week 6: -0.6kg*

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* from 68.8 wich was my weight before and also the day after my 70kg-weigh in last week.

I feel good although it`s definitely shifting more slowly now. But I don`t mind, I`m extatic about every little loss and happy about every maintenance. I never gain, apart from last week and apart fromt he blowout 3 weeks ago.

Yesterday, I took a break as I went out with work, a leaving do. We went for a Mexican. I had quesadillas with salad (not that bad considering that Mexican food is usually loaded with carbs.) My colleague introduced me to white wine spritzer. I never though I would enjoy this but it was delicious! Much less sweet than lime and soda, so I am now officially a convert! No more red wine - white wine spritzer for me, please!

Feeling so good about myself recently I wore my short black dress which I bought a few months ago. It fit when I bought it, and although I have not yet had an opportunity to wear it I thought I better wear it now before ig becomes too big! :-) I felt a bit self conscious before even leaving the house because it shows a lot of leg and is also back-free which meant that I could not wear a bra. Although I felt very sexy (which hubby confirmed - gosh, he never made me feel so desirable for ages!!!) I`m very aware that my work mates never set eyes on my knees before!

It did not help that I was overdressed. Apart from myself and one other girl everyone wore pretty much normal office clothes (which was a bit of a disappointment, when I go out I want to dress up and not stand out in the group I am with). People commented on me looking good but did not comment on my body. Don`t know whether this was good or bad. Did I expect them to notice how much weight I have lost, how good my legs are, etc? The dress was so short that I had my jacket on my lap all the time (mental note: don`t wear again where sitting down!).

What did I find most difficult this week?

All week, I was worried about the night out. Being aware that many a diet has ended in a night out for me, I was wondering whether it would be better for me not to go, but then, I thought: I cannot sacrifice going out for becoming (and being) slender! I cannot lose weight feeling that I have to give something up for it - it`s not sustainable.

I want my lifestyle to include being slender *and* nights out. If anything, I should be having more fun because I can dress differently and have more confidence. And I need to get used to it. And a good night out will definitely not set me back as much as the miserable binge three weeks go did. (And it didn`t!)

What helped?

Telling my hubby how much I weigh. There is no gaining back once those who matter know what I weigh and notice your weight loss

What motivated me?

Weight going down again. Having to wear a belt with my trousers. Being aware of how lose my trousers are. Collegue stating (not asking) that I have lost weight.

Thoughts about my body, at 68.2kg

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I thought I`d never see my body change again. I have lost (and regained, btw) weight many times and remember what it was like. I longed for it to happen again, craved it at times, but I never really believed in it any more. I now have been large for way too long.

But all over sudden, it`s happening. As my weight loss has approached and exceeded a stone (6.3kg) I do notice the differences, and so do others.

My clothes are hanging losely again. There is space between myself and my waist band. When I am naked I still look at the same shape but I suddenly not longer find as many bits which annoy me. My legs seem straighter and more toned. The rolls around the middle are no longer as distinct. I`ve definitely lost most in the middle, which is where I needed it most! Now, I could say to myself that this is because I *know* that I have lost weight and also because I`m sporting a flattering summer tan.

But others notice as well. My friend, the other week, after not seeing me for 6 weeks: “You`ve lost weight! You are much slimmer there!”. My colleague yesterday, while talking about food in general: “You have lost weight, Stella!” I have told noone that I am on this plan because I wanted reassurance that any comments would be genuine. I now was almost embarrassed when she mentioned it and caught myself making excuses: “I always lose weight in summer, and come winter, I`ll pile it back on! Have you never noticed?” I don`t know why I felt a need to play down my achievements. I`m so proud of it!

I know what my body looks like slim. I have a tiny waist and good legs. I have smaller boobs, although they are still there. My belly (achilles heel!) will not disappear although others will say that they don`t see any. You know what, I no longer care. It`ll shrink in proportion with the rest of me. How I long to that tiny waist of mine again…

Hope has come at last, and it`s certainly all motivating me to continue to eat sensitively and go out and move my body!

week 5: 70kg

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gained 1.2kg. Hm.

