Because I said so

First of all… Happy Harry Potter Day! I should be at a movie theater right now.. but instead, I’m at work, grumbling about responsibility.

Bleh.  Argh.  Phoey.

Weigh in this morning was 264.6 lbs.  On the bright side, it was higher than that yesterday.  On the other bright side, TOM showed up… so I know why the extra weight is digging it’s fingernails into me and holding on tight.  I’m so freaking sick of gaining and losing these same pounds.  I want the number to go down.  I know I could be working harder to get it to go down.. but this week, there was no stopping it. When TOM comes into town, those pounds show up and hang on for at least a week.  It’s all temporary. It’s just water. It’s not the icecream I ate for dessert last night because I couldn’t help myself. It’s not the extra cheese on the chilli dogs that we had for dinner, or the fact that I didn’t exercise yesterday.  (I hate that dripping sarcasm doesn’t come across in text very well.. because I am OBVIOUSLY being sarcastic. I know that only about half those pounds are TOM’s fault, and the other half are my own.)

This weight loss journey is so freaking typical that I have to laugh at myself.  That first 90 day whoosh really gets your blood pumping.  Makes you think that you can do anything.  Shows you what success can feel like and makes you want it even more.  So why is the second 90 days so flipping hard???? Why is it that the first three months it seemed so easy and now it’s near impossible?  Isn’t this why I’ve given up every time I’ve done this before?  Isn’t this the exact reason why I’m bigger now than I was when I started my weight loss journey last time?  Isn’t this exactly why I gained all that weight back plus another 40 pounds?  Because it got freaking hard!  And I’m freaking weak!  I know this.  I know I have to bully myself into doing it anyway, but I feel so alone sometimes, even when I’m far from alone.  This journey is not going to be fun every day. It’s not going to be roses. I know that.  So why am I falling into the depression trap when I even prepared myself for this to happen?

Because I’m allowing myself to be weak.  Because I’m allowing myself to make excuses.  Because my co-dependent nature is begging someone else to do the work for me.  Because I want it to be simple and as easy as someone else figuring out all the details and putting them in front of my face and saying “eat this” and “do that” and all my problems will be solved.  But that’s not reality.  And even though I know this about myself… I can’t seem to stop myself from heading down that road anyway.  This is the part where I have the choice to say it’s probably my bi-polar talking right now.  That it’s probably because of the struggles I go through managing this disease that it makes things like weight loss that much harder.  And if I asked my doctor, he’d validate those concerns.  He would tell me that I am absolutely right that being bi-polar will mean that the struggle will be more difficult for me sometimes than it is for others.  But that doesn’t mean I get to use it as a crutch or as an excuse not to try.  That I if I truly want to get better.. if I truly want to manage my disease and be able to say that I’m living with bi-polar instead of that I have bi-polar, I need to suck up those crappy feelings and that inner voice that is trying to take over, and do it anyway. It’s not supposed to be comfortable.  It’s supposed to be work.  If it was easy, everyone would be both physically AND mentally healthy.

So today, instead of being defeated by having to lose those same few pounds all over again… I’m going to focus on each decision, one at a time, and make sure it’s the right one.  And pretty soon, no matter what the scale says this morning, those right decisions are going to add up to a positive change in my health.  After enough positive changes in my health, that number on the scale will have no choice but to go down.

I guess yesterday went okay.  Because I ran so late yesterday, my breakfast was more of an early lunch, so I never actually ended up eating lunch. At about 2:30 or 3:00 in the afternoon, I started feeling like I should probably eat something, so I snacked on some whole peanuts and then ate some trail mix that I had purchased.  It was this cranberry and mixed nuts blend, which was really delicious, but I was shocked to find out afterward how many calories it actually was.  I forget how much is in nuts, I think.  Still.. good calories, I suppose, so I didn’t give myself too much of a hard time about it.

It was so nice outside it was actually too cool to justify swimming, so mom and I ended up taking the neighborhood walk (3.5 miles) for the first time in a really long time.  My body knew it had been a long time, too.  It was difficult and I got winded, and I even fell once! OMG!  I tripped over my own feet.. like I had forgotten how to walk at that pace.  What a mess!  I finished the whole thing within the hour (barely) so I was able to keep up the pace.. but stretching afterward showed me how much flexibility I had lost just from doing another form of exercise for a while.  It’s strange to feel like I had conditioned myself for walking for so long and just a month of swimming has ruined that conditioning.  This week is supposed to stay around 80 degrees for the whole week, so I’m going to take advantage of the chance to get some walking in and try to get used to it again.  I’d been seriously deficient on the miles anyway.

Dinner was fabulously nutritious and I brought the leftovers for lunch today.  I crashed as soon as I got home again… 9:00 p.m. I was unconscious.  I slept til 8:00 a.m. and was still tired.  I don’t know what’s up with me lately.. I think the sleeping thing is really messing me up.  I know that my sleep over the weekend sucked, but I feel like it’s been getting harder and harder to wake up on time in the mornings.  It’s making me later for work and it’s lucky that my boss is flexible about that.  I just feel like there’s no reason for it to keep happening, especially when I went to bed so early… so I’m not sure if I’m fighting depression or what, but the sleeping thing is really throwing off my routine.  Listen to me.. first I complained that I wasn’t getting enough sleep.. now it’s too much?  I just think that regulating my sleep pattern is important and I need to figure out how.

My back is still a bit sore today, though not as bad as yesterday.  My knee hurts from when I tripped on my walk yesterday, but I knew that it would bruise. I’m lucky it’s not worse.  Today, I’m focusing on staying with the routine.. keeping on track.  Not snacking all day.. drinking my water.  I need to get back down to last Friday’s weight if I want to show progress in the right direction.  This morning it was 262.4 and fluctuating.  I need to see the number go down and hold steady.  I joined a couple of informal challenges on the message board to keep myself on track.  There’s less pressure there than with the Top Loser program.  And I want a longer term goal to set my sights on anyway.

It’s been a bit better of a day than yesterday so far.. but I spent the whole morning in a staff meeting and the day isn’t over yet.  Here’s hoping that the after-lunch schedule doesn’t wreak havoc on my stress level, and that the evening goes better than last night.

Monday isn’t off to a great start.

