Fat as Mud

Thanks again to all my blogging buddies.  I can’t express how grateful i am for you chickies. I really don’t have any other support with my weight loss so your friendship is touching.

Long day at school.

I’m about ready for bed and i’m happy to report that i have eaten well all day, around 1400 calories.

I’ve got a good 2 day start.

Being this heavy is absolutely wearing me out. I really am at the point where i either get ahold of myself and take control or i just let go and get so fat that i become handicapped from it.  My feet and lower legs hurt all evening and i’m so out of shape that i get wore out walking up and down the stairs at school a few times from one studio to the other.

My game plan:

• Keep track of all my calories in a little journal.
• Blog and read blogs every evening.
• Get to bed at a decent time every night.
• Wake at about 8am to workout on days i don’t have class.
• Do REAL workouts, cardio and strength, sweat, make it worth the time and effort.
• Go for 1200-1400 calories for the 1st week, then switch to 1400-1600 calories for a while.
• Make sure i’m getting quality calories, don’t waste them on junk food.
• Lay off the drinking. Once every 2 weekends should be plenty.
• Seek my happiness from non-caloric sources.
• Slow down on the coffee and up the water intake.

That should get me started. I don’t want to overthink it too much. I simply need to get adjusted to healthy habits.

Thank you Melly, for sending me a comment on my last post a few minutes ago. That’s what gave me the umph to get on here and make this post.

I’ve been thinking about 3fc blogging again for a while.

I’ve been having such a tough time lately.

I’m right back to my starting weight, hovering around 195!

I am so uncomfortable with it, i’m getting to where i hate to leave the house.

I start every day thinking i will exercise and eat right and i end every day thinking i can’t believe how lazy i was today and i really shouldn’t have eaten all that stuff.

But, good news! I got up today and did my first real workout for ages! And so far i am only at around 1200 calories! I’ve got my fingers crossed that i can keep it together till i fall asleep.

As often happens with diet blogging, if i am absent for a week, it has been a week of diet disaster. I got up this morning and looked at my body in the mirror and i am so fucking fat . . . and lazy.

I have been out of control with food, not with obvious binging, with the snacking all day with no regard.

This week for the fat part of my life:

• a whole batch of ambrosia
• 1 1/2 dark chocolate bars, 1 square at a time
• about a dozen grilled cheeses
• a couple of KFC toasted wraps with potato wedges
• about 5 or 6 bottles of wine
• french toast
• chips
• i’ll think of more stuff to add
• i’ve gained around 5 lbs

Last week we got some ice and snow, and my daughter didn’t have have school for 4 days. Even my university was closed for a couple of days and i skipped class on thursday rather than drive, even tho it was probably safe. So i took an entire week off of school with the half-ass idea of getting a lot of work done at home.

This week for the lazy part of my life:

• i slept til 10:30-noon every day until today
• i stayed up till 2am, 5am, 3am most nights
• i didn’t leave the house for a week, didn’t even step outside
• no exercise at all, not even the wii fit
• i laid up and read a book trilogy in 4 days
• i didn’t even take time to email my dad for a few days
• i avoided my blog or reading all my chickie’s blogs
• i didn’t touch anything related to my course work for the whole week, too busy eating i guess
• i have barely kept up with house work

So, i’m back … because knowing how to lose weight isn’t enough. I know that i have to eat less & move more. In order to lose weight and stay in the right mindset, a girl has to have some kind of support system and 3FC is my support system. Whether people read my blog or not, it helps to keep me on track and reading other people’s blogs helps a tremendous amount.

In light of my renewed mindset, i’m going to go have a grilled cheese for breakfast with some eggs and sausage. Something to soak up last night’s alcohol.

I want to start off by saying how much i appreciate all the chickies who support me with comments on my blog. I really appreciate everyone’s encouragement and suggestions. I also appreciate reading all your blogs. It so helpful to read about other people’s weight loss stories.

In light of that (or maybe despite it) i honestly don’t even feel like blogging today. But i know it helps keep me in the right mindset.

Today was just one of those days. I had planned to get up and do some stuff today but i ended up not doing much at all, just some laundry and i made spaghetti for dinner. I’ve just been laying up in my room reading The Golden Compass. I’m about half way thru it and i don’t really feel like doing much else. Tomorrow i will get back to the pottery wheel, but today has been a day of lazy reading.

I didn’t do too good keeping track of my calories today, but i am going to give it a shot: french toast with 2 pc of low-cal bread (70), an egg (70), half tbl of lt butter (25) and a half serv of lt syrup (?). a grilled cheese with 2 pc of low-cal bread (70) 2%american (50) & 2% cheddar (50) & a bit of butter (20), a can of chicken noodle soup (150). a square of dark chocolate (63). spaghetti dinner was made with about 3 oz lean beef (120), a serv of sauce (50), a half serv of mushrooms (15) over 3/4 serv of pasta (150) with 1 breadstick (85). later on i had a square of chocolate (63), a strawberry cottage cheese double (130), 2 4oz glasses of port wine (?). then i had 2 serv of multigrain tostitos (300) with salsa (30) followed by a tapioca pudding cup (90) and 2 more 4oz glasses of port wine (?).