Not quite sure why. Cheated once but been good on all the other days. My period is due next week, which usually makes me gain some 2-3lb but not before some 2 days before.

I suppose it makes no point beating myself up. It will just lead to me letting go of the plan which would be the most disastorous thing to do. I still believe in the plan but I suppose I could not expect weight loss being that fast forever.

I`ll now step up my excercise regime, continue eating as I do and see how long it takes me to be back at 68.8kg. I don`t mind weight loss slowing down, but I do mind gaining it back. Because there is no apparent reason, I feel quite confident that it will disappear.

a comment about sweets & co

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I`ve read this in the 3fc forum today and loved it so much that I need to not only print it out but also include it in my blog.

The behavior of wanting to eat things that are not good for them and feeling bad for health eaters is really a sign of emotional immaturity. Emotionally, they want “this” (unhealthy food) AND “that” (healthy, lean body). Emotional maturity is when we realize we can have “this” OR “that” and we make the choice to treat our bodies well.

I think that`s such a powerful statement about things which may still tempt us from time to time…

Rewards

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There are loads of things I`d like/need at the moment. I suppose I could just go out to buy them bit by bit but I have decided to use them as weight loss rewards instead.

Although I`d like some new summer clothes I feel it would be pointless to buy things in a size I do not intend to wear for long. I therefore have decided not to buy anything until I am two sizes down. This will be hard if I do not lose but it will be a wonderful reward if I do (I`ll need new things anyway, until then).

Things I`ll buy before then are:

  1. this amazing enzyme peeling which the beautician used
  2. a facial, manicure and pedicure (that`ll be a big one!)
  3. new make up bag
  4. this weekend, I have bought myself a purse.

week 4: -0.4kg

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Stats at beginning, 4 weeks ago:

weight: 71,6kg

waist: 87.5cm

belly: 107cm

hips: 108cm

stats today (end of week 4):

weight: 68,8kg (-2,8kg)

waist: 86,0cm (-1.5)

belly: 105cm (-2)

hips: 106cm (-2)

thighs: 64cm and 63.5cm

I`m really thrilled, needless to say! A pound a week seems average, but fact is that I have lost it and have not been under 69kg since the beginning of 2008!

 

What did I find most difficult?

The binge eating I described last week. I was so sad and angry about having undone my hard work. It has taken me so long to lose it and there it could be back for the sake of 3 days gorging. I also found the reason for the binge annoying. That was one person getting to me twice: once by annoying me in the first place and once by making me binge and sabotage the thing I am good at at the moment.

What helped?

The binge made it difficult and helped, too. It helped me to be extra-disciplined. The weight gain helped me to be extra-disciplined and getting back to the weight I was at helped me, too, as, mentally, it means that I could now pick up where I had left it.

What motivated me?

Clothes.

I can now stick a little finger into the waistband of my normally tight fitting jeans.

I`d quite fancy a few new summer clothes but I have decided not to buy any in my current size and wait till I can get them in a 10. This will be a huge motivator - no clothes until I fit into a 10! Not that I don`t have a whole wardrobe full of things and I doubt that all of it will fall off me only because I lost a size! When I`m a 10 however, I will need it - and deserve it, too! (Already got a mental ist of what I would like and will also start to save up for it!)

dared to step on the scales…

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69.5kg. 0.5kg gained. That`s not too bad. OK, it`s been three days but I was anxious that I could be over the magic 0 again, so I am glad I`m not and also glad that I weighed in and allowed myself to find out…

Blown it!

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It`s interesting to note how the blip came about: On the morning it first happened I weighed 69,0 kg, which is my lowest weight for a long time. I always had the bad habit to become complacent when I am at a weight I am happy with (69kg did make me happy that morning) . Some inner saboteur tells me that it`s okay to eat because I am at a good weight.

Also, we had major problems at work, which caused me to be very stressed and fall out with a couple of colleagues. Emotional eating is another thing which has always been a major saboteur. Although I know all the coping strategies, when it happens, all I want to do is stuff my face. So that`s what I did:

Tuesday: weighed in at 69kg, stress at work, was home alone at night. Wanted ice cream. Probably would not have wanted it if I did not know that there was some in the fridge. Postponed for a while but then resigned self to the fact that I was going to have it. Had a portion of good quality vanilla dairy ice cream with coffee liqueur. When this portion was finished I got the whole tub, poured liqueur over it and finished the tub. Then went on to finish a packet of nuts.

