It’s all up to me

I know I was AWOL yesterday but it’s not because I fell off the wagon, it’s because our laptop decided to quit working on Saturday afternoon and we couldn’t get it fixed over the weekend.  I never realized how much I used that computer until it was broken.

Anyway, here’s my update.  My weigh-in yesterday was 268.5, which means I was down 5 pounds last week.  Like I said, I know some of the weight I gained was due to the salt in the Easter ham, but who cares??  I also ate really well all week and worked my butt off.  Plus, I’m even more proud of how I handled Saturday.  We had my son’s birthday party for his buddies and instead of telling myself I was going to resist the cake and then fail, I planned it so that it was time for a 300 calorie snack at that time.  I’m not sure exactly how many calories were in the cake but even if I went over I didn’t view it as “cheating” so I stayed on plan.  Then yesterday I ate well all day and had a bigger supper last night.  I think I’m going to continue doing that, indulging a little at supper on Sunday nights.  I think it will help me get through the week and there shouldn’t be huge repurcussions since I weigh in on Sunday mornings.  And it’s not like I ate horrible food,  I just had a steak with my cottage cheese and tomato.

Thanks for all of the wonderful comments, it really makes a difference.  Hopefully we’ll get our computer fixed soon so I’ll have more time to read all of your stories.

Thanks so much for all of the wonderful comments.  We still haven’t had time to talk about it but we will, it’s not a conversation you want to have with 2 little boys around.  But at least I have gotten over my grumpiness because it is a problem that can be solved.  I do agree with what several of you have said, I think it stems from his fear of rejection, not a lack of desire for me. 

However, now I have different motivation.  We just booked our flights for Florida.  My SIL moved recently to the Tampa Bay area and she’s really lonely.  Also, my sister lives in Savannah, GA and the 2 cities are about 5 hours apart.  From August 6-13 we will be visiting our families.  I know, August isn’t the best time to visit the southeast but it’s the only time that fits into our schedules.

I also took a huge step and revealed my weight to 2 of my sisters.  I am by far the heaviest and I think both of them will be surprised to realize that I weigh 273 pounds.  But since our contest is over, they both wanted to continue losing weight so we’re trying to figure out what to do.  I decided to share my goals with them.  I shared goal #1 (being at 250 by the end of the school year) and have now added a 2nd goal, to lose an additional 20 pounds by our vacation.  That gives me a little over 4 months to lose 40 pounds, a steep goal but definitely achieveable.  Plus, once summer comes I am going to be able to pick up the workouts a bit.  Knowing that I’m going to be at the beach on a daily basis had better serve as some motivation.  Plus, my SIL has lost a ton of weight and I don’t want her to be thinner than me.  I would guess we’re about the same size now and she had to have been 350+ when she started.  Completely immature, I know, but I need to be honest.

I weigh in tomorrow and I can’t wait to see the results, I just hope I’m not disappointed.  To help myself in the event the numbers aren’t friendly I uploaded my “before” pics to my computer and also took a new set of measurements so I can compare in a month or so.  I will also check my bodyfat percentage tomorrow to see if those numbers have dropped.

First of all, let me respond to mffallaw before I forget.  (I tried to find a link to your blog but couldn’t figure it out)  I do like TurboJam, although the only workout I totally love is the one you get with the weighted gloves.  To be fair to the program I have only done the other ones one time each but they didn’t hold my attention.  The one with the gloves, though, is AWESOME!!!  It’s 48 minutes and every time I do it I swear it only takes 20 minutes but it’s so much fun.  She’s not one of those annoying leaders with the high-pitched voice, she’s kind of a tough chick.  I’m glad I pulled it out, I’ll have to make sure to incorporate it more often.

OK, back to the title.  I’m in a fight with my hubby and this is strange territory because we’re one of those couples who truly never fight.  We have been together for 9 years and even with all of the stress we face because of our son I would say we have had maybe 10 fights over the years.  In his defense, I don’t even think he realizes that we’re in a fight but he definitely knows that I haven’t been acting like myself.  But what it has done is put more energy into my workouts.  I got home from school yesterday and was tempted to skip the workout because it was Friday and I was exhausted because I had been up since 3 am but I didn’t want to hang out with him so I went into the basement and kicked some butt. 

I know this is a short-term fix and I don’t want to be in a fight forever but I’m willing to let it go on for a while.  TMI warning coming up here, so if you don’t want the gory details skip ahead to the next paragraph.  Our problem is that his sex drive is much slower than mine.  The other night I suggested that we “snuggle” and his response was a heavy sigh.  Understandably, he had been up for 2 hours the night before so he was tired.  And I have no problem with him saying no because he’s tired, but in that moment I realized that I can’t remember the last time he initiated sex.  And even when we do have sex I feel like he’s doing me a favor.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s fantastic and once we get going he’s totally into it, but it’s like I have to beg him to be with me.  After hearing about all of the other women who are constantly being mauled by their hubbies it’s very demoralizing.  I don’t think this has anything to do with my weight.  I was a size 18 when we met and now I’m about a 20-22.  Before I got pregnant with my last son I was down to a 16 and we still had this problem.  He totally loves me and I don’t worry that he’s gay or having an affair.  I think part of it is that he knows how tired we both always are so he doesn’t want to make me feel pressured but damn it, take a risk sometime.  Once we actually started sleeping together, I can remember 2 times that I told him no.  He has rejected me 2 times in the last 2 weeks.

