A Life Less Overweight

I’m off to help the divorced in-laws and J. clean out the family home as it is being sold. So sad. It will be rough on them. yikes.

I don’t know about anyone else, but I have found that when I wallow in feeling poorly about myself, it becomes a vicious cycle. We have to break that cycle ladies!!! I know it’s easier said than done, but being so down on yourself is damaging and it just needs to stop. So, if you are feeling poorly right now (and Oh my god have I been there and back more times than Lindsay Lohan’s been in rehab) you need to cut the crap. Comeon. Go watch a funny movie. A real roarer. Go play with your kids, play a game, do something you enjoy (just don’t let it involve food). We have to find ways to pull ourselves out of the mud. I hope you all have a positive weekend!

That sounds like a sex therapist’s term for “you need to masturbate more,” but you can calm down, that’s not what this post is about. Although far be it for me to tell you what to do with your cucumbers.

Anyway I digress. As the summer winds down and I prepare to go back to work full time, I’ve been thinking about what the heck I have done all summer, especially when people ask “so what the heck did you do this summer?” Well, here is what I would say to them, if I never would have to look them in the face again.

-I (finally) got serious about making my health a priority

-I learned about how the body and blood sugar works and how my new way of eating will help fend off things like diabetes

-I worked out about 3-4 times a week, developing a routine at the gym that makes me feel good and hopefully I will start to see more results in

-I’ve taken my healthful diet to a new level, and my personal feeling of well being has improved for it

-I’ve made vitamins and 64 oz of H2O a daily habit  (my mother loves that one)

-I’ve found a really great place to clear my head and started examining my food/body image issues in a way that is helpful and non-threatening

-I’ve found a community of women who, though we do not know each other and come from very different walks of life and situations, can identify with my experiences and make me feel that I am not alone when I eat 5 chocolate covered pickles, not because I am pregnant, but because my willpower has broken down.

-I’ve learned that I have a lot more willpower than I ever gave myself credit for, and thus have trained my body to not really need to use it so much

-I’ve learned that perhaps my childhood tormentors were just mean, not truthful, and that karma is a bitch (sorry Derek)

All in all, I would say it’s been an important summer for me. I have learned a little more about myself and have grown stronger for it. I think that my new way of living will continue into the school year. The more I think about it, the timing couldn’t have been better for me to have started this journey in June. I needed that time to concentrate on myself. But if anyone asks what I did this summer, instead of telling them  about my self-discovery, I’ll just say “you, know, this and that.” And smile to myself because they don’t know the half of it.

So I keep seeing the commercials for back to school crap. I don’t know if they still show it, but the one I thought was the funniest was for staples. It showed a dad taking his shopping cart joyfully through the store with kids dragging behind, and “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year” was playing in the background! So funny. I am sure that’s how so many parents feel. I don’t have kids of my own, but I am a teacher, and I can imagine having kids hanging around all summer whining about how bored they are, especially come August, can be wearing on Mom. But, summer vacation is so necessary for all parties involved. Kids, they are toast come end of May (and we don’t end till June), the parents have had enough of homework and projects and get cranky at the end of the year, and I am frothing at the mouth to have an extended period of child-free time. Usually, when August comes around I mentally start preparing for school, but I am so not ready to go back this year!! I have loved all this free time to myself. I’ve got a few more weeks for my mindset to change, maybe it’s just late this year!

Which brings me to my fears. This summer has been a time of reflection and lots of mental changes when it comes to food and exercise. I am worried when school starts again after Labor Day that things will go by the wayside. I am not worried about food so much, I always bring my lunch and never indulge in anything I don’t bring with me. I am worried about exercise though. This summer I have been going around 4:40-5pm ish to the gym, to try and get me on a time slot for the school year. In the past, I’ve found 20,000 excuses not to go, and sometimes not even excuses, but I just have to stay at school late and by the time I get home, it’s too late to go to the gym. I REALLY don’t want that to happen this year. I am going to have to schedule my time very strictly, and only stay late on certain days. Teaching is one of those jobs that if you let it, it can consume your whole life. Go in early, stay late, bring home papers to correct, and work on them all night and all weekend. I have to make the decision to be stubborn about when I am willing to work and put in extra time, and what time is my own. I LOVE my job so much, I love the kids, and I am good at it, but damn it is exhausting. I have to stay committed. Committed to the kids and to doing a good job, but also committed to myself. I am not my job. I need to remember that, and I need parents to remember that by my drawing the boundaries of what I am willing to do.

