A Life Less Overweight

So everything I have ever heard about goal setting has said that you should write down your goals. Supposedly people who write them down are more likely to achieve them than those who don’t write them. So, I did. I got a really sleek planner that I carry in my purse, with a date book, etc. I have been writing in my workouts ahead of time as if they were an appointment, and so far this week, it’s worked. I like it because I actually don’t even remember how many times I’ve gone to the gym this week, and I feel like that’s a good thing. I’m not rationalizing in my head “well, I’ve already gone three times, that’s enough” and therefore skipping a fourth time. I’m just going when my calendar says to go, and it also says what to do. It’s kinda nice, not having to store it all in my head. I’m beginning to find that unloading your brain is such a relief!

In addition to “The Biggest Loser”, I also like the new show on Lifetime “How to Look Good Naked.” J and I usually go out on Friday nites, but I tivo it so I can watch it later. I like it because it really addresses women’s body image issues. It sparked a very interesting conversation between J and I last night about that topic. He doesn’t get why women a) freak out in front of a mirror like I said I would if I had to stand there and analyze myself like they do in a three way in a bra and undies and 2) doesn’t get why women put so much stock in other people’s opinion of what they look like. I tried to explain it, but I don’t think he’ll ever really get it. I think that we are so concerned about whether men think that we are attractive, and if we don’t look like what we KNOW they like (i.e. the gorgeous girls in magazines like Maxim) then they won’t like us.

However, my conscious, educated brain knows that isn’t necessarily true. Yet, I still find myself clamoring for male attention and even though I am married, wondering if guys think I’m cute. I flirt incessantly to prove to myself that I can get them to respond, and therefore I know I’m desirable. And lately they HAVE been responding, very very well.  Uh oh. I’m kind of liking the attention a little too much. You would think this means I don’t have any self-confidence, but I actually have a lot. Maybe too much. Maybe it’s egotistical to see if I can get a guy to like me just because I want to see if I can. I can’t figure out the obsession I have with this, but the thinner I get, the more and more I find myself doing it. I am hoping it is a temporary charge I get out of being  20 pounds lighter.  I can’t help but feel a little guilty or sick for flirting so much. I wouldn’t ever sleep with anyone else, so one part of me feels like “so what, it’s harmless, what’s the big deal?” But the other part feels not guilty about J, but that it might not be a healthy behavior. Please tell me I will get over this. Has anyone else ever felt this way????