A few months ago I went in for a Wellness exam for my insurance. Basically, all I needed to do was to get my blood drawn and numbers taken to get a 50% discount on my insurance bill. I didn’t take it too seriously, other than fasting and showing up early so as to not start gnawing on the chairs in the waiting room. Looking back on that day I have two vivid memories: The giant bruise I received from the blood draw that made me look like a heroin addict for a week (ironic, a FAT heroin addict) and I also remember the BMI percentage I received on my fatness, I mean my wellness, exam scorecard.

In case you are unfamiliar with BMI, let me clue you in on the hell it is…BMI stand for “Body Mass Index.” When you combine your height with your weight you are given a number which tells you what percentage of your body is fat. Some scales also consider your age and sex. Here is a chart of numbers of what is acceptable and unacceptable:

  • Below 18.5 = Underweight
  • 18.5 – 24.9 = Normal
  • 25 – 29.9 = Overweight
  • 30 and above = Obese
My percentage number was 41. This means that I am obese. My goal for 2014 is to come out of the year being overweight. Isn’t that sad? Happy Fucking New Year.