Maybe it’s because of these fears I am not itching to go back yet.

Well, weighed in today and I am back down to 179, my pre-vacation weight. I am definitely happy about that, though I still feel a little disappointed it isn’t coming off faster. I keep telling myself to be patient and continue on all of my great lifestyle improvements. I know a positive attitude makes all the difference, so that is what I will strive to maintain and hope the rest will come.

One thing that is on my mind. I love the summer, but I dread when friends invite you to go to the pool with them. Even though it could be worse, I just don’t feel comfortable laying around in a bathing suit. When I am around my husband or someone heavier than me it doesn’t phase me at all. But around anyone else, I am always so worried about what they are thinking. I wish I could say I didn’t care what they thought, or that it doesn’t matter, but I find that very difficult to actually believe. So instead, I put the pool situations off so that they just don’t happen. So sad, I know, I am missing out on some great social times. But until I get comfortable enough in a suit, I don’t think I’d enjoy it that much anyways. I’d be constantly thinking about how to cover up!



For any of you who read this in cyber-land, I’d like to make something clear. When I write my blog, it is as I call it “cheap psychotherapy.” What you are reading is a diary entry that you get to peek into. It is for my own psychological benefit. That being said, if I rant about something that you take offense to, then please, take it with a grain of salt. You have to remember that we all use this site as a means to help us complete our goals but also to vent our frustrations. It is no different than if I wrote in my diary. I understand that because it is public, people might disagree with what I say or feel at times. I can appreciate that, because I often disagree with others, too. However, as long as I haven’t name called, I haven’t made slurs or used racist language, and I have simply vented, then in my mind, no harm no foul. I say things here I wouldn’t be able to say in public, to someone else. These are my own private thoughts, in an anonymous forum. If you think I am being judgmental or offensive, then don’t read my blog. There are many out there to read. I do think that I should be able to say what is in my mind, within reason, without fearing what others are going to think. That is why I blog, and so do you, right? I do not feel I am any part of any special “fat enough” club. I truly DO understand that even thin people have goals and such. I have a friend who is 95 pounds soaking wet and is trying to GAIN weight! And I love her dearly. I do not judge her. Am I jealous of her?? HELL YES! But, I also know that she hates being 95 pounds. So although it may not seem like it, I do get both sides of the coin. I am just saying what’s in my mind so it doesn’t eat away at me in an unhealthy way. I am not a bitch, I am actually a very nice sweet person, and I think very highly of every person on this website that has the courage to put down the fork and pick up the freeweights.  But my blog is my deepest thoughts that need to get out. I hope this puts any offenses to rest, and if not, I apologize you feel that way.

On her blog, Leeda has posted a lovely picture of a woman in a bodyslimmer. I find it very interesting that the women who model the bodyslimmers look like they are thin enough to have extra room once those sucker-iners are on. Maybe the thinking is we will see how great she looks and say “oh, if I buy one of those my hips and tummy will look as great as hers- and I’ll look like Dolly Pardon to boot.” Then, our lovely lady lumps would be in the right place, rather than on our backs and bellies. If that damn piece of lycra can make me (a size 14) to look like her (a size 4 maybe?) I’d shell out hundreds of dollars, never take it off, and even wear it to bed. Maybe I could just cut a few key holes in it…

Whoever made lycra is a genius.

Yeah, wow, I had those on nice and tight yesterday. Sorry! Feeling much better today. I think I may have had a little case of South Beach Flu. Apparently in phase one if you don’t eat enough foods with natural sugar in them (milk and beans), your blood sugar can drop pretty low and make you feel shaky and crappy. And that’s how I felt. I’d never experienced that before, but coming off a sugar-full week and going back to ph. 1 for a detox, that could be why. And as pissed at myself as I was for eating that cake yesterday, it actually made me feel better physically because of the sugar. J and I went for an hour long walk last night so I figure I negated it at least.

