This time it’s for real

Hmmm maybe it really was all that chinese- my husband says I am WAY too hard on myself. He says I barely touched anything all weekend (though why do I lately just feel like such a heifer?) and he’s sure it’s sodium and nothing else. He was like you’ve gone down a pant size AND TWO shirt sizes (I started at XL and am now down to M), lighten up on yourself! In a way he’s right- I need to lighten up in terms of not being so hard on myself- maybe I stress myself out so much about weight loss that I’m hindering my results?

So yesterday my second book came in, Conquer Your Food Addiction : The Ehrlich 8-Step Program for Permanent Weight Loss by Caryl Ehrlich. So far I’m already liking it a MILLION times more than the first book because it talks about how addictive behaviors are learned and so on- I’m only a few pages in. but so far it looks promising. It talks about how over-eating is something learned. How we learn these bad habits and then how we can get rid of them. She has many quotes and I’m paraphrasing but one thing she said was “to obtain what you never had, you must do what you have never done.”

WOW- that hit me like a freaking truck- I literally stopped and kept reading that quote OVER and over! To obtain- okay to get- what I’ve never had- yeah being thin- then I must do what I haven’t done before- okay that would be stick to the healthier eating AND working out, okay got it. Okay so to get thin I have to exercise and eat right!

I know it’s like DUH- but really for some reason that quote just screamed at me lol.

So today’s agenda- stop being so hard on myself and continue to do my best and RELAX!

Not Surprised- specially when yesterday we ate CHINESE. It’s funny I hadn’t eaten it in a while so last night I was feeling gassy.

My first book came in “Food Addiction, the Body Knows.” So far it’s okay- it talks about how carbs and sugars are such a big part of our lives and how there are some people who are geneticall predisposed to not being able to handle that and become addicted. I do agree that I’m probably one of them since I have insulin resistance and PCOS.

It comes with a “diet plan” it recommends that really cuts out pretty much all carbs in the forms of breads and pastas… It does still say eat fruit and dairy- which I can handle. I’ll try it- I’m reconsidering fat smashing because that’s when I lost the most weight the quicket, the only difference will be in the evening for dinner I will eat some meat. During the day I don’t have to have meat- but I like to eat some meat at dinnertime

Do I have a food addiction- personally I feel I do- it’s funny cuz through reading the book I can definitely say my addiction is nowhere NEAR as bad as some of the people in this book! One woman ate $250 worth of candy in ONE MONTH! Other people would hide food from the family and eat it when their family went to bed. One woman would purposely stay up late to eat while her husband was asleep! I don’t do that- but things I would do in the past were when nights my husband had school I’d go get food out and just CHOW down. Or I’d eat food so quickly I didn’t really taste it and then before I knew it there went a bowl of mac and cheese- and I won’t lie- I did this last week. I made my hubby mac and cheese and he didn’t eat it all- then just an uncontrollable urge overcame me and BOOM before I knew it I ate what was left- I shoveled it all in my mouth and then was like what the heck am I doing?! I felt guilty but the damage was done (this was Saturday night). I hadn’t succumbed to that in a long time and I think part of it was all the eating out Thursday and Friday. Even the book says once you start eating badly it’s like spiraling out of control, and I really think that’s what happened- I allowed myself to get out of control. Even on Sunday night I had a bowl of ice cream! Something I hadn’t done in AGES! A HUGE bowl with vanilla and chocolate syrup- if I had nuts you better believe they would have gone on top! *sigh*

Last night I did kind of scare myself cuz my hands started feeling swollen- and I read somewhere that this can mean you are pre-diabetic. I don’t want to get diabetes- so I really just have to step up my game.

Why am I telling you these things? I guess because I know I really just can’t do this to myself anymore- I have to take control again. I feel so dumb posting here about my constant failure but I guess a positive I can take from this is that at least I’m not running away or ignoring my problems or saying I’m doing fine when I really am not- or WORSE giving up and allowing myself to gain even MORE weight!

So AGAIN it’s time to retake control.