I ate a lot of food today. I’m too depressed to add up the calories…i’ll get back to it tomorrow.

This has to be my last day off plan. I am self-sabotaging in the other direction. Now that i am focusing on my course work i am letting my diet go. Topsy-turvey! I so need psychotherapy. I just can’t figure out why i can only focus on one thing at a time. I have seriously thought about seeking counseling via the school programs to help my self-sabotaging but i have never made the 2nd step.

So today… where to begin. Probably my 1am munch attack. 2 squares of 86% dark chocolate (125) with a tbls of peanut butter (90), then i had a grilled cheese with a slice of 2% american (45) & a 1/2 oz of fat free cheddar (23) on low cal bread (70) with a bit of butter (20) then i had to have another one! (45+23+70+20).

Got up late today and had to run by the bank and go to school first thing to make porcelain. I didn’t eat until 12:30pm. I had brought 300 cal worth of peanuts and granola bar with me but i ignored them in favor of fast food. I decided on a steak n shake double cheeseburger (425), i almost got a steakhouse from backyard burger but i knew it would be double the calories. I didn’t eat again til after i got home in the afternoon having been to the grocery store where i was responsible and bought things so that i could eat healthy this week.

My daughter went to her grandpa’s for the evening so philip and i went to applebee’s for dinner. It was nice, i considered it sort of a date night for us, we never go out together. I could have been good. Applebee’s has a weight watcher’s menu. I even like the stuff on the WW menu there. But NO, i was feeling loosy goosy and had a 7 oz sirloin with the shrimp parmesan (est 460) on top. I also ate half of the big caesar salad (est 170) and a serv of steamed vegees (est 80) and less than half an order of fries (180). I was so full when we left. I wish applebee’s would list their nutritional info so i wouldn’t have to estimate.

When i got home i knew i was going to have wine tonight. I was jonesing it while i a was at the restaurant. The first thing i did was have a square of chocolate (63) then i began the port wine. Port wine gets me drunk quickly and like i said i am in a loosy goosy mood. I am currently on my 6th 4oz glass of port wine (1128). Umm, wow! I am certainly a loose goose. I don’t know how i am still typing.

When i came in form the garage (at least i am still in pottery work mode) i was snack happy. I had a strawberry cottage cheese double (130) 1 square of 86% chocolate (63) and a hostess snack cake (100). Oh man! The damage i did today! I’ll add this stuff up tomorrow.

I have been working all day except a little break now. I need to a bit more before i quit for the night.

I am here to log calories and not much else.

So far: fiber1 cereal (160), skim milk (60), for lunch i had 3 grilled cheeses! that’s 3 slices of 2% american cheese (45 X 3), 1 1/2 oz fat free cheddar (68) on 6 slices low cal bread (35 X 6), 10 cups of coffee (50) with splenda and cream (100), dinner was 2 serv of tyson hot wings (440) and a tapioca pudding cup (90). Subtotal: 1313. Sounds like an unlucky total, but it’s way less than the past 2 days.

Update:

I had 3 glasses of the cheap arbor mist wine (80 X 3). Then later, i had a midinght muchie attack. I think it was like 1am, so i eill count those calories for saturday instead. Uggh!

Day totals: 1553 calories and NO exercise!

Uggh! I guess i am going to have to go back to focusing on protein. When i was doing that i had no trouble with eating off plan at all.

My second class was canceled today, so i came home early thinking i will work in my garage all weekend and try to make some progress.  So far, i made 2 plates that i am not happy with and i took a major snack break. The weekend is starting off well…not.

So far: 1 oz cashews (160), curves bar (100), 3 cups coffee (15) with splenda and cream (30), 2 DQ chicken wraps (420), diet coke, 1 square 86% dark chocolate (63) 2 tapioca pudding cups (180), 1 square of a different dark chocolate (90).  Subtotal: 1058 calories.

Evening update:

I’ve been busy working on my pottery all afternoon and evening. I drank 8 cups of coffee (40) with splenda and cream (80) while i worked. I made 8 plates. I’ll be happy if half of them turn out and satisfied if 2 of them make it thru all the firings. Tomorrow i will trim and begin decorating them. I am so glad that i am finally in work mode. I didn’t even stop to eat. When i finally quit at 10pm i came in and stripped my clay caked clothes and fixed myself a glass of wine. I’m on glass number 3 right now (300).

Tomorrow i will get back to my protein heavy diet. Tonight i am just going to relax.

Update: I drank the last glass of the Red Razz wine (100) and had 3oz of the cheap arbor mist (60).

Day totals: 1638 calories and NO exercise.

Well, i’m here to report that i just caved in. For some reason i just needed to binge a little today. I wanted creamy foods and a lot of them. So, i want to add up my calories and see if there is any salvaging today.

Fiber1 cereal (160), skim milk (60), homemade tortilla pizza (320), 2 cups of coffee (10) with splenda and cream (20). Then the creamy binge: ambrosia (163), tapioca pudding (90), light cool whip (100) and a strawberry cottage chesse double (130). The little binge alone was 483. Today’s subtotal is 1053.