Wednesday: disappointed about last night, stress at work intensified, home alone at night. Still had 1,5 tubs of Nutella lingering. Thought the ice cream is gone, if I also finish the Nutella, I will be ready for a new start. Having blown it already *and* being upset was the perfect excuse. I ate 2 pitas with Nutella and spooned the rest of the half tub. Just like that.

Thursday: felt really uncomfortable re. my eating in the last two days although this were by no means binges. I felt fully in control and had made a conscious decision to eat all that. By the afternoon, the cravings came with a vengeance. Having suffered from bulimia in the past, I know these cravings well. It`s the sort of craving that demanded I binge and has to be satisfied *now* . I just wanted to cram it all in, anything I could lay my hands on. Raiding the biscuit tin in the office, I planned my binge at night.

There was one tub of Nutella left unopened, that had to go, accompanied by biscuits, popcorn and ice cream. I bought what was missing on my way home (no longer good quality ice cream but cheap, nasty stuff) I had a real binge at home, the sort of eating which feels out of control, greedy, with no enjoyment. Pushing more in before having swallowed the previous bite. I had finished the ice cream and popcorn and was now dipping the biscuits into the Nutella when I suddenly came to my senses.

I poisoned the remaining sweets with washing up liquid and discarded them. I then phoned my sister to pour my heart out, about the binge and about work. (I know, I should have picked up the phone in the first, not the second instance).

I am very annoyed at myself - have probably put half the weight I worked so hard to lose back on. But the damage is done and there are good things which I will concentrate on:

  1. The cravings/bingeing was not due to the diet program being wrong. It`s been purely emotional eating. The diet does not need altered, I can continue it, slip back into doing what I was doing and will be alright.
  2. Emotional eating has always been a problem for me. I suppose I could not really expect that it would stop just because I found a diet which suits me and stopped the *physical* cravings. I need to learn to live with it and also expect it to happen again.
  3. When I go back into the program I may have lost weight by next Saturday (weigh day) and all that has happened is that I have lost a week. It won`t matter as long as I continue losing and will get there in the end.
  4. In the mean time, I need to review my fitness programme (definitely could to more of) and already stepped this up as of yesterday. This will hopefully help to burn the excess calories I had. Definitely better than starving.
  5. Want to start writing about my program as I passionately believe in it and want to share it in time.
  6. It`s now 2 days ago and while feeling awful yesterday (had to restrain myself not to blur out this fat feeling with more food) I now feel alright.

week 3: weigh in cancelled

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I had a major blip, lasting for three days. Weighing in would just be torture, so I have decided to drop my weigh in. Hopefully, if I manage to do well for the week, I will have lost weight by next saturday.

 

Clothes Shopping

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I am so happy about my weight, but when I was browsing for clothes yesterday, I became clear that I still have a long way to go.

I don`t know what possessed me (Confidence that this diet will work? truely, that`s how I feel, which feels wonderful!) but I decided to try a mini skirt (and when this one did not fit, I tried several more which all showed up the same problem).

It was with sheer amazement that I noticed that I actually have good legs. They are tanned, they are straight. I don`t have chunky calves, yet, they are in proportion to the chunkier upper thighs. If these were a friends`, I`d definitely say: “Yes, get them out!”

Yet, I could not find a single mini which suited me: I am too fat around the middle. My hips are too wide which makes the fabric uncomfortably tight, particularly when I sit. My fat belly causes the zip to protrude and any belt to look unflattering. At the waist, the skirts were either too wide (because my hips were stretching the fabric apart?) or I was spilling over the top.

The whole middle me is not in proportion to the rest. I never thought I was an apple but now have to admit that I probably am.

I`ll keep measuring myself around the middle and hope that I`ll lose further. I`m glad to have lost 1cm everywhere already.

One day, I`ll find a mini skirt which will not only show off my legs but also smoothly fit around my slender hips, with no zip protruding and no muffin top appearing. Now, this would be something well worth working towards?