chasing a new me

a hopeful journey toward health through honesty

 

The last first week

My first week of my newest (and final) weight loss journey was easier than I thought.

I lost 10 pounds easily.

I drastically cut back on carbs and sugar.  I felt great.  Five days into eating better, my chronic back pain was practically non-existent.  I had loads of energy.  I thought, “why would I ever want to eat sugar and carbs again now that I know how my body reacts?”

Then I regressed.

Then I felt crappy.  My back hurt and I had no energy.  I had no energy to prepare healthier meals, so the carbs kept on a-coming.  Am I so mad at myself.  Which makes me want to give up.

Carbs make me want to eat more carbs.  Poor food choices make my back (and shoulder and hip and feet) hurt.  (Gluten? Sugar? Yeast?)  Yet I keep coming back to them.  Why?  Budgetary reasons?  Convenience?

Somewhere down deep inside, do I not believe myself worthy of health?  Am I so unhappy in my life that I don’t want to live as long as possible?

I know that depression lies.  I’m used to having that bully in my life.  That meanie has been pushing me around for 25 years.

I don’t like myself.  I binge - often I just can’t stop eating.  I don’t want to eat…. the gravitational pull toward the kitchen is often just too much.

This past weekend was filled with horrible choices.  (Luckily my scale seems to be broken, keeping me from the full knowledge of this weekend’s damage.)  Therefore my nights were filled with a heating pad and a bloated belly.

I need to make it this time.  I can’t afford to continue on this self-destructive path.

Filed under : Uncategorized
By bloominghope
On February 4, 2013
At 8:43 pm
Comments : 0
 
 

Here I go… again

I’m tired.

I’m tired of being fat.

I’m tired of aches and pains.

I’m tired of being a bad example for my son.

I’m tired of diet failure.

I’m tired of hating myself.

I’m tired of second chances.

This is my last chance.  No more second chances.  I may regress, but I will not start over again.

Who am I kidding?  I’m supposed to be honest on this blog.  I succeed at diet failure.  I can only hope to love myself while overcoming negative thought.  This will be a journey… a difficult journey.  Am I ready?  I hope so.

Filed under : Uncategorized
By bloominghope
On
At 8:21 pm
Comments : 0