I had a better rest of the afternoon and an even better evening- so far. I’m keeping my fingers crossed. I have this weird craving for either chocolate or peanuts or peanut butter. I already had more than my daily allowance of ZERO sweets today when I ate 3 peanut m&m’s over my grandma’s house. I really hate that she has about 10 candy jars on her great room table filled with delicious treats like mini snickers, twix, kit-kats, peanut m&m’s jelly beans, and so on and so forth. I usually just avoid entering her great room altogether, but I saw my dad sitting in there and I went to say hi. I just eased over to the table, took 3 inhaled them and that was that! I don’t know why I even did it. Well yes I do, I planned it before I even got to the house. Who am I kidding. It was always in the plans. I was just trying to fight the urge. Anyhow, I don’t feel bad about it. It was only 3 and it won’t kill me. It’s been over a week since I had any candy at all so I’ll be ok. But I didn’t eat again until dinner after that. I waited until I came home and made a healthy meal of baked Orange Roughy, sauteed spinach and mushrooms, and brown rice.

Today is the 27th day of my new, improved lifestyle and my journey to lose 50 pounds. Almost a whole month. I have lost almost 11 pounds. I’m happy with my results up until this point. For month 2, I hope to increase my running distance and speed. I hope to lose at least 7 more pounds to make it out of the 170’s. This is so doable! I think I have done well with consistency. I have only had minor slip ups and they were because of circumstances beyond my control like the wedding and my sister visiting. In 27 days, I have only missed 4 days of exercise. I am proud. I don’t feel like this is effort at all. I am enjoying the change. I can do this. I can become fit and live a healthy lifestyle.

I just had a moment. I think I am under control again now. I just had a slight binge. I am trying to figure out what just happened. I am using this time to gather my thoughts and assess what went wrong. I came in from working out at the gym. I knew it was time to eat something, so I decided to make a new recipe I had been wanting to try. It was for “fries” made out of butternut squash. You peel and cut the squash up into french fry shapes and then bake it. Well… mine didn’t turn out so well. It would have been good except I cut my fries too thin and had waaaaaay too much salt.

So here’s what happened and how things started to go wrong. I knew that this recipe would take a while to get finished, so I ate a few (5-6) chunks of fresh pineapple to hold me over until the fries were ready. This was before I even started making the fries, so I figured it was no big deal. Well, while the fries were cooking, I started to think about what I’d have with them. I wanted some meat, but didn’t feel like defrosting any chicken to cook, let alone cooking it. (I should have just made my usual turkey sandwich and none of this would have happened) So anyway, I knew I wasn’t going to make anything to go with the fries, so I pulled out my turkey deli meat. I pulled a few pieces out of the container which was probably about a slice if it wasn’t all broken and torn apart. I ate that, and waited for the fries. When the fries were about done, I took them out to turn them. They were not looking so hot. They were stuck to the pan and really thin and hard to turn. They were cooked enough to eat, but they weren’t crispy. I tasted a few to find that they were really, really salty. But I stood at the stove and ate them off the pan instead of throwing them out. I couldn’t cook them any more because they were messed up anyway so there was no point. I just ate most of them standing right there at the stove. Then I was looking for something to cut the salt taste in my mouth so I went back to the turkey. Ate a little bit more of that, and was still searching the fridge for something else. I saw the cantaloupe that I cut up this morning. I ate about 6 chunks of it, but I really wasn’t counting. It could have been more. I was just standing there at the fridge with the door wide open shoving cantaloupe into my face straight from the baggie it was in. This is all before I even realized what I was doing. Then I spotted the Baby Bel Light cheese wheels. I grabbed one of those and started to peel the wrapper off when I realized what I was about to do. So I threw it back on the shelf where I got it. That was where I gained control again ( I hope). I have no idea what I just ate. But I’m going to try and figure out why it happened. Here’s what I’ve come up with:

1. I didn’t have a plan for lunch.

2. I waited until I was too hungry to eat.

3. I was not prepared by having meat already defrosting.

4. I was really hungry, but fixing a new recipe for the first time, and on top of that , it was a recipe that took more than 40 minutes to prepare.

