I ate pizza tonight. It was whole wheat crust, had a ton of veggies, and I had three slices. Even though it’s not as bad as it could be, I still feel really guilty. I guess I’ll just write it off as bulking up before Biggest Loser starts at school this week. Sigh. Keep trying.
When I was a kid, my eating was very tightly restricted. I wasn’t allowed to eat sweets very often, and when I did, I was made to feel a little guilty about it. What my parents began as trying to watch my weight, turned into some pretty strong feelings for me around food. Therefore, when I was a kid I would walk to the corner store and buy a package of cupcakes. Knowing (or thinking) that I would get in trouble for eating them, I would go hide downstairs in the bathroom and eat them. Kind of like the whole, you’re an alcoholic if you drink alone thing. I guess it was the same idea.
So tonight, before the biggest loser game starts at school this week, I am going to have some cupcake therapy. My husband bought a 2 pack of hostess cupcakes and a 2 pack of twinkies, and we are going to share them. Just seeing that package brought me back to that basement bathroom, and the guilt washing back. But, this time, it’s going to be a positive experience, so that I can purge myself of these weird feelings around food.
Like many of you I’m sure, I find the Biggest Loser to be so inspirational and motivational. I also find it extremely thought provoking. Today I was on the treadmill, doing my run (or building back up to it I should say) and I started thinking about that big kid, the 400-something one. I thought about my habits back in college, and how inactive I was all my life from kid to teen, until after college. Thank GOD all of the sudden I decided to go to the gym, because the path I was on wasn’t going to end up good. I really think that if I had just kept that holding pattern of being somewhat careful about what I was eating, but doing little or no exercise, then I was not only going to stay up where I was (my guess is 190, I never weighed myself), but I was probably going to start gaining as I got older. Luckily, I made the choice to start working out, which has made all the difference.
As I was thinking, I began thinking about how many times I used to make excuses for myself about why I couldn’t exercise. A lot of those excuses are the ones the people on BL make at the beginning of the show. I had an epiphany (which really is pretty obvious, but apparently not to me) that it really is 100% choice how you choose to live your life. Those people are choosing to be unhealthy. They are literally choosing food over life. When I am on that treadmill, and I opt out of running a half mile into it, I am CHOOSING to give up. I am completely in control of my body and mind and I make the choices that determine the outcome. Am I going to be tired sometimes? Sure. Are there times when I’ll do better than others? Definitely. But ultimately I know that it is my choice how far I want to push myself, how hard I am willing to work, how important it is to me to take care of myself to insure a fuller life later on.
I am going to make the right choices.
Today I got some people on board at school and we are doing a biggest loser competition at work! I’m actually looking forward to it, I think it will be motivating! We are keeping it pretty private, no public weigh ins, which makes it a little more honor system than I’d like, but I think that’s the only way we’re going to get people in on it. But, it will be fun. If you’ve done this and have any suggestions on ways to make it even better or suggestions on how to run it, I am open!
So to investigate my “why can’t I stop at one cookie” issue. I was reading Oprah magazine today and there is an article by her trainer about this phenomenon. Some research has likened this “can’t eat just one” mentality to addiction of other substances. I was thinking the same thing, since my husband’s new fave show is celebrity rehab (which is another story for another day). Anyway, I’ve come to the conclusion that I think for me I really do need to treat it as an addiction, and this sentiment was echoed in Bob’s article. I know that sometimes I am going to break this rule, and I can more easily than a true addict, but I also know that for me one cookie can be a very slippery slope into 5 or 6, plus the 4 slices of pizza that fell on the floor.
I’ve always felt that I am better able to stick to a healthy eating plan when I exercise, and it also turns out that I was on about that too (well, I’m just brilliant- why can’t my smart brain figure out a way to stop making my ass fat???) “They” have found that exercise creates more dopamine, those feel good chemicals in the brain. Joyful activities, like food, fun, sex, and drugs also create this chemical, which is why we can become so dependent and fixated on getting that feel good for the moment fix. So, when I exercise, I create more of the happy juice, making me less likely to look for it through food, and therefore more able to stick to my plan.
Ok, so now that I know all of this, piece of cake right?? I mean, piece of whole wheat, sugar free, organic rolled oat and nut cake, of course.
I ate healthfully today, and despite the carb and sugar cravings, made it through without caving. I am looking forward to adding the gym back in on Monday.
Another motivation: my friend just called and reminded me of the countdown to her wedding: 6 weeks!! I can definitely lose the 5 pounds I gained before then. A pound a week is all I need. But, I am researching bodyslimmers for under the dress anyway. That way it will look like 10!!
Any suggestions for something good under a bridesmaid’s dress?
