It is an uphill battle somedays…

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Well I gained weight this week. I saw it coming a mile away. I was sick last week and lost a big number and knew once I started eating normally it would come back. I was hoping for a smaller gain…lol but such is life.

I didn’t workout and I ate bad. Surprisingly I can’t just wish the fat off I actually have to make changes and take action! But a new week is here and I will do better :)

Today I just decided to do it and did some wii fit boxing and hula hoops then did just dance & then just danced around a ton till I couldn’t move anymore lol. I really love dancing. I looked online for the wii zumba but for some reason it seems out of stock like everywhere and where they do have it its marked up to $70 so yeah I don’t think so lol. Maybe I will try to get Just Dance 2.

But idk because I need to save my money up. Going on a trip in June to visit my family yay!! I miss them so much. It is really hard living so far away from them. I am super excited about it. But on the flip side there is alot of issues it brings up. Taking a trip is alot of money- the plane is like $500 and then duh spending money too. Also leaving my husband home all alone. Last time I visited my family we lived near his family/friends and he spent alot of time visiting his friends and his brother came over. But now we live like 3-4 hour drive away from everyone. So that means he will pretty much be all alone the entire time. That makes me sad. I am sure at first it will be nice having the place to himself lol but it will quickly be sad :( On top of it I miss my kitties and birds. I won’t be too worried because I can bug the DH to feed them over the phone lol but I know he won’t let the birds out of their cage for exercise at all and I am hoping he wont just leave them covered or locked in the bedroom too much.

And ofcourse it also means I really need to get focused and drop some lbs!! Ofcourse I wanna look awesome for when I visit and also because June in texas I am gonna melt and so I totally want to be wearing some shorts and tank top and feel confident about it.

but overall I am just very very excited!!

Also I have decided to start walking. I really miss it. I love just being outside walking. And I also think it was what helped me lose weight so well the first time. I just need to suck it up. Get over all my fears and get out there. Ok so that is so much easier said then done for me. I think my biggest worry (excuse) is because where I live now is on this giant hill. Sure going down will be easy. Trying to push my butt back up it will be the killer. And little miss anxiety me is already nervous enough with thinking about everyone’s eyes on me as I huff and puff and struggle to walk up a hill or pass out in the middle of the road (also why does no where have side walks it seems anymore??)

But I am gonna do it. I mapped out a smidge over a mile on sparkfitness maps. And I will see how it goes from there.

Oh look a collar bone!

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This is gonna be a positive post for once. I swear people who read my blog often might think I am bipolar with my mood swings lol

I am actually just in a great mood today. Sun is shining, birds are singing kindof day :) So I thought I would channel that energy and focus my thoughts and blog some.

It is funny how things can go just awful and yet somehow lead things to be better. I am just getting over a very nasty stomach flu and while it was truly horrid it also has managed to reach out and catch me just as i was losing my way and brought me right back to my path with new insight and opened eyes I guess.

For starters not being able to keep anything down left me with a hefty weight loss this week. Which I do not consider a good thing or actually “counting” because I would rather lose it the right way and if I had any choice in the matter I would would never go through that in the first place even if it meant losing all the weight in the world lol!!!

But on the flip side the loss took me to my goal of losing my first 20lbs. Now I am actually not counting it because I KNOW I will gain some of this weight back next week so it does not feel right to celebrate just yet. but seeing it right there in front of my face just feels amazing. It was like a little reminder of hello you can do this!

Secondly small changes are popping up that have me so excited in a way only my fellow weight loss sisters can possible understand….

I CAN FEEL MY COLLAR BONE!!!!

I remember the first time I was losing weight and I lost 20lbs all the amazing changes my body went through. I lose weight first in my collar and shoulders and apparently I am sticking to that pattern again lol. It was funny because last time if you had looked at me in that area you would have thought I was tiny skinny but the rest of me was still big lol.

