And so She Screams: Part Two

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Continued…..

I was reading this amazing blog: http://www.buildaltars.com/2011/04/18/ritual-morning-routine/

She has a 3 part plan that is just genius. One begins with morning routines, which in truth begins with a night routine of bedtimes. (hint it is almost 5am as I write this and I haven’t gone to bed yet….) I felt so much better when I went to sleep at a normal time, and around the same time every night & then woke up at around the same time everyday. I got things done. I was well rested. I read so many articles about health and how sleep is so important.

While I have always been a night owl, I actually love early mornings. The world just beginning to stir. Birds singing. The sun just rising and you can literally feel the warmth washing over you. It is so peaceful & feels just so magickal to me. I have this whimsical fanatasy of waking up early. First thing just running, doing yoga and meditating at my altar, doing a morning ritual/prayer, pulling a tarot card, drinking herbal tea, etc…

So I have decided to shamelessly copy her example to get me started!

STEP 1: Reality Check

Tell the truth about your situation.

My situation: Well my DH was working a night shift. This made it hard if I wanted to see him for more then 10 mins a day. We did this before… I was going to bed just as he came home or when he stayed late which is often the case being in bed before he even got home. Then as he stayed up late he would then sleep in late. Which also sucked for me because it was difficult getting anything done when he is asleep and I don’t want to wake him up.

One solution would be to just follow his same schedule- but it sucked. Because he wouldn’t go to sleep when he got home. He would stay up even later going to be in the early hours of the morning and then sleep until he had to get ready for work. I prefer to be up during the day. Idk but the morning I have always been able to get more done.

BUT…. his new schedule is a 5 day opener. So this gives me an awesome chance to get back on my old schedule. I will set a bedtime. It doesn’t have to be in stone but it needs to be prob within 30 mins of it.

Step 2: What do I need to do to feel good?
Pick three things you need to feel good about yourself.

1. Healthy body- All the good things that take care of my body. Exercising, eating correctly (paying attention to my bloodsugar), eating healthy, vitamins.

2. Spirit. Meditation every morning/night, lighting candles and praying. Just giving a moment to focus on my spirituality every day.

3. Mind. I want to journal every day. Even if it is just 5 mins to write a short note. I love to journal. It helps me work out so many of my crazy thoughts and see things from such a more rational perspective.

These 3 things are the core of me feeling better. They are my roots digging deep down into the Earth and establishing a strong foundation for me to grow.

Step 3: Create & Commit to a Routine

And so begins turning all of that into a routine she says.

Ofcourse this is the hard part lol. If I get up right after the DH leaves for work then I can drink some water, pray/meditate, pull a tarot card and only post it to my tarot journal (no details at first). Then do some quick stretching/exercise followed by more water & breakfast (oh and vitamins oops lol)

Then she goes on to part 2 the practical:

http://www.buildaltars.com/2011/05/24/ritual-morning-routine-part-2/

This is all good advice she lists here. Things I probably wouldn’t have completely thought about. Obviously setting a bedtime like I said before, but also planning ahead so that everything is ready in the morning. I have my tarot cards, candles ready. I know what I am eating for breakfast, what exercises to do, etc…

& things to stay on track- don’t give up if things are not working but instead make changes. & get a buddy- I do have great support and as I have been told need to communicate & share.

I will continue later with step 3- creating a mantra & a collage to help focus my intent!

I really encourage everyone to check out

http://www.buildaltars.com/2011/04/18/ritual-morning-routine/

it is awesome :)

And so She Screams: Part One

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I was thinking of a whisper. Small & subtle. Hinting at something larger perhaps but only alittle tickle in your ear. Is this the Goddesses energy? Something so easily ignored and forgotten?

Before I think I had imagined so. Not in quite so many words. Yet I knew that even though I knew of the Goddess, that I had faith and could reach out and speak to Her on my whim, that somehow she was only a whisper the rest of the time. Something in the back of my mind.

But it occurred to me today as I was thinking of whispers and such that I am very wrong.