Happy New Year! Now, I’m not one to make resolutions. I don’t believe in them, as most of them fail miserably. However, I am ready to turn over a new leaf and get back on the wagon. I needed to be in the right state of mind and ready for this renewal, and I find myself here now. And happily my husband is feeling the same way, which always makes things easier. Another cool thing that has come about is that a good friend of ours decided she’d like to run a 5K come spring, which is great because it’s something we can work toward together. I think it will help J and I stay better on task with healthy life. So instead of new years resolutions, I am setting goals for the year 2009 that will be reasonable and allow me to achieve an inner sense of peace and happiness:
1) Go back to the gym and healthy eating on a regular basis- trying not to deny myself but not allowing myself to spiral either
2) Make my own food decisions not based on other people’s choices
3) Train for 5K in March and another in May (so two completed 5Ks this year)
4) Try to keep up with my blog for my mental health’s sake
5) Stop being so hard on myself if and when I find these goals difficult to stick to
I think these are reasonable, attainable, and somewhat forgiving and flexible goals. I know I am often so hard on myself and iI have an all or nothing battle, and that sometimes that’s where my pitfalls lie.
My next issue to explore: why can other people eat one cookie and I can’t stop at only one??
I was curious about what Boxing Day is, and I found out that in the countries that celebrate it, it is traditionally a day that people gave to the poor. So, today is my boxing day to myself. I am going to give my poor body a reprieve and start healthy again.
I keep waiting for the right frame of mind to hit me, that all of the sudden I’ll feel motivated and ready to make the changes I made before and commit to them. For some reason, I am not feeling that same level of readiness that I did the first time I did this so well. I can’t put my finger on why though. But, I think if I just wait around until I’m good and ready, I might be waiting for a long time and find myself worse off than I am. I am now up to 180 pounds, just 4 pounds shy of where I was before. So, if I keep waiting, I will be fully back at square one. That is one thing that I am definitely not ready for at all. So I just have to suck it up, be ready, and do this.
Since this weekend we are traveling to see my husband’s family, and it’s practically impossible to be beachy there, I am going to hold off on starting the first two weeks of south beach until we are back on Monday. However, I am going to make myself go to the gym today and make healthful eating choices this weekend. Even as I just typed those words I hesitated writing them because I a) really don’t want to and b) if I say them and don’t do it, it’s a major failure in my mind. So, now I have to. Dammit.
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The title pretty much sums up my day. I keep telling myself, the day after christmas, the day after christmas, it’s all over. enjoy it now. I’m so afraid I won’t be able to do it.
Why am I afraid of something that’s within my control??????
Here I am, once again. Boy I am I sorry I ever left. Back in summer 2007, I lost about 14 pounds, which was a huge effort for me. I was SO proud of myself. I looked good, I felt good, everything was good. Now, winter 2008, a year and a half later, I’ve gained back 10 pounds, and the way it’s going it will all be back soon if I don’t do something about it.
So I am.
When I think about all the things that made me successful the first time around, here’s what they are:
1) The time and ability to focus on myself- I made myself the priority
2) South Beach diet- NO SUGAR!
3) Blogging helped me stay on track and put my feelings in a place where I could get constructive feedback and find people who could identify with me and motivate me.
4) Monitoring my eating, and eating when I was hungry, not because I was scared to feel hungry.
Reasons why I’ve now fallen off the wagon:
1) Everyone and everything has become more important than taking care of myself
2) Allowing myself treats lead to full blown eating just about whatever I wanted
3) Allowing others to influence my eating in negative ways
4) Beating myself up for not eating well, not going to the gym, and then not feeling good about myself, which in turn harbored more bad feelings, which in turn caused me to gain weight, which made me feel bad about going to the gym because I was too fat, which caused me to feel bad about myself, which caused me to eat, etc, etc, etc.
This month’s issue of Oprah magazine pretty much sums up the path that has befallen both her and me:
I shouldn’t say befallen, because that puts the responsibility elsewhere. Just like Oprah writes in her article, it seems hard to believe that after all that work and effort, it’s just too easy to lose a grip on it all and find yourself where you were before, or worse.
So, now I HAVE TO find my way back. It’s going to be hard, I think. I think my state of mind isn’t as positive as it was before, but I’ve got to find a way to make it so. If I don’t, I won’t be successful. My Christmas present to myself IS myself. Finding time for myself. Not worrying about making dinner, not worrying about staying at work so late, not worrying about being home with the dog. I’ve got to worry about myself, because I’m the only one who can change what I don’t like. And I MUST stop beating myself up. For some reason I’m struggling with this again. Part of my transformation had been improving my self-deprication. I just think it’s that vicious cycle revolving itself and it has to be broken for things to change.
Two weddings this weekend, and one next weekend. Three wedding in two weeks. That means three high cal meals, three slices of cake, three nights of cocktails (I am pretty good at holding back on that one) and all the other non-homecooked food in between, since we have to be away for the weddings. I went to the gym twice this week, which is better than I’ve done all summer. And yesterday, I really really wanted Wendy’s for dinner since I was out, but I didn’t, I got a salad and half a sandwich at Panera. I know that some of the dressings and such are still not exactly low fat, but I figured half of it was better than all of it, and the meal as a whole was better than a burger and medium fries, which is what I would have ordered at wendy’s. And to top it all off when I got home I really wanted dessert, but instead of pudding or something else, I had watermelon. overall, I was happy with my choices to avoid the stuff that was easy and would make me feel bad about myself and made better choices. maybe this weekend I’ll be able to do the same.
