A Life Less Overweight

Since this is my psychotherapy, it’s time to therapize. The last few days have just been a mentally exhausting minefield that has resulted in nothing but me getting shat all over.

First, I find out that my insurance company settled at 50% with the insurance co. of a guy that rear-ended me. Apparently I am not considered 50% at fault, just that the other co. will only pay 50% of my rental car. BULLSHIT!!! I DID NOTHING WRONG!! I was sitting at a red light and wacked me in the behind and now I have to pay out money??? SCREW THAT! I am fighting this…

Secondly, and worsely,  my “best friend”, my maid of honor, is getting married. Now we have one other friend we went to high school with whom I love dearly, but I am not as close to her. She was in my wedding but I chose the other friend as my MOH since I am closer to her. Now, two years later she is getting married. Now I KNEW something like this was going to happen, but the other night she asked me “would you be a bridesmaid?” WHAT???? I acted calmly and tried to act excited, but just couldn’t believe she didn’t do a co-honor thing, if she felt bad choosing. Now on the one hand, I would feel bad if the other girl had gotten passed over again, but on the other, what about me?? What am I chopped liver? And THEN AFTER, she throws in, “I’d list you as matron of honor.” Oh no no. That was an afterthought. It was very clear that the other girl is THE honor. She didn’t say will you be my matron of honor, she said will you be a bridesmaid. FUCK YOU.

I know that her decision was probably difficult, but I know ultimately she thought, “well, she’ll understand”, because I always do. I am that kind of person who always sympathizes and understands how people feel. I don’t get angry often. I don’t let people walk all over me, but it takes a lot to get me angry. Well, this is just another time that I have felt forgotten about or taken for granted by her, and now I’m angry. But the worst part is, I CAN’T SAY ANYTHING! I wouldn’t do that, it would be rude and it’s her wedding she can choose what she wants. But damn, I wish I wasn’t such a fool. I would give the shirt off my back for my friends and I am so sick and tired of being forgotten about. My birthday was in Sept. They were going to take me out and give me a gift. It kept getting postponed. It is now almost December and we’ve YET to go out. I don’t care about the gift, I care about being showed that I’m important too. And right now, I feel really neglected and unimportant. And totally helpless to say anything because it would appear that I’m whining about not getting MOH. I TRULY don’t care about that, the position is not that important, it’s the meaning it carries. And I feel like I’ve been demoted. I have rationalized it like “what goes around comes around” meaning how the other girl felt when she wasn’t picked. But it was pretty clear at the time that one was closer to me than the other. Apparently, the opposite is not true and I feel like such a fucking idiot for thinking it was.

I know you might be thinking, ditch them, they don’t sound like very good friends. But how do end a 10 year plus relationship that you do (most of the time) enjoy? Is this reason enough to ditch them? Not really, but I do think that it’s time some things are made clear. However, I feel like for the next year and half, I do not have the ability to do that without them automatically assuming it’s about my position in the wedding. I want it to be separate from that. This just brought it all to a head and made me realize how I really feel. What do I do????

It amazes me that 15 pounds can make that big a difference in the way I look. I have gotten so many comments, including from J’s family this weekend. Apparently I look quite different. I can see positive changes, but I just don’t think I look all that different. But I guess it’s important to hear that others can, so I know it’s working. I’m hoping for at least five more lost, which would put me at 170. I’m hoping with the holidays coming, it won’t be bad news. I feel confident that I have the tools to make it so that I don’t regain. As long as I avoid sugar and white carbs, I will be fine. It’s when I start nibbling those that my willpower goes by the wayside and all hell breaks loose.

As I type this I am alone in the house wearing my wedding dress. I know, sounds weird. I am going to (finally) have it cleaned and preserved and I know I will not be able to take it out and do this again ever unless I want to redo it all, so I’m doing one last wearing. I LOVE my dress. It was perfect, and it is so gorgeous. I get so sad that I will never wear it again. I wish you could rewear your dress to other people’s weddings. Well, two years later, not only does it still fit me, but it’s actually bigger than when I wore it the first time!! Not by a whole lot, but enough. Which obviously is great, but in another way pisses me off because I could have been skinnier at my wedding.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but I feel like I am saying goodbye forever to something that is dying. I hate thinking of my dress all boxed up and never being able to touch it or try it on ever again. It really even LOOKS dead all in the box. But its time because I know otherwise it will be ruined. Sigh. I suppose I should take it off now. But I look so pretty…