Today is this bad/good day all rolled into one. sigh.
First the good. Woohoo *happy dance* I lost 1.4lbs this week bringing me to a total of 15.2lbs lost!!!! That is not just good but great news 🙂 On top of it I have lost some inches here and there which is great too. Though it also means my clothes are getting wacky lol.
For example I bought sports bras a good while back. This 3 pack. They were a bit tight on me. Now they are a bit loose so it is not very comfortable. While I was working out the other day I lifted my arms up and the bottom flag rolled up!! It didn’t want to stay in place. But it is tough because I know I have just gotten the ball rolling and will be dropping more weight & not having alot of money to go buy new stuff every other week or whatever.
My pants are having some issues staying up as well lol! So even though I haven’t been losing a ton of weight this month it seems I have lost inches or whatnot.
Now the bad… I am stressed to the brim. Trying not to throw myself under the bus. But when you are an emotional eater being depressed and stressed just makes it so much harder. I am having alot of marriage issues. It seems every single time my husband is around we fight. /vent- he is just an immature, self absorbed, selfish, inconsiderate ass!!!! I’m just sick and tired of feeling like my thoughts, feelings, opinions do not matter.
I just feel like I am finally getting strong enough to lift myself up and he is the one tearing me down.
and to make matters worse I am in such a horrible situation that I know I put myself in (self hate awarded for that) that it doesn’t matter. It is like I am in this tiny little box that I put myself in and I can’t get out right now so what does it matter??
I think part of the solution to atleast grant me some freedom and strength would be for me to be able to get my license and drive. & Then to get a job. But oh no I have to be agoraphobic panic attack girl who can’t leave her house or deal with people or the big scary world.
So idk… is part of the problem just the fact that I must depend on him or is it more? Sometimes I wonder if I could drive, had my own money would I still be here? and right now I just don’t know…
and don’t get me wrong. Some days I love him more then anything and I can’t imagine my life without him. It just seems that those times are too few and inbetween.
I just need to focus on myself right now. Take care of my body. Let it build my courage, my strength. Things will get better.
But for now I’ll celebrate my victories. I won’t give up like I usually would in this situation. Yay for 15lbs down!!!! I think upping my calories helped me alot this week. I just need to make sure I don’t binge!!
Wii Fit Yoga + Rhythm Boxing 18 mins (50 calories burned)
My Fitness Coach 30 mins (125 calories burned)
Wii Free Step 30 mins (115 calories burned)
Food Tracked: http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_tracker.asp?id=CAELESTIS&dte=1%2F25%2F2011
So it has been 25 days in since I have started my new journey. I think I have finally started to feel changes yay. I have more energy for sure. I feel stronger and beginning to feel it in how I move. I am getting more flexable.
and it all feels GREAT!
I tried the rhythm boxing on the Wii. It is alot of fun. I’ll keep doing it! I am also trying to do yoga. It is a bit rough lol. It is hard to do it on the wii. It is a bit hard to follow when trying to watch it on the tv screen when ofcourse many poses you are not able to also look at the tv lol. I guess I should just watch each step until I get it and then practice until I can do it along. I also worry about doing it correctly.
I kindof wish I could take a class. But I don’t have the extra money or transport and yeah panic attack me take a class ha! Maybe someday….
For now I will just keep trying. I just wish I could find a dvd that was really awesome for beginners. When I was way younger my mom had a vhs yoga for beginners tape that was awesome. it was so easy to follow and good paced I loved it. But I can’t remember the name of it 🙁
Good news today I was able to stay in range for my calories! I ate a big ugly fatty hamburger for lunch to do it though… I got some good advice from my mom to look at reynolds wrap.com for recipes. So gonna try next week to make some chicken and veggies in a foil wrapper. Hopefully I can get my calorie planning under control and things will smooth out.
My Fitness Coach 30 mins (127 calories burned)
Wii Fit Rhythm Boxing 10 mins (47 calories burned)
Wii Free Run 1 mile 14mins (112 calories burned)
Food Tracked: http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_tracker.asp?id=CAELESTIS&dte=1%2F24%2F2011
So First of all I decided that I would like to set a goal/reward for myself. Once I lose 20ish more lbs which will put me at 195lbs. I’ll be in Onederland! And have lost a total of 36lbs yay!
