It`s mid November, which means that it`s been 6 months since I changed my diet and lifestyle. My journey actually began in January, but after it was very tentative and slow initially, I decided to really give it a go mid May.

If anyone had given me the plan then and told me: “Follow it, and you will lose 20lb in 6 months!” I might well have rejected it.

The programme sounds restrictive (it is, but it doesn`t feel it because I no longer want the things I restrict as much), suggests starvation (I eat much less, but that`s fine because my appetite has diminished greatly!) and the excercise too tiring and time consuming (It`s not because I`ve now got boundless energy AND motivation!). In comparison to the programme, the weight loss sounds meager and just not worth it. I wasn`t as unhappy being large as I envisaged myself following a plan like this!

But I`ve now done it and lost 20lb. When I first decided on what to do it was the thought that I may not stick to it anyway which took the huge sense of committment, yes, even fear, away from me and made me just start.

It then was the (initially very fast!) weight loss success, sense of fullness with much less food, disappearance of cravings and increase of running speed which kept me going.

… and suddenly, it became a lifestyle.

There`s no going back. It`s not a diet which I`ll stop once I have reached target. No, that`s it. That`s how I eat and how I excercise now.

I do not long for the things (e.g. quantities of things!) which are no longer included in my lifestyle. I have attained something much better in turn: I`m finally slim, and although I eventually want to lose a few more lbs, the urgency has gone as I already love the way I look!

Hang in there girls, even if it`s hard at times! You`ll come out at the other end, look back and be ever so glad that you stuck with it!

*sigh of relief* It`s here to stay!

Also measured, and everything is exactly as it was, despite weight loss.

Wow! That`s what I get after 6 weeks of standstill, only for doing well again for three days? Made my day (whether I`ll maintain it or not) :-)

I have been thinking about what worked well at the beginning, and it`s the things which have been slipping.

Since two days, I have recommitted to being as strict to myself as I was at the beginning:

1. Zero tolerance with carbs at night. The baked beans have to go again or wait until lunch time the next day.
2. I was unable to keep off snacking. This means that my breakfast has to become smaller - yoghurt instead of muesli (which I`m getting bored of anyway)
3. Recommit to excercise. Not let the bad weather deter me. Set myself goals re speed and work towards them.
4. Allow myself one bar of chocolate or one small tub of ice cream a week, to be split up as I like - devour it all in a go or a little at a time. When it`s gone - zero tolerance. That`s 1.5 sessions on the treadmil and should be possible. At least it does not mean deprivation.

I also do visualisation: I really concentrate on remembering what everything was like when I was at my heaviest (it`s only 6 months ago, so the memories are still quite strong). I think about the bits I disliked, different situation where I feel really conscious of my weight. I imagine eating what I liked and then feeling miserable about it.

I remember envying women who did not eat it - that was 10 minutes of pleasure I had which they did not, but they had their whole day of being slim while I was fat. Not worth it!! I used to imagine being them - getting up in the morning, catching the reflection of my naked body when I step ut of the shower and like what I see, chosing between my lovely clothes, knowing that I look good in any, meeting other people and being confident that they would not talk behind my back about my appearance. And I then thought, who needs all the food if you can have all that? (But this feeling only lasted until I next felt the urge to binge, of course!).

After my visualistations, I open my eyes, see what I am like now, rejoice it, think about my fabulous new clothes I can now wear, and I am really grateful that I was able to break this addiction to crap and gain a better body.

The last time, I`ve looked I have maintained, but I have not been looking for the last three days. I`m finding it hard to stay committed and feel that I`m slowly slipping into the old habits.

Winter may have something to do with it, or boredom. For the last three days, I have been eating as if I was getting my period, but this has not yet come. With the eating however come the very familiar feelings of fear, self-loathing and loss of control. I`m feeling fat, even though when I look into a mirror, I see that I`m slim. I`m afraid to put it all back instantly.

I need to regain control and be as vigorous as I was when I started off. Zero tolerance for carbs at night. Excercising every second day, and not allow the cold weather to be an excuse. Healthy, large breakfast and zero tolerance for snacks. It worked so well, but I appear to be abandoning it bit by bit.

Nothing feels as good as being thin feels.

I used to dislike this quote because it always seemed a bit “pro ana” to me. I am am experiencing for myself that the quote holds true.

When I want too much of a bad thing I remember what it was like to have as much as I wanted but be large and miserable about it.

Thinking I was looking good and then pictures showing me otherwise. I used to have a go at the person who took the photo, for making me look so fat.

Hating to catch my reflection in a window - which I increasingly do just now, as the darker season has started. It could ruin my confidence for the whole day, just to see myself for a split second. I`m now smiling when I do, as I actually quite like what I see.

