Unloading lots of anger
Since this is my psychotherapy, it’s time to therapize. The last few days have just been a mentally exhausting minefield that has resulted in nothing but me getting shat all over.
First, I find out that my insurance company settled at 50% with the insurance co. of a guy that rear-ended me. Apparently I am not considered 50% at fault, just that the other co. will only pay 50% of my rental car. BULLSHIT!!! I DID NOTHING WRONG!! I was sitting at a red light and wacked me in the behind and now I have to pay out money??? SCREW THAT! I am fighting this…
Secondly, and worsely, my “best friend”, my maid of honor, is getting married. Now we have one other friend we went to high school with whom I love dearly, but I am not as close to her. She was in my wedding but I chose the other friend as my MOH since I am closer to her. Now, two years later she is getting married. Now I KNEW something like this was going to happen, but the other night she asked me “would you be a bridesmaid?” WHAT???? I acted calmly and tried to act excited, but just couldn’t believe she didn’t do a co-honor thing, if she felt bad choosing. Now on the one hand, I would feel bad if the other girl had gotten passed over again, but on the other, what about me?? What am I chopped liver? And THEN AFTER, she throws in, “I’d list you as matron of honor.” Oh no no. That was an afterthought. It was very clear that the other girl is THE honor. She didn’t say will you be my matron of honor, she said will you be a bridesmaid. FUCK YOU.
I know that her decision was probably difficult, but I know ultimately she thought, “well, she’ll understand”, because I always do. I am that kind of person who always sympathizes and understands how people feel. I don’t get angry often. I don’t let people walk all over me, but it takes a lot to get me angry. Well, this is just another time that I have felt forgotten about or taken for granted by her, and now I’m angry. But the worst part is, I CAN’T SAY ANYTHING! I wouldn’t do that, it would be rude and it’s her wedding she can choose what she wants. But damn, I wish I wasn’t such a fool. I would give the shirt off my back for my friends and I am so sick and tired of being forgotten about. My birthday was in Sept. They were going to take me out and give me a gift. It kept getting postponed. It is now almost December and we’ve YET to go out. I don’t care about the gift, I care about being showed that I’m important too. And right now, I feel really neglected and unimportant. And totally helpless to say anything because it would appear that I’m whining about not getting MOH. I TRULY don’t care about that, the position is not that important, it’s the meaning it carries. And I feel like I’ve been demoted. I have rationalized it like “what goes around comes around” meaning how the other girl felt when she wasn’t picked. But it was pretty clear at the time that one was closer to me than the other. Apparently, the opposite is not true and I feel like such a fucking idiot for thinking it was.
I know you might be thinking, ditch them, they don’t sound like very good friends. But how do end a 10 year plus relationship that you do (most of the time) enjoy? Is this reason enough to ditch them? Not really, but I do think that it’s time some things are made clear. However, I feel like for the next year and half, I do not have the ability to do that without them automatically assuming it’s about my position in the wedding. I want it to be separate from that. This just brought it all to a head and made me realize how I really feel. What do I do????
Wrestling with an old friendship is tough. My “best friend” and I have grown apart after being friends for 23 years. It was all because she started dating a married man (granted, his marriage WAS over but he still was married) and I told her I didn’t think it was OK. Normally I would be understanding, like you, but this was after my son was diagnosed with a terminal illness and I realized that it wasn’t worth it to preserve a friendship with someone who didn’t share the same values as me. For quite a while we didn’t talk and then I finally laid it on the line. Things aren’t back the way they were when we were 10 but they definitely are better.
So even though I rambled a ton, what I’m trying to say is to stay true to yourself. If this is truly how you feel acknowledge it and then decide if the friendship is worth it.
Well….I suppose it is possible that the first time around with the excitement of telling you that she mis-spoke and corrected it later with the MOH comment. “List” you???? Either you are or you aren’t. All you can do about that is calmly ask her; you’re hurting now but you do need to know your exact title as it will affect your duties.
I do know what you mean about not feeling the love sometimes from old friends and often being more of a friend to them than you are getting in return. I always chalked it up to being an only child and figured I was more needy in the demonstration of friendship dept. but sometimes it just plain hurts. It’s frustrating and I totally sympathize with you on that point.
::Hugs:: My friendships kind of shift over the years, but the ones I cherish remain firm. Sometimes we are closer, sometimes further apart. Sometimes we are rocks for each other, sometimes we don’t understand and stumble about hurting each other a bit. But the intent is never purposefull, and I think the fact we forgive each other and are patient with each other wins out in the end.
I have no advice, just perhaps wait and reflect before you say anything. People getting married sometimes flop into temporary insanity…the stress just knocks them out.
When I feel hurt, I try to journal the hell out of it - just write all the nasty terrible feelings down, dumping my harsh words were they can do little harm: sometimes, I find truth while writing the hell out of my feelings, and I am able to keep them from controling my actions- dritta
((((HUGS))))
There is nothing wrong with being MATRON of honor. That actually would have been the smart way to put it. “Whats her face” is maid of honor and your matron of honor. She botched the whole proposal. I feel your pain, so when you address the problem don’t bring up the MOH stuff at all. Just say I have been feeling neglected since you guy blew off my birthday, blah, blah, blah. Let them know how you feel tactfully. If they are true friends they will feel like complete asses and fix the wrongs. (((HUGS))) That’s a tough situation!
I have never been lucky enough to have a “real best friend”
I moved so much as a kid. 18 times before I was 14, and lost track after that, it was hard to make and keep friends. So I have bonding issues now and don’t make friends easy at all. I always wanted a best friend, someone to share with and have fun with and be “sisters” with, so I think if this woman is important to you, and is a true friend, just tell her that your feelings are hurt.
You are human, you are intitled to hurt feelings, and if she is a true friend she will understand, that is what friends are suppose to be about, right?
U still here Duder?
Miss ya!