All of these things were working against me. I lost control. I was ravenous. Honestly, it could have been worse. Really. But I filled up on things without ever sitting down with a plate. I was just standing at the stove or at the fridge stuffing my face. I don’t think I over ate. I know I didn’t eat all the fries, but I ate most of them and they were really really salty. I had pre-measured my serving out so I know that if I had eaten the full 10 oz serving of fries it would have been 125 calories, the pineapple, and cantaloupe were not all that bad, and the turkey is very lean. So all in all, I’m sure I didn’t do much damage now that I think about it, but I just do not like the feeling of losing control. I actually wanted to throw in a bowl of cereal into the mix because I just wasn’t being satisfied with my lunch. I had a very hard workout and I wanted to come home and eat a filing, satisfying meal. That did not happen. I just don’t know what I’m going to do with myself. And oh great! Now my stomach is starting to hurt…..

Because that’s exactly what I’m doing! I was so excited to weigh in this morning because I KNEW I was going to be out of the 180’s. I could feel it! I stepped on the scale and it read…. U ready?…. 177.2!!! I am ecstatic!! I was hoping for 179, but 177?! I had to do a double take. I have been trying so hard. This Sunday I am at another track meet with my children. I packed healthy snacks for us to eat. I am better prepared this week. When I get home, I plan to either go to the gym or run in my neighborhood. I’ll report back later I’m sure

***UPDATE***

Scratch my plans to work out- didn’t happen. I have a little track star on my hands. My 7 year old son placed very well in his track events today. 3rd in the 400m dash, and 2nd in the 800m dash. They were timed finals, but he was 1st to finish in his heat each race! I was super excited because he was 2nd and 3rd out of more than 40 other runners in his age group. What a super duper mothers day gift to see my boy run such great races. He also did well in the long jump, but we don’t have those results yet. With all that said, we didn’t leave the track meet until after 5pm. I had no Mother’s Day cards, gifts, etc. for anyone, so I had to run to the store. My mother-in-law hadn’t made it home by the time I got to her house, so I went around the corner to my grandma’s house and waited for her. I spent the remainder of the evening visiting with family. I finally made it home around 9:30 pm. I still had to feed the kids dinner and get them bathed and ready for bed. I am exhausted now as I sit at the kitchen table with them while they eat. I know that as soon as they are done, I am going to to take a shower, wash my face and go to bed. There will be no type of physical activity for me today. I did some walking around, running around, climbing bleachers, giving my 62 pound son a nice, long piggy back ride, so that will have to tide me over until the morning. Oh and I bought a new workout DVD for my Wii Fit while shopping today. I am excited to give it a try. But that will have to wait until tomorrow or Tuesday. Tomorrow the kitchen and I have a all day cleaning event to attend.

I woke up this morning and was at the gym by 8:45. I was really excited to go and I look forward to it every day. I was only able to run 2 miles today because at the end of mile 1 I thought I was superwoman and kicked the speed on the treadmill up to 6.0! I did that for about a lap and a half and had to stop. I took it down to 5.0 for most of lap 2 and was only able to take the speed back up to 5.6 on the last lap of mile 2. Either way, I was drenched in sweat, and feeling great. I did a small about of weight lifting on my legs, and intend to do my arms next time. I went home and made breakfast which was a delicious egg beater omelet with spinach, chicken and guacamole.
I spent the rest of the afternoon braiding my daughters hair. Then I made a quick lunch and headed out to a barbeque in the park for my friend who was having a going away party. I made sure I ate before I went so I wouldn’t be hungry while everyone else was eating. Worked like a charm! Even though the cake looked delicious, I resisted and enjoyed feeding it to my children. After the barbecue, we headed over to my grandma’s who was having a delayed cinco de mayo celebration. Da da duuuum! I absolutely love Mexican food! When I say she had everything, she had EVERYTHING!!! Chili, nachos, tacos, enchiladas, quesidillas, just to name a few. All homemede of course. Wanna know what I ate? About 4 tablespoons of black bean corn salsa, same amount of guacamole, 2 tequila lime chicken wings (I pulled the skin off), and a veggie fajita. I skipped the chips, my tortilla was whole wheat. I’d say I did pretty good. And the very best part was that I got all kinds of compliments all day about having visiably lost weight! I didn’t know it was noticeable, but I guess it is!!! That makes me feel great. Well my Saturday was a very successful day. I’m pleased.