Oh man- when I heard the news yesterday afternoon I was SHOCKED. I won’t lie I almost didn’t feel like celebrating. I did my best but after dinner I just wanted to watch the news. I cried last night- I remember being a little girl and one of the first albums I bought was MJ’s. AND it was on tape! I used to tease my sister because the Thriller video scared her lol. I used to listen to his albums OVER AND OVER and even today my workout playlist has a few MJ songs on it! From time to time I’d pull out my HISTORY album and listen to it. This morning on the way to work I was also teary eyed listening to the radio- I just can’t believe it- the KING of Pop is dead. Now I understand how Elvis’s fans felt when he passed away. I feel so sorry for his family, specially his mother and children. I know how close he was to his mother, how much he loved her and thought the world of her. And for any man his children are the most precious things in his life. I have to wonder as he lay there dying what was he thinking? I bet the only thing he could think of was he was leaving his children and I bet he prayed they’d be taken care of. I always think when someone dies the person who suffers the most is the mother, she carried that child in her body for 9 months, watched him grow, cared for him and loved him all his life, and now she has to bury him. No parent should ever have to complete that cycle

He was an inspiration to so many people, from dancers, to singers, to song writers, to abused children, and everyone else. You might say “oh MJ didn’t effect my life in any way” but if you listen to music you are wrong. His influence on music was so widespread, from country to rap to hip hop to R&B and so on. If you listen to Usher, Britney Spears, Madonna, Sheryl Crow, etc, then Michael Jackson influenced your life. Man in the Mirror was such an epic song to me personally, it made me look at myself and ask what am I going to do to change the world? What can I give to the world? I’m sure many people asked themselves this when hearing this song…

RIP Michael, you are now in heaven doing the moon walk for the angels. I pray that your family finds solace and that your children are taken care of.

I will post Monday about the rest of the week along with a weigh in.

Today is mine and my husband’s four year anniversary. We are going to The Boathouse tonight to celebrate. It looks like a nice restaurant- reviews seem to be mixed BUT I’m hoping that we’ll have a good time there.

We aren’t really doing gifts- I think a night out with each other in a very fancy restaurant is a nice treat for both of us.

The bad news is the food looks so rich! But I’m going to enjoy myself- that doesn’t mean I’m going to go crazy and pig out- BUT I did get this gift certificate for $50 from restaurant.com for very cheap so I want to use it- the bad part is you have to spend at least $100 to use it- SOOO I told my husband go wild- order the most expensive thing you want- get an appetizer- and get dessert lol. I figure we can start with 1 or 2 appetizers then our meals and share a dessert

Then one of my good friends wants to go out to dinner tomorrow night at some Thai place and of course I’m not going to say no since I rarely go out with my girlfriends! I said of course and so we are going to go Friday night.

THEN my MIL calls me last night- Aunt Rene is coming to town from Alaska SOO she wants to eat at a Mexican place! I hope it has some good options!

So this week eating won’t help- if I lose anything I’ll be shocked lol. Saturday going to see Transformers and then after that gonna work out 6 hours to minimize the damge lol! We have to get everything done Saturday (cleaning and laundry and groceries as well as movies) since Sunday we’ll be spending the day with his aunt.

GTG for now- busy day- I got a meeting in three minutes and 20 victim kits to make as well as all the other stuff I’m doing! *faint*

Have a great day ladies!

No not in that way! I swear I ate on plan yesterday and was actually shocked that I only ate just over 1200 calories. Although I am expecting green poop sooner or later. HAHA TMI! Last night’s dinner was good- I’m starting to enjoy meat medium well done- a little pink tastes better to me than a tough steak. I think hubby wants to make the pizza we bought over the weekend- some thin crust pizza so I’ll just be good today so that this evening I can compensate for the extra calories.

Back to the cheating- what I meant was I peaked at the scale today and it said 213 woo hoo! Obviously it’s not an official weigh in but keeps me motivated. Even if that number stayed at 214 I still would have been okay.

