I want to be a loser

I woke up this morning determined to go for a long walk.  I have got to get some mileage on my legs.  Saw my walking buddy at church and she wanted to walk today.  I told her I was walking at 4 if she wanted to meet me.  She did and she was fine doing the mileage.  She is on my walking team.  So off we went.  All done and we had done 6.5 miles.  Whoo Hoo!!  Felt good.  Toe hurt, but that is nothing new.  I will walk on Tuesday morning.  I might try and get up and go tomorrow.  But I have such a busy day I might skip it and sleep in. 

Eating was ok today. 

My arms were sore today.  I couldn’t figure out why.  Until my son asked me to bowl with him on the Wii.  Ouch.  Oh yeah.  I played the Wii yesterday.  I need to play that thing more often.  Yesterday my Wii age was 23.  That made me feel good.  Today, 37.  Not bad considering that is how old I am.  I remember the first time I played it and my age was almost the oldest it went to.  Embarrassing.  Glad I have been able to get it down. 

Whoo Hoo!!  Two days of walking.  In a row.  Thursday I walked 2 miles in the morning. I had a great day at work.  Ate ok.  Lots of blueberries.  Love those blueberries.  Dh paid bills so we walked the dogs up to the mailbox and around to the park and home.  I think it was about 1.5 miles.  It was nice. 

Woke up Friday morning with plans to walk 5 miles with my friend.  So I wake up at 6, have a breakfast of blueberries and yogurt and off I go to meet her.  Off we went.  Busy road and lots of wind.  Not the good wind either.  It was the wind that was coming from speeding dump trucks.  Finally we turned off that road.  Back to the car.  Wow, that only took little less than an hour.  Are you sure that was 5 miles.  Nope, I checked when I got home and it was 4.  Right on track for my timing.  I thought I had really sped up.  Only in my dreams. 

She has a friend that owns a protein shake store, so we went there after our walk and she treated me with a shake.  Chocolate and toasted marshmallow.   It was really good.  And good for me.  My friend said it was only around 300 calories.  So, that was my snack/lunch.  I will probably have a banana and a sandwich later for lunch. 

Dh and I will probably take the dogs for a walk again tonight.  Only 4 weeks till my big race.  I hope I am ready.  And to top it off I started today.  So more than likely I will be on my period for this big race too.  And that is not fun.  That weekend I will be doped up on Midol, Tylenol, Ibuprofen and Imodium.  Hope I don’t get stung by a bee cause then I will have to take Benadryl.  Maybe I should check with a pharmacist to see if those are all ok to take at the same time.  Throw Red Bull and power bars in that mix and it will be really interesting.  Oh I love Portland to Coast. 

I need to check back in here more often.

 My dh and I had no kids from Sunday afternoon till Wednesday afternoon.  It was so nice.  No teenagers to interrupt us.  We went out to eat.  We went for walks.  We just sat and enjoyed ourselves.  We loved it.  Only a few more years till we are empty nesters and that was a great chance to see that we are compatible for each other with out kids.  We did have fun. 

Monday I woke up and went for a walk.  Just a short one since I had to work.  As I was coming around the corner there was an electrical truck with a guy standing in the door of the truck pouring something out.  Wait, he isn’t pouring something out,  He is peeing.  On the street.  In my neighborhood.  In the light of day.   So I ask him “Are you peeing?”  I think I shocked him.   He looked up at me and said “uh, yeah”  I look up and there was a porta potty 50 feet away from him.  I tell him “There is a frikken porta potty right behind you!!”  “Oh” is what he said.  I couldn’t believe he was peeing right there.  I am still shocked.  They are working on a park that is being built by our house.  Real nice.  I hope other workers use the potty.  And I am glad I jump puddles when I walk. 

I weighed in today.  I was feeling good considering all the bad food I have been eating.  I thought for sure the scale would have a higher number, but I had only gained 1.5 pounds.  Not bad.  I was really expecting something higher.  I am planning on walking Thursday morning.   I go again in 3 weeks and hope to have lost that plus some by then.  We are going on vacation soon with mountain biking, hiking, walking and laying in the sun on my agenda.  Also putting new windows in a house are on the plan.  That should be my upper body workout.  Eating is always hard while we are down there.  It seems like food is out all the time so it is a grazing nightmare.  I think last year I did good, so this year should be good too. 

