On the wagon, in the saddle, with the program, etc. I was sick for a good week, so that was not great, but I went to the gym for the first time today in a long time. It felt really good. I need to hold on to that feeling to remind me on those days when I DON’T want to go the gym of why I SHOULD go, because I actually do like it. So why is it so damn hard??
Tyra Banks confuses me, and I get the feeling she talks out of her ass. What I mean is that she just says stuff to sound a certain way or to represent herself in a particular light, but I’m not sure she really means it.
First of all, she modeled for Victoria’s Secret prancing around in her skivvies. Ok, fair enough. You’re a model, great body. I get you.
Then wait, now she’s not a model, she’s judging others to find America’s Top Model. Ok, so now you’re done with the modeling thing and want to find other people whose careers you can launch. Got it. Still in the model/appearance mentality.
But then, in an interesting turn of events, she lands herself a talk show, gains weight, and is now PROUD to weigh approx 200 pounds. Then, finds other women who are also overwight and that are “Ok” with it, prances THEM around in their underwear, declaring how we have an obsession with looks and that we need to be comfortable within ourselves.
But then she’s back on top model, critiquing appearances.
CONFUSION!!!
So which is it???? Appearances matter, or they don’t? I think that Tyra’s whole “it’s ok to be you and me” stint was a way to make everyone believe she is at peace with her weight gain, when in actuality it was all a coverup for her insecurity about it. Instead of letting the media and her “modeling peers” call her out on her weight gain, she once again went running around in her skivvies to prove to everyone that she was “totally fine” and not ashamed of how she looks. I think that was complete bullpoop. If she REALLY, TRULY didn’t think that appearance was important, then why would she be running a show where they are looking for attractive people, whether that be bodily attactive or facially attractive, to MODEL???
Hypocrite.
I ate pizza tonight. It was whole wheat crust, had a ton of veggies, and I had three slices. Even though it’s not as bad as it could be, I still feel really guilty. I guess I’ll just write it off as bulking up before Biggest Loser starts at school this week. Sigh. Keep trying.
When I was a kid, my eating was very tightly restricted. I wasn’t allowed to eat sweets very often, and when I did, I was made to feel a little guilty about it. What my parents began as trying to watch my weight, turned into some pretty strong feelings for me around food. Therefore, when I was a kid I would walk to the corner store and buy a package of cupcakes. Knowing (or thinking) that I would get in trouble for eating them, I would go hide downstairs in the bathroom and eat them. Kind of like the whole, you’re an alcoholic if you drink alone thing. I guess it was the same idea.
So tonight, before the biggest loser game starts at school this week, I am going to have some cupcake therapy. My husband bought a 2 pack of hostess cupcakes and a 2 pack of twinkies, and we are going to share them. Just seeing that package brought me back to that basement bathroom, and the guilt washing back. But, this time, it’s going to be a positive experience, so that I can purge myself of these weird feelings around food.
Like many of you I’m sure, I find the Biggest Loser to be so inspirational and motivational. I also find it extremely thought provoking. Today I was on the treadmill, doing my run (or building back up to it I should say) and I started thinking about that big kid, the 400-something one. I thought about my habits back in college, and how inactive I was all my life from kid to teen, until after college. Thank GOD all of the sudden I decided to go to the gym, because the path I was on wasn’t going to end up good. I really think that if I had just kept that holding pattern of being somewhat careful about what I was eating, but doing little or no exercise, then I was not only going to stay up where I was (my guess is 190, I never weighed myself), but I was probably going to start gaining as I got older. Luckily, I made the choice to start working out, which has made all the difference.
As I was thinking, I began thinking about how many times I used to make excuses for myself about why I couldn’t exercise. A lot of those excuses are the ones the people on BL make at the beginning of the show. I had an epiphany (which really is pretty obvious, but apparently not to me) that it really is 100% choice how you choose to live your life. Those people are choosing to be unhealthy. They are literally choosing food over life. When I am on that treadmill, and I opt out of running a half mile into it, I am CHOOSING to give up. I am completely in control of my body and mind and I make the choices that determine the outcome. Am I going to be tired sometimes? Sure. Are there times when I’ll do better than others? Definitely. But ultimately I know that it is my choice how far I want to push myself, how hard I am willing to work, how important it is to me to take care of myself to insure a fuller life later on.
I am going to make the right choices.
Today I got some people on board at school and we are doing a biggest loser competition at work! I’m actually looking forward to it, I think it will be motivating! We are keeping it pretty private, no public weigh ins, which makes it a little more honor system than I’d like, but I think that’s the only way we’re going to get people in on it. But, it will be fun. If you’ve done this and have any suggestions on ways to make it even better or suggestions on how to run it, I am open!
So to investigate my “why can’t I stop at one cookie” issue. I was reading Oprah magazine today and there is an article by her trainer about this phenomenon. Some research has likened this “can’t eat just one” mentality to addiction of other substances. I was thinking the same thing, since my husband’s new fave show is celebrity rehab (which is another story for another day). Anyway, I’ve come to the conclusion that I think for me I really do need to treat it as an addiction, and this sentiment was echoed in Bob’s article. I know that sometimes I am going to break this rule, and I can more easily than a true addict, but I also know that for me one cookie can be a very slippery slope into 5 or 6, plus the 4 slices of pizza that fell on the floor.
I’ve always felt that I am better able to stick to a healthy eating plan when I exercise, and it also turns out that I was on about that too (well, I’m just brilliant- why can’t my smart brain figure out a way to stop making my ass fat???) “They” have found that exercise creates more dopamine, those feel good chemicals in the brain. Joyful activities, like food, fun, sex, and drugs also create this chemical, which is why we can become so dependent and fixated on getting that feel good for the moment fix. So, when I exercise, I create more of the happy juice, making me less likely to look for it through food, and therefore more able to stick to my plan.
Ok, so now that I know all of this, piece of cake right?? I mean, piece of whole wheat, sugar free, organic rolled oat and nut cake, of course.
I ate healthfully today, and despite the carb and sugar cravings, made it through without caving. I am looking forward to adding the gym back in on Monday.
Another motivation: my friend just called and reminded me of the countdown to her wedding: 6 weeks!! I can definitely lose the 5 pounds I gained before then. A pound a week is all I need. But, I am researching bodyslimmers for under the dress anyway. That way it will look like 10!!
Any suggestions for something good under a bridesmaid’s dress?
Happy New Year! Now, I’m not one to make resolutions. I don’t believe in them, as most of them fail miserably. However, I am ready to turn over a new leaf and get back on the wagon. I needed to be in the right state of mind and ready for this renewal, and I find myself here now. And happily my husband is feeling the same way, which always makes things easier. Another cool thing that has come about is that a good friend of ours decided she’d like to run a 5K come spring, which is great because it’s something we can work toward together. I think it will help J and I stay better on task with healthy life. So instead of new years resolutions, I am setting goals for the year 2009 that will be reasonable and allow me to achieve an inner sense of peace and happiness:
1) Go back to the gym and healthy eating on a regular basis- trying not to deny myself but not allowing myself to spiral either
2) Make my own food decisions not based on other people’s choices
3) Train for 5K in March and another in May (so two completed 5Ks this year)
4) Try to keep up with my blog for my mental health’s sake
5) Stop being so hard on myself if and when I find these goals difficult to stick to
I think these are reasonable, attainable, and somewhat forgiving and flexible goals. I know I am often so hard on myself and iI have an all or nothing battle, and that sometimes that’s where my pitfalls lie.
My next issue to explore: why can other people eat one cookie and I can’t stop at only one??