I had a fairly lazy weekend which was punctuated by the fact that my lower back has been aching something fierce the last few days.  I am not sure if I did something to pain it, if it’s a result of a lack of stretching and/or exercising of it, or if I just slept on it wrong and haven’t recovered.  Fact is, I’ve been in a sort of sedentary state most of the weekend because of it. Friday night, instead of exercising after work like usual, family came over so we had kind of a party with lots of food, and I just sat and visited with family and drank wine and ate too much.  I went to a birthday party on Saturday for a neighbor’s little girl and spent a lot of the time just hanging out with the kids.  I enjoyed myself, but it was stressful.  And of course there were burgers and potato salad and cake and icecream and beer to contend with.  Sunday, I spent resting until late afternoon/early evening and then I took the kids outside to the pool for a while, which really grates on my nerves because there’s some kids that make even swimming stressful for me.  Kids play rough or they fight and I feel like a referee and I hate being put in that position.  I’m not good at stepping into the role of authority figure for other people’s children.  So I spent about 2 hours trying to keep a close rein on my own, which wasn’t that much fun for either of us.  Eating patters were a big mess, and it was mostly leftover junk that ended up being eaten all day long.  And of course with all that, there wouldn’t be time to exercise, would there?

I spent both weekend nights staying up way too late, and feel like I didn’t get nearly enough sleep overall.  And of course, due to a couple of days of celebrating… my food has been crap all weekend and I haven’t really gotten any exercise, so I’m back up almost 4 pounds from the indulgences. Not that I don’t deserve it, honestly, but I’m kind of tired of the yo-yo.  If I weren’t having to weigh myself every day for this stupid Top Loser thing, I wouldn’t have to deal with those numbers and be frustrated with every fluctuation.  I’ll be glad when I can go back to weighing in once a week, max.

I woke up late this morning, still suffering from the back ache, and found that the laundry I had asked David to switch over from the washer to the dryer was still in the washing machine.  So my work clothes weren’t dry.  So now I’m sleep deprived, already running late, suffering from an aching back and my work clothes are still wet and have been sitting in the washer all night.  Great start to a morning… right?  I sent my boss an e-mail letting him know I was running very slow this morning, and just took my time moving the clothes to the dryer, looking for something semi-decent to wear, making coffee, and giving myself ample time to move around the house while waiting for some motrin to kick in.

Finally made it to work a couple hours later, only to find out as soon as I get there that my co-worker, probably thinking she was helping, talked to one of my clients about their application and probably confused the heck out of them because she didn’t know the whole story, and then sent me an e-mail after the fact to tell me what she’d told them, which is not the information they should have been given. So now I have to call them back and fix that mess… and the motrin isn’t really working, so I’m incredibly uncomfortable at my desk at the moment.

If it weren’t for the fact that I really want to take Friday off… I would probably have just stayed home today.

Weight check: 260 Lbs. (down 1 pound from yesterday).  Overall - down almost 7 pounds from the beginning of the week thanks to the binging and water weight.   I’m basically back down to where I was before the binge, not quite to the lowest weigh in I had before, but close enough that I think I’m truly back on track.  I just need to keep working at it.

I had previously been recording my weight every Monday because I thought it would keep me on my best behavior over the weekend.  What I decided is that I’m probably going to be more disappointed in my Monday number because the weekend is when I’m least likely to behave, even though I might intend to.  The routine isn’t there on weekends.  I’m not working all day, away from my house, only able to take a lunch break, having food that was prepared especially healthy to take with me and an exercise partner to make me exercise every day after work.  I’m counting on myself to cook the right food and find time to exercise, even when Summer weekends are times to take trips and play with kids and NOT have a schedule.

So I’m going to weigh in on Friday because I believe that my weekends should be allowed to have less structure.  That probably means that I’m giving myself too much leeway to make mistakes.  But the fact is.. if I’m going to make this a lifestyle change, I’m going to have to do things that I can live with.  If I can live with being structured throughout the week, it’s because I know I can have less structure (not NONE, but less) on the weekends.  That’s what they are for. 48 straight hours of family time.  No job to get in the way.  And I won’t be one of those people that forced myself to set aside my “healthy” food and eat that while everyone else eats something else.  I won’t be the person who says, “sorry baby, we can’t play with your barbies right now because I have to go exercise.”  We can find other ways to be healthier together… barbecue some turkey burgers and grill some veggies instead of french fries and barbecued steak. We can play in the pool and swim instead of playing video games.  We can go to the park with cold bottles of water and fresh fruit for a picnic snack instead of buying soda and icecream from the cart that drives by.  Good choices are still available, even if I’m not following the same plan I follow during the week.

So now, it’s a matter of actually making that happen rather than just talking about it.  I’m great at talking about it.  Not always so great about doing it.  Something happens, or I’m on a down cycle and end up sleeping half the day and watching TV the other half… and those weekends are very hard.  I came home from work, did my usual hour in the pool with mom, and realized I put less effort into it yesterday than earlier in the week.  I felt lethargic.. even though I’d been doing good about being on plan throughout the week, but when I got home, I crashed right away.  I literally fell asleep as soon as I got home and slept for almost 12 hours last night.  When I woke up this morning, I still felt tired.  I know too much sleep can make you tired, too, but I’m not sure what my body is doing right now.  I want to find the happy medium.  I just haven’t found it yet. Now that I’ve got a month til the final weigh in and I have a bit of pressure to do well off my shoulders, maybe a weekend of recuperation will help me regulate whatever is off right now.  Here’s hoping the weekend goes well.

Weight Check: 261.0 Lbs. Down 4.4 lbs from yesterday.  Water weight is pretty much gone. Thank goodness.

I went to the 2nd Top Loser weigh in this morning and the scale read 263.6 on their scale.  It had been 271.4 on Tuesday.  So she literally jumped out of her chair and hugged me she was so happy to see what 2 days on plan did to reverse the last few weeks. Nevermind the fact that I knew that it would be like that.  I knew it was water weight. I knew my binge on junk and alcohol over the weekend had caused it.  I expected to see it go down in the next couple days.  She was acting like I’d just spent the last month kicking my own butt to work those pounds off.  I’m not celebrating yet. I’m just glad the water weight is gone and I can get back to working off the real pounds again.