Today dh and I went and picked blueberries.  9lbs.  We had blueberry pancakes for dinner.  They were so good.  We froze almost all the other ones.  Left some for me to make cobbler tomorrow night.  That was my exercise since I can feel it in my arms. 

Kids are back home and the fighting has already begun.  I am so thankful I work tomorrow.

Oh and I went bought 2 new tank tops from Nike.  They are the best tank tops.  Black and white are the colors I got.  Goes with so much. 

I finally went shoe shopping on Saturday.  I found a pair of shoes and looked around for something cute to wear.  Found a tank top. I didn’t have any good ones to wear while walking so was happy to find a cute tank top. So home I went.  I put on my new shoes and tank top and my cute little walking skirt and off I went for a short walk to try out my shoes and tank.  Perfect.  Shoes felt good for the most part.  I need to re-tie the holes for my next walk.  The tank top was the best. Didn’t rub me raw under the arms.  So the next chance I get, I am going back to that store and buying 2 new tanks in different colors. 

We are heading to Sunriver soon and I need something to walk around in.  My In n’ Out shirts aren’t cute any more.  Might look at shorts while at the store too. 

Food wise has been not so good. 

I have no will power.  I lost 2 pounds and end up putting 5 back on.  It is like I can’t lose weight.  I can.  But I can’t at the same time.  I don’t even know if I can explain what my mind goes through.  I will try though cause maybe putting it down will help.   I have brought this up before about how thin I was before(5 years ago).  When I was thin I was going through something really bad and I was feeling so guilty that I couldn’t eat.  I was that way for about 6 months.  I dropped about 20 pounds and thought I looked great.   I loved the attention I was getting and not doing good things with the attention I was getting.  I finally realized what I was doing was wrong.  I was losing my kids, husband and some of my friends.  I got myself back on track of doing right.  When my DH and I got back together and I wasn’t feeling guilty anymore I started eating.  And eating.  So much eating that I got to the point I am now.  I am comfortable.  My DH loves me for who I am.  And writing that down just now makes me tear up.  I love him so much.  I am afraid that if I start to lose weight, or a lot of weight that I will go back to the old me of seeking attention.  I know deep inside that I won’t.  But that fear is there.  I think the fear is there with my DH too.  If he sees me losing a bunch of weight will he think I am doing it for the wrong reasons.  So, I keep the weight on.  And my struggle continues.  How can I get past this?

I can walk forever.  Play with my kids.  Ride my bike.  But I can’t continually work out for more 3 weeks in a row.  If I start seeing results from working out I stop. 

I am really ready for this race I am doing in the end August to be over.  Then I can get back to running.  I was really enjoying running 3 miles.  It was quick.  Good workout.  I broke out in a sweat.  And I was seeing results, but not too dramatically that I wanted to quit.  I only quit cause of training for this race.  

Okay, I am done complaining and would love to hear any thoughts or ideas to help me.  Yelling at me to get my butt moving works too.  :)   

On a side note.  I am liking my new job.  And VBS is at our church this week and the food there is killing me.  My church does an AWESOME job of feeding the workers.  While the kids are in craft, snack or games that is when the adults get to go to adult snack time.  I use this time to socialize with all my friends.  I am not in a classroom since I am co-director so I do a lot of wandering and snacking.  I am going to work on that tomorrow.  So my exercise has been walking all over my church campus.  So thankful that this year is only 4 days.  It really takes a lot out of me.  Also glad that I am only working 2 days this week.  It is also so weird to think that my kids used to be IN VBS and now one of them is leading games and the other is on the drama team.  They grow up so fast.

Feels like the days are running together when summer is here.  I know that 4th of July is coming though cause my dogs are constantly at my feet at night.  That is when the fireworks start going off in the neighborhood. 

 I walked 3 miles tonight.  45 minutes.  I swear I walk faster than I run.  How can that be? 

Food was ok.  Kids have been making brownies.  Of course the best way to take care of that is to eat them fast so they aren’t around all the time.