It’s all up to me

I am finally taking time to update the blog and as is usually the case, when I’m absent from  here things are not going well.  This morning I was thinking  about what I was going to write and my first thought was that I can’t stop eating unhealthy foods.  Then I realized that it isn’t that I can’t stop it’s that I don’t WANT to stop.  In addition to my son’s surgery last week (which went very well) he now has a nasty cold and we aren’t sleeping very well.  On top of that he has another surgery next Thursday and my husband has gout.  Yes, gout.  So he is on major painkillers and cannot get up at night to help with the baby and he is miserable.  So what typically happens is that I do very well sticking to the program during the school day but when I get home all hell breaks loose.  I’m usually exhausted and I truly want the comfort food.

So what I have decided is I am going to have to do the best I can until life slows down.  I am not going to stick to a strick lo-carb plan but am going to try to eat healthy foods that are off the program like fruits, whole wheat bread, etc.  I considered getting up at 4 am to exercise but the other night I didn’t get to bed until after 3:00 so that’s not realistic.  I am also going to make a point to write on here more often to keep myself accountable and not fall off the deep end completely.  Wish me luck.

We’re home from the hospital and things are going much better but my eating is still way off track.  I had my plan in place this morning but allowed myself to be pulled off course because when I took my older son to preschool this morning (a special treat for me because I never get to take him) he ran out after me crying because he wanted to give me another hug.  This just magnified the guilt I always feel when I’m in the hospital with our younger son.  Of course I know I need to be in the hospital with Kyle but that’s a hard thing for a 4 year-old to truly understand.  My biggest fear is that Justin (our older son) just thinks that I love his brother more.

 A million carbs worth of emotional eating later, here I sit.  Tomorrow I should be able to fit in a workout and I WILL stay on track with my eating.  I have to do it tomorrow because otherwise I’m afraid that I’ll slide through the whole weekend eating poorly because I can always start over on Monday.  I don’t want to lose all of the ground I have gained over the last few weeks.  So I will make sure that within 30 minutes of waking up tomorrow that I will eat a hard boiled egg, my usual breakfast.  Then the rest should follow more easily.

Let’s just say that being in the hospital is not conducive to me making good food choices.  We didn’t even make it to the hospital and I caved.  But you know, I’m not going to call it caving because it was a deliberate choice to eat the cookies.  We have gas stations in our area and they have the absolute best chocolate chip cookies.  They are so good that I will only eat cookies from there.  So on our way I asked my husband to pull in and I had 2.  I was hungry and it was exactly what I wanted.  For the rest of yesterday I at carby foods, too but at least they were a bit healthier (turkey sandwich on wheat).

 Even though I would have loved to stayed 100% on plan while Kyle is in the hospital I realize the world was not going to end by me eating the cookies.  It may take me an extra week to reach my ultimate goal of 150 pounds but so what.  As long as I get back on the program when I get home I will be ok with it.  And I actually might be in a better position at the end of this week anyway because I will be staying at home to take care of him which means I will be able to workout every day instead of just 2-3 days (my hubby can watch him for an hour before he leaves for class).  Long story long, it’s amazing how being in a hospital surrounded by sick and dying children can help you re-evaluate your priorities.  Being skinny isn’t important, being healthy is.  So I will stick to the turkey sandwiches and fruit as long as I am here and get rid of the carbs when I get back home.

PS–Kyle’s surgery went very well, his hospitalization was not life-threatening this time.  He has to come back in a couple of weeks again for another surgery but that one should not require an overnight stay.

Last night I had a craving for popcorn.  Not a “Gee, some popcorn would be good right now” craving but a “I want popcorn and you had better get out of my way before I squirt YOU with butter and sprinkle you with salt.”  I waited it out for about 2 hours and still wanted it so I went for it.  But I had to go to the grocery store to buy the popcorn because I don’t keep any in the house anymore.  Plus, I found my hubby’s emergency stash of dark chocolate and ate about 15 of the mini-bars.

In all honesty I am very glad I did it.  First of all, it tasted FABULOUS!  Secondly, I think it actually gave me the focus I need to get through my son’s hospitalization without inhaling every cake/cookie/donut in a 50 mile radius.  I woke up several times throughout the night partly due to worry but mostly due to an upset stomach because I ate handful upon handful of greasy popcorn.

Today should be pretty easy because when I’m in the middle of something stressful I can’t eat.  Where I will need to focus is after his surgery when we’re just waiting to go home.  To help I am going to bring my weight loss book and my laptop so I can blog when I need to.

Today is my official weigh-in and I’m down to 280.5, hooray!!  Only .5 away from my September goal.  I know I only need to lose another half pound but I need to keep my focus because tomorrow my son is going back into the hospital for a surgery.  If we’re only there for a couple of days I know I can keep my eating on track but if we’re there for much longer it become a bit more difficult.  So I am packing portable foods like tuna, cheese sticks, lo-carb bars, etc. to keep me moving in the right direction.

 Today’s reading from the 100 days of weight loss book is focused on the same idea.  It reminds me that I need to eat for 1 of 2 reasons; to fuel my body or to enjoy the flavors.  Keeping this in mind will help me to not eat for comfort or out of boredom.

