It’s all up to me

A lot has happened in the last few weeks.  Last Saturday my SIL called about my FIL, stating that the doctors have said it was time to call in the family.  My hubby still hadn’t seen him since the summer of 2006 and after a lot of discussion he decided this wasn’t going to make him go.  I decided, however, that I was going to take our oldest son so he and I went down.  Fortunately, by the time we got there he had improved a bit and it was no longer imminent that he was going to die.  Before Justin and I left my FIL’s wife pulled me aside and said that Phil (my FIL) wanted to see my hubby.  I told her the fact that Phil asked to see him would make a big difference. 

When I told my hubby he couldn’t believe that his dad actually asked to see him.  How sad that you have to be surprised that your dad would want to see you but I completely understand his reaction b/c I couldn’t believe that he had asked, either.  On Wednesday of this week we went back down to the hospital b/c there was a meeting w/the medical team to go over options.  Conversation was strained and I filled in the gaps (a lot of football and baseball talk) but it was cordial.  Last night the 3 of us went back down and it’s a bit less strained than Wednesday.  My FIL is improving and it’s no longer a given that he’s going to die.  I’m not going to even think yet about the family being completely back together but we are definitely taking steps in the right direction.  I am sooooo hopeful that things can be repaired.

Weight-wise things are still moving along.  I had to miss my WW weigh-in this week b/c we went to the hospital but last week I weighed in at 195 and made my 5%.  I also found out this week that my 20th high school reunion has been scheduled for mid-July so can you say MOTIVATION?????  My goal is to lose 30 pounds by then.  It’s going to take some work but I don’t feel that 30 pounds in 4 months is unrealistic.

Patti, if you still can’t post messages (I’m guessing you can’t b/c I can’t post to you either) get in touch w/me via my email:  brseay@hotmail.com  I have so much I want to “say” to you and haven’t been able to find your email address in my stuff.

There is something goofy w/the website, at least my portion of it.  Patty, I am still here and have tried to post comments to your blog but it won’t let me.  I’ll keep trying but hopefully you’ll see this message sometime.

Weightloss is going well, I’m down 12.8 since the end of January.  I hit my 5% goal at WW and I’m excited that it will keep on comin’.  Since we’re doing it together at work it makes for a supportive atmostphere.

Things are still going well, at least on the diet/exercise front.  I have officially lost 9.8 pounds since I joined WW.  I was really hoping for that extra .2 this week b/c I would have hit my 10 pound star AND 5% lost but at least it gives me something to look forward to for next week.  What I’m most excited about, though, isn’t the weight loss but a feeling of confidence.  We had a nurse last night and my hubby and I went out to dinner.  Generally he lets me pick the restaurant so I can pick somewhere “safe” but last night he really wanted to hit a big buffet we have in town.  It has a lot of seafood and he has been craving it for a while.  He NEVER voices an opinion so for him to ask this I knew he really wanted it so I said ok.  I started w/a big plate of salad, then went back to the buffet and got some steamed broccoli, green beans and several different types of protein.  I tried a piece of porkchop but didn’t eat any more b/c it was dry.  In the past I would have eaten it anyway.  Took a bite of one kind of fish, didn’t eat much more b/c the batter was too greasy.  I did have 2 pieces of dessert but it’s not a stretch to say in the past I would have had 4 or 5.  I was full, but not stuffed, and this morning I jumped on the scale and there wasn’t the usual 3-4 pound gain (real weight and water weight from carbs) that I would normally have after a night out.

I’m not cocky enough to say I have this figured out b/c I know I don’t, but I’m starting to realize that I can be successful w/o 100% control over the situation and that is a HUGE step for me.

On the not-so-good side of things, my SIL contacted me today to let me know my FIL is not well.  It’s not worth going into details but about 5 years ago my hubby decided to cut ties w/his dad.  I understand his reasons and support them but every now and again we talk about it to see if it’s worth giving things a try yet again.  We have reached out in the past only to be rejected–it’s very complicated.  A couple of years ago my FIL had a heart attack and my hubby decided not to visit him, partly b/c we were truly worried that if we showed up at the hospital that we’d give him another heart attack.  My own dad had just died and I was very worried that if my FIL died that my hubby would later regret not trying one more time to patch things up.  My hubby was able to acknowledge that there may be a time in the future that he would have regrets but at that he wasn’t going to visit.  Fortunately my FIL rebounded but things sound very serious again.

