was doing lo-carb (too much fat to deal with the side effects) but now that I have switched to the 3 Hour Diet I don’t eat a lot of fat at once so I think I could try it.  From what I know you lose 50% more weight but I know the side effects can be pretty nasty.  Just didn’t know if anyone had experience with it.

Baby is starting to fuss, got to go.

Beyond the obvious, I learned again yesterday about the benefits of exercise.  I had a meeting after school that lasted until 4:30 so I wasn’t able to workout.  I ended up eating anything that wasn’t nailed down.  I started with a few healthy snacks to get me until supper.  I was still hungry so I moved up supper since I was hungry.  Then it was 6:30 and I was STILL starving.  I sound like the very hungry caterpillar.  I ended up downing leftover birthday cake, mixed nuts, granola bars and the rest of my son’s chocolate easter bunny.  Oh yeah, don’t forget the cheese stick wrapped in a piece of turkey and another mini-granola bar before bed.

I’m trying to keep it all in perspective because I’m guessing at the most I added an extra 1500 calories.  Not my best day by a long shot, but not even 1/2 a pound.  I caved and hopped on the scale yesterday morning and was down to 265 from 266.5 on Saturday morning.  As long as I keep my head in the game today I should be ok for my weigh in tomorrow.

Beyond missing the exercise, the last few things I ate were probably in response to my father-in-law.  I don’t know if I have written about him on here but essentially he’s an idiot.  It will be 2 years this summer since I have spoken with him, my husband talked to him a few months after I did.  Long story short, he and his wife are compulsive gamblers and began to lie BIG TIME to cover it up.  They would say they were going to stop by and never show, things like that.  Eventually our older son (who was 2-3 at the time) would be disappointed b/c we would tell him that grandma and grandpa were coming over and then they’d never come.  Even with our younger son being so sick they haven’t been in contact.  The final straw was when my hubby’s uncle died and his dad didn’t call us or his sister, luckily another aunt called.  My hubby and his sister went to the funeral and their dad and his wife left immediately.  They told everyone that my hubby and SIL just didn’t want to come so since they were caught in a lie they just bolted.  Father of the year, isn’t he?

Anyway, on Monday my older son asked me why grandpa doesn’t love him anymore.  Last spring I saw my father-in-law’s wife at a bridal shower and we had a long talk where I had a chance to explain how we felt and during that time I explained that although we were open to talking and re-establishing communication it would have to be at their initiation.  We had tried so many times and been shot down that we were done trying.  And I even told her that if things haven’t changed when Kyle dies that we would not call them, they would have to read about it in the newspaper.  I realize that sounds harsh but it’s the way it has to be.  You can only be let down so many times by someone before you quit trying and risk getting your hopes dashed.

Anyway, that all changed when my son told me he thinks grandpa doesn’t love him.  Even though my FIL is still a douchebag my son doesn’t think so.  I called my hubby’s step-sister last night and ran ideas past her.  I have been toying with the idea of calling them and basically telling them that if they think our feud is only affecting the adults that they are wrong.  We are willing to begin working on a resolution but it will have to be on our terms.  We absolutely will not bring our kids into the mix until we have had a chance to resolve all of the old issues and they realize that they can’t pull the same bull that they have in the past.  I’m not optimistic that it will work but at least I know I’m trying.  It’s amazing what you’re willing to do for your kids.

My younger son is sick today so I’m guessing I’ll be home.  This will give me a time to talk with them if they answer the phone without our older son being around.  I’ll let you all know how it goes.

I have hired a personal trainer.  One of our hospitals has this service and she will work with the equipment that you have to create a training program for you.  You get 2-1 hour sessions and 2-30 minute sessions for $99.  I can’t get in until the 17th but I just wanted someone to help me out to make sure I’m using my time to the best advantage.  Especially since I don’t like cardio and tend to avoid it I want to maximize every minute.

I think today is going to be another crazy day.  My son had a little seizure yesterday and now I think he’s getting a cold.  If he can make it through the day today I can easily stay home with him tomorrow because the counselor is coming into my classes and working with kids on their high school plans so I wouldn’t need to make sub plans.  Looking at him right now I think he’ll be ok enough to send to daycare at least for today and hopefully things will improve by tomorrow and I’ll be able to go then, too.

We booked a cabin in the woods for this weekend and I can’t wait.  Hopefully the weather will improve (it’s supposed to be 44 and SNOWY) because there is a huge hiking trail just outside our door.  But if not it comes equipped with a tv/vcr/dvd so I’ll bring some workouts with me for Sunday morning.  I might not get in a workout on Saturday b/c we’ll be at my mom and dad’s and as soon as we get ready in the morning we can head out the door.  An hour earlier of freedom might be worth skipping a workout.