.

Also i’m re-addicted to fast food. There have been several days in the past week where i have only eaten fast food all day.

I can use the excuse of being so busy with my last week of classes as to why i haven’t been blogging, much less dieting. But we all know, its not about not having enough time, its about not “making” enough time.

I think that once i got off schedule with the workouts, i went downhill.

I just have to get it together. I’ve been avoiding the scale and not caring about calories. In fact, it almost seems like i am fully cognicent about over eating.

On the up side, i have a whole new idea for my next body of work. I haven’t told this to anyone yet, but my last 2 metals projects have been centered on it (and they are primo work if i do say so myself). And i have been contemplating this for a few months, trying to think up good ideas.

Umm, um, um .. .. .. .. I am now officially announcing that my fall art show will be art about being fat and unhappy with it and the struggle to lose weight .. .. .. .. ta da!

As soon as school is out i will post pics of the 2 metals projects i am talking about. I actually sort of started on this last semester when i made some dishes that say things like “blessed are those who hunger and thirst for they are sticking to their diets” and “gluttony is not a secret vice.”  The bulk of the work i am thinking of for the fall show will be sculptural.

Another thing that has been bugging me: this one is hard to talk about, hard to admit. .. .. ..

I have discovered that the reason why i like eating so much is that most of my happiness comes from food. .. .. .. I know this might be a simple conclusion, but i really have been thinking about it a lot.

I have to be honest, i am not that happy with my home life, and by home life i mean my marriage. Listen, i love my husband i really do, but things just don’t work right with us. We have different goals in life, different ideas about where we want to be in the future, way different interests, we don’t work well together and most of all he is just too damn bitchy. I can’t hardly stand it. I am a pretty even tempered gal and i don’t want to be bothered with nonsense. Like, the two of us both enjoy fishing and we went together on saturday and sunday, sounds nice right? Just the 2 of us hanging out in a boat on a pond out in the country. All alone, its almost romantic. But that asshole ain’t a bit romantic, he just complains and cusses nonstop. He lets every little nuisance ruin his life and i am getting resentful from wasting my life with all that penny-ante bullshit.

I’m sorry if i am laying way too much out there all at once. I guess i just need an outlet. And i’m not getting divorced or anything (maybe i should write at least not yet). Its not like the marriage is all bad, we certainly have a lot of good things going on with each other. It’s just that i’ve been trying to work this out with him for years and i feel like i’m sort of at an impasse with him.

I’ve got to find another source for my happiness. My daughter is wonderful, of course. I love going to school. I am truly happy when i’m there. My friends tell me i smile all the time. And i find that i eat well the whole time i’m at school. I am able to make healthy choices while i’m there. But, it’s like as soon as i leave… As soon as i leave school!! Then i need to find a supplemental happiness.

Philip brought home some red licorice (i asked him to get it) and i got into the bag about 3 times. Once i got above 1600 i got the eff it attitude and took it as an excuse to eat more, “I’m already over my limit, so why not?” I ate several pieces of dark chocolate, a couple single-serv bags of cheetos, and then i finally decided to have a few mixed drinks. I kept track of every calorie and i ended the day at almost 2600 calories.

So i went 1000 calories over and didn’t exercise for several days. I slept heavy until 11am this morning. I didn’t know what to expect when i stepped on the scale this morning . . . up 2 pounds.

I suppose it could have been worse, but it really shows my self-destructive side. I keep telling myself i just want to get under 190. I’m planning to take it 5 lbs at a time this time.

I think the binging may have been a result of a not so good dinner. The spaghetti i made was bland, no flavor at all. So i think the rest of the evening i was looking for something to taste good. And i didn’t find a taste that suited me until i had the mixed drink. I love that pama, cranberry & lime drink.

When i dragged my ass up out of the bed, i knew the scale would be up. Now, thinking realistically i know the extra 1000 calories didn’t really make me gain 2 lbs. It’s just reflecting the carb overload. I am going to go back down to 1200 calories today and hopefully the 2 pounds will drop back off.

I forced myself to do my favorite 25 minute cardio first thing. And i hope i can talk myself into exercising again this afternoon because i know i won’t do it tomorrow after a long school day. I don’t know how you ladies that work full time make the time to exercise on the weekdays. I’m amazed by your level of dedication.

I still haven’t exercised. It’s been like 4 or 5 days. Hopefully i am the first one up in the morning and i can get back to it. It’ll be like starting all over again, not that i had built up any stamina.

I’ve eaten 1600 calories for the past 2 days and my weight has stayed at 190. I’m anxious to see if 1600 cal causes me to gain or prevents me from going down. If i’d exercise that would probably help.

My to-do list isn’t getting any shorter. It’s about half school stuff and half home stuff. There is nothing on that list that i can just ignore. I’m about to enter the highly stressful last 2 weeks of classes, I better work on that list tomorrow. We’ll see. I’m in the self-sabotage danger zone.

I can’t wait til school is finished, the house is getting to be a danger zone. No one else around here does a drop of cleaning. I don’t really blame them, most of the mess is mine. Being an artist can be really clutter-like, especially when i don’t have a well-organized supply room. I end up making stacks and gathering boxes. I need to put that on my summer to-do list, a supply room would change my life.

Umm, no workout again today. School all morning, then for dinner I took Hannah and her BFF Megan out for pizza, then i kinda sat around doing nothing all evening.

I’ve got a huge to-do list, sometimes that makes me self-sabotage and do nothing.

I’m moving up to 1400-1600 calories for the next week. I’m anxious to see if i keep losing at that count, i’ve had trouble with that in the past, but i know its not good to keep at the 1200 count for too long because my metabolism slows down.

Back to the visiting artist workshop first thing in the morning. I hope i can get back into the exercise groove tomorrow once i get home.