No Her voice is not a whisper but a SCREAM!

She sings a song that fills the entire world. The birds singing cheerily within the trees. The thunder booming as Her lightning dances across the sky. my own heart beating. Everywhere I look, everything I hear is filled with Her voice.

So why the whisper feeling? The Goddess is not hiding in the shadows waiting for me. I am the one turning away. Blocking out the world and only focusing on my tragedy.

Basically I have been thinking alot about some things my sister said to me (aren’t sisters awesome?) it just seems that when I am in my worst place, feeling so low and hopeless I turn away from the world. Away from my family, away from things I love and care about. And even away from the Goddess. All the things that could make me feel better and yet I block them out. It is like I am in a dark hole hidden from the sun and choose to blow out my candle.

I have never lost the Goddess. She was still there, never leaving me. I just was attempting to block Her out as well so that She seemed only a whisper. I still pray everyday. I talk to Her. I listen to Her, well not apparently well enough huh?

But I have lost my practice. My altar sat collecting dust. Sabbats went by unnoticed. A part of yearned for it but I chose to ignore it still.

But no more!

I can’t keep sitting by and waiting for the stars to align. Waiting for everything to be perfect and for me to be ecstatically completely happy- that day will never come. I love the quote- It is the journey not the destination. And it is so true. Things will come together by actions.

~ I also realized that when I was doing really well & was so much happier it was when I had a routine, a daily ritual truly. I need a structure. I need to build up some foundation, sink my roots in deeply and give myself that healthy room to grow from that place. It is the entire root of my problems, not feeling confident, safe, trusting of myself, in control. Instead I feel dizzy, disoriented, overwhelmed, balancing on one foot as the ground beneath me shakes & crumbles!

To be continued…..

It is an uphill battle somedays…

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Well I gained weight this week. I saw it coming a mile away. I was sick last week and lost a big number and knew once I started eating normally it would come back. I was hoping for a smaller gain…lol but such is life.

I didn’t workout and I ate bad. Surprisingly I can’t just wish the fat off I actually have to make changes and take action! But a new week is here and I will do better :)

Today I just decided to do it and did some wii fit boxing and hula hoops then did just dance & then just danced around a ton till I couldn’t move anymore lol. I really love dancing. I looked online for the wii zumba but for some reason it seems out of stock like everywhere and where they do have it its marked up to $70 so yeah I don’t think so lol. Maybe I will try to get Just Dance 2.

But idk because I need to save my money up. Going on a trip in June to visit my family yay!! I miss them so much. It is really hard living so far away from them. I am super excited about it. But on the flip side there is alot of issues it brings up. Taking a trip is alot of money- the plane is like $500 and then duh spending money too. Also leaving my husband home all alone. Last time I visited my family we lived near his family/friends and he spent alot of time visiting his friends and his brother came over. But now we live like 3-4 hour drive away from everyone. So that means he will pretty much be all alone the entire time. That makes me sad. I am sure at first it will be nice having the place to himself lol but it will quickly be sad :( On top of it I miss my kitties and birds. I won’t be too worried because I can bug the DH to feed them over the phone lol but I know he won’t let the birds out of their cage for exercise at all and I am hoping he wont just leave them covered or locked in the bedroom too much.

And ofcourse it also means I really need to get focused and drop some lbs!! Ofcourse I wanna look awesome for when I visit and also because June in texas I am gonna melt and so I totally want to be wearing some shorts and tank top and feel confident about it.

but overall I am just very very excited!!

Also I have decided to start walking. I really miss it. I love just being outside walking. And I also think it was what helped me lose weight so well the first time. I just need to suck it up. Get over all my fears and get out there. Ok so that is so much easier said then done for me. I think my biggest worry (excuse) is because where I live now is on this giant hill. Sure going down will be easy. Trying to push my butt back up it will be the killer. And little miss anxiety me is already nervous enough with thinking about everyone’s eyes on me as I huff and puff and struggle to walk up a hill or pass out in the middle of the road (also why does no where have side walks it seems anymore??)

