So the last time I weighed myself was the first week of my challenge to lose 65 pounds in 65 weeks. It was also the week of Christmas. During that weigh-in I didn’t gain, nor did I lose even an ounce of weight. This week I was excited to weigh myself. After a long day waiting tables and running around I was hoping that I’d make up for last week and lose not one but two pounds. Instead, after I marched into the gym, ripping off my boots and jacket and bag and walking directly to the scale I found out that I have gained 1.4 pounds this week.

Now, I know it’s not necessarily realistic to go by the numbers on the scale. And I know weight fluctuates a few pounds here and there. And a friend of mine reminded me of this when she said, “You could be building muscle…or, your body could be going into shock mode from all the changes and it’s holding onto the weight until it catches onto what you’re doing.” These are excellent guesstimates and predictions…for someone who has actually been trying to lose weight by dieting and exercising instead of just starting a blog about it.

Instead of hopping on the nearest piece of exercise equipment and doing something about it while I was at the gym. I went directly to the grocery store to stock up on oatmeal with flax and frozen fruit and veggies. On the drive to the store I replayed all of the crap I had eaten today, from the two slices of white toast with cream cheese and olives and the parmesan garlic chips.

I am awake right now after watching 3 episodes of Kelly Cutrone’s show that got cancelled. And now I’m kicking myself for not meditating instead to better myself. But, I think I have learned a few things from fashion PR maven Ms. Cutrone. 1. I am awake and upset at myself for not meditating because I instead chose to watch that show instead of doing those things. Just like I chose to put shit foods into my mouth. I know that staying up all night watching a stressful reality show is going to make me sleep like hell and I know that eating shitty foods is not going to give me the energy I need to better myself today and is only giving me more padding for my thighs and keeping me out of tall boots because I have fucking cancels. 2. I need to be a bigger hard-ass like Kelly. I am going to start going for it, being a bad ass for the sake of bettering myself and making something of myself. And, I am now more ready than ever to confront the choices I need to make and work harder at climbing onto exercise equipment.

I guess it’s taken me two weeks to warm up to this weight loss thing–I mean what did I expect it stems from issues I’ve had with food and exercise that I have cultivated for 29 years. This bitch is just getting started…