I just hope that i am not so far out of the groove that i get to where i can’t get myself to exercise again.

Today was weird for me. I got aggravated because the battery died in my new blackberry by 4pm. I hate not having a phone when i am so far from home for so long. So i had to go get a car charger for it ($32!!) Then, i get in car to use it and i have to unplug my satellite radio from the lighter socket and it sparked and blew a fuse, so the lighter socket didn’t work at all and i couldn’t charge my phone. I was so frustrated. I wanted to go get some pasta right then and pig out, but for whatever reason, i just went back to school and texted philip from the studio computer to tell him what was going on and what time i was planning to head home so he didn’t worry.

I ended up just having a fiber1 bar from my bag for dinner, then i grabbed a grilled chicken sandwich for the drive home. I still have a few hundred calories left, i am going to fix myself a couple of mixed drinks for while i take my bath. I have discovered Pama, pomegranate liqueur, it’s delicious.

Anyway, i’m off to the tub. I’ll check in with you chickies tomorrow, hopefully after getting in a workout.

Hannah is really into japanese culture and I told her we could go to the fujiyama. She’s off school this week and i have to go to school every other day so we needed a day out together. I was worried I would go way overboard at the restaurant so i searched and searched to find calorie info. Let me tell you, that is not an easy task. Mostly i learned that if i stay away from the battered deep fried stuff and the fried rice, i should do okay, and that most of the fare is considered healthy. I had to guesstimate for the most part on calories.

I think i did okay, according to my calculations i got out of there having eaten around 700 calories. And i felt soo full, i am getting used to eating small meals. Does this count sound right? : a bit of green onion soup (5), a small ginger dressing salad (150), 2 pc philly sushi roll (100), an order of hibachi shrimp (220), an order of hibachi grilled veggies (90), a half cup of noodles (100) and 3 bites of fried ice cream (50).

So, i had some running around and shopping to do today as well and i didn’t take the time to exercise. Once i got home, i tried again to no avail to find some calorie counts on that food and then i watched Lost, the best show on tv.

i didn’t eat much else today so i’m still coming in at a good number on calories, but i am disappointed in myself for not squeezing in a workout. I’m afraid this may lead to more skipped workouts. I probably should have gotten up at 8 instead of 9:30, then i would have been able to do it. Lesson learned.

No workout today since it was a school day. I’ve done good on food all day depite a couple of close calls with fast food. I had an off day at school (it think its from lack of coffee for several days & today i was going to make some once i got to school but the coffee maker was missing!) Anyway, about noon i decided that since i felt all blah i would run thru the drive thru and treat myself to a diet coke. I saw a frozen caramel coffee on the menu and it looked so good. I’m so glad i resisted because i looked up how many calories they have, 600-700! It would have doubled my calorie count at that point of the day.

I’m back in the right mindset. Putting my health first.

Got up this morning and struggled thru another cardio dvd, but its all good. Knowing i got up and worked out really makes me feel better for the rest of the day. It’s like i have a whole new demeanor. I’m carrying myself different. I have only lost 3 lbs in the last 6 days but i feel like a different person.

I know this all sounds like lip service but its true. Today i simply feel healthier.

One thing hasn’t changed for me tho: I can only focus on one thing at a time. I’m focusing on my health and my classwork is going downhill. I have to find a way to balance my life.

The best thing about this new mindset is my new-found ability to pass up a drive thru. Tonight i had to stay late in the metals studio and Philip and Hannah fixed themselves something for dinner. Philip told me to ‘pick myself up something on my way home.’ Those words are a little dangerous. I thought about going for a panera panini, a steak n shake grilled chicken or a dq chicken wrap all in turn as i passed them by. I considered slipping thru for a diet coke to get me home. In the end i decided to drink my bottle of water and fix myself some pasta pomodoro once i got home. Yay me!

Got up and worked out first thing this morning. I thought i’d have the place to myself while Philip and Hannah slept, so i put in a difficult ‘yoga burn’ dvd. I had only done 10 minutes when Philip got up and started mulling around and yacking to me, so i couldn’t focus and started stumbling a lot. I only made it 15 minutes, i wasn’t ready for it. So after we all had breakfast i got out the wii fit because i don’t mind doing that in front of the family. I stuck to the cardio and worked hard, i did a lot of jogging, stepping and boxing. I logged in 50 minutes on it.

My little calorie counting app on my phone is working out well. I can even look up nutritional info online with my phone, but its kind of a pain in the butt. There is probably a good app out there for that. I wish applebee’s would put out all of their nutritional info. It would probably be scary tho. I had a gift card for garfield’s once and i looked up it’s nutrition chart. Ooh! Everything was over 1000! Seriously there were like 2 items that were around the healthy 400 calorie range.

I’m so happy that i have gotten back to eating well and i’m even exercising!

I did another workout this morning. To me, this more than anything else is proof that i am committed this time around. I’m not letting myself off easy either. No wii fit workout is as effective as a “real” workout. I have a lot of exercise dvds, so i keep switching it up. I am working hard and getting sweaty and exhausted. When i think i can’t handle anymore i just keep pushing it.

Food is going well. If i consider that i had been binging off the charts for the past couple months, i’m doing absolutely awesome. I have been counting every calorie and i’m not wasting any on junk food. I managed to pass up fast food when i went to town yesterday, which was pretty amazing because i was hungry. I won’t lie, it certainly entered my thought to grab a chicken wrap, but i really want to get off of fast food all together. So i just ate my fiber1 bar and then later i had an ounce of peanuts from my purse. Planning ahead is going to be half the battle for avoiding the drive thrus.

I downloaded a calorie tracking app on my phone today, i’m thinking i may make the transition from pen to keypad. We’ll see.