But I am gonna do it. I mapped out a smidge over a mile on sparkfitness maps. And I will see how it goes from there.

Oh look a collar bone!

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This is gonna be a positive post for once. I swear people who read my blog often might think I am bipolar with my mood swings lol

I am actually just in a great mood today. Sun is shining, birds are singing kindof day :) So I thought I would channel that energy and focus my thoughts and blog some.

It is funny how things can go just awful and yet somehow lead things to be better. I am just getting over a very nasty stomach flu and while it was truly horrid it also has managed to reach out and catch me just as i was losing my way and brought me right back to my path with new insight and opened eyes I guess.

For starters not being able to keep anything down left me with a hefty weight loss this week. Which I do not consider a good thing or actually “counting” because I would rather lose it the right way and if I had any choice in the matter I would would never go through that in the first place even if it meant losing all the weight in the world lol!!!

But on the flip side the loss took me to my goal of losing my first 20lbs. Now I am actually not counting it because I KNOW I will gain some of this weight back next week so it does not feel right to celebrate just yet. but seeing it right there in front of my face just feels amazing. It was like a little reminder of hello you can do this!

Secondly small changes are popping up that have me so excited in a way only my fellow weight loss sisters can possible understand….

I CAN FEEL MY COLLAR BONE!!!!

I remember the first time I was losing weight and I lost 20lbs all the amazing changes my body went through. I lose weight first in my collar and shoulders and apparently I am sticking to that pattern again lol. It was funny because last time if you had looked at me in that area you would have thought I was tiny skinny but the rest of me was still big lol.

Now I haven’t lost enough yet for it to all pop out but I can feel it there! I can’t keep my hands off myself now! (not in a pervy way lol) I just keep running my hands over my collar & shoulders over and over because its so new!!!

It is really an amazing feeling! and then there is also the fact that my legs have gotten smaller and I can slip on/off my winter boots without zipping/unzipping them. And my jeans without unbuttoning them- actually my jeans barely stay up now lol.

My stomach is weirding out though into this misshapen mess. But idk if that is the weight loss or being sick and not eating did it or a mixture? We will see if it fixes out? And I am not really sure how to describe a misshapen belly lol. I tried to tell my husband and he gave me the strangest look and was like what do you mean misshapen? lol

if you don’t know me, well I gain like all my weight in my stomach. So I have a big stomach :( Well right now the sides are like sunken in some which idk if it looks any different or not but it feels totally different (more of me running my hands all over the new stuff lol)

So anyways along with all of those changes I have also gained some perspective I guess. Things don’t need to be so complicated. I think I need a giant poster saying that because truly it might be my biggest issue. It doesn’t need to be all or nothing. Every little oops is not the end of the world. I don’t need to rack my brain with self doubt on every tiny step I make wondering if I am doing it right or wrong.

I saw on the forums I visit someone posted a link to meal plans-
http://diabeticgourmet.com/Food_and_Dining/Meal_Planning/ Scroll down to the left hand side. It shows full menus. It gives me some good ideas. I think I am going to just keep things simple for a while like that.

Anyways I still feel a bit sick. My appetite is not fully back yet and my body is still sore and weak and yucky lol. Hopefully I feel all back to normal by friday which is when me and the DH are celebrating our valentines day.

This is the story of? a girl, Who cried a river and drowned the whole world

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I hit face first into a brick wall and fell straight down onto my ass with a crash. One week has passed and I have just retreated into a sad depressed pity party. I ate bad & didn’t count a thing, I didn’t exercise at all. And I have cried alot.

I feel like I have this hole inside my chest. Like someone reached inside of me and ripped out a piece of me. It feels so empty and yet it aches a real pain.

It is just so difficult. I don’t think anyone can understand. I try to talk to them and they act as if I have an off/on switch and all I need to do is turn it on and be happy.

It is really bad. I just hurt and it feels like I am struggling to keep my head above water and it takes every shred of energy, every bit of motivation to just get out of bed. and then I feel so lifeless to do anything. All i can find myself doing is crying.

