No news is good news?? eh….

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So Monday I finally got to see my OBGYN. They had rescheduled me like 3 times now so it had been like a month or two waiting to go in and hear about my test results.

So I finally get to go and all they can tell me is that they don’t know yet. I guess some of the tests she ordered they just can’t do in my area so they didn’t do them. I had some hormones out of whack but that was obvious before. They just are not quite sure why yet. She tells me that it is either PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome) or something more serious called Cushings. She couldn’t tell me alot about it just that if it turns out to be that I would have to visit a specialist.

She ordered more tests that I have to go in for and then I am gonna be waiting 3 months to go back and find out the results. It is scary not knowing for sure.

She also put me on a new medication called Prometrium. I have to take it for 10 days only but it should make me have periods again. But it also means that I have to be careful with the DH. She ordered me not to get preggo right now. She wants to find out what is wrong with me and work on treating it first and for me to wait 4 months after I get my blood sugar under control. But I can’t be on birth control until they know more about what is going on with me lol.

The good news is that it gives me hope for being able to have babies.

Anyways on the weightloss front I am still shaky. I have not given up yet. And I am very proud of that. because usually once things start falling apart I just let go. I might not be sticking perfectly on plan but I am still doing pretty well. I am still walking almost everyday and eating fairly well.

I am gonna get back on track, back to my routine though! I can do it.

 

I think I saw the Easter Bunny

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Happy Easter everyone. Easter is not one of my favorite holidays. I guess unless you are a religious christian or have kids it doesn’t really hold much excitment or meaning. It does make me think about when I have kids and having all the fun with them. Painting eggs and hiding them. Having hard boiled eggs and egg salad for like a week after lol. But then it also kindof depresses me since I dont yet have kids :(

I am headed over to the inlaws today without the DH since he works bleh. I think it will be alittle bit scary but I am gonna try to be ok. Don’t over think just do it. I am bringing a nice big salad with me. I have to go start chopping it all up soon.

some big news- I am not taking a bus anymore to visit my family. I am gonna take a plane instead. My inlaws didn’t want me taking a bus and so are gonna help out and pay the difference awww :) They are too sweet.

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Todays tarot card was the ACE of WANDS

I like this card’s imagery. It is the Robin Wood deck. It has a wand right in the middle of the card. It is golden shiney with flames around it and glowing light. Behind it is two sunflowers. It is a very phallic image. It is masculine and that of the sun. Right away you get the feel of power, energy, vitality. Looking it up I got the meanings of change, opportunity, creativity.

From: http://www.aeclectic.net/tarot/learn/meanings/aces.shtml

“Aces are the root force. They are the spark. Relate them to the Magician, who presents the tools to the Fool. They have no purpose yet, but are filled with raw potential. They are the active energy of the suit ready to be used.”

“They feel their energy go up, they feel the heat, and they want more of it. They take up the wand and start to walk.”

From: http://reading-tarot.net/2008/07/meaning-of-the-ace-of-wands/

“The appearance of the ace of wands in a spread suggests that the querent should act with confidence, and go purposefully in the direction of his or her intuition. It is often a premonition of an upcoming opportunity that the subject of the reading would do well to recognize. This card symbolizes the presence of inner strength, creativity, courage, and a sense of adventure. The recipient of this card should seize any upcoming possibilities and embark upon new paths with confidence, but they must also be prepared to take individual responsibility for their actions.”

“The Ace of Wands in the reverse (upside-down) position can symbolize the negative potential or the downside of creative endeavors: risk, fear, setbacks and uncertainty.”

 

ace of wands robin wood

All Alone

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I was having a rough two weeks. I stopped working out, stopped keeping track of my food. I was still eating pretty much the same but still. but I am getting back on track.

Yesterday I did amazing. I woke up, not as early as i had hoped and then got distracted a bit. But I did take a nice walk that morning. Not super long but alittle longer then I normally would. Then in the afternoon I did some strength training following sparkpeople’s plan and did my 45 min WATP. So yay. I sure was feeling it too lol.

Today I woke up and took another walk. It was alittle bit shorter then yesterdays but I was still feeling abit of yesterdays and I started out going too fast. I really need to learn to pace myself.

I am doing alittle bit of yoga. Really trying to get more flexible and get balanced. I have been doing these two poses called tree and I think warrior something where you are balanced on one foot. I am getting way better at them. I so wanna be able to do downward facing dog but eh my wrists are weak and I just cant do it yet. But someday. I really like the cat pose too lol. i do alittle meditation/prayer then do some yoga/stretching everyday before and after my workout. I really love it.

Some big huge news!!! This July I am gonna go visit my family!!<em>244</em>
I am gonna spend the whole month with them in texas. It is gonna be a long trip there all the way from buffalo New York to El Paso, Texas. But I get to see my mom, grandma, one younger brother, sister, & meet my sister in law & my new 2 month old baby niece! My other brother is gonna be deployed in the army :(

I am not sure how I will get there yet. Money is super tight. Plus I dont work July or August so that makes money even tighter. Taking a bus is a two day trip there but it is like half the cost of a plane and I could then have money to spend while I am there. Even though a bus is scary lol. I think it will be ok though. I will use common sense, don’t wonder off alone, keep my bag with me at all times, don’t pull out a wad of 100 dollar bills lol. My husband wont be going with me though so I will be traveling all alone.

