Recently I was offered and took my first big girl job. Which is great except all of my dress pants and dress shirts are like 8 years old and so full of holes they have become grunge gear. So, I did what all starting wagers do after the thriftstore winds up with nothing, I hit up JC Penney. Yep, that’s right the same place my grandma used to buy her “slacks.”

Much to my surprise they had an amazing plus size collection and an large sale rack. I loaded up my arm with about thirty garments and hit the nearest dressing room. Yes, I am the jackhole who takes the handicap dressing room so that I will have more room to turn around. While in my giant room trying on garment after garment that won’t breach my thighs, ass and tummy I hear her….

In the regular-sized dressing room next to me a woman who recently lost a lot of weight. She was complaining. “No matter what I buy now it doesn’t even matter because in a month I’ll be too thin for it!” That bitch. I suppose most people would be happy for her and smile to themselves and not take the success of a complete stranger (in this case just a voice) as a personal insult. But, I am not most people. I am of the people that know better but do it anyway…why do you think I always eat a full bag of Goldfish crackers or don’t break off the Twin Pop and save half for later? It could be the same reason I find that all of these clothes don’t fit.

I peel off another garment that’s too tight and meticulously hang it back on the hanger though I’d like to crumple it, piss on it and burn it. But, I won’t because I’m not a complete jackhole…yet. Then I hear the witch talking about, “The road to good health is a hard journey.” At that I tear out of the dressing room leaving my giant pile of ill-fitting garments for someone else to clean up. And, I feel like a complete jackhole who needs a snack. A jackhole that is on a hard journey and the same jackhole that if she succeeds will likely brag about it in a dressing room, a regular-sized dressing room, hopefully.