week 24: -600g

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I`m “hanging”, as I call it, jojo-ing between 63,2 and 64,2kg. It`s fine. I`m getting used to my new weight and, at times, think I`m ready to tackle the next leg, to finally reacfh the elusive 60kg. On the other hand, I enjoy taking it easy *and* enjoying my body at the same time.

I note that a lot of things are different now that I lost what some may call only a tiny amount of weight:

* My sex life has improved. He noted that I`m less inhibited, and he seems to want me more.

* In the duty free, I`m looking for perfume, not chocolate, and I`m enjoying it. It`s like I`m buying sexy womens` things, not fat womens` things.

* I`m getting away from thinking of sweets as being a treat. Fresh fish from our superb but expensive fish monger is a treat. Fresh fruit is a treat.

* I recently looked over old photos (while looking for someone else) and realised how fat I was. I would have been distraught if I had not changed so much in the mean time. The trousers I wore were definitely too tight. They are now too large, and I cannot wear them any more.

* A girlfriend asked me not to show the picture I took of her to anyone. She feels too fat on them. That would have been me, 6 months ago. I`m grateful that I`m comfortable for people to see pics of me.

* Again, as I said before - losing weight freed up my mind for other things which need to be tackled. That`s amazing,because, although I`ve been unhappy with them for a long time, I`ve always postponed them “because losing weight is more important”.

I still should continue to lose weight now. Wouldn`t it be awsome to weigh 60kg by Christmas?

Style Consultant

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I`ve booked a session with a style consultant for next week!

I really feel I have a problem dressing myself. I love fashion, always have done. But I have grown too used to thinking: “That`s lovely, but not on me!” While adoring fitted, feminine things, I always bought the same “forgiving” garments for myself: stretch jeans, bootcut, smock-tops and other roomy tops. Dresses and skirts were for special occasions only, apart from a few thick, shapeless ones I wore in winter, with boots.

I have now started to, piece by piece, replace my wardrobe with smaller things. However, I keep buying the same style - clothes which hide my shape, in colours which are not meant to draw attention to them. All that`s different is the size, really.

When I was still larger, I always longed to wear what i wanted when I was slim. I had exact ideas about what that would be.

Now, I`ve lost the weight but I don`t buy them.

I think it`s lack of confidence. I do look at those “slim clothes” and at times even try them on, but I never buy them. Even if it looks good and makes me want it part of me thinks: “Maybe, it`s just euphoria about the weight loss, don`t make yourself look ridiculous, you are still not a model and you are no longer 20, either!”

So that`s what I came up with. The session will be expensive but I hope I will gain some good understanding of what I actually can get away with and what not. We will look at my “style personality” (which I`d like to change!), and I have been asked to bring a few items from my wardrobe, examples of what I usually go like.

I`m so much looking forwar do it, I want to go tomorrow!

Running

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Before I stepped onto the treadmill today, I decided to break my speed record. I have not been training a lot recently (because I was a lot more active in other ways), but I set my mind to it and ran 5k in 31 min and 40 secs. So I`ve broken my record by 18 seconds!

I wish I had the inclination to go on a daily basis, but I don`t, and I probably never will. I always saw this lack of dedication to excercise as a major obstacle to weight loss, but I`m now losing, so I see that this is not the case (although I do more excercise than, say, in the last year or two before that).

Excercise is part of a slim person`s lifestyle. I take it a slim person probably just does it because it`s part of her routine and not because she has to do it as part of her weight loss regime.

Bingeing and big meals is a fat person`s lifestyle. Although I`m still sometimes inclined to spend my evening that way, I`ll just remind that I don`t do that any more.

Actually, when I`m inclined to eat and decide to excercise first (I used to find this difficult) the urge to eat loads has passed by the time I`m off the treadmill. I`ll still eat but I`ll eat something healthy. I think it`s a mental thing. Bingeing just does not fit with the excercise I have just done.

photos

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Somehow, there was a weight/image I did not really see beyond. When I got beyond that weight I did not see it, and even though the scale was saying I gained and my clothes no longer fit as well, I was in denial. When I saw pics of myself I was mortified and then quick to lash out at the person who took the pic for making me look fat.

I now have the same issue. Although I`m 25lb and 2 dress sizes down, I still do not see major changes in the mirror. When I saw a set of photos of a recent party, I was gobsmacked at how slim I looked in every single one of them.

week 22: +600g

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I knew this was going to be hard! Trying not to worry about it too much for as long as I don`t allow it to slowly creep up again.

Part of me seems to feel like I have reached my goal now, because I feel so content with what I see in the mirror. I`ve relaxed my diet, sneaking in more, but also pulling back when I gained weight. I suppose that`s acceptable given that I`m not currently looking to lose fast.