It’s not my worst binge by any means. I suppose as long as i do some exercise and just have a sandwich for dinner, i ought to be okay. I’m gonna have a few cups of coffee and i may even have a square of chocolate tonight. I have to admit, i am stressed that i let myself go off plan like that. I’m stuck with this image of myself with a stack of goodies and a spoon, bringing them into the living room and checking my email while i open package after package. I didn’t even walk back and forth to the fridge. I knew what i was doing, i just let myself go.

Update:

Well, i did it again. This time i really let go. And i knew it, i just let myself do it. It was liked i missed my old binging lifestyle, i was feeling nostalgic or something stupid and/or psychological.

I had a late meeting tonight, so i made my sandwich for the trip and ate it on the drive. Ham (45) and harvati (90) on low cal bread (70). I thought i was in control because on the way home i was craving everything. I passed Applebees i wanted steak, I passed Buffalo Wild Wings i wanted hot wings, I passed Long Johns and i wanted fish, I passed the Chinese place i wanted seafood rolls. I passed Dairy Queen i wanted a cheeseburger. Basically whatever was on their marquee sounded good to me.  But, i made it home without stopping.

I came in and had my dark chocolate square (63) like i had planned. It wasn’t enough… and so the real binge begins. Let’s see: strawberry cottage cheese double (130), another square of dark chocolate (63) a grilled cheese with american (45) and cheddar cheese (80) on low cal bread (70) with butter (20), an orange (45), a serv of chips (160), and another strwberry cottage cheese double (130). So far, i seem done. Tho i admit i could go for another of those grilled cheeses. But my belly says i am done. The binge alone was 743.

Today’s totals: 2064 calories and 25 min wii fit cardio.

My little dog was just fine this morning. She slept thru the night and was snuggled up to me like normal this morning. We checked in on her a lot today and she has been good all day. She acts like nothing ever happened.

I am craving some ambrosia so i need to count up my calories and see if i have enough room: fiber1 cereal (160), skim milk (60), ham (45) & harvati (90) on low-cal wheat bread (70), 5 cups of coffee (25) with splenda and cream (50), half of a K2O (15) water on the way home, taco night was 2 soft low-carb tortillas (220) with 4oz lean beef (160) with taco mix (23), salsa (10), jalapenos, black olives (25), fat free cheddar (45), and fat free sour cream (20). Calorie subtotal: 977.

Oh good, i have room for ambrosia and a small chocolate. I’m feeling a little stressed, i guess that is why i’m so anxious to eat something. Maybe i should wait a few minutes and get my mind off it, so that i am not feeding into emotional eating.

Okay, i’m back. I just went and replied to my dad’s email. That is always fun and relaxing. He is dieting too. My dad is an old hillbilly, his extra weight is all squirrel gravy, biscuits, and fatback. My roots. He is having trouble giving up his bedtime candy bar.

While watching TBL i just had my ambrosia (163), i love that stuff, it has the perfect name. Then i ate my last square of 86% dark chocolate (63), delicious.  I am surfing thru all my fav blogs. Now, i just need to talk myself into hopping on the balance board to get in my wii fit cardio.

Today’s totals: 1203 calories & NO exercise.

She was due for her annual checkup and shots, but she also had a weird lump i needed checked out. The lump was no big deal, he said use hydrocortizone on it.

But… this evening she has had a reaction to one the shots. Swelling of her face, her ears & around her eyes, even her belly and butt seem swollen. And she is soo restless. Poor thing, all she wants to do is sleep, but she cannot sit still.  So, of course i called the vet, office and home numbers, but it is too late and i can’t raise him. Philip immediatly suggested a benedryl, i made him wait til i looked up her symptoms online and he was right, antihistamines are the suggested treatment for angioedema. We gave her a whole benedryl and she seems to be settling down a bit, hopefully it will kick in soon and the poor little pup will get comfortable enough to sleep.

Pets are like our children aren’t they? And it’s like we don’t really understand that until we have them and get attached to them.

Oh, the vet just called me back. He says that if i wanted i could bring her in and he’d give her a steroid shot. But that she would be fine with the benedryl, it was up to me. He said she’ll be fine, just a bit uncomfortable. Cool water would comfort her a little. He’s right because she is liking going outside in the cool air. The vet seemed more worried about me being upset, wanting to make sure i’m okay. He really is a nice guy. Good vet.

Shall i get back to the diet talk?

Calories today: fiber1 cereal (160), skim milk (60), ham (45) & harvati (90) on low-cal bread (70), ambrosia (163), 8 cups of coffee (40), with splenda and cream (80), frozen lasagna meal (300) with an extra oz of fat free mozzerella (45), 1 square 86% dark chocolate (63), ambrosia (163).

Day totals: 1279 calories & 30 min wii fit cardio.

I am basically in a mode where i am eating the same thing every day. I had ambrosia twice today and the 2nd one put me a bit over on calories. I did learn that dividing the ambrosia up into serving size containers is the way to go. Otherwise it is too tempting to dive into the bowl again. There is a finality to having a pre-measured serving.

Oh, good! My dog has settled down and went to sleep. She isn’t even fidgeting. I feel so much better now.