I wanted to introduce you guys to my newest pet! Yes I know I just got rid of my guinea pig (I never cared for guinea pigs- he was hubby’s pet)- but this poor guy was just sitting at the pet store for over a month and he’s the sweetest thing ever:

His name is Cinnamon- he is also a green cheek conure but with a cinnamon color mutation- hence the name

I didn’t want to say anything because I wanted to make sure that he was healthy and we could keep him. He’s 5 months old and a boy- I took him to the vet last weekend to get checked and he was tested for the usual diseases and also took a blood test for gender. Surprisingly I got the news yesterday he’s a boy (usually takes 4 weeks to get the gender results) and of course he was a bit grumpy cuz he was overwhelmed and his foot hurt (that’s where they get the blood through the quick) but you only get two weeks from the pet store to return the pet and so I had to step on it!

We are doing our best to keep Broc from getting jealous- since she’s the alpha she gets played with first and when I get home I always greet her first. Cin’s cage will be ordered shortly- he still seems a bit unsure of us- but birds are totally different from dogs- they don’t just trust you like a dog normally does- you have to earn their trust.

He’s already started screaming for us when we are around- which is definitely a good sign- last night when I was in the tub hubby came to join me and broc and cin started screaming for us so hubby went and got them and apparently it became family bath time lol. Broc has joined us in the tub before so she was happily splashing around but cin was like hmmm okay I don’t think I like this lol.

He’s so cute- because he’s so young he still takes a big nap each afternoon and he loves nothing more than to cuddle right up to mommie’s neck and be nestled in her hair and just sleep! Course then I can’t move but it’s okay- I want him to feel comfortable so he’s getting away with it right now

His wings are trimmed down all the way also so he can’t fly- but that’s okay- they’ll grow back probably in a year and by then he should be 100% tame and under control with the “flock.” It’s so cute when Broc flies he flaps his wings as hard as he can but can’t follow lol- but he JUMPS high He’s going to be a good flyer and he already tries to mimic us so he might be a talker also

Here’s a new photo of Broc- you can see that her wings are fully grown and extend much farther than Cin’s:

Isn’t she pretty? Look at that coy pose lol.

That’s all for today- have a good day everyone and keep on fighting the bulge!

This quote really spoke to me. While reading around on other blogs I saw this and was like I do believe I am stronger than I know! I think it’s going to be my new mantra each time I think “I really want that (insert bad food here)” or “I can’t do (insert exercise here) because (insert excuse here).”

Yesterday calories were really good! I got 1410 calories but my fat grams were 64 for the day (I try to get 60 or less). I know this is because of dinner, hubby wanted hot dogs and I was like sure why not- but today should be better. I WANTED to make mustard chicken but I’m out of chicken breast- I thought I had more but realize oops nope I have wings gah. That’s okay I’m grilling steak and making one of those steamer bags of veggies- I think it’s green beans, red peppers, and red skinned potatoes YUM.

Got in an hour workout yesterday as well. I did half an hour of weights and today my arms are a little sore woo hoo!

Work is busy as usual- we moved into the new pre-amp area and cleared out the old one. There are a few large pieces of equipment left but I refuse to lift those things… Of course when I say “we” moved I mean mostly me. One intern helped for about ten minutes (I’m glad he’s leaving in 6 weeks he acts like half the stuff is above him…). The other did help me a lot but in the end I ended up re-arranging the room and putting everything where it is going to go for now and then also tossing out all the trash and items we don’t need anymore.

Some exciting news is hubby has a job interview for an IT position this Friday! I’m SOOOO excited for him. Yesterday we were talking about children and buying a home and I told him that I’m at the point I can’t do anything but wait for a position to open (there are FIVE open positions but there is currently a hiring freeze…). When that position opens I will be making more than twice what I make now- then with him finding a job within his degree (even if it doesn’t pay much) and both of us working hard on our business I really can see ourselves buying a home within a year and possibly getting pregnant

That just makes me want to work even HARDER to lose the weight BECAUSE I want to be a healthy mother and have a good pregnancy

Things seem to be working out so well at this moment it’s almost scary- I just keep praying that it continues to go well… I pray my husband gets this job- so many things would just fall into place if he did!

Have a good day everyone!

Oh and PS tried the Ezekiel bread it was pretty good! I was worried I’d be eating cardboard lol.

