Fat as Mud

I did good sticking to my eating chart today. Came out under on calories for the day… which isn’t necessarily a good thing, but today i’m gonna let it ride. I didn’t figure up calories when i wrote up my plan, i need to adjust that as i go.

When it came time for exercising, i found an endless array of excuses to just not do it. Mostly my prob was that the fam was home all day. And i’m just too jiggly to be caught jiggling. … Oh wait, this is a lie, because i did have a good opportunity while the old man was still off working this morning and the daughter was still abed. I knew that would be my chance to be unobserved, but i ignored this knowledge and did various other time-wasting activities.

I’m going to make myself exercise tomorrow afternoon, as soon as i get home and before i pick up the girls from school.

I’m probably going to stay up half the night, writing up the final exam for my classes and catching up on grading. So, there is a 99% probability of midnight munchie attack. I think i can handle it tonight, since its night 1 of the big plan.

Also on the agenda this eve is to prep any food i may need for tomorrow morning to and from work. Car time is danger time, the drive thru calls to me: cappppucinooo…. it says hauntingly. Then i say NO, it replies have a chiiiickennnn wrrraaap, its heeeaalthieerrrr….. and then i usually say ok, but tomorrow i will have snackies on hand and drive on by.

Activity: basically nothing

Food: 3 eggs (210), cheese (85), turkey sausage (120). 3 cups coffee (5) with splenda and ff half n half (30). grilled chicken breast (140), asparagus (20), mushrooms (30). salad (20) dressing (50). macadamia nuts (210). sugar free jello (20). Today’s total = 940

I still have 300 calories to spare, so if the munchies attack i can have a little something something.

2am update:

Been working away all night. I’ve still got to bathe before hitting the sack.

I did eat 1 serving of sunflower seed kernels (170) and had a diet coke. So calorie count for today is 1110.

And i forgot to mention water: I’ve really been trying to drink lots of water today, i think i managed 5 cups. I like water. About a year ago i was all water, all the time. One day i just started drinking diet coke and it slowly built up to an all day thing. My daily beverages went coffee>diet coke>alcohol. One of my simple goals is to go back to drinking lots and lots of water.

Farewell fast food, au revoir onion rings, ciao milk chocolate, talk to you later tequila.

Hello home made meals, excited to meet you again exercise.

Whatever.

I felt excited about making changes this morning, but now i just feel like taking a nap.

Tomorrow is the big day. I think I will be fine with eating healthy for the first few days, then on about day 3 or 4 i will have an overwhelming urge to indulge. Hopefully I’ll come to this blog and fight it off. Exercise is gonna be the tough part for me. I have just got to get up off my fat ass. Make a move, work up a sweat. I know i need it. I have never been in such bad shape. Everything wears me out. I breathe heavy after every minuscule effort. I know from past experience that once i get into working out i will feel so much better. I will have more energy. I will have more confidence. Being on the right track is a good thing…it just takes more effort than laziness and gluttony.

So, in honor of the big plan I made a trip to the grocery store. Got lots of lean meats to grill and fresh veggies to roast. On the way home, my daughter and i opted for fast food. I didn’t feel up to cooking tonight. The mushroom swiss burger was sort of a last hurrah, but it didn’t even taste that good.

Activity: grocery shopping, that’s it. i’ve mostly laid around. After a nap, i might get around to grading classwork.

Food: 2 Fiber1 apple cinnamon muffins (160 + 160) with a tad of light butter (30), DQ mushroom swiss burger (590), 1/2 an order of DQ onion rings (180), diet coke.  So far = 1170

I can’t tell a lie. Later tonight i’m gonna finish off my shrimp fried rice leftovers and probably skim the fridge for anything else that needs “disposed” of before i start my diet tomorrow. Might even whip up a margarita.

The last hurrah continues:

As planned, i ate the leftover shrimp fried rice (450) added a bit of soy sauce and it was delish. This was followed up almost immediately with 2 jello mousse cups (60 + 60). Unplanned was a serving of reese’s pieces (190), i counted out all 51 pcs to make an exact serving (the least i could do).