Anyways when I reach that goal, I am going to dye my hair BLUE! I have always wanted to do it and always felt insecure, self conscious. I want to hide not do things to draw attention to myself or stand out 🙁 And I want that attitude to change to be who I want to be without fear.
I’ll go and treat myself to getting my hair trimmed and then have them bleach the hell out of it lmao!
Also I decided that for my birthday which is way far away in September I hope to be close to my goal of 165 if not hit it. So as long as I stay on track I want to get another tattoo.
I really really want a tattoo on my wrist. I was thinking of something spiritual and meaningful to me. I really loved the idea of a triple moon but instead of the moon/circle in the center of two crescent moons I would do like a heart. But then I saw this star and smacked it inbetween two crescent moons and omg I LOVE it!
My DH will flip out. I am sure it will be a fight. He wasn’t thrilled with me getting the butterfly on my ankle. But it is my body & not like I am getting something across my forehead or a whole sleeve done lol So he can just deal with it I don’t care….
The moon is a very important symbol in my religion. It symbolizes the Goddess and femininity, and to match my goals it represents change ~ the ever changing phases of the moon. The star is a symbol of balance. Each point represents an element earth, air, fire, water and spirit. All tied together.
On another note… I have not been doing well at all. I have not been eating enough calories. 🙁 Bad me. On top of the exercise it is probably not good for me at all. I think part of it is some subconscious fear of eating too much but mostly I think it is just bad planning and time management.
So I have decided to be a bit more specific in my schedule and planning. I need to set a bed time for myself & stick to it and I’ll get 9 hours of sleep and make sure to get up the same everyday. Then I am going to split my meals up into 5 meals for the day. Three normal ones and 2 snacks but close to the same calories.
I will make sure I get enough calories in each day.
Wii Yoga & strength 40 mins
My fitness Coach 30 mins
Food Tracker: http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_tracker.asp?id=CAELESTIS&dte=1%2F23%2F2011
Today was my weigh in day. I lost .6lbs this week. Not great but any weight is still good progress so yay!
I was abit worried I wasn’t going to lose because I didn’t have the best week. I ate fatty hamburgers two days in a row. I didn’t exercise on most of the days. So really I should be happier about that .6lbs!
My wonderful DH screws me up big time lol. I don’t want to blame him because blah blah I know I make my own choices. But it is alot harder for me on his days off. He throws off my schedule horribly. And there is alot of stress there. It pretty much makes me sad. Part of me is like if it was someone else I would give advice that your husband should be there to lift you up not pull you down. He should help to bring out your best not your worst.
So I am just a bit depressed there and it sure doesn’t make this change any easier.
Anyways on a much lighter note… I tried flaxseed. I had like no clue where to look for it at the store but I was looking in the cereal aisle for oatmeal. Which I am totally sad because I love Kashi Vanilla Oatmeal and they don’t sell it there anymore sigh. Anyways though by the healthy cereals they had a bag of wild roots flaxseed. I was afraid to try it lol But I put some in my smoothie and in my oatmeal. Didn’t seem to change the flavor or anything.
I just really want to get myself on track and focused. Right now it feels like I have one foot in and one foot out. Just going back and forth of how much energy I put forward, how hard I try, etc… Some days I am doing really good and then others I just like surrender. I just need to pull it together.
My Fitness Coach 30 mins (136 calories burned)
Wii fit stuff idk yet lol?
Today is going much better then yesterday. I am really beginning to see the difference just in how my attitude can influence so much more and my entire day/life. That is a positive step for me.
Getting things done & exercising makes me feel so much better. It just makes me feel alive. I love this feeling.
Anyways today I was exercising and I started feeling like giving up. I tried thinking of the people on biggest loser because seeing them being bigger then me and working so much harder then me and pushing themselves usually motivates me to power through but I was having none of it today lol
Then all of a sudden I remembered the song Fighter by christina aguilera
“Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter “
But I couldn’t remember any of the words to the song right then lmao.
But it stuck with me FIGHTER. I am a fighter. I am a strong powerful AMAZON Goddess! I pictured myself thin, firm, strong, clad in leather with a sword. Ready to do battle. Nothing in this world would dare stand in my way.