I tried to talk to my husband last night and he fell asleep in the middle of me talking. I’m not mad at him it was like 3:30am and he was exhausted and we were in bed.

Even though I did nothing this week I still lost 1.2lbs. How? idk… that makes zero sense to me at all. I do everything right (exercise and count calories) and I lose 1.2lbs then I do nothing and I still lose the same amount? really now?

and this is what I don’t understand, I can do so bad sometimes. I can eat pizza and go way overboard with everything and binge out like i have ZERO self control. and yet I go shopping and I am super good. I was in the chip/pop aisle with my husband because he wanted chips and omg I soooo wanted pop. I would have gotten diet dr pepper cherry and wanted it really bad. But I told myself no pop, even diet. When I drink it I almost have no water and it just is bad for me. & I did great. I just walked out of the aisle and didn’t get any.

They have all the vday candy & chocolates I didn’t even look at any of it. I didn’t pick up frozen pizza or pizza rolls. I hate that they have all those cupcakes in the bread aisle but I walked right on by without a second glance.

How? How can I do so good sometimes and other times not? I don’t get it.

I think everything would be alot better or perhaps more simple if I could just figure out what was going on with myself lol

I am struggling I really am. But I haven’t given up yet. and that is what is important. I know this isn’t just about losing weight. It is about taking care of myself and being healthy which will make me feel better body, mind and soul. It is a really rocky road but I will just keep climbing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZIANBamMgas

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NG2zyeVRcbs

Sunday Weigh in- 15lbs lost

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Today is this bad/good day all rolled into one. sigh.

First the good. Woohoo *happy dance* I lost 1.4lbs this week bringing me to a total of 15.2lbs lost!!!! That is not just good but great news :) On top of it I have lost some inches here and there which is great too. Though it also means my clothes are getting wacky lol.

For example I bought sports bras a good while back. This 3 pack. They were a bit tight on me. Now they are a bit loose so it is not very comfortable. While I was working out the other day I lifted my arms up and the bottom flag rolled up!! It didn’t want to stay in place. But it is tough because I know I have just gotten the ball rolling and will be dropping more weight & not having alot of money to go buy new stuff every other week or whatever.

My pants are having some issues staying up as well lol! So even though I haven’t been losing a ton of weight this month it seems I have lost inches or whatnot.

Now the bad… I am stressed to the brim. Trying not to throw myself under the bus. But when you are an emotional eater being depressed and stressed just makes it so much harder. I am having alot of marriage issues. It seems every single time my husband is around we fight. /vent- he is just an immature, self absorbed, selfish, inconsiderate ass!!!! I’m just sick and tired of feeling like my thoughts, feelings, opinions do not matter.

I just feel like I am finally getting strong enough to lift myself up and he is the one tearing me down.

and to make matters worse I am in such a horrible situation that I know I put myself in (self hate awarded for that) that it doesn’t matter. It is like I am in this tiny little box that I put myself in and I can’t get out right now so what does it matter??

I think part of the solution to atleast grant me some freedom and strength would be for me to be able to get my license and drive. & Then to get a job. But oh no I have to be agoraphobic panic attack girl who can’t leave her house or deal with people or the big scary world.

So idk… is part of the problem just the fact that I must depend on him or is it more? Sometimes I wonder if I could drive, had my own money would I still be here? and right now I just don’t know…

and don’t get me wrong. Some days I love him more then anything and I can’t imagine my life without him. It just seems that those times are too few and inbetween.

I just need to focus on myself right now. Take care of my body. Let it build my courage, my strength. Things will get better.

But for now I’ll celebrate my victories. I won’t give up like I usually would in this situation. Yay for 15lbs down!!!! I think upping my calories helped me alot this week. I just need to make sure I don’t binge!!

