Vindication from my tortured past
Wow, what a night last night. An eye opener. I went out with a my best friend for dinner and a few drinks, and we went to this townie bar I always resolved NEVER to go to. She insisted it isn’t that bad, just to go, and we would only stay for a little bit. So, I went. Sure enough, we saw a few people we knew from school, but nothing for me to really roll my eyes at. Until about after a half hour.
HE walked over. You remember him clearly. The “cool” kid who was brutally mean and tortured you terribly. The kid who with his buddy said hurtful things about the way you dressed, called you fat, ugly, made you feel totally worthless. The kid whom, until last night, when you thought of all the worst insults you’ve ever gotten and whom, whenever you think of him, it brings you back to that terrible dark corner of your mind when you felt like the fat blob that no one could ever love. Yes, HE walked over. He grabbed my friend gave her a hug (I gave him daggers in the back of his head). And then he turns to me and says “JENELLE!! How are you!” like he was happy to see me. WHAT???????????? Are you serious? He had no clue what he had done to me!! He sat there and talked to us for a half hour, blablabla. I listened politely and asked him what he was doing. I was going to be the better person. He proceeded to tell me how we went to jail for DUIs and he lost his job, blablabla. Then, in the first five minutes of us chatting he said “I’m not a loser.” Honey, if you need to say that to me to make yourself feel otherwise, then obviously you feel like one and are trying to prove to me you aren’t.
Then, it came up how he used to throw kickballs at my friend’s head. I laughed and said, “wow, Derek, mean?? Never!” He turned to me and said sincerely “was I ever mean to you?” I was honest and said yes. He asked again, and I again said yes. And then he apologized. Sincerely. He actually hung his head as he said it.
I’ve realized the following things:
1) I am NOT making excuses for kids, but he was 12 when he said those things. It hurt me so badly, and I have carried those remarks with me for so long. HE is one of the reasons I felt so shitty about myself for so long. BUT, he was 12 when he said them. 12 year old kids say mean things. Perhaps things 12 year olds say are shot from the hip, and perhaps it’s weird that at the age of 27 I still believed them to be true.
2) That even though he said those things when he was a kid, I remember them as an adult. Yet, he couldn’t remember even being mean to me. But he remembered me, first and last name, and wanted to know if I remembered him! HA!! If he only knew…
3) His life is so fucked up, and I could see in his eyes, the way he looked at me (I looked hot last night) and my friend, and when I told him how I was married (he drooled over my ring- I wanted to say, see someone thinks I am worthy) and a teacher, that he envied my success. And I truly felt sorry for him. Not pity sorry, but truly sad that this kid ended up with such a shitty life because of the choices he stupidly made.
4) Lastly, I realize that the things he said didn’t begin or end with me. I’m sure there were others. And with how nicely he treated me last night, although it doesn’t make up for it, I don’t think he ever MEANT those things as TRUTHS. He had meant them to be hurtful, absolutely. But I accepted them as what was the truth, that he was just calling things as he saw them. I am beginning to think that isn’t true.
It was a cleansing night. I feel like perhaps the little 12 year old girl in me is starting to feel a little better about herself. She is NOT the piece of shit she was called. And maybe no one ever thought she was to begin with. She just let herself believe they did.