The final indulgence for the eve: i am on my 4th margarita, the 5th is certainly in order…..1 hr later a 6th (68 x 6)

In the sense of honor to the big change, i did spend all evening prepping veggies while i drank my margaritas: i washed and chopped and dried and put them in those green bags that are supposed to help produce last longer. Made a big salad too. Hubby brought home a new grill and he put it together and has got it seasoning now.

My margarita recipe is made in a way so that the only calories come from the tequila, (no margarita mix for me). Its based on a Hungry Girl recipe: 3/4 cup sprite zero, 1/8 cup lime juice, 1/4 cup tequila, 1/2-1 tsp of lemonade crystal light powder mix, lime & salt for the rim of the glass, enough ice chopped to make it slushy, blend it up = 135 cal for 2 drinks

Final calorie count for today:  2338 …..could’ve been worse for a last indulgence day.

I’m about to head out the door to go hang with some friends for the night. I haven’t decided if i’m going to stay out and drink all night or just come on home. It depends on if they decide to go to a bar or not, i hate bars, too crowded and too noisy for me. If they go to a bar, I’ll head on home. If they stay in and make margaritas, I’m there till morning.

So i just wanted to hop on here and quickly log in what i ate today before i forget.

Activity: pretty much nothing, went to the college and fired a kiln. did a bit of sorting to prep for the summer class, i did break a sweat but only because it was hot in there

Food: diet coke, KFC grilled toasted wrap (300), DQ grilled chicken wrap (210), more diet coke, 2 pieces of a frozen tombstone pizza (390) and more diet coke.  Total so far = 900 calories.

Man, that is a lot of junk. I am terrible eater. I could use some home cooked meals. My plan is in place to get a good healthy start. I’m bringing along my grocery list so that tomorrow when i’m on my way home i can stop and get some decent eats for me & the fam next week.

Love ya chickies! I’ll be checking back in with yens tomorrow.

Evening update:

Kaya Restaurant was delicious! I had so much fun with my friendlies! Alas, they wanted to be barflies this eve, so i drove on home. I made them promise next week we’d make glazes and have a margarita night in. I’m such an old fogey.

I wonder what the damage on calories was? I had a little salad, 2 pc of spider sushi roll, 1 pc of american roll, 1 pc of futo sushi roll. Then i had half of a huge shrimp fried rice dinner. And of course we traded around a bit, so i ate some of the chicken fried rice and some korean beef meal called bul-go-gi. I only drank water since i knew i would be driving home, no saki :’(

A rough estimate based on internet searching:  70 + 158 + 50 + 63 + 450 +75 + 95 = 961 calories! dang!

Today’s calorie total = 1861 ….   2071

OOPS!…… i forgot to add the 3 peanut butter cookies i ate when i got home last night… 210 calories

Now, if i can only do that for my body.

I’ve been up half the night. This blog got a new name, a fresh look and i added lots of great links to my blogroll, check them out.

That’s what i’m thinking for a new blog title. That was the name of my recent art exhibit (long story). I’m gonna sit on it for a few days and see if i still like it.

Evening update:

More laziness from me for the day. Pretty much the only thing I’m doing right is coming here to blog and read blogs regularly. And I’m thinking about making changes, thinking about it a lot because I know I need to get into obsession mode to get a good start on this thing.

Today’s struggle:

Not much activity. Slept till 11, hung out in bed with my blackberry till noon. Got up and made some coffee and then decided to do a bit of online research on what kind of puppy to get for my lovely daughter this summer. (shh… it’s a surprise!) Did some online stuff for my class. Me and the internet are best buds!

When I went to pick up Hannah after her piano lesson at 3:30 I realized I had locked my keys in my car. So, I called her and told her to start walking towards the house, I’d meet her halfway. That took about 2 minutes. Then I was hungry (finally) and I felt a binge coming on, so I grabbed a couple little pudding cups and went back to the internet, but this time to my 3FC blog, which saved me.