Today was a pretty decent day for me. I got up and went to the gym early. I started out jogging on the treadmill, and was feeling pretty good for about oh 5 minutes, before I got an important phone call that I HAD to take. I ended up walking for about 20 mins while I took the call. Once it was over, I started jogging again. Once again, feeling fab for about another 20 mins when what do you know? Another call! I also really really needed to take this one, so I did, and this one only lasted about 2 1/2 minutes. I accidentally cleared my workout screen so I have no idea how much time or distance I really did. All I know is that I kicked the treadmill up to 5.6 and did another mile. So I’m guessing in that 25 minutes I was jogging I did about 2 miles. Then another uninterrupted mile makes 3! Not to mention the walking during the calls, and the half mile I did after the last jog. I was drenched by the time I was done, and I went and sat in the sauna for another 30 mins. I felt great when I left. My muscles were relaxed and I felt rejuvenated. I came home and fixed lunch and showered, then headed out to run some errands. My friend invited me to happy hour and karaoke, so I went. I had a really good time singing very horrible versions of my favorite songs And as far as the alcohol consumption…. zero. I had a tall cup of water. I politely refused all drink offers, and didn’t even look in the direction of any food. It was so easy. I wasn’t the least bit tempted nor did I feel like any of it was a strain. I guess it helped that my friends weren’t eating. But I’d like to think that I would have been fine even if they were. I came home and munched a little on some chips and dip, then made a nice salad for dinner. I checked in on my 2nd favorite pastime- FACEBOOK! and here I am! I’d say it was a wonderful day. Not even the very disturbing piece of mail notifying me that my children’s medical insurance is  being canceled will ruin this day. It’s Friday, and I’ll deal with that next week. Right now, I’m going to enjoy my weekend.

Food for the day:

B: Peanut butter and banana on whole wheat pita bread

L: Turkey, cucumber, tomato, hummus on whole wheat pita, grapes, string cheese

S: “MY” trailmix- almonds, dried fruit, berries; 1/4 banana, apple (not all at the same time)

D: Baked tortilla chips, guacamole; salad with romaine, grape tomatoes, dried berries, Bac’n Pieces, Salad Topping, Light Raspberry Vinaigrette dressing. (Sounds like a lot, but I know I needed the calories!)

I really hope not, because I’m about to hit it HARD! As hard as my body will let me. So as I stated in my last post, I did an intense hour on the elliptical at the gym today. I actually did 30 mins forward at a 10 incline, and an 11 resistance, then switched to pedaling backward and did another 30 mins at 8 incline, 5 resistance. I was drenched! I tried to run my normal 2 miles at the kids’ track practice, but my legs wouldn’t let me. I wasn’t really tired, but my legs were. I jogged 4 laps, then walked 2. I’m still trying to figure out how I feel about today. I just feel kind of blahhhh! So um, here’s what I consumed today:

B: 1 orange, 1 bowl of steel cut oatmeal with a splash of almond milk and a sprinkle of raisins

S1: trail mix

S2: guacamole and chips( just a few)

L: Leftover turkey meatballs from last night in pita pockets with tzatziki and hummus

D: 4 meatballs, spinach, hummus, and tzatziki rolled up with a whole wheat flatbread (can you say DELISH!!)

I drank tons of water too.

So that’s my day in a nutshell… Goodnight!

Ok so last night I was talking to a friend, and realized that she and I belong to the same gym. I got really excited because I really want to reconnect with my long lost companion(the gym) and my friend and I could also spend some time together. So that got me thinking that maybe I should go in and reactivate my account. I’d be able to get a lot more exercise time in, and I’d be able to go whenever I wanted; even when it’s hot or raining. So I went in today and paid a whopping $85 which is what I owed them since I deactivated my account in January. No, I don’t have a job, and I don’t know how I’m going to afford the membership fee of $21.87 a month, but where there’s a will, there’s a way and the will is definitely present and accounted for, I just need to find the way! I was just thinking this morning that I really need to exercise more and eat more calories which would probably help me see better results! I feel really good about being back in the gym. As soon as I paid my money, I hopped on the elliptical and did a hard-core hour. Lots of sweat involved! YESSS! I’m going to get this thing right, whatever it takes. I’m going to figure out what my body needs, and DO IT!

