week 15: no change

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My stuff is overdue, and I am fighting my sweet cravings at the moment - not always successfully. I wish I could finally get it over and done with and then continue losing weight.  I seem to be stuck for a long time again, but then again, it`s nice to see that I am able to slip in treats and maintain.

week 14: no change

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Absolutely none. Same weight, still with fluctuations, same feeling.

Wore a pair of trousers which I bought ages ago, last summer to be precise. They were expensive, and I always felt too fat to wear them. Last week, I thought if I don`t start to wear them now I`ll never, because they`ll be TOO BIG! They looked good, gaping a bit around the waist. Hubby commented positively, but noone else did.

Tried on a few size 12 trousers in the shop, and although I was thrilled to be able to comfortably fit in they don`t quite look good yet. Soon…

week 13: -400g

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Another low at 65.6kg, despite the Hagen Dasz! I`m on a roll! small amounts of weight should not be worth it but it`s amazing what they do to my mood for the rest of the day: when I`ve lost I feel I could conquer the world, but when I`ve gained I`m devastated and lose confidence that I can never ever do it!

I`m now on the programme for three months and have lost from 6kg exactly (from 71,6 to 65,6kg) - the much recommended “pound a week”. I have not measured since 4 weeks, but I have done so today and lost a little bit again (although not much). I seem to be losing steadily and not all in one place. In the last 4 weeks it`s only been 1kg and 1cm here and there, but it`s a kg and a few cm less than I had last month! :-)

Stats at beginning, 12 weeks ago:

weight: 71,6kg

waist: 87.5cm

belly: 107cm

hips: 108cm

stats today (end of week 13):

weight: 65,6kg (-6,0kg)

waist: 80,5cm (-6.0)

belly: 101.5cm (-5.5)

hips: 102.5cm (-5.5)

thighs: 60.5cm and 61.5cm (-2 and -3.5cm)

Haagen-Dasz

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A whole tub. With pieces of fudge and caramelised nuts. I just couldn`t stand it any longer.

The thing has been in out freezer since ages, and it kept entering my mind recently, calling me. So on Tuesday night, I finally decided to shut it up and devour it. Also, I had gained again, first 800g, then another 200, taking it up to one whole kg.  And I have not been greedy the last few days, just been eating normally, but three nights in a row with carbs. (Can it really be that I can never, ever give myself a little leeway again without gaining weight?)

Of course, I regretted it, and of course, I decided that the few minutes taste sensation were not worth the entire next day of awareness, guilt and sugar cravings. And sugar cravings, I had, it`s quite amazing how little it takes to unsettle me. But maybe, it was just skipping breakfast, who knows?

Knowing that abstinence was the only way to silence the carb monster that`s what I did, and I hope I will now be back on track. No social engagements for the next few weekends.

I still want to lose weight. I`m still committed, although sometimes less so, recently. It`s getting boring, but I still want to do it, because it will be worth it in the end.

Maybe I have not got that thin after all? Thoughts at 65,8kg

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Okay, so I have lost 8.8kg or almost 20lb. So I feel fabulous, enjoy the space between me and my jeans and marvel at my own newfound waist.

And then again, I wonder - Am I really this thin now or is it all in my mind, just as I felt so large not so long ago despite never being obese?

I`ve been at a wedding a week ago. Nobody mentioned. I`ve been at a friend`s barbie yesterday. Nobody mentioned. In fact, I still look hefty compared with everybody else in the photo (thanks, I needed this, just in case I thought I could afford to be a little lazy now…). If I was everybody else, I would not have noticed either. Saw N on Fridday, and she did not mention it either, despite knowing that I am trying. 3kg ago, she said I was looking slimmer (that was when even I did not see it yet!) but  now, nothing. Wore my new skirt to work twice last week, and nobody mentioned either.

Maybe, it is all in my mind?

Week 12: -0.8kg

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I`m a day early, and I`m glad that I got down again to where I was two weeks ago. At the moment, I seem to be plateauing again.

Plateau is good. Gaining is bad. Losing is fantastic. Plateau is good. Plateau is good.