It really is amazing how my mind is slowly freeing up for other things as I`m finally losing the weight. Today, I feel like I can summon up the courage to finally tell my friend (?) that I`m not her doomat, if she`ll use me like one again.

Freeing my Mind

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As I am losing the excess weight and starting to feel better about my body, I am becoming more and more conscious of the other areas in my life which I`m unhappy with.

It`s not like these things have not been there before, but my preoccupation about my weight and body was always overwhelming and put everything else in the background. It always was the most important thing for me, and I felt I could not tackle anything else before the weight is sorted. It`s not like I`m one of these people who does not feel that I`d be getting anywhere for as long as I`m fat. It was more like: “Spend your energy on what matters most!” But as the weight remained un-lost the other things remained undone as well.

Now that the weight is taking care of itself and now that I am no longer preoccupied by feeling fat, there is suddenly loads of space in my mind for all the other issues, and I am making plans and undertaking steps to enhance my life in other ways as well.

I`m applying for jobs and am starting to re-think some of my relationships and priorities. I have undertaken steps to improve my finances and I have started charity work. And I am thinking about how to enhance my home.

Sweets

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We went out for dinner yesterday. We don`t do that often, and I decided to have what I want, within reason.

I had small caesar salad for a starter, fish and veg for a main, no potatoes. The deal (3 course and wine) included a pudding and I decided to have it.

I`ll usually go for chocolatey things but ordered a lemon-ricotta cheesecake instead. I probably did not need it, but it was lovely.

It probably was not a lot less fat and calorific as the tiramisu would have been, but it`s so much less addictive. I could enjoy it and then get over it. Chocolatey things seem to set me off. I would have eaten that tiramisu and then try to steal some of his banoffee pie. I would then want Bailey`s in my coffee and a square of chocolate (or two) when home.

One to remember: non-chocolate puddings are equally as nice but not as guilt-laden and definitely not as craving- and binge-promoting.

week 21: -1kg

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Grat, so I have just written a long post and somehow, it was not saved.

Main points:

* I don`t understand my weight. It went up so much last week, which freaked me out, and now it went down again within a couple of days.

* Minor weight gains seem to matter more now that I am 10kg down. 1kg more or less did not seem to matter when I was heavier, but now I immediately see myself gaining it back.

* Got more compliments. Hubby stated that my belly is wonderfully flat which was amazing to hear, given that it is my achilles heel.

* Went running instantly. Losing motivates me (it lifts my spirits and hopes) while gaining does the opposite -it paralyses me and fills me with hopelessness, as if there was no point in trying.

Stats at beginning, 21 weeks ago:

weight: 71,6kg

waist: 87.5cm

belly: 107cm

hips: 108cm

stats today (end of week 21):

weight: 63,6kg (-8kg)

waist: 76,0cm (-10.5)

belly: 99.0cm (-8)

hips: 101.5cm (-6.5)

thighs: 59cm and 57.5cm (-4,5 and -6.5cm)

gained :-(

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I gained a kg! Yes, it was my period, but it`s over now and I`m still left with the extra kg. And despite knowing that I`m being irrational it leaves me with bad feelings.

I know I`ve left things slip a bit recently, but I was still doing healthily and stuck to my calorie limit. (Maybe didn`t do quite as much running, but that`s because I`m so busy!) I currently have several things going on in my life and need to put weight loss on the back burner, but this should not mean packing it all back on!

I want to stay as I am/was. I felt so good about myself, even though I was not at goal yet and now,just the knowledge of how much I have gained is enough to bring back the old insecurities - and appetite. I tend to eat when I don`t feel good about my body, and that`s still the same.

I however have two goals in mind which it`s worth slimming down for. Both are short term, and that`s what I need to concentrate on: I`m job hunting, so I need to look and feel good in a sharp suit. I expect to have to go home for a funeral before the end of the year and want to look at least as good as I did when I was there a few weeks ago.

week 20: - 200g

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My weight has been up and down. I`ve been 600g down from what I am now, which felt extatic, but I`m probably about to get my stuff which explains my recent increase in appetite and weight.

My colleague has mentioned this week how slim I look, and I see it myself.

I`ve not got used to my changing body yet. When I catch my own reflection in a window, I  usually feel I look fat and frumpy, but recently, I don`t. When I look down at my naked body, I don`t see my own body but one I`d rather have (and it still makes me happy to realise that it`s mine already! :-))

My boobs have gone/diminished. I no longer feel booby. I always enjoyed being big-chested, but I didn`t enjoyed being big-tummied, big-arsed, big-thighed and non-waisted. I`m sometimes inclined to grieve for my breasts, but I`ll quickly remind myself of all the stuff which I *didn`t* like and which has gone, and it works.

There is a particular blouse which I always loved and which was really tight recently, before I started the diet. I can now take it off and put it on without unzipping it!