It’s all up to me

I am still going with the plan, at least for the time being, that I am going to focus on making healthy choices instead of being on a “diet”.  Anyone reading this might be saying “duh, that’s what you should do anyway” but it’s a hard concept for me to grasp.  For the most part things have been going well.  I have made a few choices that were less than 100% healthy but they have been conscious choices, not something where I felt out of control.  And based on how things have gone this week I know that if I had been strict with myself I would have lost control, felt like a failure and gone on a binge.  Maybe taking this time to think about everything I am putting into my body will better prepare me for when I have the right circumstances to go back on a more regimented eating plan.  For right now, I’m enjoying the extra fruits I am allowing myself and sticking to lean proteins and veggies as much as possible.

Yesterday was a pretty good day, other than the fact that my 4 year-old was replaced with a complete monster.  Anyway, eating choices were good during the day as they always are.  I did have 2 bites of frosting and 3 small chocolates after school but that is much less than I normally would have had.  I lifted weights before I picked up the boys and then had a healthy dinner of turkey and an apple.  I was so tempted to have more frosting in the evening but having The Biggest Loser on helped me fight the urge.  It also helped to simply turn the light off in the kitchen.  It was like it was my symbol that the kitchen was closed.

Yesterday didn’t go too badly but it wasn’t fantastic, either.  I would say 90% of what I ate was healthy which in all honesty isn’t too bad.  It’s just that in my all or nothing way of thinking I see it as a failure.  Just remember…focus on the positive…focus on the positive…focus on the positive.

I chose not to exercise since I only got about 3 hours of sleep the night before and I was exhausted.  Instead, my hubby and I spent a little “quality time” together before he picked up the kids.  That counts for exercise, doesn’t it?  Then while he was gone I made some frosting for my son’s Christmas party on Saturday.  He’s 4 and he and his buddies are going to decorate cookies.  I know, setting myself up for disaster but with all of the difficulties he has had to face this year with my other son’s illness we wanted him to have something special to look forward to.

Today I will exercise.  My mom came up last night to stay up with the baby (thank heavens because he was up for 4 hours again last night) so I got a full night’s sleep.  And The Biggest Loser is on tonight which always keeps me on track; I would feel kind of stupid pigging out while I’m watching other people lose weight.

I am trying not to get discouraged at how many times I have started over.  It seems that I will get a good head of steam brewing and then something will set me off course.  Then it’s time to start, AGAIN, and repeat the cycle.  I am trying to take comfort in the fact that I am not alone, that so many people have to start several times before they are successful.  And I also realize that as long as I don’t just give up that I will eventually meet my goal.

I have decided, though, that I am not going to use the scale.  Normally on a Monday I would hop on to find out my “new” starting weight and then keep track.  Knowing I would be discouraged when I saw my new weight I decided to avoid it all together.  This disappointment on top of the fact that I have been up since 2:15 (my son isn’t sleeping again) would make for a disasterous day.  Instead, through the holidays I am going to focus on making healthy choices.  Since I enjoy exercise I’m going to make sure I get that in at least 4 days a week after school.  My eating is where I have difficulty but I am going to put the emphasis on healthy foods instead of “good/bad” foods.  I am still going to eat primarily low carb by avoiding sweets and things like chips, potatoes, etc. but I will allow myself some fruit and dairy products to increase the variety of foods I can eat.

So as of this morning I’m a 24/26.  I still would like to fit in the size 22 jeans by Christmas (the previous goal was Thanksgiving).  Every weekend I’ll try on the jeans to see how close I’m getting to my goal.

I wish everyone the strength they need to make it through the holiday season in a healthy way.

I need to throw my scale away.  When it doesn’t say what I want I get upset and want to eat.  When it does say what I want I get excited and think I can handle a little treat.  Yesterday I hopped on and it said 280.0, hooray!  I knew it was going to be a difficult day because we had appts. with my son’s doctors so I would be at the hospital most of the day.  Needless to say eating did not go well yesterday.  I checked out the damage this morning and the scale said 283.0.  I realize that I didn’t gain 3 pounds yesterday but it is still discouraging.

<> My goal for Monday is still to be under 280.  I need to refocus for the weekend and I will get there.  The good news is I slipped on a pair of jeans this morning and they looked so baggy.  I can’t get into the next size down yet but I am getting smaller.

I also gained some perspective yesterday.  While I was waiting for one of the procedures for my son I was talking with another mom who I would guess is in the 350+ pound range.  Even though I am discouraged at how far I have to go to make my goal I realize that my journey is not as long as some other people have to go.  And when I look at someone who is a size 10 and wish I could be there, I know that they may think they are fat.  Everything is relative.  So I am going to try to be happy with the progress I have made and realize that to someone else out there, losing 130 pounds sounds like a walk in the park compared to what they need to do.  Good luck to everyone out there on your weight loss whether you need to lose 20 or 200 pounds.