The next time I weigh in for the program is August 2nd.  It will be the final weigh in.  She told me she expects to see another chunk of weight gone.  I told her 10 pounds.  She said I’d really have to be working hard to get that number.  So we’ll see.  Now that I’m back on track, it should be a little easier to handle it.  I’m just going to be glad when this competition is over.  I realized that as much as I like having a “challenge” to keep me on track.. I’m a lot harder on myself if I don’t do well because I’m accountable to something or someone.  I know that I need to be accountable to myself, but I feel like a failure if I don’t do well when I’m competing in something.  That’s why shows like The Biggest Loser would never want a contestant like me.  I want to be the one that puts her head down and just works hard.. but I’m not there right now.  I don’t know if I’ll ever get there.. so I need to work with where I am right now instead of being frustrated with the fact that it’s not the way I wanted it to be.

So I’m in month 7 of this journey… and by this time I thought I’d be down 60 pounds and kicking butt and acting like an athlete.  I’m still only down 30 pounds (which I reached 3 months ago) and I’m fighting to maintain the loss I already have… struggling with stress and temptation.  This is where I usually give up and stop trying.  I’m not going to do that now.  I’m going to keep going.. slow and steady.. and this weight will come off.  Maybe not 100 pounds in one year.. like I wish I was capable of doing.. like I see others do and think I should be able to do. Maybe I’ll lose slower than that… but I still am going to lose.  I’m going to keep going. Because this is my life… not just a competition I’m trying to win.

Weight check: 265.4 lbs.  Down 1.2 pounds from yesterday (my scale - which is 5 pounds off from the Top Loser weigh in scale).

I’ve realized that I need to work on the little things all over again to get back into the healthy habits.  It doesn’t happen overnight.. so I need to handle one thing at a time and just work on being better every day.  Yesterday I did a great job of staying on plan all day long… almost.  I ate a healthy breakfast and a healthy lunch.  I drank lots of water.   I did 1.5 miles of walking at lunch time.  I didn’t give in to any snacking even though I got hungry by late afternoon.  I did 60 minutes of walking/dancing in the pool after work.  I ate a great dinner.  I went home to relax, knowing I’d had a wonderful day.  But then I made coffee. And I drank coffee. So I was up late.  Being up late, I got hungry again.  So I ate again.  *sigh*

Calorie wise I still did okay yesterday.  I was under 1,900 calories overall for the entire day, and with the exercise I did, that kept me within range.  I drank 135 ounces of water yesterday which was definitely within range.  But I didn’t need the coffee or the late night snack.  I didn’t need to stay up late again.  These are things I MUST work on.  I read things all the time about how much sleep can affect weight loss.  I have had trouble getting a good night’s sleep for several weeks now.  I have been up way too late, sleeping not nearly enough and sleeping badly due to the poor food choices.  These are all factors in my weight loss (or lack of weight loss to be exact).  If I had not had that cup of coffee and I had gone to bed at a decent hour last night I would not have eaten extra calories I didn’t need and I would have gotten a full night’s sleep.

I woke up today a bit groggy and out of sorts.  I know it won’t be overnight that I start feeling better for being on the right track, but I was hoping I’d be doing better today than I really am right now.  I think poor sleep and dehydration are playing a factor.  I drank lots of water yesterday, but I think it’ll take another day or two of drinking lots of water to get back to feeling better again.

Since my morning started off on the wrong foot, I didn’t end up eating any breakfast.  Bad habit that I used to have and I’ve been doing a really good job of forcing myself to eat breakfast every day since I’ve been on my weight loss journey.  If I break routine, though, it gets easy to forget or to not make time for it.  So this morning, no breakfast.  Bad. I know that.  But I have a great lunch (last night’s dinner leftovers), and I’m going to start pounding the water this afternoon.  I plan to make time to do an afternoon walk again today before work is over since I didn’t get to do one this morning… and I’m sure dinner will be another good one since I talked to dad about making sure I was extra good this week before my second weigh in.

One good decision at a time.  Just because my morning didn’t go like I planned doesn’t mean the whole day is a waste.  Back on track.. slow and steady.. and I can build back up to the success I was having before.

I spent some time updating things because it’s been a long time since I did.  I realized as I looked at everything that the less I visited the site, the less progress I was making.  I stalled and bounced between the same weight for a month.  My exercise dwindled down, for one excuse or another, to basically nothing.  I stopped tracking my eating habits, and used the excuse to just stop trying. Temporary break. I’ll get back into it eventually, right?  Well it’s now been over a month, and I just had my next weigh in with that Top Loser competition this morning.  I weighed in more this morning than my start weigh for the competition 2 months ago.  That’s how bad it’s been.  Ironically, I was down  to my lowest recorded weight so far just a week ago… and now I’m back up more than 10 pounds from that because of a horrible week of not even trying.  Do I have valid reasons for not trying?  Some would say yes, others would say there is never a valid reason for not trying.  I won’t bother going into it because it’s all excuses anyway.

Fact remains that the last month has been a downward spiral and any progress I might have made has been reversed and then some.  Based on my past week and the information that I shared with the Doctor at the Top Loser weigh in this morning, she decided that I needed a push in the right direction and told me to follow on plan for the next 2 days and come back Thursday morning to weigh in again.  She believes that I will end up losing most of the water weight that I gained over the last week and that my weight will be more realistic on Thursday.  Small blessings, I guess.

The plan is that I need to get back on plan.  I know what to do. I just need to wipe the month of June off the slate and start over today. This is my new day one.  I will take things one decision at a time, and I will make the right decisions and I will get back on track to finish this competition strong.  I might have lost my chances of winning.. but I wouldn’t lose anything by not winning, since I didn’t invest the money in the first place to join the competition.  And I still have the chance to lose more before this is over.  The final weigh in is August 2nd.  I will do the right thing, one decision at a time, until that date and I believe I can get back into this thing and see success, if not victory.

Food tracking. Exercise. WATER.

Day 143.  End of week 2 of the competition.  Horrible week from hell.  I had the worst PMS I’ve had in years, and to top it off, TOM was an entire week late.  Only showed up late last night.  I had a miserable week of just eating random stuff.. sporadic exercise because of the PMS and being in a horrible mood most of the week.  It has not been a good time.

As a result of all this - my weigh in this morning was 263.0 lbs.  I’m not surprised.  I’m also not concerned because it fluctuated back and forth all week long between 259 and 261 lbs, and I had Carl’s Jr. for dinner last night.  So, coupled with the horrible dinner (and mostly horrible week of food) and TOM finally rearing its ugly head… this morning’s weight is completely realistic and won’t stay there for long.  I personally expect to see it go down several pounds in just a couple days.  That’s what I expected last week when I thought TOM was going to show up in the next day or two.  Only since it showed up a week late, I’m doing that this week instead.  And I couldn’t go to sleep til about 2:00 this morning… not sure what happened there.  Maybe it was the fact that I had Carl’s Jr. for dinner last night (barf).