This weekend we are going away with my family to Newport, RI, where we have gone the last 20 summers. No lie. It’s nice, but really getting old. I am a little concerned about staying on the Beach, but mostly because, although I LOVE my family, they are a little nosy. Like I know for certain one night we will walk downtown and get Ben and Jerry’s. And I don’t want it. But, I’m already like, how am I going to explain that one? They will ask “why aren’t you having any?” Then my dad will ask me 10,000 questions about what I’m doing, how does it work, and then start watchdogging “should you be eating that? Is that on South Beach?” I know they are well-intentioned but it’s so irritating. I don’t want to have to explain my choices or reasons to anyone. My parents (more my dad) watchdogged my eating enough as a kid (to the point of embarrassing me in front of others, although it wasn’t intentional) I don’t need it now as an adult too. My dad is a great guy, but he just sometimes doesn’t realize his efforts to be helpful (in any area) are sometimes intrusive or misdirected. The worst part is that if I try to solve it by kindly asking him to back off, my mother jumps in and gets all offended for him. “Oh, sorry, we can’t ask you anything” and the such. Lordy. It’s gonna be a long weekend.

I ate a slice of cake. I knew today was a shitty day.

Mmmm….cookies. Anyways, I’m in a crabby mood right now, triggered by J, which RARELY happens. Last night he went out to see off a friend who’s leaving town permanently and he went straight after work. They went out, had dinner, hung out played darts at the bar etc. Do you know what time he got home? 12 am. Ok, so why does that irritate me? Well, firstly because I didn’t expect him to be home that late. Why I care, I don’t know, but it got me. Secondly, any time during the week that we go somewhere and 10o’clock rolls around he can barely keep his eyes open, but last night he went into the city, AND drove home with his crusty contacts in. He hates night driving, but he did it. Then he emails me today complaining how tired he is. DUH! No shit! What did you expect, to be ready to run a marathon? Stupid. And why don’t you unpack your damn suitcase from our trip we returned from on Sunday? Grr….

The other thing I am irritated about (and I apologize if you fall under this category-this is just a rant, not directed to anyone in particular- but it’s how I feel) is when I see people (online or in real life) who bitch about needing to lose weight and then you look at their numbers and/or picture and they are like 130 pounds, size 6 or under. WTF??? You have NO idea what it is like to teeter on the brink of obesity. I’m not saying that these people are perfect, I am sure they have their reasons for wanting to be 85 pounds, but don’t say how fat you are, then talk about how your size 4’s are too tight. I don’t want to hear it. My fourteens would wrap around your entire body 3 times. With room leftover. Your four’s could be my leg warmers. If I decide I’d like to resurrect that style a la Jennifer Beale, I’ll call you and you can hand over those size fours because apparently they don’t fit you anyways.

In other news, the Yanks lost, the Sox won, that’s good for business. And there is wedding anniversary cake in my fridge that I don’t even want. That’s an achievement. I’m sure that poophead will come home and polish it off. Brat.

Definition: Bass (buh-AH-ss) The area where the lower back and upper butt mingle into an unintelligible mix of the two.

I don’t think I will ever forget when I first realized I had a “bass.” At least that’s what I am calling it, I don’t think that’s a real term. But maybe I can start it. Anyways, I think I was 20ish when I first saw my naked back in the mirror(I had avoided it prior to that). I literally thought “Oh my God, THAT’S what I look like from the back???” I was horrified, although I don’t know why I was surprised. Did I really think I had an Angelina Jolie back at a weight of 185? I don’t think JT will ever write a song called “Sexy Bass.” Although that would be a hilariously funny parody.

The thing I hate most is that it is so pancakey. My actual butt, at the bottom of my back right on top of my thighs isn’t bad. It’s the whole lower back/tailbone region that just grosses me out. Flat, white, and flabby. With some girls that have their jeans ride low and sport lower back tattoos, it looks really sexy. If my jeans are riding low, I can only imagine how many people have lost their appetites. I’m beginning to think a goal (provided I have the courage to endure the pain) could be that when I get an actual “Sexy Back”, to get the lower back tattoo I want- the Boston Red Sox “B”. A nice bullseye for the Yankee fan hubby of mine!
I have always dreamed of having what I call a “bread back.” You know the kind of back the looks like a loaf of bread with the seam down the middle? Interesting BoSoxGirl, you even named a part of the body after food. Telling?? I think so.

A Lovely Bread Back

A Bass Like Mine