It’s all up to me

<>I am making the choice not to work out after school today.  It is over 90 degrees in my classroom and I am so sweaty already.  I know that is the risk I take by exercising after school but it is the only realistic way to get regular exercise.  This heat wave is supposed to break tomorrow or Thursday so I will begin to exercise again very soon.  Luckily I enjoy exercise so it won’t be difficult.  I just need to make sure I eat healthy snacks this afternoon and a good supper so I don’t use it as a chance to eat whatever.

To paraphrase a quote from someone famous, “It doesn’t matter how many times you fall down as long as you get back up again.”  Or maybe it was a fortune cookie.  Anyway, I am at the point where I am getting back up.  If you have read any of my recent posts you know that we faced some major stress with my son having a seizure and nearly dying.  I can remember three distinct times that doctors spoke with my husband and myself about the need to think about life support decisions for our baby.  Fortunately he is doing much better although the stress is not gone because he will be having 2 surgeries in the next 2 months but they should make his life safer and more comfortable.

For the first 2 days of his hospitalization I made excellent food choices.  To be honest I had no appetite but I knew that if I did not keep myself strong that I could do no good for him.  Then I had the infamous bite of pie and it all went downhill QUICKLY.  The sad thing is that the food didn’t really taste all that good but I ate it anyway.  That all changes now.  I know it is going to take a long time but I just need to put one foot in front of another and keep moving forward.

A good friend of mine provides great motivation.  She nearly lost her son nine years ago and although his life is no longer in constant danger he still requires daily treatments that have prevented her from getting a full-night’s sleep since he has been born.  I am not kidding, she has not slept through the night in 9 years!  Add to that 2 other kids and a husband I would have kicked to the curb a long time ago but she still finds the time and energy to make healthy choices.  She stopped by our house this weekend when we got out of the hospital and she looks fantastic.  She gets up at 4:50 every morning and works out before school.  I saw her this time last year and she was probably a size 20 and I would guess now she’s an 8/10.  Slow and steady wins the race, I just need to remember that.

So the plan for this week is to make it through.  I know I am not going to be in my complete routine until after the baby has his first surgery.  But I am going to stay away from the bad carbs and workout in my classroom at least Tuesday and Thursday this week.  Wednesday my son has physical therapy and Fridays he cannot stay late at the sitter.  I will also fit in one workout over the weekend.

I had better log off so I can get my workout clothes ready as well as my food for tomorrow.  Planning ahead for me is essential, there isn’t enough time in the morning to get things put together.

Brandie

We are still in the hospital although we are out of the ICU and he is breathing on his own.  There are some more tests to do today but someone let it slip that we might get to go home today!!!  Although he is still a sick kid and will always be his current problems seem to be under control.

Unfortunately I can’t say the same about my eating.  I did good for the 1st 2 days but then had 1 tiny bite of my husband’s pie and it all went downhill from there.  The good news is except for last night (my mom came to sit with Kyle and we went out to eat) I haven’t gone crazy, I have just eaten sandwiches and a bag of chips as well as some candy my friend brought.  And the sad thing is I didn’t even enjoy the food all that much.  It’s just that I was sick of eating salads for every lunch/supper and scrambled eggs for breakfast.

I did miss exercising a ton and now I know that while he is in the hospital we have access to the local field house (it’s a college hospital).  My mother-in-law is bringing my tennies down today in case we stay here longer but in the future, because I know there will be more visits, I will know to bring workout gear with me so I can keep up the exercise.

I do realize that I need to keep things in perspective and poor eating for 3-4 days is not going to sink me for the rest of my life.  We just need to get back on the program as soon as things settle down at home and view this as a time when life’s events took things beyond our control.  The important thing is my son is alive and we’re going home soon.

My son is in the hospital.  He had a siezure this morning and quit breathing.  At our local hospital it seemed like he might not make it but now that we are at the Children’s Hospital they are much more positive.  They are doing an EEG now to monitor his brain waves and plan to keep him for 2-3 days to make sure that he’s going to be ok.

Amazingly, though, I have no desire to throw in the towel and use this as an excuse to eat, at least not yet.  We just had some supper and I ate a salad with something similar to a fruit and yogurt parfait.  Normally I would not have eaten the fruit and yogurt but I figured I need to cut myself a little slack while we’re here, it’s much better than cookies.

