Posted by blasphemie on February 8th, 2011 |Filed Under General |
I hit face first into a brick wall and fell straight down onto my ass with a crash. One week has passed and I have just retreated into a sad depressed pity party. I ate bad & didn’t count a thing, I didn’t exercise at all. And I have cried alot.
I feel like I have this hole inside my chest. Like someone reached inside of me and ripped out a piece of me. It feels so empty and yet it aches a real pain.
It is just so difficult. I don’t think anyone can understand. I try to talk to them and they act as if I have an off/on switch and all I need to do is turn it on and be happy.
It is really bad. I just hurt and it feels like I am struggling to keep my head above water and it takes every shred of energy, every bit of motivation to just get out of bed. and then I feel so lifeless to do anything. All i can find myself doing is crying.
I tried to talk to my husband last night and he fell asleep in the middle of me talking. I’m not mad at him it was like 3:30am and he was exhausted and we were in bed.
Even though I did nothing this week I still lost 1.2lbs. How? idk… that makes zero sense to me at all. I do everything right (exercise and count calories) and I lose 1.2lbs then I do nothing and I still lose the same amount? really now?
and this is what I don’t understand, I can do so bad sometimes. I can eat pizza and go way overboard with everything and binge out like i have ZERO self control. and yet I go shopping and I am super good. I was in the chip/pop aisle with my husband because he wanted chips and omg I soooo wanted pop. I would have gotten diet dr pepper cherry and wanted it really bad. But I told myself no pop, even diet. When I drink it I almost have no water and it just is bad for me. & I did great. I just walked out of the aisle and didn’t get any.
They have all the vday candy & chocolates I didn’t even look at any of it. I didn’t pick up frozen pizza or pizza rolls. I hate that they have all those cupcakes in the bread aisle but I walked right on by without a second glance.
How? How can I do so good sometimes and other times not? I don’t get it.
I think everything would be alot better or perhaps more simple if I could just figure out what was going on with myself lol
I am struggling I really am. But I haven’t given up yet. and that is what is important. I know this isn’t just about losing weight. It is about taking care of myself and being healthy which will make me feel better body, mind and soul. It is a really rocky road but I will just keep climbing.