I have no will power. I lost 2 pounds and end up putting 5 back on. It is like I can’t lose weight. I can. But I can’t at the same time. I don’t even know if I can explain what my mind goes through. I will try though cause maybe putting it down will help. I have brought this up before about how thin I was before(5 years ago). When I was thin I was going through something really bad and I was feeling so guilty that I couldn’t eat. I was that way for about 6 months. I dropped about 20 pounds and thought I looked great. I loved the attention I was getting and not doing good things with the attention I was getting. I finally realized what I was doing was wrong. I was losing my kids, husband and some of my friends. I got myself back on track of doing right. When my DH and I got back together and I wasn’t feeling guilty anymore I started eating. And eating. So much eating that I got to the point I am now. I am comfortable. My DH loves me for who I am. And writing that down just now makes me tear up. I love him so much. I am afraid that if I start to lose weight, or a lot of weight that I will go back to the old me of seeking attention. I know deep inside that I won’t. But that fear is there. I think the fear is there with my DH too. If he sees me losing a bunch of weight will he think I am doing it for the wrong reasons. So, I keep the weight on. And my struggle continues. How can I get past this?
I can walk forever. Play with my kids. Ride my bike. But I can’t continually work out for more 3 weeks in a row. If I start seeing results from working out I stop.
I am really ready for this race I am doing in the end August to be over. Then I can get back to running. I was really enjoying running 3 miles. It was quick. Good workout. I broke out in a sweat. And I was seeing results, but not too dramatically that I wanted to quit. I only quit cause of training for this race.
Okay, I am done complaining and would love to hear any thoughts or ideas to help me. Yelling at me to get my butt moving works too. :)
On a side note. I am liking my new job. And VBS is at our church this week and the food there is killing me. My church does an AWESOME job of feeding the workers. While the kids are in craft, snack or games that is when the adults get to go to adult snack time. I use this time to socialize with all my friends. I am not in a classroom since I am co-director so I do a lot of wandering and snacking. I am going to work on that tomorrow. So my exercise has been walking all over my church campus. So thankful that this year is only 4 days. It really takes a lot out of me. Also glad that I am only working 2 days this week. It is also so weird to think that my kids used to be IN VBS and now one of them is leading games and the other is on the drama team. They grow up so fast.