The hard part is I don’t know what is right.  I do worry that my hubby is going to have regrets in the future, but is it right or worth it to visit at the end when there hasn’t been a relationship for 5-7 years and the small bit of contact that has been made has been pretty ugly?  If I knew it would simply be a final time to say goodbye I would encourage the visit more but I truly worry it would be one last time for my FIL to blame my hubby for things he didn’t do.  Knowing how hard it was for me after my dad died when we had a wonderful relationship and no regrets I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to have an awful last memory.

I know there are no answers out there, I just needed a place to vent and I just got done reading her email.  My guess is he won’t visit, nor would we go to the funeral if there is one.  I just don’t know what to do.  I’ll keep you all posted.

Last week when I weighed in @ WW I was planning for a gain.  I ate a bit more than I normally do and it was PMS so I was retaining water.  Anything up to a 1 pound gain was going to be ok.  Imagine my surprise when I saw a LOSS of 1.2!!  My official weight was 199.something (I can’t remember the details right now).  Holy crap!  My goal for this week is to lose 2.4 which would put me at 10 pounds lost and my 5% goal.  When I reach this milestone I’m going to buy myself one of those new gel nailpolishes that are supposed to stay on for 2 weeks.

I also went to a zumba class last week.  It was fun but I won’t say I loved it.  I generally like things that are more intense but maybe it will be good for me to do something that is different.  I did feel it in my obliques the next day so I know it was good for me.  I love the time (3:30, right after school) and several of my friends from school go to that class so I will continue to do it, at least for a while.  I’m going to buy a 10-class punch card, I’ll see if I want to keep going after I have used that up.

I’m hopeful that my kickboxing place will add a 3:30 class.  If they do, I’ll rejoin during the next session that starts @ the end of March.  This would be so ideal for me b/c I’m happy w/my weights program at home but I need someone to up my intensity w/my cardio b/c I don’t do it for myself.  Plus, I miss punching things

I continue to be extremely please with how well weight watchers is going.  I always knew it was a good program but doing it with friends from work is the key for me b/c we’re keeping each other on track.  I decided to go for it and wore the size 12 jeans yesterday.  Granted, there was a bit of a muffin top but I had no problem sitting or breathing.  On Fridays it’s school spirit day so we can wear jeans and a school t-shirt/sweatshirt.  I just grabbed a t-shirt that’s a bit baggier so the muffin top couldn’t be seen and went with it.  Then, when we went out to dinner last night I wore the same jeans to remind myself that my hard work is paying off and that I should stick to the plan.  We went for Mexican and I made my hubby move the chips to his side of the table.  I checked the website prior to going and knew they had a light menu and stuck to that.  The only glitch was that I ordered a diet mountain dew and I’m almost positive she brought me a regular one.  She wasn’t the world’s best waitress b/c she barely came around so instead of getting a different soda I just asked her to bring me some water.  Plus, my hubby never got a refill on his soda so he drank mine :)  And as a reward I dipped below 200 again this morning (198.6!!!)

There are still 2 challenges on the horizon before my next weigh-in on Wednesday but the more I do this the more I realize that I CAN do this.  Tomorrow I’m at an all day thing at my mom’s.  I know what she’s making for the meal and it is not healthy.  I asked if I could simply bring my own food and she didn’t care.  I’m also going to bring some healthy snacks and a ww dessert.

Monday we have inservice at school which means going out for lunch.  With there being 3 of us in our group who are doing weight watchers we have it narrowed down to 2 restaurants and both have options that work.  We will keep each other honest.

Things are still going well.  I’m really liking weight watchers, especially the fact that I have more variety in my diet than I have in the past.  I still tend to eat the same breakfast and lunch, partly b/c I know the points ahead of time but mostly b/c I just really, really, really like what I have for these meals.

Workout-wise things are also on the right track.  I’m in the 2nd month of the Cathe Friederich STS series and I like it better than the first month.  The weights are heavier and the reps are lower.  I do have a love/hate relationship w/the leg workout (I just did it this morning) but I know it will make good things happen in the long run.  Just a note, though:  one legged elevated lunges are the devil!