After dinner, the old man and I ran out to the college as planned, where my only activity was loading the kiln. On the way home, we stopped for gas and he came out with an ice cream bar for me even tho when he asked I had said not to get me one! So of course I ate it. But, when he gave it to me I was like, “How many calories are in this huge thing, anyway?” And he said, “Back to counting, are ya?” So, I informed him that I’m just warming up, my real diet starts on Sunday. And that I’ve got meals planned for us with no bread, rice or potatoes for a couple weeks. (trying to break my carve cravings) He’s just glad to have me planning meals. Poor guy would starve without a wife. It’s hard on a redneck when his wife has a life outside the home.

So, now I’m laid up in my bed again (my sanctuary). I watched Survivor and then Hannah came down and watched a disk of Xfiles with me. I drank a diet coke, download a few itunes for her and we split a large warm delight while we watched Mulder and Scully.

Activity: basically nothing

Food: 4 cups of coffee (15×4), a tapioca cup (70) and a mousse cup (60), a philly cheesesteak sandwich (300 + 10 + 40 + 75 + 210 + 10), a snickers ice cream bar (300), ½ of a large warm delight (180). Total calorie count so far today = 1315 … how did I manage that?

Yeah, I know better. I drank a few cups of coffee (15 cal x3) but i just didnt feel like food until now….and i feel a binge coming on. But i came here instead because that’s what i’m supposed to do in this situation.

I just ate a tapioca cup (70 cal) and a mousse cup (60 cal) and now i’ll just type away until its time to put together some dinner which will be in just a few minutes cause me and the old man gotta make a quick run out to the college and return the pedestals i borrowed for my show last week.

I’m thinking i need to change the name of my blog, try to get a few hits. Blog-readers=motivation. I know i always click on the ones with the funny names, hoping to find someone with a sense of humor and a down to earth lay-it-all-out-there attitude. I usually hope they weigh about the same as me and struggle with the same kind of shit i struggle with. If i go to a blog and its all happy happy, corny, my life is filled with butterflies and petunias i never care enough to read thru it. I love a good struggle.

My current blog title: “getting motivated & being accountable” is the sort of title i would probably avoid, i mean its true, that’s what i’m blogging for, but basically a boring title. I need something that says: fat girl struggles with binging, married to a grouchy redneck, can’t get off her ass on most days, avoids all encounters with her mother, but emails her dad 5 times a day and has the cutest dog ever. A bit wordy, i need a way to whittle that down to a nice concise eye-catcher.

That’s a cliche that has certainly always applied to me. Actually i plan on starting on Sunday. I am however making plans, trying to get into the right mindset. I charted up a 2 week menu and a small exercise regiment. I wrote up a grocery list. I signed up for Janice Taylor’s 21 day e-coaching program. (I like her sense of humor and her style might be perfect for self-sabotagers like me.) I’ve got a few books picked out to read at night for encouragement and guidance.

Truthfully, i know how to lose weight. I’m good at counting calories. I understand that i need to move more and eat less. My problem is in my head. I’m a mental mess. I’ve got a hole i can’t fill with any number of Hershey’s bars. Ironically, my problem might be that i have a whole i can’t feel.

In an effort to get back into the habit, i am going to start recording my food and activity now, tabulating calories every night. Its not going to be pretty…

Activity: I laid up in bed all morning, slept till about 10, but didnt feel like getting up. So i cracked my front door so my dog could get in and out as she pleased, then crawled back under my bed covers enjoying having the whole bed to myself. I couldnt sleep tho, so i turned on the tv, and checked my email on my blackberry, wrote my dad. At noon i fixed myself a bite then i put in a movie and stayed in my bed to watch it. I didnt officially get up out of my bed until 3:30pm. Then i got ready for work and went in to teach my night class 6-9pm. I ate on the drive to class. I picked up fast food on the way home for the family, who hadnt really eaten tonight. We ate, watched a bit of tv, then i laid up on the couch checking & writing email & facebook posts till after midnight. I’m back in my bed now, decided to blog on my laptop before sleeping all day tomorrow (a rare Thursday off work).

