Instead of going to the gym tonight I decided to stay in and do one of my 6 Leslie Sansone walking DVDs that I used to do a few years ago. I dusted them off and picked one without hand weights and flipped it in the DVD player. After the first set of knee lifts I wondered how the hell I did this shit when I was fatter than I am now? Christ, my thighs can’t lift! I turned on the clock and stared at it between side-steps. Every few minutes the DVD skipped. I’m not sure if my thunderous steps are causing it or the second-hand DVD player being old. But, it worked perfectly the last time I watched Dawson’s Creek on DVD. I wish I could say that was years ago, it wasn’t.

At around 17 minutes the damn thing skipped so bad it couldn’t catch itself back. I tried pausing, stopping, turning if off and nothing worked. I waited for the smoke to come pouring out and for me to take a hammer to it Wayne’s World-style. Instead, I unplugged it. When I plugged it back in it continued to skip. Now the plug is laying on the floor and I am sitting in 17 minutes worth of sweat and with no intention of driving to the gym.

I miss the VHS workout tapes my high school self and pals used to get drunk watching. I yearn for those simple times when Richard Simmons and his crew of heart attack time bombs pumped their arms to the lyrics, “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough.” Or, the time we watched the creepy old yoga man wriggle himself and his spandex-ed package into pretzels and sun salutes. And the fateful day that ended our drunken workout vid-athons when one of my friends tried to do a headstand (it was the only time any of us worked out at all) and landed on the concrete floor of the basement.

Maybe it’s time to sweat to the oldies with the now-dead fat crew and Richie for real. Or, at least make a sober attempt at a lotus position. Or maybe the DVD getting eaten is a sign I need a snack. I think I’ll forgo it all and try to find a copy of Thighs of Steel. I bet shit is pretty funny a few cheap beers in let’s just hope I drink enough that if I attempt a move I won’t get too hurt.