I feel like crap today.  And I have to work til lunch, then go home and have a very LONG dentist appointment.  Then, of course, I have the evening exercise routine to do.. and this week I have a lot of things to get done around the house, too, to prepare for the owner’s yearly inspection.  This is going to be a difficult week. I’m just crossing my fingers that I’ll muddle through it.

Day 136.  Today is the last day of the first week of the competition.  Tomorrow starts week 2.  So… 1 week down.. 11 more to go.

My weight this morning:  260.2 lbs.  It was down a bit from that a couple days ago, but TOM is expected in a day or two, so I’m not concerned with the slight fluctuation.  Especially since I’ve given in to one or two cravings (in moderation).  I’ll take it. Because it’s a 5.8 lb. loss from last week.

If TOM shows up in the next day or two, I’ll only be affected for the first couple of days, and by the official weigh in next Monday, my weight should be accurately down again.  I think, for the first week of the competition, I kicked its butt!

If the rest of the 11 weeks are this good, I’ll win for sure!  I doubt I’ll keep up this pace for 12 weeks straight, but I do think that if I keep the momentum going, it’ll stay moving in the right direction.  I want a minimum of 10 pounds a month for the three months of the competition.  More would be better.  But I think if I can pull off 30 pounds, I’ve got a great shot at winning this competition based on last year’s statistics.

Week 2 - I’m coming for you!

Day 133. Really good day yesterday with my food.  I came in 750 calories under goal for the day.  Amazing.  I still ate plenty of calories for the day, I just exercised more.  It’s pretty cool how much that exercise allows you a little bit of extra room in the calorie department.  If I choose not to use it, That’s a bigger deficit that will turn into more pounds lost.  This is a good thing, especially for the competition.

I have to check and record my weight every day for the next 12 weeks, in order for the physicians that oversee the program to gauge patters and notice fluctuations based on what I’m recording for food and exercise.  So I checked this morning and it was down to 261.6 lbs.  Every little bit means the official weigh in day will show a good number.  I feel like I’m off to a strong start in this first week and only hope that I can keep up the momentum.

Right now I’m doing 4 laps in about 15 minutes (just over a mile) and 9 flights of stairs.  I’ll kick it up to more flights of stairs if I have to as time goes on.  Right now, these 9 flights are kicking my butt. But I’m not going to stop.   It seems like the extra bit of exercise is a good way to pump my blood in the afternoon and fuel the rest of my work day, and it also adds a little kick to my weight loss when combined with my usual walks with mom.

One day at a time. One good decision at a time.

Day 132. Yesterday went alright overall.  I had good food yesterday, if a little more calories than usual.  But I did more exercise than usual, too.  I walked around my building 4 times (1.3 miles total) and then took 9 flights of stairs back to my office.  Then I did my usual walk with mom.  Then I had a roast beef, zucchini and corn and quinoa dinner.  And drank two glasses of wine with it, and topped it off with a light angel food/cherries dessert.  Without the wine or dessert I would probably have been significantly lower.  I could have gotten away without the quinoa too, I’m sure.  But I checked the scale this morning and it’s back down to 262… so obviously I’m doing something right.

Let’s hope it sticks.

Day 131.  So yesterday was pretty decent overall.  I started using myfitnesspal because it calculates a few things differently and I like it.  Tracking is a pain in the butt, but it’s part of the 12 week program and I need my points to stay in the competition.

I had major protein yesterday, over twice my goal for the day, and I ended up under my goal for carbs and fat both. I was also overall under my calorie goal by over 200 calories.  Good stuff.  Of course I’m calculating based on educated guesses, rather than actual info, so hopefully my actual stats are at least close to that.  If so, supposedly I will lose 2 pounds a week.  I want to lose more than that.. even though I’m not supposed to, technically.  I want to lose 10 pounds a month which is a bit more than 2 pounds a week on most months… I need to step up the exercise to do that, I think.

Yesterday I walked around my building at work 4 times.  It equated to 1.3 miles overall and took me 20 minutes.  Then I went and walked with my mom after work, too.  I think I will keep doing that.  Toying with the idea of taking stairs, too.. although I know that will be torture.  Going to try to fit Jillian’s Shred it with Weights twice a week, as well.  And do the 5 mile WATP or possibly the Biggest Loser workout on the weekends.  I haven’t decided yet.  Need to pull out my other DVDs and check the on demand menu for options, since I’m not limiting myself to just the walking goal this month.

I seem to be okay with being boring and repeating the same breakfast in the morning, which is high in protein, very low in carbs.  So lunch is going to be the main meal I need to worry about being good with.  My dinners are usually fantastic.  Last night was definitely one of those.  Grilled tilapia in cream sauce, sauteed lima beans and ginger glazed carrots.  And I have the left overs for lunch today so I already know I’m good today.  Dinner will probably be wonderful, too, knowing Dad.  I’m thinking we will go with red meat tonight because we had chicken and fish this week so far…and I know he’s going to shop and get a bunch of veggies, too.

I’m off to a strong start, I think.  If I can get over the time it takes to keep track of everything, maybe I won’t feel like I’m obsessing about this 24 hours a day.  I know I need to stay focused, but I don’t want it to be the only thing I ever think or talk about.

Day 130.  Baseline weigh in for the Top Loser was this morning.  With clothes and shoes on I weighed in at 269.6 lbs for the start of the 12 weeks.  I told them my goal was to weigh in at 240 by the end of the 12 weeks.  I talked to one of the ladies about what I’d already been doing, and I got my little bag of goodies, which included an exercise/diet journal which I will be expected to keep every day (like I don’t already do that..)  They’re offering a class on the 31st, and then the next weigh in is June 7th.  They’ll give us an opportunity to sit and talk about our progress, go over our journals with us and whatever questions we have.. things like that.

My biggest hurdle is diet.  The exercise is already a standard part of my day.  I need to keep a tight rein on my food for the next 12 weeks.  High protein, low carb. Lots of fresh veggies.  Avoid junk food.  That means no more helping the kids eat their Easter candy left overs.  That means no more treats or binges.  I have to be strict if I’m going to do this.  I want to win!

