Posted by blasphemie on January 30th, 2011 |Filed Under General |
Today is this bad/good day all rolled into one. sigh.
First the good. Woohoo *happy dance* I lost 1.4lbs this week bringing me to a total of 15.2lbs lost!!!! That is not just good but great news On top of it I have lost some inches here and there which is great too. Though it also means my clothes are getting wacky lol.
For example I bought sports bras a good while back. This 3 pack. They were a bit tight on me. Now they are a bit loose so it is not very comfortable. While I was working out the other day I lifted my arms up and the bottom flag rolled up!! It didn’t want to stay in place. But it is tough because I know I have just gotten the ball rolling and will be dropping more weight & not having alot of money to go buy new stuff every other week or whatever.
My pants are having some issues staying up as well lol! So even though I haven’t been losing a ton of weight this month it seems I have lost inches or whatnot.
Now the bad… I am stressed to the brim. Trying not to throw myself under the bus. But when you are an emotional eater being depressed and stressed just makes it so much harder. I am having alot of marriage issues. It seems every single time my husband is around we fight. /vent- he is just an immature, self absorbed, selfish, inconsiderate ass!!!! I’m just sick and tired of feeling like my thoughts, feelings, opinions do not matter.
I just feel like I am finally getting strong enough to lift myself up and he is the one tearing me down.
and to make matters worse I am in such a horrible situation that I know I put myself in (self hate awarded for that) that it doesn’t matter. It is like I am in this tiny little box that I put myself in and I can’t get out right now so what does it matter??
I think part of the solution to atleast grant me some freedom and strength would be for me to be able to get my license and drive. & Then to get a job. But oh no I have to be agoraphobic panic attack girl who can’t leave her house or deal with people or the big scary world.
So idk… is part of the problem just the fact that I must depend on him or is it more? Sometimes I wonder if I could drive, had my own money would I still be here? and right now I just don’t know…
and don’t get me wrong. Some days I love him more then anything and I can’t imagine my life without him. It just seems that those times are too few and inbetween.
I just need to focus on myself right now. Take care of my body. Let it build my courage, my strength. Things will get better.
But for now I’ll celebrate my victories. I won’t give up like I usually would in this situation. Yay for 15lbs down!!!! I think upping my calories helped me alot this week. I just need to make sure I don’t binge!!