Now I haven’t lost enough yet for it to all pop out but I can feel it there! I can’t keep my hands off myself now! (not in a pervy way lol) I just keep running my hands over my collar & shoulders over and over because its so new!!!

It is really an amazing feeling! and then there is also the fact that my legs have gotten smaller and I can slip on/off my winter boots without zipping/unzipping them. And my jeans without unbuttoning them- actually my jeans barely stay up now lol.

My stomach is weirding out though into this misshapen mess. But idk if that is the weight loss or being sick and not eating did it or a mixture? We will see if it fixes out? And I am not really sure how to describe a misshapen belly lol. I tried to tell my husband and he gave me the strangest look and was like what do you mean misshapen? lol

if you don’t know me, well I gain like all my weight in my stomach. So I have a big stomach :( Well right now the sides are like sunken in some which idk if it looks any different or not but it feels totally different (more of me running my hands all over the new stuff lol)

So anyways along with all of those changes I have also gained some perspective I guess. Things don’t need to be so complicated. I think I need a giant poster saying that because truly it might be my biggest issue. It doesn’t need to be all or nothing. Every little oops is not the end of the world. I don’t need to rack my brain with self doubt on every tiny step I make wondering if I am doing it right or wrong.

I saw on the forums I visit someone posted a link to meal plans-
http://diabeticgourmet.com/Food_and_Dining/Meal_Planning/ Scroll down to the left hand side. It shows full menus. It gives me some good ideas. I think I am going to just keep things simple for a while like that.

Anyways I still feel a bit sick. My appetite is not fully back yet and my body is still sore and weak and yucky lol. Hopefully I feel all back to normal by friday which is when me and the DH are celebrating our valentines day.

This is the story of? a girl, Who cried a river and drowned the whole world

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I hit face first into a brick wall and fell straight down onto my ass with a crash. One week has passed and I have just retreated into a sad depressed pity party. I ate bad & didn’t count a thing, I didn’t exercise at all. And I have cried alot.

I feel like I have this hole inside my chest. Like someone reached inside of me and ripped out a piece of me. It feels so empty and yet it aches a real pain.

It is just so difficult. I don’t think anyone can understand. I try to talk to them and they act as if I have an off/on switch and all I need to do is turn it on and be happy.

It is really bad. I just hurt and it feels like I am struggling to keep my head above water and it takes every shred of energy, every bit of motivation to just get out of bed. and then I feel so lifeless to do anything. All i can find myself doing is crying.

I tried to talk to my husband last night and he fell asleep in the middle of me talking. I’m not mad at him it was like 3:30am and he was exhausted and we were in bed.

Even though I did nothing this week I still lost 1.2lbs. How? idk… that makes zero sense to me at all. I do everything right (exercise and count calories) and I lose 1.2lbs then I do nothing and I still lose the same amount? really now?

and this is what I don’t understand, I can do so bad sometimes. I can eat pizza and go way overboard with everything and binge out like i have ZERO self control. and yet I go shopping and I am super good. I was in the chip/pop aisle with my husband because he wanted chips and omg I soooo wanted pop. I would have gotten diet dr pepper cherry and wanted it really bad. But I told myself no pop, even diet. When I drink it I almost have no water and it just is bad for me. & I did great. I just walked out of the aisle and didn’t get any.

They have all the vday candy & chocolates I didn’t even look at any of it. I didn’t pick up frozen pizza or pizza rolls. I hate that they have all those cupcakes in the bread aisle but I walked right on by without a second glance.

How? How can I do so good sometimes and other times not? I don’t get it.

I think everything would be alot better or perhaps more simple if I could just figure out what was going on with myself lol

I am struggling I really am. But I haven’t given up yet. and that is what is important. I know this isn’t just about losing weight. It is about taking care of myself and being healthy which will make me feel better body, mind and soul. It is a really rocky road but I will just keep climbing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZIANBamMgas

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NG2zyeVRcbs