Food: No coffee today, because i just wanted to wallow in a slow moving haze all day. At noon i made myself 2 grilled cheeses, each with 2 slices of cheese and i had a diet coke. Then i had a Hershey bar in my bed. On the way to work i went thru the DQ drive-thru and got an order of popcorn shrimp with onion rings and a diet coke. The fast food late night dinner was KFC, 2 crispy thighs, a few potato wedges, a few bites of mashed potatoes and a biscuit. I had a Hershey bar with almonds and then i drank a lot more diet coke all evening.

That’s just horrid… calorie count: 70+90+30+70+90+30, 210, 370+360, 340+340+60+30+180, 210 …… 1320 after the DQ, then 1160 when i got home from work…. total calorie count for today = 2480

I admit that i was certainly thinking, I’ll have this now because i won’t get it next week. But, that’s the story of my fat life, i’m always telling myself that.

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That’s right… its been exactly one year since i have even been to this blogsite. Today someone read my blog and posted a lovely comment on post #41, thanks so much Dyncchiggic.

I’m the type that always needs a little push.

So… in the past year since i quit paying attention to all things 3FC what have i been up to? …

Getting fatter, mostly. According to my tracking ticker, i’ve gained 17 1/2 pounds in the last year. And its all fat too, in fact i’ve probably lost muscle and replaced it with fat. I’m so awkwardly out of shape now. I’m basically a blob. I have been planning to make a move and do something, anything. But i always just let the rest of my life get in the way. I take any excuse to do nothing. I let any little issue send me to the fridge or the cabinet or the drive-thru. I really do need to get ahold of myself.

I’ve never weighed over 200 before, and its kind of scary. I worry that i may get to a point where i may not be able to turn back.

Other than the weight, how is life for me?

Its ok i guess.

I’m still with the grouchy redneck husband. I love him on some days and hate him on others.

Our daughter is growing up beautifully, she’s in high school now and still the best thing that has ever happened to us, a real sweetheart.

My niece has been living with us part time, I love that child like my own. She’s a little mini-billie.

My sis is still pretty much a mess. She did finally get a job after a year without income, but now she works too many hours and most of them over night. The power in her house has been disconnected for a few weeks.

My art career is moving along, i think. I have finished my BFA and am teaching art part time at a community college. I just exhibited in a prestigious show at my University. My current work is all about my weight-gain. I’ll post some pics on here if people are interested. My artist statement in my recent exhibit was a heart-wrencher. I actually saw people reading it and covering their mouths, expressing a lot of emotion on their faces. It may have been the best part of my exhibit: it was about how i struggled with weight as a little girl with a mom who weighed about 90 lbs and a granny who weighed about 300, and then i got control as a young adult, but then when i started college weight just piled on me again because i am such a hyper-focuser that i could only concentrate on classes.

I have another art show planned for September, i have plans to add several pieces to the body of work i just exhibited.

Well, i guess that’ll do for today. I’ve got tons of grading to do tonight and a final exam to write up.

I wonder if i’ll come back here tomorrow?…

I wonder if my old 3FC friends are still blogging?…

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Also i’m re-addicted to fast food. There have been several days in the past week where i have only eaten fast food all day.

I can use the excuse of being so busy with my last week of classes as to why i haven’t been blogging, much less dieting. But we all know, its not about not having enough time, its about not “making” enough time.

I think that once i got off schedule with the workouts, i went downhill.

I just have to get it together. I’ve been avoiding the scale and not caring about calories. In fact, it almost seems like i am fully cognicent about over eating.