I broke my rule of not stepping on the scale mid-week. I’m sooooo disappointed to see the exact same number as Sunday. I mean, I have straight ATTITUDE! I feel like I’m working so hard, doing everything I should be, only to not see results. And what’s worse is yesterday I put on a pair of my summer shorts, and guess what?! They fit! That’s soooo not a good thing, considering they are a size 12. I usually fluctuate between size 12 and 14. My smallest size ever was between 8 and 10 around 2003-2004. In the past, to lose weight, I’d do it the unhealthy way. I’d starve myself for a week or two, I tried just about every fad diet known to mankind, all those methods resulted in substantial weight loss. Temporary, but substantial. I lost the most on Atkins. Once I started eating carbs again, I gained the weight back. But now, I can’t believe I am doing everything that I feel to be healthy and wise, and I am not seeing any benefits. It makes me sad. I said I wasn’t going to do this. I wasn’t going to stress about the number on the scale. I have to take into consideration that it is TOM. I may still be retaining water. I may also be building muscle mass. I HAVE received comments that I look slimmer. So with all that being said, I should probably just calm down. It’s just hard when you feel like you’re doing all the right things. Last time it wasn’t this hard. I just need to up the ante. I will find a way to get back into the gym. It’s only $21 a month, so I need to figure out how to make that happen for me. Eating wise, I don’t know what to change. When I was counting my calories, I don’t think I ever hit 1200. It was always just under. Maybe that has caused a problem. I need more calories. Well now that I’m not counting so strictly, I should be able to pick up more calories. Anyhow, enough of my whining for now. I’m going to run.

Sooo I had a pretty great Wednesday. I stayed on plan until the very end. I exercised, and even did a couple loads of laundry, and made it to Trader Joe’s! I always get excited about shopping at TJ’s because it is about a 20 minute drive from my house, and I don’t really get to go often. One of the main highlights of my day is that my horrible sunburn from Sunday is finally bronzing up to a very nice color! I was looking like a lobster for the past 3 days, but not any more! Now I just itch! Ok, so here’s how I did for food ( I had a LOT of food today!):

B: 1 whole wheat English muffin, 1/4c egg beaters, 2 turkey sausage links, 2 tomato slices, and fresh basil; 1 orange

S: “MY” trail mix- roasted almonds, dried tropical fruit, and dried mixed berries; 1/2 banana

L: turkey sandwich on whole wheat with tomato, light mayo, and dijon mustard; grapes; and light string cheese

S: Baked blue corn tortilla chips, with semi-homemade guacamole (measured portions)

D: Spiced turkey meatballs in pita pockets with homemade Tzatziki and store bought hummus, with oven roasted corn on the cob

Now, I must mention that my dinner recipe came from a fellow 3FC blogger, and it was absolutely fabulous! This was THE MAIN HIGHLIGHT of my entire day! Only downfall to this wonderful recipe, was that it was so good, I really wanted seconds. I didn’t go back and make another plate, but I did eat half of a meatball that my daughter wouldn’t finish, and I DID pick out pieces of onion and scraps from the skillet I used to cook the meatballs in. YES, it was THAT good! It was super easy to make, and the BEST part about it was that I did not have to go buy any special ingredients other than the pita pockets. Everything else I keep on hand anyway, so this was the perfect recipe for me. I bought a new kind of hummus that I probably would have tried anyway because the blogger mentioned that it was the kind she used, but I keep hummus in the house. I can’t live without it! Haha!

While I feel bad about picking out of the pan because that’s just FAT, I still had a pretty good day. Everything was planned and there were no major slip-ups. I love being in control of my eating. I love making healthy choices. I love that I have created a new way of living for myself. I actually feel a little guilty because I didn’t run at my kids’ track practice tonight. I ran my neighborhood this morning, and did very well, but I still feel like I should have done a little more. I feel bad because I am not exercising for at least an hour each day. I need to find a way to get more minutes in. I did the Turbo Jam DVD last night, and was able to work up a decent sweat. I want to do it again tonight, but I also want to get to bed at a decent hour. It’s about a 45 minute work out, and I exercised for 35 this morning, so I feel like the two together would be enough. I don’t know, I might do it but not sure. Ok, I’m rambling. Time to get off. Good night all!

