You know what`s weired? I have been eagerly awaiting the stage where my weight loss is becoming noticeable at last, but as it is finally happening, it makes me feel uncomfortable around some people.

I feel that I have betrayed those other fat girls with whom I used to bitch about other women and dream about a better body (and then go on to share another packet of biscuits). I now feel uncomfortable listening to them talking about weight things as I myself am approaching BMI25.

I have not told them about the programme because we have all promised each other so much in terms of how much weight we`d lose and it never happened for any of us so far. It felt too childish to announce this one, too, and possibly fail once more.

At the beginning I had to restrain myself and not to broadcast my regime (I was so enthusiastic about it,particularly when it turned out that it worked) and now I wish that they would not ask because I somehow do no longer want to share it.

Every morning I chose my clothes according to their ability not to show off my body, and every morning when I walk into the office I hope that noone exclaims something along the lines of :”Have you lost weight?” Just in case it happens, I have my answer ready: “Yes, but not much. Not so much that I really expected anyone to notice!”

No, just 20lb.

I feel the tensions in our team, and as the others are now jointly embarking their new regime (including going to classes and cooking for each other) I cannot help but wonder whether my weight loss has something to do with it: “See it? See it? If she can lose all that weight and not tell us, we can lose weight, too, all of us, PDQ! That`ll teach her!”

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