My friends are enjoying WW as well so I’m hopeful that I will have their support for quite a while.  I had to miss last week’s meeting b/c my hubby was sick and I didn’t want him to be around the kids and pass on his germs but I stuck to plan w/o the meeting.  I’m hoping to get my 5 lb star this week.  And even though I’m still hovering slightly over 200 pounds my size is shrinking.  Last summer my lowest weight was 191 but I was pretty established in my size 16 jeans.  Now my 14’s are loose-ish and I actually was able to button and zip my size 12s–even w/o laying down on the bed!!!!  I considered actually wearing them but then realized that  I needed to be able to breathe and didn’t need a jumbo muffin-top :)  All in all, though, things are moving in the right direction.

I know I haven’t been on here for a while but things are going well.  Three of my friends from school and I have joined weight watchers and I’m loving it.  It’s not that there’s anything magical w/weight watchers, although I like the program, but it’s the fact that we’re all doing it together.  Group support is so important to me (which is why I love this site) and I hope we’ll all be good for each other.  I know that one of my friends for sure is in it for the long haul and I think the other 2 are pretty committed, too.  That’s critical b/c as long as they’re all doing it I will continue to do it but as soon as they quit paying attention to points, eating junk food, etc. I know they’ll quit going to meetings and my support will be gone.  Oh well, I’ll worry about that if it happens.

I’m also going to try zumba.  A new healthclub has opened in town and it has a zumba class 1 day a week right after school.  Several of us are going to go which again, will be fun b/c I like group things.  Otherwise I’m weightlifting at home, using the treadmill, doing TurboFire, etc.  I have a goal of wearing a size 10 dress that’s hanging in my closet for graduation, I’m a 14 right now.  I know it’s doable but I need to get moving!

The 17-day diet is on hold.  Partly b/c I got sick last night and partly b/c I am sick, sick, sick of chicken and veggies.  I am essentially going to move onto the 2nd phase w/o completing the 1st but ultimately plan to create my own hybrid.  I’m glad I did the full 10 days but I’m not going to continue exactly as planned.

Today was a strange day and started out with something I hope I never have to do again.  Days before Christmas I had to file a child abuse report for one of my students.  Allegations of sexual abuse.  Today, the DHS worker and police officer showed up to take my statement.  I have filed dozens of reports over my career (sadly) but I have never had one pursued criminally.  I feel so badly for this girl and I hope the perpetrator pleads guilty so she can be spared a trial and selfishly so I don’t have to testify.  Ick.

Major snowstorm headed our way–I’ll be surprised if we have school tomorrow.  If we don’t that will give me time to catch up on some blogs and create my custom eating plan

Today I’m struggling but holding strong.  Again, it’s b/c of a change in my routine.  Nothing major, but instead of being able to workout right after school I had to take the dog to the groomer.  I did do a quick 20 minute interval workout and hoped to hit the treadmill later tonight but the 2nd workout didn’t happen.  We had more snow and my hubby had to spend quite a bit of time snowblowing the driveway.  Oh well, I need to remind myself that the 20 minute HIIT workout was intense and that needs to be ok.

I didn’t post yesterday b/c we had company but I am so proud to say that I stayed on plan!!!!  I truly cannot remember the last time that I didn’t have a free day on Sunday and I’m amazed that it wasn’t that tough.  I’m going to enjoy this feeling b/c I know the mental portion is the most important and I know it can change on a dime.  But I also know that I am making the choices to put myself in this position and that I have worked hard for this.

I’m really excited to see where I am next week.  I don’t know if it’s realistic or not but I’d love to be down another 5 by next Sunday.  I started at 209 last Sunday, saw 201.6 this Sunday.  A ton of it is water weight but given the fact that I have gained a lot recently over the holidays I know it comes off quickly.  I am actually going to hide my scale until Sunday so I can focus on my behavior and not let the scale derail me.

On a completely unrelated note, my mom (that was our company from last night) had a session w/a medium today.  I was so hoping that my dad would come through and he did!!!  He told her that it’s ok if she moves on and that in fact he wants her to.  She just recently took off her wedding rings (it took 4 attempts to actually keep them off) and has a “friend” but I know she feels guilty about it.  She was with my dad for nearly 40 years, I can’t imagine how weird it must be to think about dating again, but she’s way too young to be along for the rest of her life (she’s 62).  I know some of you may be suspicious that this guy is a quack (and I do believe that some are fakes) but through my own experiences and experiences of people I have known I can say he truly has a gift.