So if I don’t post for a while that’s why.  I am going to make every effort to eat in a healthy manner even if it’s not 100% lo-carb.

Today is kind of a blah day.  I worked out this morning with one of the new Firm DVD’s and it kicked my butt.  I’m really hoping it’s going to workout in my classroom after school because I can see if I do these DVD’s every day that it’s going to make a huge difference.  Once school starts I also plan to do 30 minutes of “Pilates on the Ball” in the morning.  The last time I lost a bunch of weight and inches I did this routine and it really worked for me.  Doing the ab work in the morning got me focused and helped me to stay on the diet since I had already exercised.  And working out after school also helped because it kept me busy during the time I really like to snack.  We get out of school at 2:30 which is fantastic but that leaves a lot of time in the evenings to snack.  I need to officially devise my plan so I know which days I’m doing which workout.  I know it sounds anal but things work best for me when they are automatic, if I have to think about what I’m going to eat or how I’m going to workout then it opens the door to say “maybe today will be the day I rest” or “maybe today I’ll give myself a treat” and before you know it I’m skipping workouts left and right as well as eating chocolate chip cookies by the dozen.

My hubby is making a yummy chicken dish for supper tonight and I’ll add some tomatoes and cucumbers on the side.  I know tomatoes aren’t the most lo-carb foods out there but they are so good right now and fresh from the garden.  Plus, I figure it’s better for me than eating green beans with butter or a salad with dressing. 

Tomorrow is the last day before school starts and I have a pedicure scheduled.  I need to make sure I relax and enjoy it instead of worrying about what I could be accomplishing if I was at home.  I know, I’m trying to learn how to relax.

I am still amazed at the transformation my hubby has made.  He is still staying on the plan and although he hasn’t weighed himself in a while (I don’t know how he resists) I can tell by looking at him that he has lost weight.  Anyway, we were trying new recipes and one included spinach.  Not only did he eat it, he said he liked it.  Without knowing him you have no idea what a major change this is.  Before this, the only veggies I have EVER seen him eat are corn and lettuce.  Then, to top it off, when I found a gift certificate for a free pie at a local restaurant he suggested that we give it to his sister.  You could have knocked me over with a feather.

As for me I had a good day as well.  I ate according to plan and did a cardio workout with my new Firm DVD’s.  Tomorrow I’m excited to try out one of the workouts that use weights.  I always think that working out with weights is so much more fun and the time goes by much more quickly.

Tomorrow I plan to get a few more chores done because school starts on Wednesday.  I’m going to bust my butt tomorrow so I can enjoy Tuesday.  I have a pedicure scheduled for Tuesday and hopefully it will be sunny here so I can go to the pool one last time.  The kids are starting back at the sitter full-time so it should be a relaxing day.

Well, the baby is starting to fuss a bit like he’s getting tired (I can only hope).  We lucked out today because he slept 12 hours last night and took a 3 hour nap today.  I am keeping my fingers crossed that this good sleeping pattern will continue when school starts.  There was a while last spring that he was only sleeping 2 hours a night (insomnia is a symptom of his disease).  God knows we deserve it.

I think I am becoming compulsive about exercise.  I have always enjoyed being active (I know I am lucky in that respect) so working out is not a chore to me but something I get to do.  Plus, it is one of the few times in my day that I get to be by myself without anyone demanding anything from me.  Typically, though, I take Sundays off.  This morning, however, I felt driven to workout.  Basically, I was afraid that if I didn’t do something that I would have a hard time sticking to my eating plan.  This is a realistic fear because it has happened in the past. 

Maybe I’m replacing one obsession (food) with another (exercise).  I know it is a better compulsion to have but I also realize that it isn’t good for me to feel like I can’t miss a day OR that I can’t control myself if I do miss a day.  This is something I will need to work on.

On a great note I’m down to 282.5.  This is great because yesterday morning I was at 285.  I know I didn’t lose 2.5 pounds in one day and this confirms to me that I should only weigh myself once a week.  I’m going to move my scale out of the bathroom today so it’s not so handy and set a goal to only weigh myself on Sundays.  Eventually I would like to get to a point where I am only weighing myself 1 or 2 times a month but for now I’m going to conquer only checking once a week.