So the passive/agressive part of me has decided that I am done initiating sex.  I am going to wait for him to come to me and see how long it takes.  I will bring this up in a day or so when I have figured out exactly what I want to say, but I think (no, I know) that I want him to start the conversation because here’s another situation where I have to get things started.  He knows I’m pissed but isn’t doing anything about it.

Other than that today should be fun.  We have my older son’s birthday party today for his friends and all I have to do is show up.  I was going to try to do the traditional birthday thing at our house but we had a Christmas party with his buddies and it was too much.  Instead, I know a lady who does cooking classes for kids and they are going to make and decorate his birthday cake as well as play a few games.  The best $100 I ever spent.

If I decide to become a grown-up today I’ll talk to my hubby.  I’ll let you all know how it goes.

Weekends are always tough for me.  I go like gangbusters all week and then when the weekend comes I throw in the towel.  It should be easier, extra time to workout, less stress, etc. but it’s just harder, plain and simple.  Even though it’s tough, I’m tougher.  Friday nights and Saturday mornings usually set the tone so I will have to focus on those 2 times as they come.  For tonight, I’m going to do my TurboJam DVD when I get home.  I was struggling last night with what to do and finally dug out my CoreSecrets DVD.  Once I got about 5 minutes into it I remembered how much I liked it.  So tonight I’m going more for cardio.

I also want to mention that this tanning reward is working.  I was wanting to get on the scale this morning but didn’t because I want to be able to tan on Sunday after I weigh-in.  Sad that I’m trading one unhealthy behavior for another but since I would be tanning anyway at least I’m making healthier choices to get there.

Tonight I will worry about my plan for tomorrow.  I don’t have details worked out yet but I know it will involve a good workout in the morning.  My son has his birthday party with his friends in the afternoon but it’s only for 2 hours and I will keep my mouth full of gum and my hands busy with the camera.

I’m watching an informercial right now for the BowFlex Treadclimber.  Does anyone have experience with them?  There was one listed in our paper a couple of weeks ago for $400 and I was so tempted to call on it but I know we can’t afford it so who cares if it was a great deal.  Maybe when my hubby’s through with school and we’re a dual income household again. 

Hope everyone has a successful Friday and a good start to their weekend.

I just realized that I haven’t written anything today and I’m so excited to share my newest brainstorm.  I had been trying to think of a reward that I actually want and that I would honestly withhold if I didn’t reach my goal.  Then it dawned on me…tanning.  I know, it’s awful, but I have been going tanning about once a week for the last few months and I love it.  So what I have decided is that if I don’t lose weight in any given week I can’t go tanning that week.  It doesn’t have to be much, even 1/2 pound, but there has to be a loss.  Other rewards like manicures, etc. don’t work for me because I can polish my own nails and to be honest, if I had time to be getting my nails done that would eliminate about 1,000,000 other problems in my life.  But the tanning is already paid for and it is something that I desperately want to do.

<> I’m also trying to think of something to keep me off the scale until Sunday mornings.  I might tie the 2 together, but I’m worried that if I cave and get on the scale during the week that I won’t be motivated to work hard and lose weight as well.  So I need to think of something else that I enjoy that I’m basically already doing  that I can take away in the event that I get on the scale more than once a week.

<> Got to go workout. See you tomorrow.

Yesterday I got back into my regular routine and I was fine until about 7:30, then I got hungry.  And it was true hunger, not just wanting to eat.  I tried to put it off but then realized that it wasn’t going to go away.  First I ate a piece of lo-carb candy that was leftover.  Nope, still hungry.  Then I ate 2 pieces of licorice from my son’s Easter basket.  Nope, still hungry.  (I sound like the Very Hungry Caterpillar).  Finally, I ate a bag of 100 Calorie Popcorn.  I’m not so upset that I was eating it, after all it probably totaled 200 calories, max, but I felt like an idiot because I was chowing down while watching The Biggest Loser.

Speaking of BL, can I just say that I am SO glad that Dan is gone.  I have no problem with the guys ganging up on the girls, it’s their team.  But Dan has been so arrogant lately that I actually was getting angry (yes, getting angry with a tv show).

Anyway, I’m trying to think big picture.  In the long run 200 calories is nothing and it kept me from doing something worse.  Tonight is going to be my big challenge.  My son has physical therapy after school and then tonight is my hubby’s night class so I’m in a position for my secret eating.  I am going to brush my teeth right after supper and shut off the lights in the kitchen.  I’ll still have to go in there to make bottles and get meds but otherwise it’s off limits.   I can do this!