I brought leftovers from last night’s dinner for lunch today.  It’s baked chicken in marinara sauce with a bit of smoked mozzarella over brown rice.  I should get some kind of vegetable to go with it, maybe a half salad or something.  It’s a better choice than the peanut butter-filled pretzels, that’s for sure.

One day at a time, I will conquer this program and I will do my best.  One smart decision at a time.

Day 129.  Well, taking a week off has taken its toll on my body.   Weight this morning was 266 lbs.  That’s a 4 pound gain since last week.  Not surprising, since I didn’t exercise at all and I ate whatever I wanted all week long.

Tomorrow is the beginning of the Top Loser program at work and my sharp focus on that competition begins.  12 weeks of concentration and focus.  12 weeks of working hard and being super responsible with my eating and exercise.  12 weeks to possibly win $500.  So I let last week be what it was, because I knew what this week would bring.  And I’m ready for it.

Taking last week off was not necessarily a planned strategic move, but I think it was a good thing. And I think that giving myself that week will fuel me through the next few months.

Tomorrow will be the official start date.. but today is when I begin my focus.

Day 123.  Feeling lower today.  Think my stress level is too high right now to really appreciate much at the moment.  Also, I woke up with a really sore throat which hasn’t seemed to get any better throughout the course of the morning so far.  I’m thinking my body is reacting to stress and shutting down, which I hope doesn’t really put me out of commission for any length of time.

I’ve been in the mode of not really wanting to do anything the last few days, and I while I understand it, I need to not let it settle. It could throw me off and I could end up spending way too much time attempting to come back from it than necessary.  Keep looking ahead.  Keep moving forward.  Keep focused and don’t give up.

Today it’s just hard.  And that’s okay.  Hard days happen.  As long as I’m trying. Every little thing counts.  So, despite how I’m feeling, I’m going to keep trying.  I’m drinking my water, and I’m going to have a healthy lunch.  I will get through today… just like I get through every day.  One thing at a time.

Day 122.  Well I slacked off a little too much this past few days.  It seems my plan to go extra hard backfired and I ended up doing less than usual.  I didn’t blog, I didn’t track, I didn’t exercise.. and then yesterday was my May Day/late Easter celebration with family, which I completely succumbed to.  As a result, the scale was back up to 262 this morning.  My April goals are a mess.

April Goals:

100 miles in April - DONE (actual miles done: 113)
Record water and exercise daily - (not done) if you count the last few days, specifically
Record weight every Monday - DONE
Take pictures 1st of the month. - DONE
Record inches 1st of the month. - DONE
Goal weight by May 1: 260 lbs - (not done) (Actual weight May 1st: 262 lbs)

What’s happening to my resolve and my determination? What’s happening to my discipline?  What’s happening to my self control?  This is why I’ve failed in the past.  I start to slow down in my momentum and I give up when I see little to no results.  When I have a few bad days.  When it gets hard.  This is when I should be digging in my heels.  Especially now.  It’s not over.  I’m just going up hill right now.  That means I have to push harder.  My pace doesn’t have to remain the same.. if I need to go slower to get there, I can do that.  It might take longer, but that’s better than giving up on the journey altogether.  So I need to stop making such harsh goals and just keep going.  These goals were meant to push me to work hard.. not to make me feel like a failure if I didn’t reach them.  And if I’m going to be able to hang in there for the long haul I have to be gentle with myself until I can be more forgiving of my mistakes.

So for May… here we go.

Weight: 262.0 lbs (5 lbs since April 1)
Inches: 3 3/4 inches (lost since April 1)

______________________________________

Total Weight Lost: 30.6 lbs since Jan 1
Total Inches Lost: 19 in since Jan 1
Total Miles Walked: 310 miles since Jan 1

There is success this past month.. however little I may think it is… it’s there, and I’m going to celebrate it.  Because I deserve every little success I have.

I’ve lost almost 4 more inches off my body.  I’m wearing a smaller size pants.  I’ve walked so much farther than I ever have before in my life.  I am stronger.  I am more confident. I am NOT going to give up.

My goal for May is to stick to it every day.  Even when I don’t want to.  Even when it’s hard.  Just stick with it.

I’m not going to set a weight goal for the month. I’m not going to set a mileage goal for the month.  I’m just going to set the goal that I will work on it every day.  My weight will be lower next month than it is today.  My feet will have walked more miles by next month than I’ve walked today.  The number will be whatever it will be based on how much work I put into it.  And that doesn’t mean that I’m giving up just because I’m not setting specific goals this month.  It means I don’t NEED to set a goal, because the only reason to have a goal is to give yourself something to aspire to.  To beat yourself at something.  And I don’t need to beat myself anymore.  I’ve proven that I can do that already.  Now, instead of setting a number to beat.. I’m going to just see how far I can push myself when I don’t give myself a limit.

Day 119.  Today is an “I don’t care” day.  I want to care, but I’m too stressed to care.  Too stressed to care about tracking, to care about journaling, to care about exercising, to care about saying something… anything… about my day/plans/goals/life.

I’m in a bad mood today.  A very bad mood.  And my boss just about doubled my workload today.. permanently.  So today I don’t care.

I want to care that I got my tax return AND it’s payday today so my bank account is looking nicer than it ever has in my life.  But I don’t even care enough to be excited that I might get to splurge on something for myself for the first time in ages.

I want to care that I was offered a free salad so I didn’t have to buy myself something for lunch today.  But I don’t even want to eat. My stomach hurts.

I’d like to just go back to bed, please.

Day 118. Today started out a little frazzled.  I decided to dress in a nice blouse and wear my contacts instead of my glasses, and put make up on and leave my hair down and curly… these are all things I don’t normally do.  Like ever.  I was frazzled just attempting the little bit of primping that I did.  But I think the result is nice.  I felt like I needed to look good today to mirror how I feel physically.  I like the result.  It makes me feel feminine and it makes me feel like my hard work is noticeable, and whatever makes me feel good about myself can’t be wrong, can it?

Then I get to the train station and find out that something is going on there… there’s news crews and cops and they’re shuttling people over to a different station.  So I have to break my routine and go to another train station to get to work.  The train was extra full because of the shuttling of people changing the schedule a bit.  So the ride wasn’t that comfortable, because I had to stand squished next to the door.

