A Life Less Overweight

If you are easily offended, you may not want to read this post.

Last night J and I were watching a little tv before we went off to bed. It being summer and a Monday, of course nothing good was on, so we tuned in to Dr. 90210 on E! I’ve seen the show a couple of times and of course the people who want plastic surgery and the kinds of things they get done are always just asinine. But last night was the icing on the cake…

A 22 year old girl, really cute, definitely a partier, self-admitted slut, decides she needs plastic surgery… on her”labia minora.”Ladies, that is medical speak for her vaginal lips. Yes, she believed they were too long and “they made her feel self-conscience” especially when she wore a bathing suit or spandex to the gym. Ok, so basically she had a  camel toe. They didn’t show it, I doubt it was that bad, but they did show the skin he removed once it was off- eww. So she has the labiaplasty and then they interview her and she’s like “oh, I’m so glad I had the surgery, I feel so much better about myself now. I can actually go out and not think about my labia.” WHAT?? WHO THE FUCK WALKS AROUND THINKING ABOUT THEIR WHOO-HA LIPS????? And THEN, the doctor says, “oh yes, labiaplasty is the hottest new surgery. A lot of women find it increases self-assurance.” Oh, right. If my dingle is looking hot, then I’m looking hot. WHO THE HELL SEES IT??? I don’t what the hell this girl does during sex, but my husband and I have a pretty hot sex life, and I don’t think he could pick my labia out a of lineup. Please. Like women don’t have enough to worry about with their looks. It’s no longer about how great your tits, stomach and ass look, it’s now increasingly important to be sure your labia are eensy-teensy (because a man might be totally turned off by looking at your vagina during sex ???)  and to make sure that anus has been bleached and waxed. No brown holes girls! Sweetheart, if you are concerned with the color of your anus (again, you must be doing some funky shit in the bedroom or wherever) or the size of your “labia minora”, I’m mildly concerned that there are some underlying mental issues that remain unresolved. Why don’t you send me that check for $3,000 or whatever it cost to have your crotch carved and I’ll use it for something important, like feeding a starving child. But wait, maybe I’d use it on the hottest new plastic surgery- removing excess elbow skin. Come to think of it, it does make me a little self-conscience. I just know J. looks at my elbow skin, especially during sex, and thinks “damn, she really needs to do something about that”, yet he is unfazed by the size of my bulging lower stomach.  I know I’d just feel so much better if my elbow skin was smooth- men would flock the salmon of capistrano. Oh, a girl can dream…