DETERMINATION! Now boys and girls, anytime someone says the words “determination” I want you to scream! Got it? GOOD!

Good morning everyone. It seems I am finally over this flu. Only got in a quick half hour of working out on Saturday because Sunday was just so busy- but happy to say eating was definitely very good. I’m still a little tired but I’ll probably go to bed a bit earlier today

Weighed in this morning at 214- the TEENIEST tiniest loss- but finally a weekend where I didn’t weigh more than my Friday weigh in and now I won’t be spending the week “catching up.” I definitely at the back of my mind had Monday Weigh-in on my mind all weekend and took care with my diet as much as I could.

I’m TIRED TIRED TIRED of lean cuisines- SO this weekend I bought a ton of salad as well as Ezekiel bread! I’m really excited to try this- I’ll be having a turkey Sandwhich for lunch with two small oranges today.

I hope it’s good I hear “it tastes like crap” as well as “oh it’s good!” I usually like healthy things and I think it’s awesome this bread isn’t made with flour but with barley, wheat, millet, lentils, and so on. It comes out to only 80 calories a slice and best of all the sodium is only 80 mg a slice! 80! when I’d eat subway just the 6 inch sub had 500 mg sodium from JUST the bread! *faint* I will let you all know how it is tomorrow!

I’m just so sick of the packaged foods and now that’s it’s summer I want cooler foods- nothing to heat- and fresh stuff! Tonight I’ll prepare the fixings for a salad then put it together at work tomorrow. I feel I still need to eat more greens! Right now I feel I can’t get enough. Last night we had some foster farms buffalo wings or something and while the guys ate it with ranch and they also wanted mac n cheese, I ate mine with a HUGE helping of celery. I had like 2 strips of chicken (230 calories) and then a BUTTLOAD of celery I figured was only like 40 calories. I also had a few tablespoons of ranch to go along with it.

My books STILL haven’t come in… I’m IMpatiently waiting lol. I’m hoping it’ll give me some insight but you never know- hopefully they aren’t total crap lol

And here’s today’s photo of the day:

Yeah I definitely can relate…

No just kidding- but I’m sure there are times many of us are like “it’s must be my fate to be fat forever!” Sometimes I feel that way- yesterday I did for sure. I got home and felt pretty good, made dinner and started feeling tired, then after dinner that was it I was GONE. I started sneezing and my nose started running and my fever came back and I was just dead. Ended up going to bed very early (8:30) and felt a little better today but still crappy. I felt like dang the cosmo’s are against me! But I weighed in today and was at 214.5 so I guess I haven’t really been overdoing it like I thought. Once again I’m just too hard on myself. My calories yesterday came in at 1550- not bad- but mostly cuz we ate this Bertoli Rustica Lasagna my husband wanted to try- it was good but for such a small portion of food it wasn’t worth it. I loaded up with a large cucumber/tomato/onion/lemon salad so I wouldn’t be starving. My husband ended up cooking a whole BOX of Texas Toast and ate it all! I don’t care for Texas Toast but my husband at all 6 slices in the box- that’s 1200 calories! THEN with the lasagna that was 500 calories (if I remember correctly) in one meal he ate MORE than what I ate all day. Gawd how unfair- I swear my husband probably eats like 3,000 calories a day and is only like 200 lbs but he’s 6′3″!! No wonder he can’t understand that I can’t eat like him- I REALLY can’t- he’s lucky to be blessed with such a great metabolism- I hope all our children have his metabolism!

Anyways- today I’m telling myself that I’m not letting fate get in my way- I make my OWN fate and I’m telling you this girl is gonna be healthy!

Have a great weekend everyone- Happy Father’s Day!

Today’s Menu:
Breakfast What bagel + skinny cow cheese + grape juice: 493 calories
Lunch: El pollo loco salad (-dressing) + 2 flame grilled legs + salsa: 450 calories
Dinner: Turkey hot dogs with sauteed onions and mustard mmmm- let’s hope hubby doesn’t notice…

Why is it that some people have bad relationships with food? Why is it that some people see food as just that- food. But the rest of us see food as pleasure, as comfort, and so on.