On the up side, i have a whole new idea for my next body of work. I haven’t told this to anyone yet, but my last 2 metals projects have been centered on it (and they are primo work if i do say so myself). And i have been contemplating this for a few months, trying to think up good ideas.

Umm, um, um .. .. .. .. I am now officially announcing that my fall art show will be art about being fat and unhappy with it and the struggle to lose weight .. .. .. .. ta da!

As soon as school is out i will post pics of the 2 metals projects i am talking about. I actually sort of started on this last semester when i made some dishes that say things like “blessed are those who hunger and thirst for they are sticking to their diets” and “gluttony is not a secret vice.”  The bulk of the work i am thinking of for the fall show will be sculptural.

Another thing that has been bugging me: this one is hard to talk about, hard to admit. .. .. ..

I have discovered that the reason why i like eating so much is that most of my happiness comes from food. .. .. .. I know this might be a simple conclusion, but i really have been thinking about it a lot.

I have to be honest, i am not that happy with my home life, and by home life i mean my marriage. Listen, i love my husband i really do, but things just don’t work right with us. We have different goals in life, different ideas about where we want to be in the future, way different interests, we don’t work well together and most of all he is just too damn bitchy. I can’t hardly stand it. I am a pretty even tempered gal and i don’t want to be bothered with nonsense. Like, the two of us both enjoy fishing and we went together on saturday and sunday, sounds nice right? Just the 2 of us hanging out in a boat on a pond out in the country. All alone, its almost romantic. But that asshole ain’t a bit romantic, he just complains and cusses nonstop. He lets every little nuisance ruin his life and i am getting resentful from wasting my life with all that penny-ante bullshit.

I’m sorry if i am laying way too much out there all at once. I guess i just need an outlet. And i’m not getting divorced or anything (maybe i should write at least not yet). Its not like the marriage is all bad, we certainly have a lot of good things going on with each other. It’s just that i’ve been trying to work this out with him for years and i feel like i’m sort of at an impasse with him.

I’ve got to find another source for my happiness. My daughter is wonderful, of course. I love going to school. I am truly happy when i’m there. My friends tell me i smile all the time. And i find that i eat well the whole time i’m at school. I am able to make healthy choices while i’m there. But, it’s like as soon as i leave… As soon as i leave school!! Then i need to find a supplemental happiness.

I got up yesterday and was so excited to be under 190! Apparently eating 1600 hasn’t been hurting me, my weight is still going in the right direction. But then i just did nothing all day. And even worse, i got snack happy.

Philip brought home some red licorice (i asked him to get it) and i got into the bag about 3 times. Once i got above 1600 i got the eff it attitude and took it as an excuse to eat more, “I’m already over my limit, so why not?” I ate several pieces of dark chocolate, a couple single-serv bags of cheetos, and then i finally decided to have a few mixed drinks. I kept track of every calorie and i ended the day at almost 2600 calories.

So i went 1000 calories over and didn’t exercise for several days. I slept heavy until 11am this morning. I didn’t know what to expect when i stepped on the scale this morning . . . up 2 pounds.

I suppose it could have been worse, but it really shows my self-destructive side. I keep telling myself i just want to get under 190. I’m planning to take it 5 lbs at a time this time.

I think the binging may have been a result of a not so good dinner. The spaghetti i made was bland, no flavor at all. So i think the rest of the evening i was looking for something to taste good. And i didn’t find a taste that suited me until i had the mixed drink. I love that pama, cranberry & lime drink.

When i dragged my ass up out of the bed, i knew the scale would be up. Now, thinking realistically i know the extra 1000 calories didn’t really make me gain 2 lbs. It’s just reflecting the carb overload. I am going to go back down to 1200 calories today and hopefully the 2 pounds will drop back off.

I forced myself to do my favorite 25 minute cardio first thing. And i hope i can talk myself into exercising again this afternoon because i know i won’t do it tomorrow after a long school day. I don’t know how you ladies that work full time make the time to exercise on the weekdays. I’m amazed by your level of dedication.