Speed should not matter, for as long as I keep it off.

Tomorrow, I`m 12 weeks into it (that`s 3 months next week!) and I did not really lose that much. 5.5kg to be specific (the first 3kgs went even more slowly, over a few months, but I have only started counting “properly” since I`ve changed my diet). Anyway, others manage 5.5kg in a month.

I am now experiencing the second plateau, and I am considering where I can improve in the next three months:

* move even more

* eat more raw

* decrease portion size of breakfast (I`m hungry in the mornings, now that I have a light dinner)

And I`ve read something nice about weight loss which I`d like to share: “Find a way of eating and excercising which you enjoy, can afford and can keep up for life. Most people tackle weight loss as a short term thing, and that`s why 90% will regain the weight lost!”

 

Goalsetting

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I have decided something: In addition to weight and body measurements, I also want to track my running. The idea is that, even if it did not work out one week in one area, I would hopefully get some sense of achievement in another.

My running goal is to run 5K in 32 min 24 sec (all time low, 2004). Yesterday, I ran it in 33 min 50sec, that`s a lot faster than I was for a long time. If I want to imrove my time further, I`d really have to work at it, but then again, it probably should not be too easy…

Thin Guilt

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You know what`s weired? I have been eagerly awaiting the stage where my weight loss is becoming noticeable at last, but as it is finally happening, it makes me feel uncomfortable around some people.
I feel that I have betrayed those other fat girls with whom I used to bitch about other women and dream about a better body (and then go on to share another packet of biscuits). I now feel uncomfortable listening to them talking about weight things as I myself am approaching BMI25.
I have not told them about the programme because we have all promised each other so much in terms of how much weight we`d lose and it never happened for any of us so far. It felt too childish to announce this one, too, and possibly fail once more.
At the beginning I had to restrain myself and not to broadcast my regime (I was so enthusiastic about it,particularly when it turned out that it worked) and now I wish that they would not ask because I somehow do no longer want to share it.

They don`t ask, but they stare and treat me with such contempt that it can only be envy.

Every morning I chose my clothes according to their ability not to show off my body, and every morning when I walk into the office I hope that noone exclaims something along the lines of :”Have you lost weight?” Just in case it happens, I have my answer ready: “Yes, but not much. Not so much that I really expected anyone to notice!”
No, just 20lb.
I feel the tensions in our team, and as the others are now jointly embarking their new regime (including going to classes and cooking for each other) I cannot help but wonder whether my weight loss has something to do with it: “See it? See it? If she can lose all that weight and not tell us, we can lose weight, too, all of us, PDQ! That`ll teach her!”

More about thin guilt

Competition

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Three women at work have started a diet last week. It`s all they ever talk about now, but they are supporting each other and every day, one brings a diet friendly lunch for the whole group.

They have not commented on my weight loss but someone has suggested that they may have noticed and don`t want to give me the “satisfaction” of acknowledging it. After all, I have got something they are all after. (We are women, after all, and due to pressures of work we do not get on that well lately.)

Assuming that the above is true and watching them doing something for themselves spurs me on, too. (I am a woman, too!). I have lost some 20lb without them noticing (apparently), and I cannot allow myself to be “overtaken”.

I don`t like this part of myself, but then again, a bit of healthy competition could be good for me, could be what I need to lose these 800g again, and more.

Ate and excercised well today.

Week 11: + 0.2kg

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That`s +0.8kg from where I was mid week. Grr. I loved weighing that round number but I have also promised myself not to allow tiny, temporary weight gains let me down.

Been at a wedding on Saturday, food was awful. I was careful with the drink but sorely regretted every food I had because it just was not worth it flavourwise. (weight gain was before the wedding however, not after)

Pick me up:

I wore a new dress and felt gorgeous. Whenever I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror I did not see a fat woman, I saw a normal-weight woman. And, finally, hubby commented that he sees that I lost weight and said that he likes it! :-) Reasons enough to keep going!

We are invited to a birthday party next week, and my goal is to weigh 66kg again on that morning!