I feel I have this obsession with food. From the moment I get up it’s like what am I gonna eat for breakfast? What time should I eat it? How many calories/fat/protein/fiber/carbs is in that? Okay now when I eat this now- what am I going to eat for lunch- how far is lunch from now? Alright had my lunch and tracked my calories- now what am I gonna do for dinner? A snack before? And afterwards?!

It’s really exhausting and I don’t want to be this way. I hate it- I hate wanting to eat, I hate food, I love food, I hate myself when I eat, sometimes I feel that I’m eating too much and then when I look back I realize I was within my calories/protein/fat/carbs for the day- so I ask myself WHY am I so hard on myself? Would I be hard on myself if I were losing weight? Is it because I’m not that I treat myself this way? But then am I subconsciously sabotaging myself? What’s up with me! Comic con is now 5 weeks away and I had wanted to get down to 199 by then- last time I weighed in I was 214… That’s 15 pounds in 5 weeks, that’s three pounds a week- RIGHT…. Heck at this point if I lose TEN I’ll be happy!

Last night I decided to go on amazon and I ordered three books (all used and ended up being less than $25). All three were about Fat Obsession and helping you understand where it comes from and how to deal with it. I figured it can’t do anything but help. When I read them I will let you know if I feel if they help or not.

The books I ordered in case you are curious (or have read them and want to let me know what you thought)

Conquer Your Food Addiction : The Ehrlich 8-Step Program for Permanent Weight Loss by Caryl Ehrlich
Food Addiction: The Body Knows: Revised & Expanded Edition by Kay Sheppard
From the First Bite: A Complete Guide to Recovery from Food Addiction by Kay Sheppard

I have seen a few other recommended books but I’m going to start with these three- normally I’d go to the library but I want time to really read the books- not rush and return them after 2 weeks.

Food yesterday was good, I ate just over 1400 calories. Spent time playing with Broccoli. Today I am feeling so much better that tonight I will be running week 2 of the C25k YAY

Don’t worry about me- I’m not- I know I’ll find my niche and I know that I’m going to lose the weight- maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But someday! Looking at the positives I already know I eat so much healthier and take better care of myself, and that has to count for something!

Oh I just want to add I’m not looking for a pity party- I apologize if my post seems negative- but I’m genuinely trying to understand what’s blocking me from weight loss and I honestly feel I need to get down to some deeper issues than just calories in and calories out.

Today’s Menu:
Breakfast: 1 medium banana: 110 cal
Lunch:
Lean Cuisine BBQ pizza: 350 calories
2 small oranges: 90 calories
Dinner: Rustica Lasagna + cucumber salad: 560 calories
Snack: Cheezits (200 calories) + Fruit snacks (80 cal) Breyer’s ice cream bar (okay so not good 160 cal): 440 calories
Total 1550 calories

Ug why are the fates always against me?! Saturday I worked out one hour and a half! I was on a roll!

SUNDAY I wake up sick *cry* I went to my friend’s daughter’s bday party at this like kid’s place and apparently my immune system sucks cuz now I’m sick. I’ve still got a sore throat today and runny nose. And you all know how hard it is to run when you can’t breathe! Have I weighed in NOPE cuz when I’m sick all that sounds good is food and though I haven’t eaten much I haven’t made the best choices- well not the worst either but the day of the party I had two slices of pizza, a cesar salad, and a small slice of bday cake. Been sucking on coffee candies cuz I have no flavor in my mouth…

I called in sick Monday and came in yesterday and today but I still feel kind of crappy. but missing work is just not the best option for me cuz when I get in I’m always slammed. Yesterday I had over 50 email to go through, took me forever!

As soon as I’m over with this cold I’m started week 2 of the C25k, I did complete week one and even if I have a slight gap I’m tired of doing week one over and over!

I feel so stupid right now because I want to continue with the weight loss but I feel like if it’s not one thing it’s another…

Oh and btw if anyone is curious to know someone came and got Brownie- a girl with her own pig who wanted a companion for him. They seemed to get along so I wish Little Brown Man the best