Then I get to work and check my e-mail and I have a note from my friend that says he’s going through a nasty divorce… so I am instantly feeling horrible on his behalf, but can’t really talk to him right now because I’m at work and have to do my job.  So I just sent him a note back telling him that I was here if he wanted to talk, and now I have to try not to let that distract me while I try to get some work done.

Today I have lunch planned with a couple ladies from the office.  Other people who are kinda participating in the Top Loser competition and decided to meet up once a week to eat lunch together and talk about how we’re doing and motivate each other and that kind of thing.  We’re supposed to be doing it every Thursday, and today is the first time.  I brought a deliciously healthy lunch with me, too.  So that will be fun.  The little bit of socialization will help break the pattern I’m in at work of just staying cooped up in my cubicle all day until it’s time to go home.

Breaking routine seems to be the theme of the week.  Let’s hope that it doesn’t have a negative impact on my goals.

Day 117.  I’ve reached my mileage goal for the month… actually surpassed it now.  I hit 102.5 miles last night.  Everything I do from here til the end of the month will be gravy.  That’s NSV #1.

NSV #2… those new pants I bought just last week in a smaller size felt loose on me even after only a few hours… so this morning… I pulled out my size 20 jeans, just to try.  They slipped on without any effort whatsoever!  I’m in my size 20s!!

On the other hand, my eating hasn’t been great this week, and I think the scale is going to bounce the wrong direction if I don’t get a handle on it now. Especially since we’re doing a second Easter celebration with my family this weekend.  I’m sure there will be indulgences the day before weigh in - AGAIN.  I suppose I could weigh in a day early and just record my number on Sunday morning since I know I’m going to indulge.  I did that for my Birthday and it worked out well.  That means I have to kick it into high gear the rest of this week, still, in order to meet my goal of hitting 260 by May 1st.  I think I can do it… I just need to focus.

So here’s to focusing the rest of the week and meeting my goals!  This is the last push before May..and with any luck, I will be making goals for May that involve going to the GYM, so I have to rock the rest of this week! Wish me me strength, willpower, motivation and mostly FOCUS!

Day 116.  Well I’m one mile from my goal of walking 100 miles this month.  I’ll get that done tonight with a few more, and every mile from now on will be above and beyond my goal.  It feels good to say that.  It’s amazing to think that I started with a goal of walking 1 mile a day - 31 miles in a one month - and now I’m up to more than 100 miles.  And I’ve incorporated some weights a couple times a week on top of it.  As always, it seems like getting in my exercise is the easy part.  Finding and eating the right foods and sticking to that is always difficult.  I can do well for short bursts of time when I have a specific goal in mind, but making something stick for a long term is hard for me to do unless I find something I really like that I didn’t know I liked.

I’m still depending on my dad to make the good dinners for after our exercise.  Some nights he does an amazing job and other nights, we’re sucked into his mood swings.  When he’s feeling sorry for himself, he cooks with heavy calories and heavy carbs.  If that’s what is offered for dinner, I will eat it.  I never turn down dinner and say “I can’t eat that.” or only eat the part of it that is appropriate… I eat the dinner he cooks.  Of course, then complain that he’s sabotaging us with his meals.  Ultimately, he’s sabotaging himself because he’s letting his mood affect his food choices. That’s why he’s as heavy as he is, and why we were brought up to have this relationship with food.  I have done the same thing most of my life.  If I’m sad, I eat junk. If I’m moping I eat junk. If I’m bored I eat junk. If I’m celebrating I eat junk.  Dad taught me this.  And I am a carb junkie like he is.  So it’s too easy for me to fall into his trap of carbs when he’s cooking these delicious meals for us to eat.  I have been good most all the time with breakfast and lunch.. limited choices will do that to you.  But dinner is always an adventure.  And that adventure isn’t always a healthy one.  I’ve tried giving him cook books and ideas for healthier choices… the rest is up to me to make the choice to eat only the right stuff.

Day 115.  Yesterday was pretty much how I expected.  I didn’t do too much, overall.  I ate too many of the wrong things.  I barely drank any water.  I didn’t exercise.  And yet by the end of the day I was exhausted and ached all over.  It was a good day for the kids, though.  They had a great time Easter egg hunting and eating candy and playing games.  They got all kinds of goodies, gifts and treats.  David was in his element being surrounded by family.  I tried not to feel awkward not knowing anyone, and it seemed to go well overall. I know the kids had a blast and that’s what matters.  Next weekend we will do it again with my parents and my brother and his family, which is how our Easter usually is spent.. so I’ll feel more comfortable being in the familiar setting.  We don’t spend enough time with David’s family, though, so I can’t really complain. In all honesty, they’re pretty fantastic, and I think getting to know them would be fun.  New acquaintances are always awkward at first.  But I think it would be nice to spend more time around them. They have so many kids!  Dino and Tru were in heaven with so many playmates.  Not to mention that they have land, with lots of animals and places to explore.  Overall it was like visiting a new world for my kids, and that was fun to watch.

Diet/water/exercise were totally off yesterday like I expected.  I recorded it anyway.  And the scale this morning bounced around a bit but I’m settling on 261.8 lbs.  That’s down 0.4 lbs from last week, which is good considering yesterday’s big splurge.  The timing of it sucks for the weigh in, but down is down, right?  I’ll make up for it this week.  I need to push myself back into high gear… this past week has been slow motion thanks to TOM and I need to get my energy back and work hard.  Especially if I want to make my goal of reaching 260 by the 1st.  The silver lining of everything is that I wore my smaller size pants yesterday and by the end of the day they were feeling loose… even after eating all the goodies.

Day 114.  Not much going to get done today because we’re having an Easter celebration with family.  The kids will have a blast, which is important and we will be seeing family we don’t get to see very often.  What I know for sure, however, is that the food will be plentiful and not likely very healthy, and that I won’t be home in any time to do my normal walking miles… so I’m guessing that today will be a huge break in routine and have planned to give myself an “off” day today.  What I need to focus on, instead, is not going too overboard just because there will be things available to me.

The neighbor brought over a cake yesterday that she had made for her grandson.  She found out when he got there that he wasn’t allowed to eat it because of special dietary needs, so she cut a large piece for herself and wanted the rest out of her house so it wouldn’t tempt her.  She gives it to us because she knows we have kids.  Very sweet of her.  And I took the cake, graciously.  Lucky for her I didn’t mention that I shouldn’t have cake either.  And lucky for me the cake is covered in coconut, which makes it 100% unappealing to me.  So David and the kids have cake and I’m not even slightly tempted to eat it.