All of a sudden boom it wasn’t too hard. I picked up my pace and powered through it.
And it really made me think, THIS is a battle. A battle for my life, my health, for everything I want and everything I am. I have to fight. Fight against all my self doubt, self hate, insecurities, demons, voices in my head, against laziness, and distractions. Agains the easy way out.
I am not 100% sure mantra is the right word lol But this image of me as the Amazon is burned into my head now. I am a fighter. I won’t give up. Every step, every push will just make me stronger. I can do it. I can do anything!
On another totally unrelated note. I am getting a kitten today! Well in a few hours actually alittle calico girlly who we will call Klhoe to do along with our K names. Our cats- Kami (rip), Kisa, Keeba, Kye. We actually didn’t start out trying to do all K names it just happened but the DH likes it and says it must be a K name now lol
So a co-worker of his had a stray mommy kitty give birth in her yard lol She has kindof been watching out for them and feeding them. She is going to take in the mom and was finding homes for all the kittens. My DH couldn’t say no and once he told me I couldn’t either lol. I love calico’s I had one when I was alittle girl and my neighbors stole her! (Who steals a little girls kitten really??)
Anyways on the other side I know it is sooo stupid. We already have 3 cats. (& 2 parakeets) and live in an apartment…. I swore up and down no more cats and that in the future no more then 2. No we are back up to 4 (our lovely princess Kami passed away in September taking us down to 3)
We are insane lol
And the DH says I can’t talk about the new kitten on facebook at all because he doesn’t want his family to know because they will think we are crazy(crazier lmao)
Anyways I am getting pizza for dinner. eek. No it is good. The other week I had a binge on pizza and way way over ate. Today I am strong. I will be a good girl. I counted it in my calories.
Today was a bad bad day. Though idk entirely why. It started off just blah and never got any better.
I had a bad dream that I woke up to this morning. Full of insecurities & stress. That ofcourse probably didn’t help anything.
Then I got DISTRACTED. A problem I often have. I am trying to learn tarot and part of my goal is to do a daily reading. Which has not been smooth to be honest. And I was trying to set up my tarot blog and got majorly side tracked playing around with that. Next thing I know it is 8pm… where did the day go?
My blog is nice though lol!
But that is a big problem. I need to wrangle in my easily distracted self. I know I got alot done yesterday but it doesn’t mean I can just sit and do nothing all day today. I need to move atleast alittle bit god.
I am gonna do some wii games nothing big. Maybe some boxing or whatever idk.
On top of it all my cabinets/fridge are like empty. We usually go shopping on wednesday but my DH’s schedule got changed so he works wednesdays now. and I like ran out of everything lol. I have enough stuff for one smoothie tomorrow for breakfast then one grilled cheese no turkey for lunch but out of salad stuff and idk what to have for dinner.
House Cleaning (Yes it counts lol more calories burned then if I were sitting on my butt! lol)
Wii My Fitness Coach~ 30 mins (141 calories burned)
Food Tracked Jan 17th- http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_tracker.asp?id=CAELESTIS&dte=1%2F17%2F2011
Today was ok. I decided to do some super cleaning today (very early spring clean lol). Scrub scrub scrub. It took a bit and had me feeling pretty tired afterwards so it kindof pushed back my exercise plans for the day.
But I still worked out. Did My Fitness Coach as usual. I had to stop in the middle to try and stretch out. My calves are just killing me. Mostly my left one. And it just was too much to keep going without a break.
It isn’t like omg rush to the doctor pain or anything. I am not injured! Just that soreness that you get after you like go for a long walk and then afterwards are sore all over.
My muscles are just used to be lazy and not getting any work. So it is to be expected. But I wasn’t sure what I should do.
I asked on sparkpeople and got some great help.
So I am gonna just take a super cardio break tomorrow. I will do yoga and maybe try some of the wii boxing.
Wii Free Step~ 30 mins (115 calories burned)
Wii Yoga & strength
Food Tracked Jan 16th-
So last week I lost zero… yuck 🙁 But this week I turned it around and did great. I lost 1.2lbs!!