As much as I love a break I do crave my routine.  Today we’re back to school which means a much easier time sticking to diet/exercise.  I finally got out of my funk from yesterday and am energized at the thought of working toward my goal.

This morning the scale read 273.5, I know some of that is from water retention but I’ll set that as my new start weight.  My new short term goal is to be at 250 or below by the end of the school year.  That’s 11 weeks to lose 23.5 pounds.  Since I know some of this is water weight it’s basically 2 pounds a week which is doable.  Other than my son’s birthday party in a couple of weeks our weekends are pretty empty which means it will be easier to stick to the plan.  I bought myself a little notebook where I can plan my meals and track my exercise.  I also took “before” pictures of myself in my sports bra and shorts.  From the front I don’t look too bad but from the side…YIKES!  I’m just going to store them on my computer for now but when I have some improvement to show I just might post them on here.

I have no desire to workout today.  This is rare for me as I am one of those weird people who like to exercise.  I know where it’s coming from; my son had another seizure this morning.  It really wasn’t any worse than any of the others he has had, it’s just that they are happening more frequently.  In my head I know I will feel better if I workout, my hubby even encouraged me to head to the basement for the same reason.  But I just don’t want to.  Maybe I want to be sad, I don’t know.

So I’m not sure what I’m going to do today.  I might workout, I might not.  I’m not going to worry about my diet for right now…in all honesty I don’t have an appetite at the moment.  When life gets somewhat back to normal I’ll worry about all of that.

Well,  things are slowly spiraling out of control.  Maybe that’s not 100% accurate, but that’s how I feel.

Here’s  a recap on yesterday.  Got in a good workout and for the most part food was good at home.  I did eat some junk in the morning and quickly got an upset stomach. It’s funny how quickly your body adapts to eating healthy food and revolts when you put crap into it.  Anyway, I didn’t stress over it because I enjoyed every bite as I ate it.

When we got to my parent’s house I followed my plan of eating a small bit of what I wanted and then going back for more.  It was hard to get over the guilty feeling as I was eating food, especially the bread.  But for the first holiday in quite some time I felt somewhat in control of what I was eating.  Until the end of the night.  I was in the kitchen packing a few things up and for whatever reason I started nibbling on the ham.  OK, nibbling is inaccurate, I started mowing down on it.  I’m not a big fan of ham but my mom got the kind that I like and I chowed. 

Overnight my all-or-nothing thinking reared it’s ugly head.  Kyle was up for a couple of hours and my favorite dessert (leftovers from last night) was beckoning me.  I ate 2 or 3 pieces, I can’t remember.  When morning came and the search for Easter baskets began we had a blast and I forgot I was tired.  I was planning to workout but instead decided to take a nap and it was heaven.

So here I am, about 30 minutes before we’re leaving for Easter at my MIL’s.  I’m still going to practice my plan, eat what I want but do it consciously.

So why do I hate the scale?  I hopped on this morning just to inspect the damage and it read 275.  Yesterday I was at 269.  It honestly didn’t upset me because I know most of the gain was due to water retention from the sodium in the ham, but it just shows how evil it is that it can show a 6 pound gain in one day.  I may have gained a pound with all of the food but even I realize that I didn’t shovel in 20,000+ calories in one day.

Off to face another challenge.

Well, it hasn’t been perfect but I’m pretty happy with how the weekend has gone so far.  I got my workout in yesterday and ate according to plan.  Last night I made one of my desserts and made it through without a single nibble.  I honestly don’t think I have ever done that before in my life.  I did choose to try one later (it was a recipe I had never made before) and one turned into 3.  But before I got frustrated and threw in the towel I realized that maybe those 3 pieces added 500 calories to my day.  That only equals 1/7th of a pound, not worth getting upset over.  This was a huge step for me, usually I would use it as an excuse to eat like crazy all weekend.

This morning I got up and there were the bars.  The thought crossed my mind to have one for breakfast but I resisted.  So far my son and I have made the crusts on the 2 other desserts, once they have cooled we’ll do the last steps.  But I made it through again without nibbling.  I just fit in a tough workout and now the rest of the day will be spent getting cleaned up, finishing the desserts and heading to my parent’s.  We’re going to go a bit early so that I can do a bit of shopping; they live in a bigger town so they have some stores that we don’t have here.  It will be nice to try on some smaller sizes.

Got to go, baby needs his diaper changed.  See you all tomorrow.

 Oh, I almost forgot.  I weighed in today instead of tomorrow because I know I’m going to eat a bit more than normal tonight.  I did see 268.5 once but I saw 269.0 twice so I’m going to go with that.  So since I started this 3 hour diet 2 weeks ago I have lost 8 pounds.  I know this pace won’t go on forever but I’ll take it as long as it lasts.  This also marks 20 pounds lost since the middle of December.  If I keep up this pace (20 pounds every 3 months) I will be at 209 by mid-December.  I can pick it up a notch to hit my goal of 200 by New Year’s.