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how losing weight is going to change my life. Not just the weight loss itself, but the process of losing the weight too. I just went to the grocery store (Aldi) and spent $117 on groceries for the week. Only thing is, I’m HOPING they last through the week. Before I made the decision to change my life, I would spend at least $15 each day on fast food for myself and my 2 children. I hardly EVER stepped foot in a grocery store. Now, I’m in grocery stores, wholesale clubs, produce stands and markets, every single week! It’s a little more expensive to eat good, quality food over junk, but it’s well worth it! It’s amazing how much your diet and exercise affects your life. Just a little over a month ago, I was suffering from MAJOR depression. I was avoiding everyone as well as everything. I felt like crap. Then one day out of the blue sky I decided to make a change. It started out as just 30 days, but now that I’ve started, there’s NO WAY I’m ever going back to Burger King’s XT burgers, McD’s chicken nuggets, Hardee’s Chicken sandwiches NONE of that! The thing that worries me is that I don’t have a job. I quit my job in March due to my depression and stress, and now I’m trying to figure out what I am going to do. Eating healthy and maintaining this lifestyle is going to be pretty expensive. I have to figure something out- FAST! But all in all, I am so happy with the progress I’ve made. I am so close to being out of the 180’s. Saying goodbye to 180 for good will be a huge accomplishment. I have spent soooo much time here. YEARS! I remember when I first started gaining weight in 2005 after I graduated college. I started my first teaching job, made lots of new friends, and spent many many nights at happy hour. WOW! Fun times, but they were not at all kind to my figure. In 2006, I got pregnant with my daughter, and that was all she wrote for the weight-loss. I gained and gained. I was over 200lbs when I gave birth to my baby girl. I’ve been trying to lose the weight for 3 and a half years now, but I’ve been unable to keep it off. In the summer of 2008, I got down to 169, I think. That was very short lived, because I quickly picked all the weight back up. Each time I would try to lose weight, I started out heavier than the time before. I’m just sitting here thinking, never again! I will not put myself through this ever again. I am teaching myself how to do this the right way. I am not trying to find a lose weight quick gimmick so I can put the weight back on in a New York minute! I want it off for good this time. This is why I’m not in a rush. I will let the weight come off naturally. I’d like to be out of the 170’s before my 28th birthday in September, because I’m strongly considering going into the Air Force and the max weight for a 5′6″ woman is 170. Otherwise, I wouldn’t rush anything. If you notice my goals page, you will see that I do not have any times of set time frames for my weight loss. That’s just not what it’s all about to me. While I’d LIKE to lose 10 pounds in a month, I know that it’s not a race, and if I don’t, I’m still okay with that.

I also keep wondering if when I lose the weight, I will feel better about myself. I have self-esteem issues which also effect my self-confidence who would have guessed the two go hand in hand!? LOL Well, I just don’t feel very good about myself and it shows in the way I dress, the way I carry myself, my attitude, my relationships with friends and family. It’s just ALL over! I just wonder if when I look and feel better on the outside, how it will affect me inside.

Ok, I think I’m done here for now. I’ll update later this evening! Oh, yea and I’ve been on plan 100% so far today! Yay!

***UPDATE***

I’ve decided that I do not want to count calories. I don’t like a huge amount of structure in my life. I like to have a little room for leeway. I can measure my portions out, and weigh my meat without adding every single calorie. I came to this conclusion when I was preparing my lunch. I made a stir-fry which consisted of orange, green, and yellow bell peppers, mushrooms, onion, and garlic, seasoned with sesame oil, chili sauce, and soy sauce. I did not feel like measuring every single thing I put into the recipe just to get an accurate calorie count. I did, however, eat only about a 1 cup serving of the mixture and put the rest in the fridge for another time. So, I can still watch my portions without counting every single calorie. I will see how this works for me. I know I am not overeating. Because after 2 weeks of counting calories, I know about how much food 1200 calories is. So here is what I had to eat today:

B: Omelet with cheese and peppers, 3 strips turkey bacon

S: String Cheese, Grapes

L: Veggie Stir-Fry (no rice)

S: Baby Bel Light cheese wheel, almond & dried fruit trail mix

D: Fish Tacos with lettuce, salsa, guacamole (including a couple extra spoonfuls after dinner)

Dessert: homemade berry smoothie

Exercise: 30 min brisk walk, and I’m trying to psyche myself up to do Turbo Jam DVD right now. It’s 9:50 pm. I’ll let you know how that goes…