Beginning to feel the changes

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Exercise:
Wii Fit Yoga + Rhythm Boxing  18 mins (50 calories burned)
My Fitness Coach 30 mins (125 calories burned)
Wii Free Step 30 mins (115 calories burned)
Food Tracked: http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_tracker.asp?id=CAELESTIS&dte=1%2F25%2F2011

So it has been 25 days in since I have started my new journey. I think I have finally started to feel changes yay. I have more energy for sure. I feel stronger and beginning to feel it in how I move. I am getting more flexable.

and it all feels GREAT!

I tried the rhythm boxing on the Wii. It is alot of fun. I’ll keep doing it! I am also trying to do yoga. It is a bit rough lol. It is hard to do it on the wii. It is a bit hard to follow when trying to watch it on the tv screen when ofcourse many poses you are not able to also look at the tv lol. I guess I should just watch each step until I get it and then practice until I can do it along. I also worry about doing it correctly.

I kindof wish I could take a class. But I don’t have the extra money or transport and yeah panic attack me take a class ha! Maybe someday….

For now I will just keep trying. I just wish I could find a dvd that was really awesome for beginners. When I was way younger my mom had a vhs yoga for beginners tape that was awesome. it was so easy to follow and good paced I loved it. But I can’t remember the name of it :(

Good news today I was able to stay in range for my calories! I ate a big ugly fatty hamburger for lunch to do it though… I got some good advice from my mom to look at reynolds wrap.com for recipes. So gonna try next week to make some chicken and veggies in a foil wrapper. Hopefully I can get my calorie planning under control and things will smooth out.

Of Blue Hair & Tattoos ~ Goals & Rewards!

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Exercise:

My Fitness Coach 30 mins (127 calories burned)
Wii Fit Rhythm Boxing 10 mins (47 calories burned)
Wii Free Run 1 mile 14mins (112 calories burned)
Food Tracked: http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_tracker.asp?id=CAELESTIS&dte=1%2F24%2F2011

So First of all I decided that I would like to set a goal/reward for myself. Once I lose 20ish more lbs which will put me at 195lbs. I’ll be in Onederland! And have lost a total of 36lbs yay!

Anyways when I reach that goal, I am going to dye my hair BLUE! I have always wanted to do it and always felt insecure, self conscious. I want to hide not do things to draw attention to myself or stand out :( And I want that attitude to change to be who I want to be without fear.

I’ll go and treat myself to getting my hair trimmed and then have them bleach the hell out of it lmao!

Also I decided that for my birthday which is way far away in September I hope to be close to my goal of 165 if not hit it. So as long as I stay on track I want to get another tattoo.

I really really want a tattoo on my wrist. I was thinking of something spiritual and meaningful to me. I really loved the idea of a triple moon but instead of the moon/circle in the center of two crescent moons I would do like a heart. But then I saw this star and smacked it inbetween two crescent moons and omg I LOVE it!

My DH will flip out. I am sure it will be a fight. He wasn’t thrilled with me getting the butterfly on my ankle. But it is my body & not like I am getting something across my forehead or a whole sleeve done lol So he can just deal with it I don’t care….

The moon is a very important symbol in my religion. It symbolizes the Goddess and femininity, and to match my goals it represents change ~ the ever changing phases of the moon. The star is a symbol of balance. Each point represents an element earth, air, fire, water and spirit. All tied together.

On another note… I have not been doing well at all. I have not been eating enough calories. :( Bad me. On top of the exercise it is probably not good for me at all. I think part of it is some subconscious fear of eating too much but mostly I think it is just bad planning and time management.

So I have decided to be a bit more specific in my schedule and planning. I need to set a bed time for myself & stick to it and I’ll get 9 hours of sleep and make sure to get up the same everyday. Then I am going to split my meals up into 5 meals for the day. Three normal ones and 2 snacks but close to the same calories.

I will make sure I get enough calories in each day.

Weigh in Day: Must Get Focused

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Exercise:
Wii Yoga & strength 40 mins
My fitness Coach 30 mins
Food Tracker: http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_tracker.asp?id=CAELESTIS&dte=1%2F23%2F2011

Today was my weigh in day. I lost .6lbs this week. Not great but any weight is still good progress so yay!