I did my 5 miles yesterday and then I Shredded with Jillian afterwards, so I got plenty of a workout yesterday despite my physical state… I’ll be glad when all signs of TOM’s visit are gone.  I can already feel my energy coming back, which is awesome.  My issues stem from having pretty bad anemia.  I’ve been to a doctor several times and all we can figure is to medicate for pain and pump up the iron intake during the week to help with symptoms of anemia that happen with such heavy blood loss.  It’s something I’ve been dealing with for years, and I cope as well as can be expected, considering.  But taking large doses of iron, even doctor recommended, has it’s own side effects that come with it.  So if it’s not one thing it’s another, and I just do what I can for the week that I deal with it. The rest of the time I’ve got it fairly under control.

My food was a little weird yesterday - I kinda did some grazing, but not all the grazing I did was healthy.  I ended up eating Quinoa, then some strawberry yogurt, then some leftover macaroni and cheese (blech!) and then some cream of wheat.  That was my food yesterday.  So freaking weird.  But I drank my water, and I got in my exercise.  And I know that today will be an off day… so I need to remain conscious of my choices because weigh in is tomorrow.

Happy Easter everyone!

Day 113.  It’s the weekend, finally, but with all the working I’ve been doing from home the last week it feels weird to be Saturday already.  And, I promised to make up for spending most of Thursday goofing off with the kids, so I’m planning to work a few hours today too.  It’s just going to be harder because the kids are going to be excited to play with me finally, and I’m going to be busy for a bit.  They seem content to watch crappy cartoons for a while, so I’m not going to bug them about it.

Last night went well overall.  After I finished my work day, I drove myself over to my parents’ house and went for my walk with mom.  While I was gone, dad made this delicious dinner, again.  Somehow there was this recipe that mixed mandarins and pineapples to make a reduction sauce that went over Halibut and steamed rice.  It was really good.  Then we put that on a bed of baby greens and added asparagus as a side.  I repeat.  It was REALLY good!

Then mom went through her closet and brought out about a dozen shirts.. these are nice ones that she bought to be able to wear to work.  Her work is fairly casual in dress code, but she usually wears nice blouses with a good pair of jeans.  She had quite a few blouses/shirts that were too big on her now that she’s lost weight, so she wanted to give them to me since they were still fairly new condition and she didn’t want to just get rid of them.  The best part was that I actually FIT in the shirts she gave me.  She’s got a bunch of jeans for me too, when I get down to a size 16.  I’m about 3 sizes away from that, but it’s nice to know she’s willing to hold onto them for me.  And I have a ton of size 18 jeans from a friend that gave them to me a couple years ago for when I get to that size.  So I just need to cover one more size down…I don’t know anyone that wears a size 20, so, I’m going to have to go with the pants I was wearing before I gained more weight last year.  I was a size 20/22 last year and had a few pairs of pants in each size.  They have mostly been in the closet because I gained so much weight last year that I had to get bigger pants.  I’ll go back down to those ones soon, and then I’ve got transition pants for a couple more sizes.  I’ll be amazed if I get down that far, because I can’t imagine being that small.  That’s size 16’s! I look at the pants mom is wearing (remember, those size 12’s she bought?) and they look so tiny.  I definitely would be amazed if I got to a size 12.  We’re talking ultimately fit and lean if I am in 12’s.

Anyway.. I got lots of new shirts/blouses yesterday which I can’t wait to wear to work.  I’ll look very nice and professional with my “new” wardrobe, so I’m sure people will have some comments.  My current wardrobe is pretty limited since gaining the weight.  I didn’t want to buy too much to get comfortable here, so I have been pretty much switching up about 3 pairs of pants and maybe 6 shirts.   Very boring and repetitive.  It will be nice to have more to wear.  And I’ve already got my eyes on some of the things in mom’s closet she’s still wearing now. LOL! I’ll be there soon!

Day 112.  Working from home again today.  Still have a lot to get done on this massive project.  The more I do today, the better chances that working from home will be a realistic opportunity on a  regular basis.  My boss saw what I already accomplished and he knows what I am capable of when I’m there to work on things with him, but he also knows what kinds of things I need to be at the office for and what kinds of things I am able to do no matter where I am.  So I think that he will allow me to telework for the sake of special project needs.  There’s a large list of things that have been put on the back burner because we didn’t have the manpower or the training or the time to get them done.  Now that I’m here.. now that I’ve been focused on learning the job for over a year and proven my capabilities and my understanding of the program.. I think he will trust me to do these back burner projects and things will start to really clean up and be more efficient in the office.  It’s something I’m notoriously good at when it comes to my job.  Cleaning up other people’s messes.  I’m organized to OCD level at work.  I’m strict with my time, and I’m productive in an efficient way.  I’ve always been that way with my work, which is why they asked me to come work for them in the first place.  Time to put that to good use.  I see it happening very soon.

Yesterday was an exhausting but good day.  The kids spending the day with me at work was really fun, but it was also incredibly tiring.  They were in a new place with all kids of activities and games to play for part of the day, so they got a little excited and then it was hard to calm them down when it was time to relax.  I reminded them dozens of times that when we were downstairs with the activities they could play, but when we were upstairs at my office it was time to be quiet because other people were working and they would be a distraction.  They did pretty well at first.. but as the day wore on, they were ready for it to be over.  I think they forget that mommy doesn’t have the same schedule as they do when they’re at school.  I work a longer day than that.  So it got harder at the end of the day.. once the fun died down and they were expected to sit quietly.  I’m glad my dad took them home for the last couple hours of the day so that I could focus on work.  It allowed me to get a few important things done so that when I left for the day, I was prepared to focus my attention on my project again.