Tomorrow is Easter. Not that I really celebrate easter anyways. Someday when I have kids I will do the whole easter bunny thing but for now it is just another day really. We usually would go over to DH’s familys house but he has to work so I figured I wouldn’t bother going. But eh DH asked me if I wanted to go by myself and that it would mean alot to his parents. Now I love his family, they are great. But me around people = panic attacks, nervousness, me wanting to hide in the bathroom and cry lol. I barely do ok when DH is there with me to hold my hand. Me being alone is terrifying for me. Not to mention they eat food I don’t even touch. Ham, polish sausage, etc.. I would bring my own stuff but then I still feel even more so the odd one out ya know.

But then I am like girl what is wrong with you? You are planning on taking a trip across the country all alone and yet you can’t go down the street by yourself and be around people you know and like??

So I am gonna go. Am I scared? Hell yes lol. But I just gotta do it. Hopefully my brother in law and his family comes because I love kids and I can just play with my niece all day lol and then can leave when they leave so it wont be so awkward for me.

Yes I am a nut, how silly I must sound. lol Anyways tonight I will go to the store and get stuff to make a big salad and maybe some whole wheat rolls to bring too.
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I am starting to read tarot again. Trying to learn. I am gonna pull a card everyday to try and learn them and get better. Todays card was the THE HIEROPHANT (5) I use the Robin Wood Deck.

I really loved the meaning of it from here: http://www.aeclectic.net/tarot/learn/meanings/hierophant.shtml

“When things are going very wrong in the world, the Hierophant is the one who wades in, quiets the panic, and offers good, practical advice. He symbolizes a connection to the divine, which answers with a very human voice, never oblique or mysterious. You know how to solve your problem, this card says; it is not easy, not a quick fix, but it is do-able. The solution is there, you’ve only to bring it down to Earth. “

Doesn’t that speak in leaps and bounds for me? Stop worrying so much the answer is simple just be down to earth!

Exhale…losing control

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Its so crazy that you can be doing so very well. You are focused, positive and feel like you are winning the battle. Yet one little slip up and you can just fall apart. Its so easy to throw all the good work out. You know you are screwing it all up. You know you shouldn’t. You feel guilty and hate yourself as you make the mistakes and bad choices.

Why? Why do I let myself fail?

My strength began to quiver last week. I am not really sure why. I am letting the stress creep in. Letting myself give in to fears and stress and all the chaos. I don’t understand why I destroy myself.

Monday night I went to taco bell. Then that night I caught my husbands stomach flu and threw up all night and the next day. Being sick was so scary because the last time I was doing really well with weight loss I got sick and then threw it all out the window. Being sick even just for those 2 days it messed me up bad. I still felt a bit off all week. I couldn’t really eat alot, so it left me not eating at my regular meal times and/or just eating little bites of stuff all day. I didn’t work out at all this week.

I gave up.

I heared a quote, if you trip on one step you dont then throw yourself down the entire flight of stairs.

I need to remember that, focus on that. I need to learn how to stumble and then pick myself back up. Stay focused and commited even if I lose sight for a moment, I have to get back on track.

And it is so easy to say that now. But I am thinking if these are just empty words? Tomorrow will I be back on schedule, and then the next day, and the next? The next time I mess up and fall off track will I get right back on or let myself slide even farther off? Did I learn anything from this?

Am I strong enough? Do I have what it takes? I just wanna scream and cry. I want to close my eyes and shake my head and when I open my eyes again just have everything be gone. It feels like i am building a house of cards, and everytime I get on card up another one falls down. It is just this continous battle of something positive followed by a punch in the stomach. So I just never feel like I am winning but instead that i just have to work that much harder.

It is stressful and aggrovating and just so overwhelming. I feel exhausted and drained.

The stomach flu

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ugh I am sick :(

All last week my husband was sick. He layed in bed dying, feeling just aweful, and couldn’t keep any food down or even liquids really. It was horrible. But then he started to feel all better this weekend. And I was like omg yay I didn’t catch it.

Ofcourse I am not that lucky lol

Monday night I woke up at like 4am throwing up all over the place. And then managed to stay up for the rest of the night throwing up every half hour. I maybe got 20 mins of sleep. I couldn’t even keep water down.

I was quite worried though about my diabetes. This was the first time I was sick since being told that I have diabetes & being on insulin. I didn’t know what to do. But I looked it up online and found some good info. I guess blood sugars can raise alot when sick. I still took my insulin and tried eating alittle bit of stuff & I drank sprite too, sipped it alittle bit. And kept checking my BS and it stayed all good in the 100s which is higher then normal but actually where it should be lol.

I hate being sick. I am a huge whiney baby lol. But as much as I felt like crap it actually was a pretty ok day. My Dh had the day off and I layed in the living room all day watching him play his video game lol. I hadn’t done that since we like first moved in together. It was fun spending time with him and asking him 8 million questions every 5 secs about the game, what does that do, why did u do that, what just happened? lmao.

I am feeling alittle better today. so far. I hopefully will keep everything down. and gonna try to slowly get back to eating and might even do alittle walking tomorrow if I feel better. I don’t know what this will all mean about my weight. I lost probably mostly just all water so if I weigh in then next week I might end up with a gain ugh.