Help!  I am struggling right now.  I realize it’s because I’m out of my normal routine (the kids are taking standardized tests so I’m not actively teaching) and I’m exhausted (the baby was up a ton last night).  So I have plenty of time to sit here and think about how tired/hungry I am.  Thank God our school got rid of our vending machines 2 years ago in an effort to be more healthy.

<> To keep my mind busy I’m going to read more of these blogs and hit the Biggest Loser website.  I will make it through the day.

I am going to try to refocus my energy on things I can control.  Lately I have been frustrated with my job and I am letting it cloud my life outside of school.  Yesterday was an absolutely awful day and when I left school I was still angry.  The good news was I couldn’t wait to get home and workout to let go of some of the pent-up energy but the bad news was when I was done I was still angry.  So today I am going to approach the day with the realization that I cannot make others have a more positive attitude.  I am going to do my best while I am here and let it go when I am not.  We’ll see if it works

<> I don’t know if I am going to get in a workout tonight or not because we have physical therapy right after school for my son.  Hopefully he’ll take a nap afterwards and then my hubby can watch our other son.  I really need to fit one in because I may not get one tomorrow, either.  Our son has some appts. at the university so our whole routine will be out of whack.  If nothing else I hope to get in some treadmill time tonight after the boys go to bed so that I can feel like I did something today and tomorrow.

Yesterday was a good day.  School went well and the weather was great (60 degrees in Iowa in November!!)  I went home after school and cut the grass for the last time and then put in 45 minutes on the treadmill.  And the most amazing news of all is I only ate foods that are on my program.  I think the fact that I have finally hit the point where exercise isn’t shocking my body into losing weight is forcing me into eating properly.  And in all honesty I enjoy eating healthy foods.  For supper we had pork chops with tomatoes, broccoli and cucumbers.  And for some reason my 4 year old is on a veggie kick so that is providing encouragement to stick with the veggies to be a good role model for him.

This morning I got on the scale in my normal routine and I was down to 282.5.  My goal for next Monday is to be lower than 280.

On a side note before I went home yesterday I stopped at the drug store to mail a few packages and noticed a woman park her jeep at the curb to run in the store.  That always irritates me but to make it worse she left her 2 kids alone with the car running.  The kids were about 2 and a newborn.  She is so lucky nobody drove away with her kids.  I’m sure she locked the door but if someone is a kidnapper/child molester they aren’t going to let a locked jeep get in the way.  It just so happens that she was buying stamps so I told her that her kids were too young to be left in the car by themselves.  Is it worth risking their safety for STAMPS???  The look she gave me let me know she didn’t appreciate me butting into her business but for heaven’s sake those kids are too young to be left by themselves.  I was shaking I was so mad.  I was still angry until I got off the treadmill, I think the exercise allowed me to work through my feelings.  And I pushed it a little faster than I normally do.  Maybe I should get angry more often before I exercise, who knows???  Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

Wow, the scale gave me the proof that I overindulged this weekend.  Earlier last week I had gotten down to 282.5 from an official weigh-in weight last Monday of 284.  This morning I was at 285.0.  I feel comfortable dropping .5 from this weight because I wasn’t able to weigh in the same way I normally do but that still doesn’t post a loss.  I’m almost glad, now I can’t stray from the plan and still feel like I can lose weight.  So now my mind is refocused and I am going to do this the right way.

Even though the weight is higher I can tell I have gotten smaller.  And my body feels better because I am exercising regularly.  Keeping those goals in mind I am going to go forward with my day, one day closer to being thin and healthy.

In spite of myself I am making some progress. What I mean by that is I am finally in an exercise routine and I am loving it!!  I still haven’t gotten the food thing under control, though.  It’s not that I’m completely out of control, for the most part my diet is quite healthy.  It’s just those “extras” that are finding their way into my mouth.  OK, not finding their way, I’m seeking them out.  The intelligent part of my person reminds me that if these foods weren’t in my house it wouldn’t be possible to eat them.  But the emotional part of me wants to keep them around.  At this point the emotional person is winning.  I did have one moment of clarity today, though.  We had company for supper last night and I made a pudding-type dessert.  As we were getting things ready for supper tonight I told my husband that after he had what he wanted to throw the rest away.  I definitely wanted some more but realized it wouldn’t be a good decision.

To celebrate my success (I know, I’m pathetic that I’m celebrating not eating dessert ONE time) I decided to pull out some pants that I bought a couple of weeks ago that were too tight.  They fit!!!  So then I got cocky and pulled out my jeans that I want to be in by Thanksgiving and they are still too tight. In all honesty I think my goal may be a bit too lofty but I am going to keep working toward it.  I thought I could drop a size by Thanksgiving but if I am being honest with myself I really got up to a size 26 which would make the size 22 jeans going down 2 sizes.  Even if I’m not in them by Thanksgiving I know I will be in them soon.