I am very proud of myself. Though at the same time I was feeling alittle bit like I just wish it would go faster or that I was farther along. Remembering how I had lost over 20lbs before and then just threw it all away and gained it back. Getting down on myself. But I know there is no reason to feel that way. I need to focus on here and now and the progress I am making now. I am right on track rolling along with my goals.
Anyways I am 1.8lbs away from losing a total of 15lbs this time around. So yay! & then 17.8lbs until Onederland!
Walk Away The Pounds~ 30 mins/2 miles (242 calories burned)
Wii My Fitness Coach~ 30 mins (140 calories burned)
Food Tracked Jan 15th
Today felt so short. Poof its gone. I did really great today (once again woohoo for me).
I am in such pain today.It is like all my muscles are screaming at me. Like hello we are used to not being used what do you think you are doing? lol It hurts bad. It is funny because during the workout I will be like omg I am gonna die. Then right afterwards I am fine. But by the time night hits my legs and arms are just killing me from it. But they will get used to it!
I am working on those distractions. Always easier said then done. But I can’t expect to change over night. But I got in two different work outs today and it felt great. I did Walk Away the Pounds after breakfast. I was only planning on doing one mile but I stuck and did 2! Then after lunch I did Wii My Fitness Coach. I realized that it is alot easier for me to slack off and not stay in rhythm with the WATP dvd when I am just walking. So that might be why I don’t feel it as much as I do with the Fitness Coach.
Food wise I did good too as far as not over eating. But kindof scrambling at the end of the night to find calories to up it. I had a smoothie for breakfast then the left over mac & cheese with veggies/chicken for lunch then a huge salad for dinner but a salad is just not alot of calories even with chicken, dressing & croutons.
I need to work on my shopping alittle bit better. It is so tough to plan ahead and make sure food gets used and not wasted. Veggies/fruits and bread go bad so quick.Ofcourse it is hard as well because I buy stuff thinking it is for DH & myself and then he doesn’t touch it lol
Tomorrow is weigh in day! Wish me luck. I feel good about it. I KNOW I lost something. It is funny the whole time I was just thinking today- Last chance workout from biggest loser lol
Wii My Fitness Coach~ 30 mins (144 calories burned)
Wii Fit Free Step~ 30 mins (116 calories burned)
Food Tracked: Jan 14th
I am doing really good. I love how this path makes me feel. I haven’t lost weight yet. No big changes out on the front but still the progress I have made has me on cloud 9.
I have energy! I have hope! I have courage and inner strength! I feel like this strong beautiful woman just screaming on a top of the mountain to get out of my way because here I come! I can take on the world and do anything!
So yeah I feel good 🙂
But at the same time I need to really refocus. I am carving out a path here but it is kindof sloppy. And I am no good on a sloppy path. I need that firm foundation so I make less slip ups.
Like I blogged about before I plan to work out after breakfast then don’t get around to it until like 7pm. I then feel rushed and trying to get everything in. It is just going to lead to bad stuff. So I need to tighten up my plans and schedule there.
But I am still working out everyday yay me 🙂
Today I ended up using the Wii Fit Free step and switching through the channels trying to find something to watch while I did it. Put it on the food network- Diners, Drive ins, and Dives was on lol. I got a good laugh at that. It felt so funny watching food network while working out like I could totally imagine that it made me seem kindof sick in a way.
Food I am doing better but kindof on accident. I started messing up last week and then this week noticed I was sticking to my lowest calories possible. While working out that isn’t so good everyday. But then I mess up and eat something I shouldn’t really and it puts me at a normal range. idk… I think it all goes back to that sloppy path again. I just need to kindof define my path alittle bit better and all will be well.
Tonight for dinner I made a box of kraft mac & cheese deluxe but added a ton of veggies and chicken. It was sooo amazing. And so filling with all that extra stuff in it.
Besides that it was a kindof crazy crazy day. I have birds & cats. Never had a problem until today. Kitty bit down on the birds tail feathers that were sticking outside the bars of the cage. Bird is thankfully ok. But ugh made me so angry. Then my other cat has begun to get the habit of jumping onto the stove. Tried the other day while I was cooking and scared me. Then tonight jumped up there and helped him to some of the mac & cheese. It scares me alot since it is so dangerous.
I yelled at my DH & said no more people food for them.
bad kitties….keep looking »