I am the only one up in my house right now and it is wonderful.  The baby got up at 5:30 and he has been fed and is back down for a nap.  My hubby and older son are still in bed (it’s 7:30).  I know they will be up soon but it is so nice to have a minute by myself.  I am resisting the urge to work on a class I have started but it isn’t due until the end of November so I will take it slow.  Plus, I know they will be up soon so by the time I would dive into the work I would have to stop again.  And I told my hubby last night that when he gets up I am going to take an hour and workout.  It’s funny, you would think working in a workout on the weekend should be easy because there is extra time but it is actually the hardest thing in the world for me. 

Day 10 in the book is pretty lame so I’m not going to write about it.  I still like it because it keeps me focused but some days are definitely better than others.  And it reminds me every day that I am accomplishing something.  I can tell by my body a tiny bit that I have lost some weight but I know it is coming.

 I hear my older son moving around so I am going to say goodbye.  Have a good Saturday.

Day 9 in the book wasn’t all that great, it was just identifying how I want people to respond to me in certain situations.  My hubby and I already have that worked out and as I mentioned before, our life is so boring we don’t do much else.

I got on the scale…again.  I have been telling myself that I’m only going to weigh once a week at the most and lately it has been every day.  For days I have been stuck at 284 so this morning I stepped on it AGAIN.  I think I was almost looking for a reason to get discouraged so that if I made a bad food choice that it wouldn’t be my fault.  I don’t know who’s fault I would think it was but of course it couldn’t be mine.  Anyway, apparently my scale decided I needed a break because it said 282.0.  How sad that 2 little pounds could make my day.  Now, instead of looking for any opportunity to throw in the towel  I am refocused.

Another funny thing, I actually gave myself permission last night to eat something not in my plan, but it had to be something I truly wanted, not just anything that kind of sounded good.  I couldn’t think of a damn thing that was worth going off the plan.  I know that’s fantastic but I was so mad last night.  So now when “cheatiing” thoughts jump into my head I ask myself if it’s worth it.  If it is I will eat it but right now I can’t figure out what would fit the bill.

<> Everyone have a great Friday and enjoy the weekend.

Day 8 in the book.  Things people are ALWAYS welcome to say to me is that I’m looking like I lost weight, as long as it is sincere.  I realize that at 284 pounds it is going to take more than a 5 pound weight loss to make a noticeable difference but if people can say something specific (your face is looking thinner, your waist looks smaller, etc.) it really helps me.  As far as what I don’t want to hear, it depends who it is.  Since my husband is also on the journey, if I’m at a weak moment and giving in I don’t mind him saying “Are you sure this is what you really want.”  This will force me to make an actual decision instead of eating something on impulse.  Sadly, since our life is so chaotic we don’t do much else so he is my main support person.  So far, so good, we’re both back on track.

And I have to thank my lucky stars we don’t have any good sweets in our house.  Yesterday I had to go to a late meeting and wasn’t able to exercise (double whammy).  When I finally got home I was starving but it was going to be at least 45 min before supper was ready (chicken breasts and salad).  I would have eaten anything in our house made of sugar and flour but fortunately there was nothing there.  Instead, I drank some water and took our older son outside to play while my hubby made supper.  Crisis averted.  Sadly, though, the scale hasn’t budged in 3 days, still stuck at 284.  I realize it’s too early to call it a plateau but I’m getting discouraged.  The plan, of course, is to avoid the scale but that is harder said than done.  So I am just going to remind myself that it will happen, especially now that life is a little more sane and I will be able to exercise more often.

Have a great day,

Brandie

Day 7 in my book reminds me to be my own cheerleader, to list reasons why I will be successful in losing weight.  Here it goes:

1.  I do not want to buy bigger clothes.

2.  I can’t wait to get into my old “skinny” clothes.

3.  I want to be a good example to my sons in making a healthy life.

4.  I want to be an inspiration to my husband so he will also make healthy choices.

5.  I want to know that my husband thinks I’m hot.

6.  I want to worry less about my life being cut short or of poor quality due to choices I made.

7.  I want heads to turn when I walk in the room.  (Hey, I’m being honest here).

Sadly, I realize many of these reasons are superficial and vain but that’s reality.  Of course I want to be healthy but it’s hard to know when you’re healthy, it’s easier to know when you have gone down a size.  Those results will have to get me by for now.

So far no response from my friend that I emailed about sending the political emails, we’ll have to see if I hear anything.  I know we will remain friends but I just had to say what I felt.  Have a great day!

I’m feeling sad right now so instead of eating something gooey and chocolately I thought I would write about it.  A lot has been going on but what set it off is that I had a rough day at school today and then I got an email from a friend of mine complaining about how the Democratic party is basically ruining everything in the world.  Normally I just delete her political emails but today it really made me mad because I haven’t heard from her in quite a while, including when my son had a siezure and nearly died.  In a fit of anger I replied to her email, basically saying that if she doesn’t want to be in touch for things that are important that I don’t want her to send these mass emails to me anymore.  I did allow for the fact that she may not know what to say but just told her that I’m sick of reading her political crap that she likes to send.

After calming down I still am ok with sending the message because I have felt this way for a while.  I know it also has to do with the fact that I haven’t heard from my brother (and my son’s godfather) since he was in the hospital but yet he still finds the time to send my husband several stupid jokes every day.  The time will come where I bring it up with him, too.

Already I feel better.  The rest of the night may be a bit tough because this is the evening my husband has class so I have both kids on my own.  But the 2-hour Biggest Loser is on tonight so that should keep my focus.  Somehow I can’t binge eat when I’m watching a program about people making healthy changes.  I just wish it was on 24 hours/day.