I was abit worried I wasn’t going to lose because I didn’t have the best week. I ate fatty hamburgers two days in a row. I didn’t exercise on most of the days. So really I should be happier about that .6lbs!

My wonderful DH screws me up big time lol. I don’t want to blame him because blah blah I know I make my own choices. But it is alot harder for me on his days off. He throws off my schedule horribly. And there is alot of stress there. It pretty much makes me sad. Part of me is like if it was someone else I would give advice that your husband should be there to lift you up not pull you down. He should help to bring out your best not your worst.

So I am just a bit depressed there and it sure doesn’t make this change any easier.

Anyways on a much lighter note… I tried flaxseed. I had like no clue where to look for it at the store but I was looking in the cereal aisle for oatmeal. Which I am totally sad because I love Kashi Vanilla Oatmeal and they don’t sell it there anymore sigh. Anyways though by the healthy cereals they had a bag of wild roots flaxseed. I was afraid to try it lol But I put some in my smoothie and in my oatmeal. Didn’t seem to change the flavor or anything.

I just really want to get myself on track and focused. Right now it feels like I have one foot in and one foot out. Just going back and forth of how much energy I put forward, how hard I try, etc… Some days I am doing really good and then others I just like surrender.  I just need to pull it together.

My Mantra~ I am a strong powerful Amazon Goddess!

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Exercise:
My Fitness Coach 30 mins (136 calories burned)
Wii fit stuff idk yet lol?
Food tracked-
http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_tracker.asp?id=CAELESTIS&dte=1%2F19%2F2011

Today is going much better then yesterday. I am really beginning to see the difference just in how my attitude can influence so much more and my entire day/life. That is a positive step for me.

Getting things done & exercising makes me feel so much better. It just makes me feel alive. I love this feeling.

Anyways today I was exercising and I started feeling like giving up. I tried thinking of the people on biggest loser because seeing them being bigger then me and working so much harder then me and pushing themselves usually motivates me to power through but I was having none of it today lol

Then all of a sudden I remembered the song Fighter by christina aguilera

“Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter “

But I couldn’t remember any of the words to the song right then lmao.

But it stuck with me FIGHTER. I am a fighter. I am a strong powerful AMAZON Goddess! I pictured myself thin, firm, strong, clad in leather with a sword. Ready to do battle. Nothing in this world would dare stand in my way.

All of a sudden boom it wasn’t too hard. I picked up my pace and powered through it.

And it really made me think, THIS is a battle. A battle for my life, my health, for everything I want and everything I am. I have to fight. Fight against all my self doubt, self hate, insecurities, demons, voices in my head, against laziness, and distractions. Agains the easy way out.

I am not 100% sure mantra is the right word lol But this image of me as the Amazon is burned into my head now. I am a fighter. I won’t give up. Every step, every push will just make me stronger. I can do it. I can do anything!

On another totally unrelated note. I am getting a kitten today! Well in a few hours actually alittle calico girlly who we will call Klhoe to do along with our K names. Our cats- Kami (rip), Kisa, Keeba, Kye.  We actually didn’t start out trying to do all K names it just happened but the DH likes it and says it must be a K name now lol

So a co-worker of his had a stray mommy kitty give birth in her yard lol She has kindof been watching out for them and feeding them. She is going to take in the mom and was finding homes for all the kittens. My DH couldn’t say no and once he told me I couldn’t either lol. I love calico’s I had one when I was alittle girl and my neighbors stole her! (Who steals a little girls kitten really??)

Anyways on the other side I know it is sooo stupid. We already have 3 cats. (& 2 parakeets) and live in an apartment…. I swore up and down no more cats and that in the future no more then 2. No we are back up to 4 (our lovely princess Kami passed away in September taking us down to 3)

We are insane lol

And the DH says I can’t talk about the new kitten on facebook at all because he doesn’t want his family to know because they will think we are crazy(crazier lmao)

Anyways I am getting pizza for dinner. eek. No it is good. The other week I had a binge on pizza and way way over ate. Today I am strong. I will be a good girl. I counted it in my calories.

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