It might seem alittle extreme to say this is some epic journey I am starting on. Yet that is how it feels to me. It is me starting along a new path, one that will be often difficult for me to walk but hopefully one that I can find the strength to walk whereever it should lead me. They say it isn’t the destination but the journey. How beautiful and true.
You have this idea of some magickal perfect just out of your reach and you long for it. But I know once I climb my mountain and plant my flag at the top it will be amazing and have a beautiful view but it will still be far from perfection. I will still stumble and fall on my face sometimes. There will be days when I am still sad or feeling bad. I will still have other goals to reach for etc…
I think finally grasping that is the exact difference I needed from all the other times before where I said I would do something and make changes but never did.
So here I am… I am 25 years old. And though that may seem so young to some I feel ancient. Last september my birthday came and I just ached. I have lived for half a century now and what do I have to show for it? I have wasted those years. Not to say that it was all useless or empty. I have an amazing husband, 3 kitties, family and things I love and wouldn’t trade for the world. But at the same time every single year I get more depressed. Sad and angry and hurting. Dreaming of what I could do if only…. Wishing I had more confidence and felt better and healthier. Wishing I was more balanced and happy. I dreamt instead of experiencing far too much. sigh.
It is so much easier that way.
Well here I am now. I am ready for a change. I am ready for the next 25 years to be something I can smile about and be happy with.
It is not just about losing weight. I want to be balanced. I see problems in one aspect of my life and I realize that it isn’t some chunk that is seperate from the rest of me. You need balance…body, mind and spirit! I want to be happier, healthier, more spiritual, loving, passionate! I want confidence & inner strength as well as outer!
So where to begin…this part always screws me up lol. I get distracted far too easy and once you are on a certain path that you are used to and feels safe (even though it hurts you and makes you sad-strange huh?) it is despretly hard to make the move to a new path. I was thinking it was like a doorway..you just walk right through. But now I think I like the idea of paths better. You can’t just jump over or walk through something. You have to take the exit off your current path and walk your butt over to a new one. Taking a very rocky, dark, scary, thorns and monsters galore path to even get to the other one.
You need a good firm plan. Sometimes it is nice to wonder around letting the flow take you whichever way. But other times you need to make yourself alittle map. Knowing that you don’t have to follow it religiously but to keep you focused on finding that path and reaching your destination.
I’ve made plans before and they were half-assed dreamy. Oh I will exercise and eat less. that is not a plan lol. Because you step up and you are like oh wait…what the hell does that actually mean? You end up hungry and eating that whole pizza or realizing you never stopped to exercise because you got caught up or too busy with whatever.
So anyways this time I have plans!
1. Eating healthier and smaller portions.
I am planning out all of my meals at the start of the week. Going to the store with a list & a plan. I want to eat 5-6 very small healthy meals everyday. keeping myself less hungry or bored snacking and more scheduled. Eating breakfast and not eating 10 mins before I go to sleep! I want to eat more fruit & veggies. No more pop eek. More tea, herbal teas, water a smidge of juice. Smaller portions as well. I can’t starve all day and then when I am starving pig out on a huge portion. I am feeling sick all the time because of this.
I need to get moving. You feel better when you exercise, I know and I miss that feeling. I sit all day long on the computer & watching tv and it is killing me. I ache and hurt all the time. Walking from the parking lot into the store shouldn’t kill me seriously. I want to be flexible and energised. My biggest issue is what do I do? I have that pilaties video I am gonna start doing. I can also stretch and do some heart pumping dancing or something. I long for a treadmill so very much. I have very big issues about leaving the house alone. I wish I had a dog to walk with Maybe I can start walking it is gonna take some real motivation for this.
3. Spirituality. I want to have a healthy spirit as well. I am starting to read Ariadne’s Thread. Trying to meditate daily.
Anyways I think I can do this and this site and this blog are going to help me so much to stay focused I hope. I am feeling happy. There is nothing to be afraid of. Nothing to stand in my way. I can be hap