Then mom and I started on our walk, but decided to give up half of it in favor of stopping in at Target because she wanted to buy me a new pair of jeans.  She saw the ones I was wearing were really baggy.. so she made me go try on new ones.  And I did.  A smaller size pair of jeans fit me.  I realize that not all jeans play by the same rules, so this particular brand, I had been wearing a size 24.. even though most of my clothes are a size 22.  I really loved this pair of jeans, so when I put on the size 22 and they fit, I was thrilled.  In other clothes, I wouldn’t be surprised if a size 20 fit me, but I’m not going to try to shop just yet.  Waiting on a tax return for that.  And this was a gift from my mom.  So being thrilled with the new size pants was a bonus on top of the bonus of free pants!   And then mom tried on some pants.. and she was able to fit in jeans that were actually TWO sizes smaller than her current pair.  She’s wearing her first size 12!  YAY!  I’m so excited for her.  She’s looking amazing. Even if this is the only brand of jeans she could get into a size 12, she will be wearing a size 12, and that’s so freaking awesome.

So we ended up walking only 2 miles yesterday, but we got new, smaller, pants.  And then we had a good dinner with the kids.  They had a wonderful day, and my parents were glad they got to spend some time with my babies, because they see me almost every day, but haven’t seen the kids in weeks.  So everyone had a good time, and everyone came away from the day feeling good.  Overall, I call that a successful day.

Now… I have some work to get done.

Day 111.  Earth day at work. Bring your kids to work day.  Exhausting day.  Hardly get any work done day.  Overwhelmed and tired.  Want to go home and take a nap.

Kids are with my dad right now - so I have a couple hours to get work done.  Then I have to go walk and dad is making dinner for all of us.  Quite a day.  At least they had fun.

Not much to say today except that I. am. tired.

Oh… and I checked the scale this morning and it was down…

Day 110.  Seriously uber bad mood today.  I can’t even start rambling about it or I won’t stop and I don’t have time to deal with it right now.  I need to suck it up and focus on work.  I have so much to get done still with this project, and I’m back at the office today because I have other things that I can’t let fall on the side while I’m working on this.  So I have to multi-task and, while I’m good at that, it doesn’t leave much time for venting.

So this morning, I won’t waste the time.

Yesterday wasn’t my best.  The second day in a row that I barely made it through my 5 miles with hardly any effort at all.  Felt like poo.  Physically and mentally I just wasn’t at my best.  I ate more yesterday than I had all weekend.  I just kept finding things and putting them in my mouth.  Not necessarily bad things individually, but when you add them up.. the total of them all together was more than I needed. I’m disappointed in myself, but I know that part of it is giving in to cravings while TOM has taken over my body.  I need to be stronger today.  Perhaps being back at work will make that easier.  Only one way to find out…. so I’m off to it.

Day 109.  Full blown discomfort and raging pain. TOM strikes hard.  Every month.  I hate this so freaking much.  My body feels like it’s being attacked from the inside out.  I just don’t understand why it has to get so bad every month.  It’s never seemed to matter what I’ve tried to do about it, the symptoms don’t get much better.  So I suffer for a few days every month.

Yesterday I worked all day, though I felt like I was problem solving more than getting much done. I hate when that happens.  But I suppose that it would have been the same if I had been in the office.  The difference would just have been that I walked over to talk to my boss in person rather than sending him an IM or calling him.  Overall, I still would have dealt with the same things.. it just would have been in a different environment.  Do I think I can be productive at home?  Yes.  Do I want to work at home more often. Hell yes.  I like not having the distractions of the office.  Usually I would say that home is the distraction, but it turned out to be nice.  I could sit in my office chair, next to my window with it open and have fresh air flow into the room next to me with the sunshine and play my music and just work.  At the office, it’s a dark cubicle next to jabbering co-workers that aren’t doing their jobs.  Basically, it’s hell, with fluorescent lighting.  So this working at home thing suits me.

I worked all day, then did my exercise, and relaxed “after work” at home. It was a break from routine.  And it was nice.

Today… more of the same.

Day 108.  This morning’s verdict: 262.2 lbs.  I guess I can be glad it’s down again since TOM showed up yesterday.  Usually I’m bloated and gain weight the first few days.  Makes me wonder what my progress really was for the week.  Hmm.

Yesterday I did a decent mix of cleaning and relaxing.  I even got in both my 5 mile walk and Shredded with Jillian.  My entire shirt was soaked after I was done.  It was pretty toasty in the house yesterday.  There were kids in and out all day long.. Dino and Tru played outside, then brought friends over, then played outside again.. it was a steady stream of kids, and they were stressing me out.  Most of the day I spent trying to ignore it and get things done.  But by the end of the day I was a ball of stress and the kids were getting on my nerves so I started being the strict mom.  A couple of the kids that have come to play the last few days have been like.. really gross smelling.  I’m not trying to be mean.. I mean, like they smelled like they had rolled around in a dumpster.  It was awful.  Every time I walked by the kids’ bedrooms, a rush of this nasty air would hit me and make me gag. I tried to ignore it..and I stayed out of the way most of the time, but they were in and out all day and by the time I’d had enough, my entire house - every room of my house - stunk.  It was maddening.  So I brought it to David’s attention and he realizes what I’m talking about almost instantly and he actually makes the kids leave and go home to take showers.  They do.  They don’t come back.  The smell went away when they left… after spraying some Febreeze around the entire house.

I mean seriously.. who lets their kids leave the house smelling like that? What must their house smell like?  I know we’re not the cleanest family in the world but it was bad.  I’m seriously considering not letting these kids come back into my house.  If that makes me mean, then so be it.

For today, at least, the no friends in the house rule has an actual reason.  Today I work from home.  Gotta spend all my energy on this one project for the next couple of days so the boss has me hiding from regular work with the hopes that I can stay focused.  Lets hope he’s right.  I want to be able to work from home regularly, and in order to set up a regular day, I have to show that I’m capable of handling it.  Wish me luck!

Day 107.  TOM finally showed up.  I feel like crap.  But I’m going to make the most of this weekend and get what I can done.  I don’t like when TOM slows me down, and I certainly don’t like when my weekends feel wasted.  So I want to use my time productively, while still giving myself adequate time to relax.

Tomorrow I am working from home.  The kids are on spring break.  I will have my hands full trying to get this project completed with a house full of people.  Still, this house full of people is less distracting than my office.  And my boss does this all the time.. so if he can do it, so can I.

I’m hoping tomorrow’s weigh in will be a good one.  I’ve been doing good all week.  Then again, TOM is always a factor in my weigh in. Always.  So I’m guessing the scale will not give me an accurate reading of my progress this week.  That’s annoying, but what can you do, right?  What I don’t want to see is a gain, after working so hard all week.

Off to have a productive day.  Hopefully tomorrow I’ll have something to show for it.