Today was the bridal shower and I made it through only eating healthy foods.  I debated all morning long about if I was going to allow myself to eat the cake.  I exercised 1st thing this morning and was planning to take healthy snacks in case the food wasn’t on my plan.  As I have learned, life with kids doesn’t always go as planned.  We were 30 minutes late getting out the door and I truly forgot about my snacks until I was about 20 miles from home.  Fortnately they had an egg dish for the meal and there wasn’t a cake in sight.  Knowing I had only allowed myself to eat cake (if anything) I passed by the cinnamon rolls, fruit and donuts without a 2nd look (ok, without a 3rd look :)  Then, after gifts were opened, they brought out the cake.  I was actually going to have a piece but all of the people at my table said no so due to positive peer pressure I also turned it down.

I know it would not have been the end of the world if I had eaten it but I am so proud of myself that I made the proper choice.  And my FIRM DVD’s came in the mail today, maybe a “Way to go” message from God and the US Postal Service.  I know my weight might still be up a bit this week but I am feeling re-energized and motivated again.

It’s amazing to me that even in this anonymous community that I feel that I need to lie about my eating.  The other day when I ‘fessed to the apple crisp incident I was all proud of myself but neglected to mention that I had a SuzyQ when we got home.  It wasn’t that I forgot, it was a conscious decision to omit the information.  Why???  Because it showed that I was not able to eat one “bad” thing and then get back on the program, I went back to my old ways of once the diet is blown for the day to just eat whatever I wanted.

Fast-forward to today.  Fortunately I was able to get back on the program beginning Wednesday morning and Thursday was good, too.  This morning I wasn’t able to exercise because the baby got up early and I chose to get up with him instead of having my husband take care of him while I exercised.  No big deal, I needed to mow the lawn today (didn’t get it done yesterday) so that would be my exercise.  But for some reason, possibly the fact that I didn’t get the good feelings associated with exercise, I was very emotional and weepy this morning.  After my husband got up and the baby was back in bed we crawled back into bed and just cuddled.  Later in the day I was all alone in the house and decided to eat not 1 but 2 SuzyQ’s.  I knew as I was putting them in my mouth that it was not what I really needed and that it was emotional eating but I didn’t care.

 So that is my full confession.  I have now cut the grass and we are grilling out tonight so the food will be healthy.  My obstacle tomorrow will be that I have a bridal shower to go to where there will of course be a ton of food.  Secretly I wonder if I sabotaged myself today so that if I go off the wagon tomorrow that it will be easier not to blame myself.  I had already told myself that I will only eat healthy foods with the exception being the cake.  If the cake is white with the buttercream frosting I will have 1 piece, it is my absolute favorite.  I haven’t decided if I am going to allow myself the cake based on today’s eating.  My head knows that I should not allow myself one bite of anything loaded with sugar but I am afraid that I won’t be able to do it.  Admitting to myself that I can’t do something is very hard for me to do.

My number 1 goal for tomorrow is to exercise before the shower.  That way if I do choose not to eat cake I will be much more likely to follow through.  But no matter what happens it will be my choice, I will either CHOOSE to eat the cake or not, it won’t just happen.

I am officially going crazy.  I had to work registration yesterday so I didn’t get home until 7:30.  I had eaten supper at school and ate the healthy snacks I brought.  When I got home for some reason I had a huge craving for a Quaker Oatmeal Squares, a cereal that my son eats.  I love this cereal.  Unfortunately, although it has a bunch of good nutrients it also has a ton of carbs so they are off limits.  I successfully resisted the urge to eat a bowl but I had a dream last night that I ate a huge bowl with lots of extra sugar.  While I was dreaming (and of course thinking it was reality) I was disgusted with myself.  When the alarm went off I was so relieved to find out it was only a dream.  Weird, huh?  But I now know that when this box is gone we are going to find a new kind of cereal for my son because it’s too much of a temptation for me.

I’m planning that today should be a good day.  I woke up at 6am as planned and worked out to Core Secrets.  I have eaten 2 hard boiled eggs and have taken my vitamin.  The kids will go to the sitter and hubby and I will cross some more items off our To Do list including cutting the grass which will be extra exercise for me.  We already have a pork roast in the crockpot for tonight so eating shouldn’t be a problem.

My biggest gripe right now is that I am STILL waiting for my new Firm DVD’s.  I ordered them a week ago Sunday and got the free Express Shipping option.  I expected that I would have them within a few days but now I think we’re on day 10 and I still don’t have them.  I suppose it’s really not a huge deal because I have other things I can exercise with but I want my new stuff.  Apparently patience is not a virtue that I possess.