Feeling confident in bed. Feeling beautiful, believing him when he says it, feeling I`m giving him a gift when he is caressing my body.

The utterly fat and miserable feeling after I`ve eaten too much of what I should not have eaten. Before I have it I want it so much. While I`m still eating it I don`t enjoy it any more and once it`s gone and the pleasure had, I resent it and dread facing the consequences.

Why should I?

Why should I let it all go again for the sake of refined junk food?

I`m “hanging”, as I call it, jojo-ing between 63,2 and 64,2kg. It`s fine. I`m getting used to my new weight and, at times, think I`m ready to tackle the next leg, to finally reacfh the elusive 60kg. On the other hand, I enjoy taking it easy *and* enjoying my body at the same time.

I note that a lot of things are different now that I lost what some may call only a tiny amount of weight:

* My sex life has improved. He noted that I`m less inhibited, and he seems to want me more.

* In the duty free, I`m looking for perfume, not chocolate, and I`m enjoying it. It`s like I`m buying sexy womens` things, not fat womens` things.

* I`m getting away from thinking of sweets as being a treat. Fresh fish from our superb but expensive fish monger is a treat. Fresh fruit is a treat.

* I recently looked over old photos (while looking for someone else) and realised how fat I was. I would have been distraught if I had not changed so much in the mean time. The trousers I wore were definitely too tight. They are now too large, and I cannot wear them any more.

* A girlfriend asked me not to show the picture I took of her to anyone. She feels too fat on them. That would have been me, 6 months ago. I`m grateful that I`m comfortable for people to see pics of me.

* Again, as I said before - losing weight freed up my mind for other things which need to be tackled. That`s amazing,because, although I`ve been unhappy with them for a long time, I`ve always postponed them “because losing weight is more important”.

I still should continue to lose weight now. Wouldn`t it be awsome to weigh 60kg by Christmas?

I`ve booked a session with a style consultant for next week!

I really feel I have a problem dressing myself. I love fashion, always have done. But I have grown too used to thinking: “That`s lovely, but not on me!” While adoring fitted, feminine things, I always bought the same “forgiving” garments for myself: stretch jeans, bootcut, smock-tops and other roomy tops. Dresses and skirts were for special occasions only, apart from a few thick, shapeless ones I wore in winter, with boots.

I have now started to, piece by piece, replace my wardrobe with smaller things. However, I keep buying the same style - clothes which hide my shape, in colours which are not meant to draw attention to them. All that`s different is the size, really.

When I was still larger, I always longed to wear what i wanted when I was slim. I had exact ideas about what that would be.

Now, I`ve lost the weight but I don`t buy them.

I think it`s lack of confidence. I do look at those “slim clothes” and at times even try them on, but I never buy them. Even if it looks good and makes me want it part of me thinks: “Maybe, it`s just euphoria about the weight loss, don`t make yourself look ridiculous, you are still not a model and you are no longer 20, either!”

So that`s what I came up with. The session will be expensive but I hope I will gain some good understanding of what I actually can get away with and what not. We will look at my “style personality” (which I`d like to change!), and I have been asked to bring a few items from my wardrobe, examples of what I usually go like.

I`m so much looking forwar do it, I want to go tomorrow!

Before I stepped onto the treadmill today, I decided to break my speed record. I have not been training a lot recently (because I was a lot more active in other ways), but I set my mind to it and ran 5k in 31 min and 40 secs. So I`ve broken my record by 18 seconds!

I wish I had the inclination to go on a daily basis, but I don`t, and I probably never will. I always saw this lack of dedication to excercise as a major obstacle to weight loss, but I`m now losing, so I see that this is not the case (although I do more excercise than, say, in the last year or two before that).

Excercise is part of a slim person`s lifestyle. I take it a slim person probably just does it because it`s part of her routine and not because she has to do it as part of her weight loss regime.

Bingeing and big meals is a fat person`s lifestyle. Although I`m still sometimes inclined to spend my evening that way, I`ll just remind that I don`t do that any more.

Actually, when I`m inclined to eat and decide to excercise first (I used to find this difficult) the urge to eat loads has passed by the time I`m off the treadmill. I`ll still eat but I`ll eat something healthy. I think it`s a mental thing. Bingeing just does not fit with the excercise I have just done.

Somehow, there was a weight/image I did not really see beyond. When I got beyond that weight I did not see it, and even though the scale was saying I gained and my clothes no longer fit as well, I was in denial. When I saw pics of myself I was mortified and then quick to lash out at the person who took the pic for making me look fat.

I now have the same issue. Although I`m 25lb and 2 dress sizes down, I still do not see major changes in the mirror. When I saw a set of photos of a recent party, I was gobsmacked at how slim I looked in every single one of them.