I was thinking of a whisper. Small & subtle. Hinting at something larger perhaps but only alittle tickle in your ear. Is this the Goddesses energy? Something so easily ignored and forgotten?
Before I think I had imagined so. Not in quite so many words. Yet I knew that even though I knew of the Goddess, that I had faith and could reach out and speak to Her on my whim, that somehow she was only a whisper the rest of the time. Something in the back of my mind.
But it occurred to me today as I was thinking of whispers and such that I am very wrong.
No Her voice is not a whisper but a SCREAM!
She sings a song that fills the entire world. The birds singing cheerily within the trees. The thunder booming as Her lightning dances across the sky. my own heart beating. Everywhere I look, everything I hear is filled with Her voice.
So why the whisper feeling? The Goddess is not hiding in the shadows waiting for me. I am the one turning away. Blocking out the world and only focusing on my tragedy.
Basically I have been thinking alot about some things my sister said to me (aren’t sisters awesome?) it just seems that when I am in my worst place, feeling so low and hopeless I turn away from the world. Away from my family, away from things I love and care about. And even away from the Goddess. All the things that could make me feel better and yet I block them out. It is like I am in a dark hole hidden from the sun and choose to blow out my candle.
I have never lost the Goddess. She was still there, never leaving me. I just was attempting to block Her out as well so that She seemed only a whisper. I still pray everyday. I talk to Her. I listen to Her, well not apparently well enough huh?
But I have lost my practice. My altar sat collecting dust. Sabbats went by unnoticed. A part of yearned for it but I chose to ignore it still.
But no more!
I can’t keep sitting by and waiting for the stars to align. Waiting for everything to be perfect and for me to be ecstatically completely happy- that day will never come. I love the quote- It is the journey not the destination. And it is so true. Things will come together by actions.
~ I also realized that when I was doing really well & was so much happier it was when I had a routine, a daily ritual truly. I need a structure. I need to build up some foundation, sink my roots in deeply and give myself that healthy room to grow from that place. It is the entire root of my problems, not feeling confident, safe, trusting of myself, in control. Instead I feel dizzy, disoriented, overwhelmed, balancing on one foot as the ground beneath me shakes & crumbles!
To be continued…..